HI! It's been so long! I'm so sorry. Thank you to all of you who are still reading this for the immense support and for the patience! I'm extremely grateful. It means the world to me! I apologize sincerely for taking so long to update. I'm truly ashamed that it took me this long to put this chapter together. I made it extra-long to make up for it. And I had to make a lot of corrections in chapters 8 and 9.
Life got in the way. But the main reason is that I had a very bad, horrible, case of writer's block. I got horribly stuck. I had no idea what should happen in this chapter. It was so frustrating for me. Kept, writing, deleting, writing, deleting again… I had the hardest time EVER deciding exactly how R&J should continue… They still have plenty of issues to deal with. I don't want to give the wrong impression that it's all suddenly all rainbows and roses… But I think it's definitely time for them to become far more stable, mature and functional as a couple. I was worried of Renee (or Jack) coming off too neurotic.
Also, I wrote like three flashbacks scenes that then turned out unsuitable for this chapter (*bangs head against desk*), which turned out flashback-free. I also spend a great deal of time researching and figuring out some details for the plot (medical, legal, political, technical…etc). Sadly, most of that research was for scenes that, as it turned out, I won't use in this chapter. And you guys wouldn't believe how long that takes doing research. Besides, I had completely forgotten about the Midterm elections that should take place on November 2018 (*bangs head against desk many-many times*). So, for the sake of realism, I had to find a way to include something about that.
Moreover… I had to rewrite a lot of chapters 8 and 9… This is because I had a horrible time balancing necessary character development with the main 'terror arc' I had in mind. So I made a decision... This part of my series won't include THE terror arc I had promised. It'll be mostly about relationships, characters, a bit of political drama and also about creating an important background for the next part… So,anything we learn about the characters or any incident that might happen in this story (which won't go all that smoothly), could be important to understand the next part. (I thought I could make that one a little bit more 24-like, meaning: centered mostly on a terror attack taking place in just a day). By the way, SUPER special thanks to Molly and 'Ghost 141' for helping me to plan the basics of the terror-plot. THANKS!
PLEASE, take a look at chapters 8 and 9. I have made a lot of changes in them.
Well, enough rambling… just enjoy!
Disclaimer: 24 is not mine. Neither are the characters. They belong to Howard Gordon and FOX (Damn it!). But thanks to e-bay I own Kim Bauer's necklace from season 7 and Allison Taylor's earrings from season 8!
EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL FROM THERE
PART 3: THE RIDE WITH YOU IS WORTH THE FALL
Previously: Jack and Renee dated for seven weeks but she left him after having a miscarriage(Part one). They got back together, but when Jack was shot by someone trying to kill Renee, she decided to leave him so he could have a normal life. (Part two) She moved with her friend Leo to the Walker mansion and started therapy. Allison Taylor made her chief of staff and Jack became national security advisor (Chapter one- part 3) After Allison and Ethan's wedding, Jack and Renee got back together again. He learnt about Renee having PTSD and going to therapy.
Next: It's poker night with Leo and Liz. Jack's insecurities emerge. He realizes there are some issues that he needs to talk with Renee to feel more confident about their relationship.
CHAPTER 10:
YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED
October 23rd 2018 – Tuesday
Bethesda, Maryland – Walker's House
02.18 AM
It was a very cold and dark night. Renee was horrified running away from Vladimir. She was holding a little baby tightly against her body. It was a small baby girl with blonde hair and pale-green eyes, all dressed in pink clothes. She couldn't let that bastard hurt her child. She hid behind a three and sighed with huge relief. It seemed that Vladimir was nowhere around. Suddenly, he popped up from some bushes with a handgun, knocked Renee down to the ground and stole the baby. "You're nobody's mother. You're a dirty whore"
A few salty tears kept rolling down her cheek. "Give me my baby back, you son of a bitch… I want my child back…"
"Which one?" Vladimir asked with his most somber tone.
Then, a seven year old boy appeared out of nowhere. The child had auburn hair, freckles on his face but Vladimir's eyes and nose. He stared at Renee with hope but in disbelief, "Mamochka?"
Renee soon shook her head in strong denial and addressed Vladimir coldly, "That's your son… not mine".
"Choose one of them" Vladimir ordered brusquely to Renee, disregarding what she had just said about the boy. The kid then began crying that he wanted his 'mamochka'. The baby girl began crying too. Vladimir lost his temper and held a bread-knife right next to the baby's eye, "choose one now or I'll kill them both"
"I want my baby. Give me my baby" Renee burped out desperately in a heartbeat.
Then, Vladimir just shot the boy dead without even looking at him. He kept his eyes on Renee with a mixture of shock and disgust, "You made me do that and you didn't even blink! You dirty whore. You don't deserve to be anybody's mother!" Vladimir screamed furiously. And then, while Renee helplessly watched in shock, Vladimir nailed the knife in the baby's little eye and continued butchering the baby girl, who turned suddenly into a huge pond of scarlet blood. Renee screamed in horror and felt excruciating pain coming from inside her.
Jack was abruptly woken up by Renee muttering something unintelligible, with her eyes wide open, looking panicked. She was very sweaty and breathing fast. He was so scared and had no idea what was going on. "Hey… Renee… Renee…" She didn't seem to notice he was even there. So he figured out she was asleep. As he tried to wake her up, he could understand one of the things she muttered was the word 'baby'. He was so concerned. "Renee, it's all right. You're fine". She finally jerked awake and stared back at him with very deep confusion. He tried to reassure her with a soft and gentle voice, "It's okay. It was only a nightmare"
She nodded, feeling still much shaken up, as reality sunk in. With her hand still trembling, she reached for the lamp that was over her night table and turned on the light. Her heart was still pounding very fast and she felt short of air. She moved to a sitting position and took deep breaths to calm down. Then she drank some water from the bottle she always kept on her night table. She knew it had all been a bad dream. The little boy and the baby girl had never even been born. Still, she felt like such a cold bitch, a monster. She was sure Jack's baby, her baby, had been taken away from her as some sort of cruel karmic punishment. A few pesky tears rolled down her cheeks and she covered her face with her hands, feeling truly ashamed.
