A/N: hey I just wanted to say thanks for the great feedback! this is my first fanfic so I wasn't sure if anyone would like it but hey I had to see. just a warning about this chapter because it features self harm and is a bit depressing but it gets happier at the end :) oh and it has a tiny bit of swearing in it because why not? I would love some reviews and I'm open to requests for what you want to happen next! but without any more of my droning, here is chapter 10!
Pepper rushed into Natasha's room. She had heard her screams every night, but they had stopped soon enough in the night. Tonight it continued.
"Natasha?" Pepper gasped at her.
Natasha was huddled up in the corner of the room like a small child. Her green eyes were wide with fear as she looked back at Pepper. "Get away from me!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, her Russian accent shining through. She pulled a pistol out from behind her back, holding it in her shaky hands. Pepper immediately stepped back, raising her hands in the air. Her index finger moved down to a button on her watch, but Natasha didn't seem to notice, she was too afraid, either that or she was intent on murdering someone.
Pepper heard the other Avengers feet, racing up the stairs and they barged into Natasha's room. "NO!" Pepper shouted and they thankfully stopped just in time, before Natasha shot any of them.
"What's going on?" Steve whispered. They turned to look at Bruce. "I don't think Clint woke her up from her nightmare earlier. You saw how she was when it happened when she was captive, her mind, in a sense, locks her out of reality, sort of like a prison. A mental barrier. It takes her back to the worst times of her life. For Natasha, there are a countless number of times like that."
Tony spoke up, "Not trying to make this any worse than it already is, but how exactly do we get her to stop? Because I don't really fancy having my brains blown out any time soon." Bruce didn't answer.
Natasha was still in the same position when they looked back at her, but there was something different in her eyes. Hatred. Her hands were more steady now but the gun wasn't aimed at any particular one of them. It almost looked like she could see something that they couldn't. She was still silent as she stared off into the distance, but each time one of them moved her eyes flickered back to them.
"How does Clint get her to wake up from her nightmares?" Jane asked no one in particular, "She always calms down when he's here, do you think it's some kind of trigger inside her? I heard of something like that when I was studying at college." As if by magic, they heard Clint slam the front door shut as he got back from his mission.
Clint closed the door to the Avengers tower and kicked his shoes off. No one was here. Clint was instantly nervous. "Hello?" he called out into the silence. Tony's voice rang out through the tower, "Clint! Up here-"he yelped as a gunshot went off. Oh, shit. Clint raced up the stairs to his room immediately. He rushed in to find the Avengers lined up against the wall, and Natasha huddled in the corner, a smoking gun in her hand. Thankfully no one was hurt, he could tell that because the shot fired into the wall, where for the first time in her life, Natasha had missed. He took a small step towards Natasha, but she raised the gun again, defensively. She didn't do anything when he started speaking. "Tasha, you need to wake up now. This is all in your mind, we are your friends. Hell, I would hope I'm much more than your friend. I know what everyone has done to you, but it will get better, you just have to trust me. Please, Nat drop the gun."
Jane was right about the whole trigger thing. At Clint's words, Natasha's eyes went bright as she returned back into reality. The gun slid from her hand as she slumped against the wall, in defeat. Clint walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. Tears were falling from Natasha's eye as she realised what had just happened. Clint lifted her up onto their bed and covered her with the blankets. He sat with her until she fell asleep, and then got off of the bed to talk to the others. They explained what had happened and Clint hung his head in sadness. He knew something like this was bound to happen but he never thought too much about it. He would have a serious yell at Fury in the morning, but not before helping Natasha and the others talk over what had happened.
Clint slid into bed next to Natasha, not bothering to change his clothes, and fell asleep worried.
The next morning, Clint woke Natasha up and helped her get into her temporary wheelchair. She was silent the whole time. There was no doubt that this had messed with her mind severely. Clint walked her into the kitchen where the others were sat, quietly eating their breakfast. They looked up as Natasha sat down, not making a sound. Pepper smiled at her but Natasha didn't move, she just sat there, staring into nothingness. The others bustled around her for a good couple of hours, sorting out things to do with their daily lives. Natasha hardly even noticed them.
Clint had told her he was going to SHIELD to talk to Fury and she nodded once.
A few minutes after Clint had left, Natasha wearily stood up and mumbled that she was going for a shower. Bruce helped her get to the elevator in her wheelchair but left her when she got there.
