"What are you doing here?" Sofia starred at Sara. The brunette was due for a visit in the afternoon, together with Felix. It was morning and no Felix was around.
"It took me two hours to get here, I want a better greeting than this, Miss Curtis. Try again." Struggling with the last steps Sara managed to rescue herself to the chair next to Sofia's bed, dropped on it and sighed. That was worse than a hard work out. The way from her condo to the street, the taxi drive was a little break, the way from the front door of the hospital to Sofia's room was a long journey. At least when you had to take a break every three steps. A nurse offered her a wheelchair but Sara denied. She wanted her life back to normal, that included walking. No matter how long it took and how painful it was.
"Are you all right? You look exhausted."
"I am. This was worse than physiotherapy so you better find a way to make it worth."
Sofia smiled. "It's good to have you here, Sara, I missed you."
"Better." Sara got up, sat on the bed and hugged Sofia. "When will you get out of here?"
"Soon. I'm free of all needles, they want to make sure I can survive like this and then I'm free to go. You can pack your suitcase for your holiday trip at my place."
"Perfect. What about the cast?"
"Will be gone tomorrow. We're on for some crutch races soon. I'll make you eat my dust."
"And I offer you my hand when you and your ego are on the ground because your legs weren't as good as your ego was big. You are so smug."
"Yes, I'm feeling better." Sofia kissed Sara's cheek. "The only thing that sucks is dialysis but I'll cope. That won't be an excuse for letting you win."
"Maybe there'll be a way that you don't have to go there."
"The only chance not to go is a donor and I'm at the bottom of the list. No extra points for my incredible smile and my charm."
"Nor for arrogance or pride."
"No. But it's Christmas in ten days and I'll put it on my wish list. What do you want for Christmas?"
"Nothing."
"Not acceptable. You better find something before I'm back home. We'll go Christmas shopping together."
"Says who?"
"Say I. We let Felix drive us to a mall, walk into a shop, have a coffee, go to the next shop, another coffee and so on."
"Why can't we buy gifts in the internet? If we have to get any at all."
"Sara Sidle, it will be Christmas and we will celebrate. We will get a little tree, we will have a Christmas dinner and we will have gifts. Like it or not."
"I press the dislike button."
"We will ignore that."
The door was open and a woman with a little child came in. When she saw Sara sitting on Sofia's bed she looked apologetic. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you."
"You don't. Hey Gary, did you show mommy the garden?" Sofia asked. All she got for an answer was a little nod.
"We go back there, I need a second pullover, it's cold."
"Christmas is on its way. Shelley that's Sara, she shared the room with me before. Sara that's Shelley and her son Gary. He visits her every day."
"Nice to meet you. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, I'm all right. You?"
"Two more days and I can leave. Okay Gary, lets get out. Bye."
"Have fun outside." Sofia sighed. You learn to appreciate freedom if you don't have it. Being able to get up and walk out of the room whenever you felt like it was priceless. She needed help for everything, needed somebody who helped her.
"What's wrong?" One look at Sara was enough to see something was wrong. The eyes of the brunette were sad and there was a hint of tears.
"Nothing."
"Sara…"
"I should go now." She tried to get up but Sofia held her back.
"No! Stay. Please."
"I need…"
"Sara, if you don't want to tell me what's wrong, okay, I can accept that. But don't go. Please. Please stay with me and if we just watch a stupid TV show. Don't leave me." Sofia turned on the TV, held on to Sara's hand.
Slowly the brunette got back on the bed, turned to the TV without watching the program. A talk show. Sofia had nod idea how many talk shows ran on TV every day and where they got all the people from who sat there and made a fool out of themselves. Did they pay them so much money? Were these people actors who thought they might become stars when they showed up very often in these kind of TV shows? Was it an honor to be in such a show? A part of the list of things you had to do before you died?
Her arm getting around Sara she pulled the brunette closer, let her rest her head on her shoulder. Somehow it felt like Sara needed to be closer now. She looked like she felt cold but it was warm in the room.
"Do you want some tea?"
"No, thanks"
"Okay." Sofia kept her arm tight around Sara. If Sara didn't want to talk she had to accept that. It wasn't possible to solve a problem this way but maybe it was enough when she was only there and held her.
"The night we got attacked…" Sara started carefully. "It was a special night."
Sofia didn't dare asking questions. She wanted Sara telling her whatever she needed to tell in her own speed. No pressure, no questions, only ears that were open and listened.
"I…I was…I lost…I was pregnant."
"What?" It was impossible not to say a word after these words. Sara had been pregnant when they got attacked? She never mentioned anything about it, neither before the attack nor after it. Did Sofia really hear the right words or were her ears playing her a practical joke?
"I was pregnant. Seventh week."
"You never told me."
"It was new. I…I was at the doctor the evening before, he told me about the pregnancy. I was…I was shocked. Pregnant. That couldn't be. That shouldn't be. After all I was…am single and a baby…I'm not what you call…a family person and a baby…that seemed to be so wrong. A baby deserves a good mother and I'm…I can't be…it didn't sound right. Me being pregnant. I was so horrified.
The night we got attacked…I didn't want coffee because of the baby. Somehow the thought of it made me…it had been only a day that I knew of it, I wasn't sure if it was the right decision to become a mother. But something inside made me…I caught myself…I realized at one point…I stroke my belly softly like…like I wanted to have contact with the baby…like a mother, a real mother.
My childhood was a…fuck-up mess, my mother killed my father, I became a foster kid and before that I spent a lot of time in hospitals because the parenting style of my parents was a little bit…different to other parents. Most times I was scared of my parents or I was ashamed because I knew something was different, was wrong.
Out of the blue I got the chance to have a child, give a little human the chance to have a nice life, a life I never had, never dared dreaming of because I didn't know the life I had was wrong. I thought every family was like ours. Maybe I hoped I could fight my demons by giving the child I it wanted, all it needed and I never got. Whatever it was, it was there and I felt it only a few moments before he attacked us…and…I…I lost the baby.
I lost the baby and through the miscarriage I can't have children anymore. The ovule can't nest in my uterus anymore. Even if I get pregnant I will lose the fetus within hours. I'll never be a mother."
Tears covered Sara's face. This was the first time she spoke to anybody about the pregnancy. After her doctor told her about the miscarriage and the fact that she can't get pregnant anymore she refused talking about it with anybody. Her doctors tried it a few times, she never reacted and didn't tell anybody else. It was a topic she wasn't ready to face.
"I'm so sorry Sara."
"It's not your fault. You tried to save me, you tried to get between him and me. You did all you could."
"It wasn't enough."
"You never had a chance. Like the baby. It's crazy that I mind, I never wanted a child. But these twenty-four hours of pregnancy – or known pregnancy – changed something. The problem is it doesn't matter now. It's not my decision anymore. Even if I want a baby now, it won't happen. When I saw the boy I realized it. Again."
Sofia stroke softly over Sara's arm, kissed her hair. "There are no words I can say to make you feel better, that's impossible. There are no words I can say to make it right. So I ask you if there's anything I can do? Anything that makes you feel better?"
"No. Nothing will change anything."
"Does it help a bit being in my arm? Being close?"
"Yes."
"In that case I will only hold you and listen when you want a listener." She found Sara's left hand and held it. She wasn't in a helpful position but what or who could help when you were in Sara's shoes? Nobody and nothing.