Jack felt so helpless. All he could do to try making her feel better was massaging her tense shoulders and neck as he whispered with a low tone of voice, "You're okay, Sweetheart. You're safe. You're safe now".
"I know" Renee whispered softly, her voice was barely steady.
Jack fixated his concerned green eyes on her while holding her free hand between his. "Wanna tell me about it?" His eyes were clearly begging her to share her bad dream with him. He told her as gently as possible what he already knew. "Look, you… uh, you said something about a baby".
She looked away from him with embarrassment as another tear escaped from her eye. She brushed it off quickly and swallowed hard a lump formed on her throat. "I'm sorry, Jack… I can't…"
Jack was starting to feel truly desperate. He knew that nightmare had been about the baby she had lost, his baby. But she never ever wanted to talk about it. He had tried to respect that, because she always respected that he never wanted to talk about China or Audrey. But he couldn't just watch Renee suffering like that and back down because she wanted him to. He had no idea what to do, though. It was breaking his heart. "Renee, you don't talk about the miscarriage, ever. Why don't you talk to me?" But Renee stared at the ceiling with her arms folded in front of her. Jack wanted to reach out to her. The lost of their child had been heartbreaking for him too. But, being a man, he could only try to imagine how Renee was feeling. "I mean, your assistant, who you see every day, is four months pregnant. Kim is pregnant too… maybe all that is affecting you. That's understandable. You can tell me…"
His words actually felt like a shot in her stomach. Renee then had enough. She remained calm, but clearly angry and hurt. "Jack, stop telling me what to do, what I should feel or how I should feel it… don't try to handle me"
Jack was hurt by those accusations. She was being so unfair. "I'm not being controlling. I'm trying to help"
"I know" Renee's voice was barely a pained whisper. She hadn't meant to be an ungrateful asshole to Jack. She loved him and appreciated his efforts, his good intent. And, for that, she placed one hand on top of his. But she still couldn't look directly at him. At that moment, his eyes would only make her think of the baby's eyes. That was exactly what she didn't want. She wanted to stop picturing that baby in her mind. She had to let it go. "I'm trying to move on. I want to put that behind me" After saying that, she got up from the bed.
Jack got instantly alarmed. "Renee?"
"I'm all sweat. I just need a shower" She tried to sound calm. She was indeed sweat and feeling so disgusting.
"Uh, okay" Jack laid on his back staring pensively at the ceiling. Maybe he had to let her feel the pain in her own way and simply be there. He was dying to help her somehow. Perhaps it was better to let her handle it like she wanted. Pretty soon, she reemerged from the bathroom with her hair damped and wearing just her dark pink t-shirt. She slid under the covers on her front with her arms around the pillow and her head tilted to one side. He rolled onto his side and rubbed circles on her back with one hand. "I'm here. Please, just tell me what you want me to do. If talking doesn't help then, what do I do?"
Renee rolled to lie onto his side and face him. She had never seen him so… lost. But the only thing she needed Jack to do was quite simple, actually. "Just… hold me". Without saying a word, Jack got settled on his back, then slid his arm under her and rolled her towards him for a tight embrace.
07.37 PM
After yet another long day of working hard at the White House and attending meetings at the Pentagon, Jack parked his vehicle next to Renee's, inside her garage. She saw her waiting for him by the door connecting the garage and the living room. The first thing he noticed was that she was still looking amazing in the same serious and classy burgundy-red sheath dress she had wore for work, except she was now wearing it without the tweed jacket that went with it. That dress truly fit her figure, even though its square neckline didn't do her breasts enough justice. The second thing he noticed was that her face seemed to light up when he got out of his car and his eyes made contact with hers. He had been so worry about her because she'd had a really rough night and then the day had been far too hectic for them to even share a cup of coffee. "Hey".
"Hey" she smiled back at him and brushed softly her lips against his. "So, they're already here"
Jack noticed the hint of excitement on her voice. Renee had invited her friends Leon Craig and Elizabeth Anne Stockard over for their regular poker nights. Sharing this with Jack too seemed to mean a lot to her. Maybe it was because she wanted him to befriend the only people in the world she trusted. Or, probably, she was itching to show him that they could do normal stuff, share at least one nice evening without tragedies or sadness. Either way, he was willing to go along with her. "Great, I brought the drinks"
"Thank you, Jack, you didn't have to", Renee graciously accepted the bags Jack gave her with different kinds of non-alcoholic beverages. As they entered the living room, they spotted Cooper Anton Jamison, Elizabeth's eight year old son, all set on the pine-colored velvet couch, playing videogames with a laptop on his lap. "Hey, Coop, my friend Jack is here. Remember seeing him at the president's wedding?"
The kid briefly took his luminous topaz-brown eyes from the computer to look at Jack. "I remember" Then he focused back on the game while quickly correcting Renee. "But he's your boyfriend, not your friend, right?"
Renee looked at him awkwardly. They still hadn't discussed labels. But Jack gave her a small victorious smile, with her eyes on her, as he actually answered Copper's question. "If you say so, kiddo"
"So, what are you doing?" Renee asked Cooper with curiosity, actually approaching to see the computer's screen.
"I have to kill these green aliens before they destroy the planet" Cooper explained very matter-of-factly.
Renee pretended to be extremely impressed. "All by yourself?"
Cooper shot the woman a very confused and surprised look. "It's just a game, Renee"
Renee chucked and playfully messed up the kid's blonde curls. "I know, champ. So, where are your mom and Leo?"
Without taking his eyes from the computer, Cooper pointed at the doorway leading to the kitchen. But Jack gently took Renee's hand before she could go. "Sweetheart, I should change first… I'll be there in a minute"
"Okay" Renee agreed not at all surprised, already knowing very well how Jack felt so unease wearing a business suit, tie and shoes. He was never comfortable wearing those sort of outfits.
Jack was actually curious about the mystery that represented Renee's friendship with Leon Craig. His first instinct had been to hate that guy for handing Renee to Vladimir on a plate, twice, calculative sacrificing her to obtain results. But Renee seemed so very fond of that jerk, who was her only close living friend… She considered that guy her best friend. What did that mean? Jack had no idea what to make of everything. He had to find out what was the deal with that man. Taking the chance to scrutinize Leo was the first logical step to Jack. A more careful analysis of the subject and the situation seemed necessary before deciding anything else. For a change, he had time to do that.
