—Caput VIII—

"However you [Marcus Antonius] and he [Caesar] are not in any way comparable! His character was an amalgamation of genius, method, memory, culture, thoroughness, intellect, and industry. His achievements in war which, though disastrous for our country, were none the less mighty."(1)

"Yet not even his enemies denied that he [Caesar] drank abstemiously. An epigram of Marcus Cato's survives: 'Caesar was the only sober man who ever tried to overturn the Republic.' And Gaius Oppius relates that he cared so little for good food that when once he attended a dinner party where scented oil had been served by mistake and all the other guests refused it, Caesar helped himself more liberally than usual, to show that he did not consider his host either careless or boorish."(2)

Dawn was yet to come as the chilly air, heavy with moisture, told them during the silent march. Julius rode at the front of his army, just behind his cavalry and a patrol unit commanded by Publius Considius, a seasoned Centurion who had fought first under the orders of Sulla and later for Marcus Crassus. He came highly recommended so Julius decided to let him in charge—. This day will decide the fate of the Helvetii —he was perfectly aware of the discontent of his men after following the enemy for days without engaging in battle, but he couldn't challenge such vast numbers without choosing the terrain really carefully—. And the opportunity just presented last night.

— Imperator, the Helvetii have stopped at the foot of a hill, scarcely 8 miles from here —informed his scouts the night before, pointing on a map to illustrate their words.

— Is it possible to climb the hill? —Julius wanted to know, his eyes nailed on the map.

— It is, sir.

— What are you thinking? —Labienus wanted to know. He was starting to learn what that look meant and he was rewarded with a smile.

— I think we have a chance against them.

It was too good an opportunity to let it pass and so Julius divided his army: 2 Legions, the Tenth and the Ninth, under the orders of Labienus and Publius Sulpicius Rufus, had marched first, under the cover of darkness, while he moved the rest just in time to see the first sunrays at the distance. That day they would fight the Helvetii, a battle in which they were outnumber and facing a people who lived to fight and who had no fear of death because their soul was immortal and they would have another life after this—. Strange ideas…Yes, the Legions had fought before against the Gauls but this doesn't make them any easy to defeat. They are proud people and the slightest mistake can end in disaster.

Julius' mind was in the upcoming battle, arranging his troops inside his head and looking for possible mistakes and options available for the Helvetii—. The Aedui will be friendlier after our victory here and that will help me against Dumnorix —and suddenly he remembered his recently interview with Diviciacus, Dumnorix's brother…

— "I know that the allegations against him are true, and no one regrets it more than I do" —Diviciacus had cried like a child and embraced Julius after hearing everything the Imperator had learned from Liscus—. "For when I had great power at home and in the rest of Gaul, while he was too young to have much influence it was I that raised him to greatness; and the resources and strength that he thus acquired he is now using, not only to weaken my position, but to bring me near ruin. Nevertheless he is my brother; and part of my own feelings, I cannot afford to be indifferent to public opinion. If you take severe measures against him, everyone will think, in view of my friendly relations with you, that I desired it, and I shall become very unpopular throughout Gaul."

Julius had expected something like this, and it was precisely because he knew what was going to happen that he was ready with an answer—. My men won't like this but is the best… for now. We can't alienate our scarce allies here or we'll risk to be left alone in the middle of hostile territory —he waited a little for his guest to calm down.

— "So high is my regard for you" —Julius said in that smooth voice of his, grasping his hand—, "that, since you wish it and bed me so earnestly, I will both overlook the injury to Roman interests and swallow my own indignation." (3)

Yes, he had let pass Dumorix's insults and treachery but that didn't mean he forgot everything, on the contrary, he put the Aeduan under surveillance and kept an eye on him all the time—. I'll have time to deal with him later, today I have more important things to do —Labienus had precise orders to take a hill nearby to the Helvetii camp without engaging in battle until he arrived, and Julius trust he had done this by now or all his plan would be useless—. The Tenth is my best Legion, if someone can take that hill in case the Helvetii show up, it's them.

The Tenth…—and to him came again the ultramarine eyes of Marcus Aelius. Why, among almost 5 thousand men, it had been the Pilus Prior the one he found when the Tenth marched the night before? Their eyes had met unintentionally, just for a second, but it had been enough to leave him with that uncomfortable sensation he hated so much. Julius shook his head.

— Everything's fine, sir? —asked Servius, his primus lictor, riding as always at his side.

— It's nothing.

— Someone is approaching —Rebilius pointed to the front, where Publius Considius was coming with 2 riders, raising the grass at each step.

Oo0oO

— Are you sure of what you saw? —Julius asked, dead serious, surrounded by his officers, and Considius nodded.

