A/N: ObliviBella Fail-O-Meter: 10+++ Um, yeah, I really don't think I have anything that can prepare you guys. I'd offer to hold your hand, but I'd like mine to stay attached to my body. I'll be cowering in fear down at the bottom...
Chapter 9: The Last Time
The last time I told Bella Swan I loved her, I walked away. I didn't look back.
"Kate, are you sure you don't want to come with me?" We were sitting in our dining room, eating dinner together. My flight was leaving the next morning. I already knew her answer, I was just really nervous about this trip back to Forks. Packing up my childhood, home and saying goodbye to the place I grew up was going to be hard.
"You know I can't, I'm sorry." Kate was starting her Masters in Music Therapy and classes were starting too close to the trip. I was able to finagle a slightly later start date with the Symphony so that I could go home to help my parents pack for their move to Chicago. "Besides, you need to help your parents and you know, see...," she paused to clear her throat, "see Bella."
Even after a year and a half of living together, Kate still had trouble with my relationship with Bella. She tried to keep it quiet, she didn't get jealous and angry, or make demands limiting my contact with Bella. But, I could always see the uncertainty in her eyes when it came to talking about B. She knew about my history with Bella, and while Kate also knew I would never hurt her, it was just a sore spot for her.
"It's okay. It just feels weird to go back there knowing it's going to be the last time, you know?"
"Yeah, I can understand that. I can't help but feel like when you get back you'll be 'all here'. I don't know, that's probably silly," she laughed nervously. I didn't quite understand what she was saying, but it seemed like what she was implying wasn't silly at all.
"What do you mean? I thought I was all here."
"Well, it just seems like part of you is always in Forks, you don't really have any close friends here in Chicago, and I think it's because you know you always have the friends you grew up with. And it's little things like, you still call Forks 'home', even though you've lived here four years," she looked down at her lap, refusing to look at me. "Like I said, it's probably silly."
I stood up and walked around the table, kneeling in front of her, so she would meet my eyes. "Katie-cat, it's never silly if it's bothering you. I didn't realize you felt like that. I guess I have always thought of Forks as being my safety net, since I grew up there and the people there know me."
"I know, Edward, and I can understand that. I just hope that at some point, you'll see me as your safety net. Maybe with your parents here, you'll feel more like this is home."
I pull Kate from her chair to the floor with me, where I wrap my arms tightly around her. "You are part of my safety net. I need you. I just, I guess, I need them, too. It's really going to be hard letting that go."
"I understand, I really do. I just worry sometimes that you don't feel like you can rely on me. It scares me because I feel like you're all I need," she says sadly.
"I'm so, so sorry if I ever made you doubt that I love you. I do love you, Kate. Very much." I kiss her gently on her lips, trying to show her that I'm being sincere, to reassure her that I'm here. She returns the kiss and I realize again, just how much she understands me. I take that for granted sometimes, forgetting that just because Kate doesn't always voice her observations, doesn't mean that she's unobservant.
She pulls back, putting her hands on either side of my face so she can look me square in the eye. "Just so you know, I have never doubted your love for me. I just need reassurance sometimes that this is enough for you...that I am enough for you."
This time when I kiss her, it's not sweet and gentle. I need to prove to her that she is more than enough. I feel desperate for her to believe me, she returns the kiss with equal fervor. I pick her up and carry her to our bed, where we make love urgently, using our bodies to convey our fears and reassurances to each other.
Later, after Kate has drifted off to sleep with a small smile on her face, I lay awake, my mind going over the things she revealed to me tonight. Charlotte's words from the day she met Kate play through my mind. Have I really been just pretending to move on? Kate feels that I'm still living with part of me in Forks. Now that I know that, it makes her apprehension about my friendship with Bella make much more sense, especially given what she knows about how I felt about B. Am I really giving Kate reason to believe that I'm still in love with Bella?
My mind turns to a conversation Bella and I had soon after Kate and I returned to Chicago that Christmas. I had asked her about Jake and she replied that he was just a guy she knew from class and that she hung out with him and his boyfriend quite often. I knew I shouldn't have been as relieved as I was. Even now, I knew that my continued relief at Bella being single wasn't appropriate for someone involved in a serious relationship. My stomach turned and my heart ached at the thought of Bella one day introducing a man to me as 'the love of her life' and me to him as 'her best friend'.