At the master bedroom, Jack put on jeans, sneakers and a pale green shirt he kept in a drawer Renee had given him. Then, he headed back downstairs. As he stepped into the kitchen, he saw Elizabeth by the counter chopping some tomatoes and Renee washing lettuce to add to the salad. As they prepared the meal, they seemed to be talking about the Presidential Approval Poll. Jack knew thirty interviewers had begun making the calls on Monday at 6 PM as the communications team supervised. But it would take a while to see some results. As Renee was explaining the other woman, "It takes forty eight hours just getting the 1500 responses we need"
"It takes thirty people forty eight hours to make 1500 calls?" Elizabeth wondered with profound disbelief. Considering the amount of people working on that, she had assumed it would take a lot less.
"It takes them about twelve hours to make 1500 calls" Renee corrected Liz very smoothly, with a gentle tone, while putting the clean lettuce on a bowl. "But we need 1500 responses, which takes 6000 calls"
Instantly, Liz did the math, never stopping chopping the tomatoes. "Only 1 in 4 people don't hang up?"
"And that's if we are lucky" Rene pointed out rather gravely. She sighed as she finished washing the vegetables. Now what? There was just no way she would chop anything. So, she would start setting the table. But, before that, she poured a glass of coke for herself and gave Liz another one.
Elizabeth took the glass Renee had handed her, and then noticed Jack entering the kitchen. She was glad to have the chance to get to know that man better. Jack had done many impressive things for the country, including destroying Charles Logan's presidency. She smiled as they shook hands. "Nice seeing you, Mr. Bauer"
"Please, call me Jack" He smiled back, instantly liking that friendly woman. Elizabeth had played a fundamental role in saving his life and Renee's on May, debunking the Russian conspiracy and Charles Logan's role in it. But the strangest and most interesting thing about Elizabeth was the fact that, in spite all the hell the woman had gone through, there was still a hint of sweetness and innocence irradiating from her.
"Only if you call me Liz" She stated in a heartbeat with a smirk.
"Seems fair" Jack readily agreed keeping a straight face. Then he looked at Renee, who seemed pleased to watch him being friendly, and smiled at her. But he obviously hadn't failed to notice his target was nowhere around. His eyes narrowed with suspicion. "And… Where's Craig?"
"He's smoking outside" Renee shrugged nonchalantly and finished drinking her coke.
"I'll keep him company" Jack quickly 'volunteered' sounding too eager. He was being as subtle as the US army in foreign soil. Strong suspicion crossed momentarily Renee's face, but soon she gave him a tiny nod. Clearly, she knew his intention was to inspect her friend, to gain some control, but was willing to let it slide, probably knowing that was the only way for him to ever let go his apprehension over Leo. He had to love her for understanding that.
Jack crossed the big glass door leading to the spacious backyard and took a few seconds to silently admire his surroundings. Not a single star was visible on the cloud-covered sky. Yet, the area was nicely lightened by four elegant white outdoor lamps on planter bases, with three glove lamps each. The pool, 20 feet wide and 50 feet long was now emptied and covered for the season. The rest of the garden was mostly filled with Maryland golden-aster plants and eight Cherry Blossoms trees, with their leaves in different shades of brown and orange. All the foliage and flowers were dying as autumn passed by, but would blossom again in spring. He could only imagine how great that would look like. He was hit with the realization that he wanted so badly to see it next year.
But he quickly focused back on the task at hand. He spotted Leo smoking as expected and laying on one of the wooden loungers by the pool. He greeted him taking a seat in another lounger. "Hey"
Leo calmly took a drag from his cigarette and then greeted the other man. "Hey"
"It's freezing here" Jack commented, at lack of anything better to say. Inside the house, the central heating kept them warm. Outside, he felt the chill of the windy autumn evening. And, unlike Leo, he didn't have a jacket on.
"Yep… but, I sure know better than to smoke around Renee and Liz" he jokingly made a fearful gesture. Obviously, he didn't fear but respected both women. He wouldn't even consider not following Renee's house-rules. After another drag, he finished the cigarette and used an empty can of soda as an ashtray. Immediately, he lighted another one and extended the open box of 'Lucky Strike' cigarettes to Jack. "Want one, Bauer?"
"I don't smoke" Jack declined promptly. And he took note with surprise of the natural southern accent coming out spontaneously from Leo's mouth. Leo was from Austin, Texas, but had lived in Brooklyn since the age of seventeen and had constantly spoken with a thick Russian accent for years, as part of his cover. So Jack hadn't expected to hear any trace of a southern drawl. Did that mean Leo was being his real self?
"Good" Leo approved with a nod and took a long drag from his cigarette. It was poison. But, for him, it was the lesser evil. He trusted nobody. But he was willing to make a rare exception and trust Jack Bauer, given that man's very impressive history of courageous service to the country. So he admitted, "Smoking helps me stay sober"
It was the first time Jack ever heard about Leo's alcoholism. So he stared with surprise for a moment. Was it the truth or an attempt to win Jack's trust? If Leo was being honest, an addiction was definitely something Jack could understand too well. But, obviously, that wouldn't make him reciprocate with a confidence of his own. He limited himself to make one very easy guess. "You drank too much to maintain your cover with the Russians?"
"No, I drank too much because I'm an alcoholic", Leo replied meaningfully. Unlike Renee, he had drunk far more of what he had to drink to avoid the Russian's suspicions and he used to get truly wasted by himself. His addiction could have gotten him killed more than once, and many times he had wished just that. But, exactly like the cat with a hat tattooed on his back suggested, he had always managed to land on his feet.