— Yes, sir. The hill is taken by the Gauls —answered Considius, a tough and stocky man who apparently had never smiled in his life—, I recognized them by their arms and crests.

— What happened with Labienus and Rufus? —asked Publius Crassus but the Centurion shook his head.

— Have no idea, sir. My lads and I saw no trace of them.

Rumors rose. Where were Labienus and Rufus? What had happened with them? Were all dead? Had got lost? But they were instantly silence when Julius raised his hand.

— There is no point to continue like this —said Julius at last, looking at the hill, so far and so close—. The plan was to attack the Helvetii from the front while Labienus and Rufus descended upon them from the rear. If the enemy won the hill they have the advantage and we can't risk to attack. We'll head to that hill —he pointed—, and arranged the men in battle formation.

Orders were quickly dispatched and everybody did as he was told. It was just when the sun was shining with all its forces, and the Legions arranged far away in battle formation, that Julius was informed that Labienus and Rufus were indeed on the hill and that Considius had cheaply hallucinated Gauls where Romans were standing. But it was too late to attack now and the Helvetii had already moved.

Oo0oO

— What happened on that hill? —Julius had lost count of how many times he had asked the same thing. The first ones who gained a seat on the bench of the accused were Labinus and Rufus, after that the Primi Pili of the Tenth and Ninth, the scouts of Considius and now, not even Julius knew exactly why, but he had summoned Marcus Aelius.

Marcus, standing before him, hands on his back and looking at the front, cleared his throat.

— We marched at night as you ordered, sir —he explained, feeling a nervousness that had nothing to do with the failed planned—, and reached the hill without problems. We stayed there until sunrise made the Helvetii camp plain visible and our Legions in battle formation on the other hill, sir. We had no idea why they were there and then was when Legatus Labienus ordered to send a messenger to you, sir.

It was the same story everyone had told him—. Everyone but Considius' men, of course —according to them their Centurion had claimed Gauls were on the hills and without further investigation went back to inform his Imperator—. I'll kill Considius for this, I will make sure he won't serve ever again in my Legions, I'll haunt him the rest of his life so he will never serve in any other Legion and I'll make sure everybody, everywhere in every time knows about his stupidity! —he was furious and, if someone were able to witness the rage inside him, would have run away from Julius screaming like a girl in front of a rat. But he tried his best to look as calm as always, and had successfully fooled everybody… everybody but Marcus.

Julius nodded.

— You may go, Pilus Prior —but Marcus didn't move.

— Sir, permission to speak freely? —Julius was so tired that could feel his eyelids falling against his will, sitting on the curule chair, but still he found himself nodding.

— Make it quick, Pilus Prior.

— Sir… —and then he forgot to speak. What was he thinking? He didn't want the meeting to end, he wanted to keep hearing his silky purring voice and he had said the first thing that crossed his mind but, what now? His hands began to sweat and his nervousness worsened when Julius raised his eyebrows.

— Yes?

— You shouldn't hide your feelings, it can't…

… it can't be good, Gaius. You are not Atlas and you don't need to carry the world on your shoulders…

— What did you say? —Julius was more confused than angry. What had just happened? Marcus understood his mistake and felt a hollow in his stomach.

— I-I apologize sir, I shouldn't have…

— Where did you hear that? —it was the same voice of his dreams, the voice of Aunia and her words in his mouth. Why? Now it was Marcus turned to get confuse.

— Nowhere, sir, it's just… —he cleared his throat completely lost—, you are fucking angry, sorry, but you force yourself to look as if nothing had happened. I apologize sir but I don't think that's healthy.

— What can you possible care about my health? —Julius spoke with a ghost of voice, taking his hand to his forehead. His head hurt with memories of dreams that make no sense to him, and he truly feared was going to faint. Not again in front of him. Marcus acted before thinking and ran at Julius' side, taking him by the shoulder.

— Are you all right?

— Water —Marcus ran to obey and Julius drank as if he had spent days lost in the desert.

— Wine would have been better; you need something strong, sir.

— I don't drink wine —Julius put the cup aside, taking deep breaths.

— Why not? —it was the first time Marcus heard something like this. A Roman who didn't like wine? The world was going crazy.