I pulled Kate closer and kissed the top of her head, as she continued to sleep soundly beside me. I had to make a decision and find real closure. I now completely understood what Charlotte meant, and I realized just how unfair this had been to Kate.
It seems that maybe this last trip to Forks- not home, I remind myself- would be about leaving behind more than just the house where I grew up.
WWWWWWWWWWWW
I spot Bella waiting for me just outside of security, she's still scanning the crowd and hasn't noticed me yet. I walk up behind her and tap her shoulder, she lets out a small yip of surprise and immediately swats at my arm. We're both laughing as I hug her lightly. For once, I pull away first and she looks a little upset.
"It's so good to see you, B! Thanks for picking me up," I smile at her.
"Well, I thought about making you walk," she jokes, rolling her eyes at me; the awkwardness from just a minute ago is now thankfully gone. I don't have any checked luggage, since I still have some stuff at my parents house, so we are able to get to the car quickly. We chat animatedly about nothing in particular as we head out of Seattle on our way home- Forks, I mentally correct myself. Bella stops mid-story, as we approach an exit off the interstate, "So, do you want to get some food before we head home, or do your parents need you now?"
"I think we can get a quick bite, I just need to call and let them know when we're on our way. My dad was waiting for me to get there to break down some of the heavier stuff for the movers."
The look on Bella's face at the mention of the movers makes my heart drop into my stomach. She looks sad and lost and I'm reminded once again that this isn't just any visit. This is the end of an era. Bella and I won't live in the same place anymore, and as much as it shouldn't change anything, I know that it will. We'll be moving on with our lives, lives completely separate from each other; our only contact will be by phone or email, maybe the occasional trip to visit.
We pull into the parking lot of a small cafe, and B turns off the car. I swallow thickly as my eyes meet hers, and I know she's thinking the same thing. She gives me a watery smile, and we enter the restaurant much more subdued than before.
By the time Bella drops me off at my parents house, it's late afternoon and the dropping sun is casting lengthened shadows across the yard. It feels somber, ephemeral, like the darkness could engulf the world at any minute and there's nothing we can do to stop it.
"Do you want to come in and say hello?" I ask her, unsure if I'm actually capable of spending more time with her right now. This whole day has been a roller coaster of emotions. When we can forget what's coming, we're just like we've always been- finishing each other's sentences and laughing over what would appear to be nothing, but is actually the short-hand for memories of a life spent growing up together. We climb the peaks and revel in the wind of shared history, blowing in our faces. Then without any warning, we're dropped into the depths of loss and despair at our impending, permanent separation.
I'm grateful when she declines, but it shouldn't surprise me. She knows me better than anyone else, and of course, she knows that I need space right now. What I really want is to be small enough to curl up onto my mom's lap and cry my eyes out. I want her to rub my back and tell me it will all be okay. I want to be small enough to believe her.
The next several days are a blur of boxes, bubble wrap and packing tape. Bella stops by to help one day, but she's working in Seattle, so I don't see her much. Packing up my parents' house is surreal. There's almost a constant stream of "Oh, that's where that went!" and "Why in the world do we own this?" My favorite was when mom was cleaning out the basement and found the mural Bella and I drew in the back of a closet when we were younger. It was just another thing B convinced me to do that would have gotten me in trouble if Mom had found it back then. As it was, we took pictures, before adding it to the list of places the painters needed to touch up for the new owners. I tried to stop myself from thinking about the erasing and sanitizing of my and Bella's history.
Then, on the last day of packing, the house barren and hollow, boxes stacked against walls, I stumble upon something that makes me grin from ear to ear. I was wiping down the baseboards in my bedroom when I realized a small section was loose. Pulling it out slightly so that I could re-seat it, I suddenly remembered why it was loose and pull it off all the way. Hidden there is a small box, dusty and brittle with age. With the utmost reverence, I pull it free from the wall cavity, still grinning like an idiot. I flip open my phone and scroll down to Bella's number, waiting impatiently for her to pick up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, B, you have to come see this! Can you get off work early?" I ask, trying to sound nonchalant, because I know she's going to flip when she sees it.
"I don't know, Edward. What's going on?" She sounds confused but intrigued.
