December 21st-
Ace maneuvered the car down the familiar suburban street, his eyes wandering to his companion in the passenger seat. The self piteous atmosphere had dissipated into a soft, somber moment of peace between friends. As he pulled to the front of the house, Ace could feel a slight tension in the air, and paused. "Do you want me to take a couple more spins around the block?" He asked. He was sure not to sound coddling, and Booth could see that he was serious.
"No." Booth replied. He knew that avoidance would get them nowhere. He was tired, and at least now he was warm. The SUV was pulled into park, and idled for several moments.
"Where are the Christmas lights?" Ace said, glancing to the house. He had noticed earlier in the week that their typically colorful house was dim and dark, and though it was late, he could see that the yard was even free of holiday decorations.
"Bones said that we don't decorate the house for Christmas." Booth stated flatly. He glanced to the house, and sighed.
"You're pathetic." Ace said suddenly.
"Excuse me?" Booth said, furrowing his brow. He could feel the tension mounting in his stomach, knotting it up. His fists balled up slightly.
"You." Ace said finally. "Look at you… you're like a goddamned whipped puppy. It's just pathetic. You should be ashamed of yourself." Ace said. His face was serious, and there was no sign that he was joking around.
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Bones said we don't decorate the house for Christmas." Ace mocked. "She says that every year, Booth. Every single year, she tells you that you don't decorate the house for Christmas… and do you know what you do?"
Booth didn't answer. He knew that Ace was trying to make a point, and though he may have felt slightly insulted, he also knew that his friend loved him, and was trying desperately to simply make his point.
"You go out… and you buy the biggest damned Christmas tree that you can find… and you somehow manage to fit it in the front window… You line the roofline with Christmas lights, you have this ridiculously gigantic inflatable snowman that you put right in the middle of the damn lawn. You and the kids spend hours checking lights, and making sure they're just right. Where is your Christmas tree, Booth? Where are the lights? Where are your damn balls, man?" Ace ranted. He shook his head and looked straight ahead. "When you look at the house like that, what is the first damn thing that comes to mind, Booth?"
"I don't know."
"Come on, Booth. You want love, and warmth in your home. You have to give it in order to receive it. You need to just stop thinking about what other people expect, and what people tell you, and do whatever you want to do. Because right now you're not Booth, and you're not Deuce… you're just some guy tiptoeing through your family's life worried that you're going to step on their toes. If you want some damn Christmas lights on the house, and a tree… then you go out and get it! You've fought so hard to get what you deserved. You got it now, and you're too worried about losing it to enjoy it. They're not going anywhere unless you push them there, Booth. Doc tested you, and you failed miserably." He said coldly.
"Well what the hell am I supposed to do? Start an argument with her?"
"If that's how you feel… yeah, start an argument with her. See how it feels to have a little bit of conflict."
"We already had an argument tonight, Ace. It made me feel like a piece of crap."
"Because you were arguing about all of this shit." He said, waving his arms around. "Argue about Christmas lights, Booth… argue about your kids wearing mismatched socks. Argue about whether or not you're shouting too loud at the hockey game on the television. You and Temperance are two of the strongest willed people I have ever met. You are constantly interacting, bickering, besting one another, and I'm getting tired of you letting her win all of the time."
Booth sat for a second, sighing as he looked to the house. He could feel a deep melancholy starting to seep into his mind. His eyes traveled over the porch, the door, the windows of his family's house. He sighed.
"Just think about it, okay?" Ace implored him. "You may not know what has happened in the last four years, Booth… but if there is anything in this world that you know best, it's Temperance Brennan. She just wants you to stick up for yourself. That's what she wants, that's what she's waiting for. She's waiting for you, Booth."
"I want to ask her about what happened."
"Then ask her. She's going to tell you the truth." Ace said softly.
"I don't want her to have to relive it." Booth said, glancing to him. "I don't want to see the pain in her eyes."
"But by not talking about it, it's just building up. She relives it every time she sees you sleeping. Every time you close your eyes, blink… she sees that moment, Booth. If she talks about it, then it will free her of that burden."