That blunt response stunned Jack. It had sounded so… candid. Perhaps due to his own history of substance abuse, Jack felt willing to cut Renee's friend some slack. "Craig, you were pretending to be one of them. You had to take, at least, one or two shots of Vodka"
"True" Leo acknowledged that fact with a nod. He could tell right then that Jack was justifying him only to justify himself. But with some resignation he admitted somberly another sad truth "Problem was, I never wanted 'one or two' shots… I have always wanted the entire bottle…"
Jack allowed the other man's words truly sink in and mused about the deeper meaning behind them. Their respective jobs and undercover missions had only unchained demons already existing inside them, provided freedom to be self-destructive, an excuse to 'stay in hell'. Jack, for one, had always known he was his own worst enemy, deep down. Even though, sometimes, he blamed his job at CTU for everything.
His musings were very rudely interrupted by a tiny barking dog agilely popping up in the garden, seemingly out of nowhere. Jack was completely stunned by the unexpected appearance. What the hell was that thing doing in Renee's garden? Indeed, the dog was certainly small enough to pass through the space between the vertical metal bars from the fence separating Renee's house from her neighbor's. It was a hideous dog with white humanlike skin, tufts of fur on its paws and tail, in addition to long, flowing hair on its head forming a crest. It kept running around in circles fanatically and barking furiously at the men. But, naturally, the tiny creature wouldn't even scare an infant. It was just an ugly and exasperating 10 pound bundle of hysteria.
Instantly, Leo recognized the hairless Chinese Crested dog Renee's neighbor owned. He laughed mocking the dog's very pathetic attempt to 'bully' them. "Sorry, you ain't scary. You're just one irritating little flea"
"Rat would be more like it" Jack groaned annoyed. "Who owns that thing?" Before Leo could reply though, a lady who seemed to be about seventy, with short white hair and dark brown eyes emerged from the neighbor's house.
"Lady Luck, come here!" Dorothy 'Dory' Florrick approached the fence as quickly as possible. She had been getting ready to watch TV in bed but had noticed the pet was missing. She had immediately left the house in her purple pajamas to look for her dog, named after a song her late husband had adored: 'Luck Be a Lady'.
Leo easily caught the dog with one hand and kept its mouth tightly shut with the other, to avoid getting bitten. After that, he approached the woman while the dog fidgeted in anger. "Here you have her, Mrs. Florrick"
Immediately, Lady Luck jumped into Dory's arms and calmed down a little, but kept uselessly growling and showing its teeth to the men. Dory petted her dog with relief. "Thank you, uh…" She trailed off and stared at the tall man with hazel eyes and brown hair, trying to remember his name. She should know it. She was quick to cover her memory lapse though. "…Young man. And I'm sorry. I don't know why she keeps coming here".
"It's okay" Leo reassured Dory shrugging, just to try to be nice, with Jack right behind him.
"Well, your wife seemed angry at me the other day. That girl's got her dad's bad temper. Abbey was so much nicer… God rest her soul". Dory huffed sadly, thinking about how she missed her late dear friend. Abbey's daughter was respectful, but just very cold and uptight sometimes.
Leo just rolled his eyes with annoyance. "Mrs. Florrick, I told you I'm not Renee's husband".
"Right" She acknowledged, then remembering having made the same mistake before. Then she noticed the other man, the one with light green eyes and blonde hair. That stranger was looking angry for some reason. She wisely decided to retreat quickly to her home with her beloved pet. "Anyway, thank you…"
Once the woman was out of sight, Leo turned around and was startled by Jack's livid expression. Totally confused, he tried to find out nicely what the problem was. "Is something wrong, Bauer?"
"Why does she think Renee's your wife?" Jack asked right back, providing the answer to Leo's question.
"She's got confused cause I lived here" he explained with a casual 'What's the big deal?' tone, wrongly assuming Jack already knew and understood everything about his friendship with Renee, like Liz did now. He was forgetting, however, that it had taken five months and a few strong arguments for him and Liz to get to where they were.
Jack froze in shock momentarily. His nervous blinking was his only movement as he processed the information. What the hell was that guy really saying? 'I lived here', he didn't like the sound of that at all. When he noticed Leo was about to get back into the house, Jack quickly stood right in front of him cutting his way. "What?"
Leo almost laughed at what, he could only assume, was Jack's 'comical jealous act'. But the look in those pale green eyes revealed the man was seriously upset. So he got equally serious to clear the misunderstanding. "I lived here for a couple of months… using the guest room" he put extra emphasis on those last three words. Jack didn't say anything. So Leo kept trying desperately to reason with the man before him. "After things got so messed up in New York, I sure as hell couldn't show my face around my house in Brooklyn… every Russian gangster in New York, and Suvarov, wanted my heart on a plate… I had nowhere to go. So Renee offered me to hide here for a while"
More importantly, Renee had been a danger to herself for weeks. He couldn't leave her alone until that changed. But he wisely omitted telling Jack that part, sensing Renee wouldn't want him to. Still, Bauer's jealousy could not be more ridiculous. It wasn't easy to intimidate Leon Craig, but Bauer was close to archiving that by never stopping to silently shoot hate darts with his eyes. Total silence was the one thing that freaked Leo out. Since sometimes he used humor as defense mechanism, as desperate measure to break the silence, he attempted a joke. "Think of me as Anna Frank" Getting no verbal response, Leo mentally scolded himself for making such a lame joke. He was far too nervous. "Seriously, Renee and I never been more than good friends". He then patted Jack's shoulder, to smooth things along. He went for 'reassuring' but came off as 'patronizing' instead.
Jack had used 'the silence treatment' almost automatically as a protection mechanism. He had nothing to say to that man. He limited himself to hear the information that man alone was giving away. He resented deeply that close friendship between Renee and Leo, even when it was only platonic. But it was a matter Jack had to discuss solely with Renee. Yet, by not saying a word, he was actually revealing too much and acting immature. For Renee's benefit, he had to act as cool as possible. "Fine… I understand"
"Good. We're cool then" Leo sighed with some relief and lighted another cigarette. Naively, he patted Jack's shoulder again in a 'pal' manner. He still didn't know Jack Bauer well enough to translate that 'fine' correctly.
"Yeah…" Jack reluctantly patted Leo's shoulder back, to be even more convincing. Once Leo finished one last cigarette and threw it into his soda can, both men headed back inside.
In the dining room, Renee and Liz were putting a few bowls with fries, onion rings, and salad on the table. Renee turned around to face them. "So, that barking we heard just then…?"