Natasha limped into the bathroom and turned the shower onto the hottest temperature. She stripped and stepped into the shower. She started scrubbing at herself, making her skin turn raw and there was soon blood spilling into the bathtub that she was standing in. She didn't notice the pain. She needed to wash away the red in her ledger and didn't care how she did it. Natasha started to think about everything she had done, everyone she had killed. Innocent lives were taken because of her. And in that moment, she realised that there was nothing she could do to clean her ledger. She reached for the knife that was in her trousers on the floor and slashed the first cut into her arm.
Clint got back from a serious yelling match with Fury. After an hour of arguing, Clint was given time off to look after Natasha. It wasn't specified how long, just until she was fully recovered. Clint had made that clear when he told Fury he would shoot him in the head if he had to go on any other missions before she was better.
Clint walked past Thor when he was walking to the elevator and Thor waved and smiled at him. Honestly, could this man get any more adorable? Clint waved back, chuckling and walked to the elevator. He pressed his desired floor, and waited calmly. Things were finally getting better.
He walked into his room, smiling slightly. He heard the shower running and went into check on Natasha.
Clint's jaw dropped as he entered the room. Natasha was collapsed in the bath with boiling hot water spraying on her from the showerhead on the wall. He ran to her and turned it off before letting his eyes return to Natasha. There was a knife in her hand and on her right arm were deep cuts in lines going up her arm. The deepest one was on the start of her wrist. He knew what had happened. He didn't speak as he lifted her out of the bath, wrapping her towel around her limp body. Clint's breathing was shallow as he flew into the elevator, repeatedly pressing the ground floor button.
Everyone looked up as they saw Clint holding Natasha in his arms and they saw the blood dripping from her. They jumped up and rushed to him as he told them he was taking her to the SHIELD infirmary. If he didn't get there quick she would be dead.
Tony got one of his cars from the garage and they all jumped in. They raced down the roads and they were at the SHIELD base in a few minutes.
Clint raced through the corridors and turned a corner, scrambling into the infirmary. The doctors immediately took Natasha from Clint's arms and set her down on the bed. Tubes were going in to all places on her body as they battled to save her life. They had injected her with as many drugs possible. As they got Natasha under control and had stopped the blood from leaving her body, they explained to the Avengers that she had nearly cut through the artery in her arm but just missed. Still, if Clint had found her 1 minute later, she would have been dead.
Natasha woke up 3 hours later. As her eyes flickered open, all she could see was white. Perfect. The SHIELD infirmary again. She looked over to Clint who was staring at her, his hands shaking. She looked away from him quickly avoiding the conversation that was about to start up. She didn't look around to the others either, she thought it was best to stare at the ceiling instead. "Why did you do it, Nat?" Clint asked her, his voice cracking.
"Why did you save me?" she mumbled. "Wait what?" Clint was confused as hell right now. What sort of question was that?
Natasha raised her voice, "Why did you save me Clint? Why didn't you just let me die? I'm not needed here, what's the point in living? After all the shit I've done, all the lives I've taken, I'm sick of it. I don't deserve to be in this world. How many people would care if I was gone, all I've done is cause pain everywhere I go. I'm tired of holding all that guilt with me, tired of the red in my ledger not leaving. I thought becoming an Avenger would change that but it hasn't. All I've done is hurt more people, the one thing I was trained to do since I was 5. My past will never leave me. The demons will haunt me forever. You should have let me die because I can't stand it anymore. All this, I just want it to stop. Ending my life would be the quickest way to make that happen. I know you talk about change, but I can't do it, too much has happened and I will always be a killer, no matter how hard I try to get away. You should've just let me die, Clint."
Clint didn't know what to say. He stared at Natasha with his mouth wide open, not speaking. He swallowed and let his thoughts control the words coming out of his mouth. "Natasha, you have changed. You changed when you broke free from the Red Room all those years ago. You changed when you met me. You changed when you became one of SHIELD's greatest agents. You changed when you saved the world and became an Avenger. You changed when you started letting people into your life. No matter what you say, you have changed, for the better. You ask yourself why there is any point in you living, and you have the answer right in front of you. It's because you were capable of change. If you didn't change, you wouldn't have saved the Earth all those months ago. You wouldn't have these amazing friends that are willing to stand up for you no matter what, who count you as their family now. And most of all you wouldn't have me. I love you Tasha, and nothing you have done or will do will change that, ever. It's not your fault that you were trained as a killer since a very young age, but you chose to change. If you had died, you would have no idea of the consequences it would cause. When you were getting tortured, you saw what it did to us. Your life is precious to so many people, Nat, and you need to start believing that. Got it?" Clint let out the breath he was holding. Natasha was staring at him and before he could say anything else she pulled him close and kissed him. It felt like a lifetime before she pulled away, but when she did, she smiled at him. "Got it."