I start laughing as I realize exactly how to tell her everything in just one short phrase. "Agent Mop Top reporting for duty," I gasp out, laughing almost too hard to breathe.
"Oh my god, really?" Now she's laughing along with me, she remembers and knows exactly what that means.
"Yup, I'm calling an official meeting. Rendez-vous 1900 hours, Agent Fancy Pants?" I use her spy name, still laughing along with her.
Bella makes it in record time, as eager as I am to open the box. She's grabbed some takeout and beer on her way into Forks. She dropped off my parents' food for them in the living room. We set up on the floor of my former room, legs crossed, knees touching, drinking our beers and eating cashew chicken. The box sits off to the side waiting for us to finish our food.
"Okay, I'm done. You can finish later, I want to open it now!" Bella insists. It doesn't take more than that to convince me, I've been dying to open it for hours now. The food is set aside, and the box is resting on our legs. We are both staring down at it, like it's buried treasure- which in a way, I guess it is. Though, we're probably the only two people in the world who think that.
B reaches out and carefully lifts the lid, trying not to stir up the dust. We both peer in at the same time, and I'm assaulted by memories. We both start speaking at the same time, talking over each other and laughing:
"Oh my god, do you remember this?"
"Oh, that time that we..."
"...and I picked up this bottle cap."
"I threw that rock..."
"I was grounded for a week, remember?"
And then, below the rocks and caps and scraps of paper and other detritus of childhood is something I can't place in our chronology. I recognize the object, but have no idea what the significance is supposed to be. Bella sees me reach for it, and her hand shoots out to grab it before I can. She's staring and blushing. It's just a small button, silver with a design imprinted in the metal.
"B, what's that?"
"It's a button," she replies in a soft voice.
"Yes, I can see that it's a button. Why is it in our box? I don't remember anything about a button." I'm really confused now, wracking my brain trying to place this thing. It must fit in somewhere; B put it in, and only our most important treasures were allowed.
She sighed, before tearing her eyes away from it to look intently into mine. "It's from the coat closet in Mike Newton's basement. It was poking my leg and I shoved it in my pocket before I stood up."
My breath hitches. She doesn't have to clarify anymore. I know. Our first kiss. I can't believe she thought to keep something from that. My heart constricts in a not-unpleasant way, trying to imagine her thought process at that moment, when we were laughing and happy, sitting in the middle of a smelly closet.
Bella is still staring in my eyes, like she's trying to tell me something, that odd look on her face that I've never been able to make sense of. I feel that familiar pull between us, my lips ache to feel hers, my arms can feel the phantasm of her body held tight within them. I want nothing more than to give in and let go. I watch as Bella's eyelids slide shut, she reaches her tongue out to wet her lips, leaving them partly open, her face smooth and free from worry. She lifts her hands, placing them along my upper thighs, anchoring herself to me. I feel my body lean forward without my permission, to meet hers. I want this. Bella wants this. I can't for the life of me remember why we shouldn't, I don't want to remember. My lips are almost to hers, her face is starting to blur out of focus I'm so close, and just before I close my eyes in acquiescence, I see the slightest trace of a furrow between her eyebrows. I throw myself away from her, my shorts causing my ass to slide across the bare wood floors of my former bedroom. Right, that- her doubt and reticence- is why we shouldn't do this. And Kate, my conscious pipes up at that moment. Fuck, right, and Kate.
Bella is sitting there, her eyes wide, staring at me as if she's never seen me before. She starts to speak, her voice sounding breathy and odd, "Edward, I see..."
But, I cut her off. I know what's coming next and I just can't hear it again. "Don't, Bella, it's okay. I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry. I love Kate," I try to reassure her. I don't want her to freak out on my last night in town. The last thing I need is for things to get weird because I keep imagining things that don't exist and causing problems between us. Except that you didn't imagine her reaching for you or her eyes closing or that look on her face.
She looks close to tears as she nods her head at me in acknowledgment. In an effort to break this unbearable tension, I smile at her gently and start gathering our garbage together. "Come on, B, let's go downstairs. I know my parents wanted to hang out with you, too."
We spend the rest of our evening with my parents, the awkwardness between us dissipating once we're no longer alone, and we end up having fun just reminiscing with them. Bella leaves at 10:30 to go to Charlie's house to stay the night. She's driving me to Seattle in the morning and we both need to get some sleep.