"Yep, Lady Luck visited you again, Gorgeous. She's obsessed with your garden" Leo confirmed sounding breezy.
"Lucky me" Renee commented sarcastically, rolling her eyes, as Leo and Liz chuckled.
Jack truly couldn't quite match the other's relaxed demeanor, but he kept making a good effort to at least appear cool. He gave Renee a tiny smile and instinctively put an arm around her waist. She actually smiled back.
Elizabeth had met Dory and the dog back in July. But the dog's name was news to her. Thinking it was ridiculous, she shook her head incredulous. "Wait… that tiny ugly dog is called Lady Luck?"
Dory had once told Leo the reason for dog's name. So he approached Liz, put his arms around her waist from behind and, to give her a hint, he hummed softly "Luck be a lady tonight… Luck, be a lady tonight…"
Then Elizabeth smiled, getting it. She turned around and put her arms around Leo's shoulders as she joined him in the humming, "Luck, if you've ever been a lady to begin with… Luck, be a lady tonight…"
Renee chuckled softly and put an arm around Jack's waist, tightening the embrace. Jack found her proximity and her 'I'm with him' gesture very reassuring. It would help him to momentarily let go what bugged him.
Meanwhile, Cooper frowned with jealousy over his mom and Leo. But, upon overhearing them talk about a dog, he remembered an important request he had forgotten to make since that morning. "Mommy, can I get a puppy?"
"No" Leo was the one to give quickly the eight-year-old one firm response. Not a day had gone by in the past week without Cooper asking for a puppy at least three times. He had to be the one saying no, since Liz was incapable of using that word with her child. "We told you already… we can compromise and get you a hamster or a canary…"
"Those are stupid pets" Cooper protested sharply, just for the sake of not giving in easily.
"Cooper! Enough!" Liz scolded, as harshly as she was capable of. "We already talked about this"
The kid looked so disappointed. Renee felt so bad for him, so she tried making a suggestion that could cheer him up. "Hey, kiddo…. What if you play my mom's piano and show us your talent? I heard you're getting quite good".
"I'm not" the kid quickly corrected with a sad face and shot one guilt-dart at Liz with his topaz-brown eyes. "Cause mom won't buy me my own piano to practice. I can only play at school"
Once again, Leo rushed to his girlfriend's rescue. "Well, your guitar became 'lame' all the sudden, remember? So your mom will buy you a piano when she's sure you'll stick to it…" Predictably, that comment earned Leo angry rays from the kid's eyes. But Cooper found a new passion every month. He recalled the eight year old trying out with tennis, hockey, drums, guitar and violin. The kid was currently hooked on piano and basketball.
"Meanwhile, you can visit me and practice with my mom's, whenever you want" Renee suggested. She had kept the piano only because it had meant the world to her mom and Grandma Claire O'Carroll. But Renee had never been interested in playing any instrument. The 'musical gene' had skipped her generation. Hopefully, the piano would serve to cheer the kid up. "See, Coop? I really need you to play it because… well, I suck big time".
That indeed dragged a very soft chuckle out of Cooper. "Okay… thanks, Renee"
Leo took a look at her watch and then addressed the little boy. "Okay, buddy. It's time for your insulin"
"You can use the guest room" Renee promptly offered whispering to Liz's ear.
"Thanks" Liz smiled and nodded, appreciating deeply Renee's patience. Though Cooper clearly had no intention of letting them test his blood sugar and inject him insulin. The kid was again sulking on the couch, with a big frown on his face and his arms folded across the chest. Liz would have to beg. "Please, baby, work with us"
The kid already knew he had no way to win that one. But he could try to obtain a small benefit, since mom sometimes offered him 'a prize' for having a perfect behavior. "And what do I get?"
The kid had been diagnosed with Type One diabetes three months before. And Cooper's idea of 'making lemonade if life gives you lemons' seemed to consist in using his illness to continually get new toys and money. Leo was truly fed up of the kid's manipulation. So, before Liz had the chance to cave in, he stepped up and firmly forced Cooper to get down the couch. "You get to stay healthy. You need your medicine… and that's that"
The kid shot an 'I hate you' glare at Leo, who took him to the guest room, regardless. Leo had to coach Liz, who still felt too insecure to give her kid the injections herself. Cooper had lost his dad five years before. He was now stuck with a mom who worked all the time, mom's new boyfriend and diabetes, on top of everything else. Considering all that, Elizabeth just felt way too much guilt to be tough with the kid, even if it was absolutely necessary. The normally fierce and courageous woman turned weak like a jelly-o when it came to Cooper.
Renee watched the three of them head upstairs. She knew Liz, Leo and Cooper had to deal with difficult issues, but they were meant to get through every rough patch together, holding on jointly. There was no doubt in Renee's mind about that. Then, she turned around to look Jack and locked her pale blue eyes into his beautiful aquamarine-green ones. She could tell he was upset. But she didn't know what was wrong exactly. Unsure of what to do about it, she approached him timidly and held tightly his right hand, while caressing the side of his left arm with her free hand. "Jack, is…?"
"It's fine. We'll talk later…" His expression barely revealed anything. The truth was that he didn't want to blurt everything out right then. But he couldn't help feeling hurt. There were too many things he needed to say to her and too many questions bugging him. He didn't like that she had lived with that guy and never said anything. She kept hiding things from him. It wasn't about sex. It was about Jack feeling that some other guy knew her better than he did, that she was closer to some other guy. He pressed his lips tightly together. He really needed to talk to her, tell her what was bothering him, but once they were alone.
Obviously there was something wrong, Renee remained very skeptical. "Do you want them to leave?"
"No" Jack's response was automatic and categorical. "All I want is for us to talk and we can do that later"
"Really?" She was concerned, nothing good ever came from 'we need to talk'.
"It's only a talk. We'll be fine" He assured her. He just wanted to fix what was wrong in their relationship. He didn't want to lose her. Even though he was upset, he knew they were meant to hold on and overcome their issues together. But they needed to have that conversation.