— I like to be in control of myself —Julius raised his head and, for the first time paid attention to Marcus' eyes. The same color of my dreams. How was that he didn't notice before? He was not like this, he always paid attention to details, to several things at the same time, always aware of what for other people was insignificant. But it's just a… His hand moved on its own, remembering Aunia's face. Could it be not just a…? But stopped before touching his cheek. It's not right. Marcus felt his face burning and his heart beating against his throat, but disappointment was written on his face when Julius dropped his hand. It's just a dream, it can't be something else. What the hell am I doing? He should end this meeting now—. Pilus Prior you may…

But Marcus never knew what because he kissed Julius full in the mouth, not a chaste, bashful kiss but one full with hunger and unsatisfied desire, a kiss of someone who had wished for too long to taste those lips and found himself unable to restrain for much longer, taking what he wanted. Julius froze. It was one of those moments, so shocking and so unreal, that he simply couldn't believe it was happening to him. What commander on earth would wait for his men to kiss him?! He let Marcus separate his lips with the tip of his tongue and only then, feeling him inside his mouth, Julius regained the power to think.

Shush…

Julius pushed him away from him, panting, and this time it was Marcus' turned to look confused before realization struck him like a rock—. Jupiter Optimus Maximus! what have I done? —it had been glorious, like tasting heaven before crashing down to hell— He is going to execute me.

— OUT! —and Marcus obeyed without delay, still shuddering.

Oo0oO

Camus, you are not going to believe what happened, because not even I can believe it. This is the third letter I write to you, the first 2 are ashes now, because, for the first time in my life, I have no idea how to say this (yes, I don't know how to explain something, you can stop laughing now). There is this Pilus Prior (it's a Centurion before you and your null knowledge of our Legions ask), and he… [a stain of ink was visible here, sign that it had took Julius time before he could keep writing] he kissed me (don't laugh!) and no, before you ask, I don't like him and no, I didn't punish him or anything, and that's what bothers me. I don't know what to do! (again yes, I don't know what to do). It's complicated. I should punish him but, at the same time, I don't want anyone to know about this, do you have any idea of what would my officers say? I don't want to even imagine what would Bibulus or Ahenobarbus make of this if word reaches Rome; and to punish him means to give lots of explanations, which means that if you tell this to anybody (your cat included) I will kill your fat ass.

I don't even know why I am writing to you. This is stupid and I should stop writing now, this letter sounds like a teen girl's diary.

Julius seal the letter, still thinking it was a bad idea to send it, even if it was coded. Long ago he had created a code to cipher his letters, changing the order of the letters of the alphabet, "to understand their apparently incomprehensible meaning one must substitute each letter with the one which occurs three places before, for instance: D, stands for A." (4) Julius had never felt so insecure and even after giving his letter to the official courier he went back, changing his mind. He felt so lost, confused and angry that, at some point, it had sounded like a great idea to write a letter to his best friend, whom he needed desperately, but not anymore.

— I'm sorry Imperator, but the courier left a moment ago —the clerk informed him for his utterly disappointment—. Do you want me to send someone to look for him?

Yes! He wanted to shout. Would it be a little over the top to send a rider to intercept the courier so he could get back a cheesy and stupid coded letter to his best friend?

— No. Its fine —yes it would be. And he was ready to go when…

— Caesar! A word —he turned and found Galba striding to the where he was, near the Porta Decumana. (5)

Oh, great! Just what I needed to make my day absolutely perfect —Julius waited for him.

— What is it Galba?

— Why are we heading to Bibracte if the Helvetii are moving in the opposite direction? —Galba sounded as indignant as if Julius had killed his firstborn— They'll think we are afraid of them.

— Galba, and if we continue to follow the Helvetii, how do you propose we'll feed the men? —his Legatus was taken aback by the sudden question.

— What?

— Yes, you'll see, men have the very bad habit of eating 3 times a days so, how are we going to feed the troops if we have no grain and no supplies? —he almost blinked adorably.

— You were the one who made that treaty with the Aedui, you tell me —Galba was too close to cross the line of insubordination. But Julius just nodded.

— And what I am telling you is to march to Bibracte, the Aeduan capital, and collect the grain they promised us —he explained, almost sweetly smiling, as if talking to a retarded boy and Galba pursed his lips so hard that they turned white—. Now, if you don't have anything else to say, I have things to do.

Oo0oO

I'm an idiot —Marcus had 2 days repeating himself the same thing—. What on earth possessed me to kiss my IMPERATOR? —it was as if he had tried to kiss Pompeius, and the thought of it made him sick. He had been so sure Julius was going to make an example of him that had waited up all night for his lictors. But no one came— What does that mean? —he felt like going crazy— But, even if Caesar asks for my head it was worth it —he smiled like a fool, caressing his lips with his fingers and tasting again his sweetness—. It was better than I imagine and his skin smells so...

— Marcus Aelius? —a voice asked and Marcus turned, finding a face he hadn't seen in years.

— Balbus? —a smile curved his lips— Son of a bad mother! What are you doing here?