"Have you been hanging out with shrinks?" Booth asked, lifting an eyebrow.
"Just get the hell out of my car and go see your family, okay? You're a pain in my ass." Ace said, shaking his head in faux irritation.
"Fine." Booth said with a sigh. He reached for the door handle. "Thanks for finding me, Man." Booth said, opening the door to the cold, blustery outside. Booth held out his fist to his old partner.
"That's not my job, Booth… that's your job." Ace said, shrugging, he bumped Booth's fist with his and watched the other man nod solemnly. Booth took a step back and waved. The SUV pulled from the curb slowly, and Booth watched it crunch through the frozen ice on the road as it disappeared around the next corner.
He stood for a moment, staring down the darkened street, still feeling the warmth of the car radiating from his body, and quickly cooling in the frozen air. He turned toward the house and took a step forward down the sidewalk toward the house. He felt a shiver roll through his body and swallowed hard. Ace's words bounced around in his mind. He felt his heart jump when he saw the shadow of someone walking past the sidelights on the front door as it moved toward the stairs. He could feel his heart beating in his ears, and a panic rising in his belly. He wasn't ready to see her just yet, he wasn't ready to face her.
He needed more time.
He had no intention of leaving, but he just wasn't quite ready to step through the front door just yet. He needed just a little more time. He walked around the side of the house, the icy snow crunching beneath his feet, he slipped through the gate on the small white fence that surrounded their small backyard. He spied the swing set, and watched as the cold wind blew gently across the seats, sending them swaying back in forth in a lonely rhythm.
Booth walked up to the swing and pushed down on the seat, noting that it was large enough for an adult to sit in, and he carefully placed his weight down onto the seat of the swing. He could hear the gentle groan of the chain against the hook that held the swing in place and closed his eyes against its longing call. He focused on the snow before him, thinking and conceiving his next move. He was focusing on the ground when he saw the reflection of light in the house hit the snow before him.
He looked up into the window, and what he saw nearly took his breath away. The figure of a girl in the window.
Antonia?
That was his first thought, and immediately he felt a sharp pang of guilt cut across his belly. That wasn't Antonia, it couldn't be Toni. Could it be her?
Grace.
His heart beat faster, and he smiled at the vision of the tiny child standing in the brightly lit room, her fingertips touching the glass for a moment. He didn't know why, but he smiled, and he could picture her bright blue eyes. They were as blue as her mother's, as blue as the ocean, as blue as the expansive sky. And after a moment, she turned.
He could feel the cold biting him, his legs holding him still on the swing as she walked out of the view of the window. Suddenly, the wind felt harsher, and the quick beating of his heart slowed. He closed his eyes and kept still for several minutes, trying to imagine the warmth of the house when it was decorated and filled with happy, giggling children. He found the weight of his feet on the ground to be a bit much, so after a moment he let his knees lift slightly.
The gentle creak of the swing was almost relaxing to him, back and forth he let the cold wind slap his face with each forward and backward movement. The minutes paced by quickly. At one point, he found himself humming softly to himself, a tune that sounded familiar but he couldn't quite place. The tune was not the same as the lullaby he'd sing to Antonia, and on the tip of his tongue, he could almost find words for the song. He tried to relax, focus on the melody and relax. He wasn't sure how long he was sitting there in the cold, and with his eyes closed, he sensed that the light upstairs had been darkened.
When he opened his eyes and looked up to the window, the main light had been turned off, but still the glow of the night light remained. After another moment or two, he saw the distinct figure of Temperance standing in the window above him. His eyes locked on her face, and though he couldn't see her expression, he felt his heart sink when she stepped away from the window.
He gritted his teeth in an attempt not to cry. He tried to find the strength to stand up and enter his own home. He knew that he had no choice. He needed to face his fear. His eyes opened as he stood up, and his heart leapt into his throat when he noticed the open door and the woman standing in the light of the back porch.
He stood still, unable to move from either the cold, or fear, he wasn't sure.
"Bones." He whispered.
She shivered, and said nothing.