08.37 PM
The four adults were then sitting around the dining table, playing their card game while drinking sodas. Cooper was entertained watching a Disney movie on Renee's giant-screen TV, after eating chicken and fries. It was then Leo's turn to deal the cards. He dealt five cards to each adult, one at a time, all face down. Then he placed the remaining deck aside. Sitting at his left, Renee was the first one who had to either place a bet or fold. She had gotten the 7 of hearts, the 3 of spades, the 8 of clubs, the 10 of diamonds and the 10 of hearts. With some trust in her pair of tens, she started by betting two dollars, barely showing any emotion. "I'm in"
Jack tried hard to read her expression. He couldn't figure out whether she had gotten good cards or not. He, for one, had gotten the 3 of hearts, the ace of diamonds, the Jack of clubs, the 8 of spades and the 9 of clubs. That did absolutely nothing for him. But he would get the chance to trade the ace, the 3 and go for a flush or a straight. So, he decided to bet three dollars. "I see your two dollars… and I raise you one"
Elizabeth scanned thoughtfully the other's faces with her big sapphire eyes. Unfortunately, she was not that familiar with Renee and Jack to be able to read them well, and Leo's poker-face was far too good, even for her. Besides, she had gotten a truly lousy hand made by the 2 of clubs, the 4 of hearts, the 6 of hearts, the Jack of spades and the king of Diamonds. She decided it was better not to risk it. "I'm out…" Then, since she was out for the round anyway, she offered kindly the other woman, "Renee, would you like me to go get the cake now?"
"If you really don't mind…" Renee accepted with a gracious smile.
Elizabeth was quick to put Renee more at ease candidly. "Please, I'm happy to help"
"Thank you, Liz" After thanking Elizabeth's courtesy, Renee focused on the game again and stared intensively into Leo's hazel eyes. She challenged him. "So, Ruskie, are you in or out?"
Leo theatrically drank the soda on his glass with one compulsive and quick movement, like it was Vodka, making Renee chuckle. He always liked to purposely delay making his play, just for the sake of acting mysterious. Actually, he had a bad hand, so he grumpily folded. "I'm out"
So, it was only Renee and Jack still in the game. They specified how many of their cards they wanted to replace and discarded them. Then, both of them were dealt in turn the same number of cards they had discarded. Renee kept the pair of tens and replaced the other three cards. She looked at the new ones, keeping a straight face. They turned out to be pathetic. She still had nothing but her stinky pair of 10s. Her pale blue eyes examined carefully Jack's features. He briefly looked away, down and bit his lower lip. The movement was so quick and subtle, indeed, that nobody else perceived it but her. She wondered whether he had even worst cards than she did. She thought that it was worth the risk and placed a 5-dollar bet acting as cold as possible. "I'm in"
"She's bluffing, Bauer" Leo said automatically with a hell lot of confidence, never taking his eyes from Renee, and unwittingly getting an annoyed 'who-the-hell-asked-you' stare from Bauer.
"What's bluffing?" Cooper instantly asked. The kid was watching his movie but overhearing the adults at the same time. The grownups always had the most interesting chats when they thought he wasn't listening.
Leo tried to explain the concept to the kid. "It's like… It's pretending you have something you don't have, only to make the other person back down, out of fear"
Cooper got it easily and then, putting an innocent expression, recalled out loud a particular instance of bluffing from his real life. "Oh, like you pretending your coffee made you very sick, to make me admit I'd put salt on it?"
"Right" Leo lowered his head with some embarrassment. He knew faking harsh chest pains until a very scared Cooper whined 'but it was just salt' had been a very cheap and childish stunt. He got justifiable disapproving glares from Jack and Renee. Desperate to divert the attention from his questionable step-parenting techniques, Leo encouraged the others to go on with the game. "Please, carry on…"
"Anyway" Renee babbled a bit awkwardly. Then, she locked her eyes into Jack's. She tried to act as cocky and challenging as possible. "So, am I bluffing, Jack?"
Honestly, Jack had no idea, which made him very nervous. He was supposed to know. He looked at his own cards once again. He only had a pair of Jacks. It was not good. But, were Renee's cards any better? He was pretty sure they had to be, or she wouldn't have bothered placing a bet at all. He figured that, as much as he detested doing so, he had no other choice but to fold. He didn't reply her question directly, but instead groaned, "I'm out"
Renee's lips curbed up in a small grin while collecting the money from the pot. Since Jack had folded, she didn't have to show what hand she had actually gotten. But Leo was completely overpowered by curiosity and took a quick peek. He chuckled and shook his head, "You just had a pair of tens"
Nearly at the same time, Renee playfully slapped the cards away from his hand. "Hey, Ruskie… Play fair for once"
Jack was stunned. He had failed to notice Renee had been bluffing. Another man had noticed it, though. That certainly hit a nerve. Out of frustration, he couldn't help to snap at her, "You betted on a lousy pair of tens?"
"Only seven bucks" She reminded him calmly, shrugging dismissively, trying not to make a big deal out of his little outburst. She knew that, not even on his best days, Jack coped well with losing at any game. Neither did she.
"I told you she was bluffing" Leo said in an 'I-tried-to-help-you' manner, foolishly seeking for male-bonding, but earning yet another hate-dart from the man's pale green eyes. It was frustrating. For once, Leon Craig was sincerely interested in making a new friend. But given Bauer's attitude, Leo would limit himself to just be civil around the guy… and that only out of deep respect for Renee's feelings.
Luckily, before things could get more awkward, Elizabeth brought the cake to the table and Cooper fast helped her by bringing some small dishes and silverware. The eight year old was now excited since he would get, finally, some cake. He was allowed small treats, every now and then, since the insulin kept his blood sugar level under control.
Liz innocently began cutting the cake, a New York-style cheesecake based on cream cheese with strawberry sauce. She had bought the cake to show appreciation for Renee's hospitality. Yet, Renee's face lost all color at the mere sight of it. Leo knew exactly why. He cleared his throat nervously. "Uh, Liz… Renee can't eat cheese cake". Both Liz and Jack looked at him confused and surprised by that, while Renee kicked Leo's shin under the table with a clear 'shut up!' look. So, he soon made up something, "She's allergic to strawberries, and that's strawberry sauce…"
"I'm sorry. I didn't know" Liz was deeply mortified. Then she softly hit the back of Leo's head, "You didn't tell me!"