Except that I don't. I toss and turn, running the almost-kiss through my mind, making myself crazy debating whether I imagined it or not. My heart is trying to convince me that I shouldn't have been so quick to stop her from speaking, I shouldn't have shut down the almost-kiss, that maybe this time would have been different. My mind argues back that she hasn't given me reason to believe anything has changed for her, wishful thinking has only ever gotten me hurt. Round and round for hours. Until the alarm on my phone starts buzzing, telling me that she will be here in half an hour and I have to decide if I'm going to do anything, or just pretend it didn't happen.
WWWWWWWWWWWW
Bella pulls up the driveway of my parents house to pick me up one last time. It's so early, the sky is still blue-black overhead, a hint of purple peeks through the dark shadow of trees along the eastern horizon. I smile at her sadly as I buckle my seat belt and take a final look at my childhood home. We back down the driveway, onto the street and begin the drive into Seattle. She nods towards the front console of the car, and I see that she has hot coffee waiting for me; I'm grateful to have something to occupy my hands.
The drive to the airport is quiet, neither Bella nor I are interested in talking. I know that I have so much to say, but the words don't exist to say it. I'm thinking about last night, I'm thinking about leaving Forks, thinking that the next time I come back- if I come back- I will only be a visitor. Everything is now past tense: I lived in that house, I played in that park, I attended that school, and soon-to-be most painful of all, I loved this girl.
This feels like the Big Goodbye, the last one. And I know that despite everything that's changed, my feelings for Bella have never fully left me. I realize that before I force myself to snuff that last flickering flame of hope that's been burning for so long, I have to ask one more time. Kate has been more than patient and I know it's time. If I'm going back to Chicago, I have to be all in, because Kate deserves nothing less.
After the long drive, Bella decides to walk me into the airport. We're standing in front of security check in at Sea-Tac, my carry-on bag slung over my shoulder, ticket in hand. A faceless mass of people hurry past us, moving forward, coming home, going away, carrying on, as if the world isn't falling apart around them, as if this moment isn't the end of everything.
"Bella, all you have to do is ask me to stay and I will." Please, please ask me to stay.
"You have to go. Your life is waiting, everything is waiting for you. She is waiting for you." I can see the tears she's holding back, her slightly too pink cheeks are betraying her emotions, and her breath stutters minutely on the exhale. Our almost 17 years of friendship allow me to see the chinks in her carefully constructed armor. To anyone else, she's as calm and collected as always, the mask firmly in place.
"I love you, Bella. I'll always love you."
"I know", she says sadly as she kisses my cheek, gives me one last tight hug and walks away. I watch her until she turns a corner and is out of sight. She doesn't turn around, she never does. I decide that this will be the last time I watch her walk away, and it will be the last time I would confess my love. She's right, my life is waiting for me; I can't make it wait anymore. Steeling my resolve, I walk to security check-in, and this time I don't look back.
I have no memory to compare this to. My whole life has revolved around my best friend. Even when I wanted to hate her, she was still there and I had hope. But, her absence? I have no reference for that.
A/N: You'll just have to trust me, okay? I promise this has always, always been part of the plan. It's a clusterfuck for sure, though.
Dear Reader, I need your opinion, please: How interested are you in BPOV for this story? Because I can either do a longish o/s for her or I can do a 5-6 chapter companion piece. Which one would you rather (or neither is also an option, I suppose...)? Thank you :)
I forgot to tell you, this story now has a banner because Nitareality loves me :) I sometimes go and look at it just so I can drool over Beanieward, lol. (twitpic. com /2nyuuf)
I actually have a song recommendation for this chapter: Bruised by Ben Folds, I flove him anyway, but this song just screams "Edward" to me.
Friendly waves to: Jerseyhalliwell, KnittingVamp7, Silverelefanfic, TD69, and Shoveler.
Overly-Friendly waves and a *gasp* hug to TG81 who reviewed every chapter in one sitting! Y'all should read her story It's Just Lunch, I'm only 4 chapters in and totally hooked!
As always, Dear Reader, thank you for coming this far with me. And while I know things seem all sorts of crazy, we're almost wrapped up- 2 more chapters to go!
Thank you, once again, to my Beta Nitareality, for making me make sense! ~Kimberly