Both embraced with force, sincerely happy to meet again. Lucius Cornelius Balbus a tall man with a broad big smile, had also served with Metellus Pius and Pompeius in Hispania, where they had met and Balbus was awarded the Roman citizenship after his valuable services. Balbus was a really good friend of both, Julius and Pompeius and had helped Julius a lot to consolidate the alliance with Crassus and Pompeius that everybody knew later as the Triumvirate. But despite his important friendships Balbus and Marcus had continued to be good friends even after Balbus left Pompeius to serve with Caesar in Hispania.

— I'm here as Caesar's chief engineer, and you? —he answered, truly happy to find his friend.

— Secundus Pilus Prior in the Tenth.

— Secundus…? I thought you were Primus, what happened? —Marcus sighed.

— Long story.

— I have time if you have wine.

— Fair enough —it was just what Marcus needed, a friend, and Balbus couldn't have appeared in a more perfect moment.

Oo0oO

— Let me get this straight. You came back to the Legions because of what happened to Secundus? —asked Balbus, sitting across the table, in front of him, in his tent. Despite everything that had happened with the Helvetii it was a relatively calm night so Marcus could relax.

— You can say that —Marcus emptied his cup—. Secundus was also in Italica and I just… I couldn't stand being so close to him.

— He is your best friend.

— He was, Secundus made it clear as water that he doesn't want to see me again —Marcus smiled without humor.

— I'm sorry.

— Don't be, it's my fault. I should have never confessed my feelings…—Marcus sighed, scratching his head—, and I just did the same mistake —Balbus frowned.

— What do you mean?

— I kissed Caesar.

— You WHAT?

— Don't shout.

— And how do you expect me to keep silent? —to say Balbus was surprise was to say too little, he wouldn't be more in shock if Marcus had told him he had danced naked in front of the enemy— Why would you do that?

— Why else? —Marcus looks at the cup in his hands— I like him…a lot, actually.

— Motherless dog, if you are that horny get yourself a boy —Balbus was pale and truly worried.

— It's not like that, it's… —he couldn't find the right words—. I don't just like him, I really LIKE him.

Oh, this is worse than I thought —Balbus shook his head.

— Marcus, do you want to know what I think? I think you are so desperate after what happened with Secundus that you are looking for someone to fall in love —Balbus held his gaze and both feel silent for a moment. It may be true but Marcus wasn't going to admit it besides, deep inside, he knew this was something more, something he couldn't explain—. What did Caesar do? Are you going back home in disgrace?

— He was furious…

OUT!...

—… but did nothing, or say anything for that matter —Marcus filled his cup again—. I don't know, maybe he did like it… or something.

— Marcus, you don't know what you are saying. Caesar is famous for being absolutely intolerant when someone questions his sexual preferences —Balbus explained—. Did you ever hear about King Nicomedes? —Marcus shook his head—. When Caesar was 20 years old he served in Mytilene in the Contubernium (6) of Marcus Minucius Thermus. There he was sent to Bithynia to secure the help of King Nicomedes' fleet, but he spent a lot of time at his court and soon the rumor was he was the King's lover.

— And was it true? —now he had Marcus' complete attention.

— Caesar says no, and I for one believe him. But the point here is you have no idea how angry he can get when you mention this in front of him —Balbus dropped his voice—. He is a famous serial womanizer and if there is something he can't stand is the slightest mention that he could like boys. Trust me, I saw him really, really angry last time Bibulus mentioned he was every woman's husband and every man's wife.

— But… then I don't understand. If he is so intolerant, why do I still have my head on my shoulders?

— I don't know, but if I were you, I would stay away from Caesar.

(1) Marcus Tullius Cicero. Selected Works: The Second Philippic. Penguin Classics Edition, p 152

(2) Suetonius. The Twelve Caesars: life of divus Julius. Penguin Classics Edition, p 25

(3) Julius Caesar. Bellum Gallicum. The Conquest of Gaul. Penguin Classics Edition, p 38

(4) Suetonius. The Twelve Caesars: life of divus Julius. Penguin Classics Edition, p 28

(5) A Roman camp had 4 gates: Porta Praetoria, Porta Principalis Sinistra (left hand gate), Porta Principalis Dextra (right hand gate) and Porta Decumana (called like this because it was next to the tents of the tenth cohort of the Legion).

(6) Contubernium: "young equites interested in a political career, including sons of senators, now did their military service as contubernales (lit. ''tent-mates'') in close attachment to a commander. There sons of senators mingled with sons of equites, and bonds were formed that might shape a career." Ernst Badian. A Companion to Julius Caesar. Chapter Two: From the Iulii to Caesar. Wiley-Blackwell Edition, p 17