"You said you'd bring a chocolate cake" Leo reminded her defensively.
"I was going to, but they were out..." Liz nervously ran a hand through her short blonde curls. "I'm so sorry"
"It's really okay" Renee reassured the other woman with a tiny smile. Making a huge effort to conceal the nauseas the cake gave her. The cake made her truly sick, just not in the way Leo ha said. But how could Elizabeth know? Renee tried to reassure the other woman. "It was a nice gesture. You didn't have to bring anything at all".
Leo felt bad for his girlfriend. Trying to cheer her up, he took Liz's hand and made her sit on his lap. "Hey, Goldilocks… it's all right" She then nodded and smiled at him while caressing his brown soul patch.
Meanwhile, Jack's pale green eyes remained nailed on Renee. Many questions were running around his head. He had seen her eating strawberries many times, including the night before. Why lie about being allergic? It had to be important, since Renee wouldn't reject a guest's present over something trivial. So, what was wrong? What stung Jack the most was that Leon Craig knew the answer to that question, but he didn't. It was just another example of how another man knew her better.
9:55 PM
Renee's friends had just left to their home in Georgetown. Jack was finally alone with her. He truly wanted to talk to her, and she knew that. The problem was that they didn't know exactly how to start. In awkward silence, they tidied up the living room a little bit. Renee didn't want her housekeeper to find such a big mess in the morning. So, she began loading the dishwashing machine with all the dirty dishes and silverware and Jack threw dirty napkins away and took what was left of the coke back in the refrigerator. Then he picked up the big plate with what was left of the cheesecake and walked into the kitchen with it, "What do you want to do with this?"
"Leave it in the frish, please. Maybe Mariya will like it" Renee suggested as she finished loading the dishwasher.
Before doing as told, Jack decided to eat just a little sliver. He had already eaten some, but wanted more. He needed a way to control the anxiety he was feeling. He placed the cheesecake over the black granite countertop, pulled a small plate from one of the ochre wooden cabinets and helped himself a small piece of cake. He put the rest of it away and began eating his piece quickly without even sitting down. He found it very delicious.
Renee observed him a bit uncomfortably. She was feeling edgier than usual. She just had to relax. "Jack, I'm making some Valerian tea, want some?"
"Yeah, thanks". That sounded like a terrific idea right then. He observed her make the tea. Looking at her was reassuring somehow. While still eating his piece of cake, he decided to start the conversation with what, he figured, had to be the easiest of the topics to be discussed that night. "So, why don't you like cheese cake?"
Renee stared at him with some confusion, until she recalled eating strawberries the night before. She put her arms around herself a bit nervously. "Oh, no reason. I just don't"
"Don't lie to me" Jack replied automatically with his firmest no-nonsense tone.
Renee was taken aback by his strong reaction and stared at him blinking nervously. She swallowed a big lump on her throat. Jack looked back at her really pained. "Fine" She caved in reluctantly. If it meant that much to him, she would say it. As she said it, she glued her gaze to the floor, as if the large tan ceramics and the smaller cream ones were a beautiful Picasso painting. "It was… uh, Vladimir's favorite dessert. And we just happened to have it the night he, uh, hit me very hard for the first time… I fell, he kicked me on the stomach and I threw up"
Jack's first automatic reaction was to throw away the rest of cake on his plate without another bite. He wasn't even surprised. In the end, it all came down to that monster that had scarred her so deeply. Jack leaned over the countertop with his hands curled tightly in fists, feeling helpless. He hated that Russian bastard so much. The 'couple of trips to the emergency room' described in her file represented probably a ten percent of Renee's suffering during her sixteen months with Vladimir. He could only imagine the rest. Then, he turned to look at her. She looked so ashamed of herself that it broke his heart. He got close to her slowly and lifted it gently for her to look at him. "Hey, what he did was not your fault. You shouldn't be embarrassed"
"I know" she whispered very weakly. Then, her electric kettle made a sound announcing the water was already hot enough for the tea. She welcomed the interruption and promptly poured hot water into two cups with teabags. They sat on the ochre wooden corner bench by the matching table.
Jack put sugar on his tea and stirred it uncomfortably. He was revisiting in his mind some details about his seven weeks of living with Renee in New York. "At that bakery in Little Italy, I ordered cheesecake, you looked sick and said you had indigestion…" he stared at her in disbelief, recalling how well she had lied and made up excuses time after time. That was what truly bothered him about everything, her unwillingness to communicate and the lies. "And also that other night, when we were having dinner with Kim and Steve and they ordered single malt Scotch… you looked uncomfortable, but said your new shoes were hurting you… and then when I…"
"Yes, I was lying. It was all about Vladimir" Renee cut him off, hissing annoyed. Then she looked away sadly as her hands cupped the hot tea mug, feeling warmer. Her stare was fixated in the little steam coming from the dark green liquid. She softly attempted to somewhat explain herself. "The thing is… Larry's death triggered something inside me… Uh, Vladimir started haunting my thoughts again… every little reminder upset me more than ever" Then her tone was loaded with anger and bitterness. "I couldn't stand that bastards like Vladimir and Wilson were alive, while good people like Larry and Bill were not… and you were sick, you were about to…" she trailed off. She didn't have to say it. Jack knew too well. So she got to her main point. Her demeanor was then calm, but sad and defeated. "I realized that instead of making justice, I was just witnessing a hell lot of injustice, helplessly… I just couldn't bear with that anymore".
Jack had realized she had felt that way long before. But it was the first time he ever heard her admitting it out loud. It was good that she was finally saying that out loud, although, his heart ached badly for her. "Renee, you could have talked to me about that. I understand how it feels like when you have to sit and watch some of the most horrible people on earth get away with their crimes. We have both been there". And what if, God forbid it, Yuri Suvarov and Novakovich got away easily too? At the moment, that was hardly a possibility. The important thing that she had to understand was that he was on her team. "You can talk to me about how you feel. We went through a lot on our own… and we went through a lot together…"
He still didn't get it. It was exasperating her. "But I'm the only one in this room too traumatized to eat certain things" Jack looked at her like wondering what the hell her point was, as if it weren't obvious. "I was weak. I was ashamed of myself for not being stronger. I didn't want to admit that everything had overpowered me… that I was so damn weak, so broken. I didn't want anybody to know how pathetic I was"
Jack suddenly stood up and nervously paced around. 'I didn't want anybody to know' Unwittingly, Renee had truly hit a nerve with those words. He spun abruptly to face her and snapped brusquely at her, "Damn it, Renee! I'm not just anybody". He instantly regretted his harsh tone. He had to control his temper. The last thing he wanted was for them to fight. Renee looked stunned like she was just hit with an anvil. He took a seat frustrated as his elbow rested on the table and his head on one hand. He then took a sip of the tea and, after a deep breath, made his point serenely. "You know what this is really about? You know what I resent? I resent that, even now, after everything we've been through together… you still feel you need to hide things from me. You won't tell me things… it hurts me how you just keep shutting me out… like you'd do with anybody"
"I'm not shutting you out" Renee objected as strongly as she could with a haunted expression. But she was beginning to see what his real problem was. Her sad eyes looked at him desperately seeking for understanding. "But, Jack, you can't expect to already know absolutely everything about me … every single detail, every nightmare, every scar and every thought…"
"That's not what I expect" He cut her off instantly, correcting her with a somber tone. "I'm trying to make this relationship work. And I want us to talk about what matters"
"No, Jack…" Renee shook her head very stubbornly and sadly, thinking he was being unreasonable. "You want all the information and intimacy people get after spending a lifetime together. And, for the record, you already know me better than anybody else ever did…"
"Even Leo?" He spitted bitterly and full of sarcasm, sure he had caught her there.
Renee stared at him with a mixture of dread and profound disbelief. "Oh, God… tell me this isn't all about Leo knowing about the cheesecake thing…"
"You know damn well it is not about that" Jack snapped in a sharp no-nonsense tone. It was about something much more vital for him. "It's about you choosing him as you confidant over me"
"That's ridiculous" Renee protested a bit weakly. "Yes, he knows some things you don't. But that's only because he was in charge of my first mission. I didn't even know you then. He is the only one who was there at the time. So, he is my confidant, my closest friend. But so are you, Jack" Then she reached to take his hand and moved a bit closer to him for emphasis. "You have to believe me. You're my confidant and the man I love in every imaginable way".
"Am I?" Jack removed his hand from hers, unwilling to give in so easily. He stood up and began pacing around the kitchen again. "Then how come you shipped me off to California and moved in here… with him?"
Renee's expression darkened. She already knew Jack was aware that Leo had lived with her, since Leo had secretly warned her. But she couldn't believe that made him so jealous. She stood up and approached him while stating with a severe voice, "He slept in the guest you, and you know that. You know me. I told you I haven't been with anybody else since… that day. You know Leo living here did not involve sex, at all".
"Of course I know that" Jack automatically assured her. He was very frustrated since Renee didn't seem to get why it was problem, even without sex. "It was about having safety, friendly comfort and support"
"And what was I supposed to do, Jack?" Renee stepped back, even more confused. "They wanted to kill him…"
"I meant comfort for you" Jack interrupted her quickly, correcting her. He shook his head and huffed in disbelief. "He was protecting you. He was here for you". He couldn't conceal the pain he felt while saying that. "Wasn't he?" Before Renee could reply, he lifted his hand, indicating that he wasn't done talking. "And, yes… he told me he had to live here because they wanted to kill him and had nowhere else to go. But I think he purposely chose to stay near you" As he walked towards her, she backed down looking trapped and sat on the kitchen bench. Jack kept pushing his case. "Why not leave the country, hide anywhere else? He could have become acting director of any other FBI office. Why DC.? He wanted to stay with you. You two wanted to stay close to each other"
Renee nervously scratched the side of her left arm. She couldn't deny that much. She just tried to explain it to Jack in terms that he could comprehend. "You've got to understand something, Jack. Leo never forgave himself for everything Vladimir did to me. And he couldn't do a lot for me after pulling me out of the first mission. He had to stay undercover. So, after everything went so badly in New York the second time and his mission was over… he took the opportunity to really be there for me, to be a friend. I was so devastated. And I knew how badly he needed to help me… It was good for him being here…"
"I don't give a damn about him!" Jack snapped abruptly. Renee's explanation only infuriated him even more. "It should have been me here. I needed to be here for you too… and you didn't care about me!"
Renee felt brutally slapped. How could he think that? Her pale blue eyes were sparkling with unshed tears. She still managed to stand up and speak with a categorical tone. "All I have ever done is caring about you. I wanted more than anything to be in your arms and just let you make it all better. But being around me caused you nothing but pain" Jack showed no reaction to that, which only made her angrier, and she snapped at him, "God, Jack, you almost died because of me at least six times in one frigging day" She still found that terrifying as well as bizarre. Yet, he didn't seem to mind at all. It was like dealing with an unreasonable child. "Do you even know how close you came to dying because of me?" She was on a roll trying to make her case. "If the bullet had hit five inches higher or we had arrived to the hospital just a few seconds later you would have died and it would have been my fault. But you didn't die. So I wanted you to take the chance to be happy with your family, living your life. I stepped aside so you could have your life back. I didn't want to drag you into my mess… I wanted you to be happy…"
Jack's heart actually ached badly as he saw one tear falling from her eye. He couldn't even stay mad at her. He just felt a very deep sadness. He understood too well what Renee was talking about, he could relate to her pain and her guilt. But now that he was the one receiving the 'I love you, so I have to leave you for your own good' speech, he realized how screwed up that reasoning was. He felt so frustrated. He loved Renee fiercely, but she seemed to be missing his whole point. She was failing to understand how she had been wrong. How could they work on it if she didn't get it? He softened and tried to explain the reason for her frustration. First, he admitted whispering softly, "Well, I wasn't happy. I couldn't be" Then he got closer to her and spoke in a more severe tone. "It wasn't just your mess. What happens to you happens to me… it happens to us. Don't you get that?" He desperately searched in her features and eyes any sign of understanding. Renee nodded weakly not daring to look at him. His voice was almost breaking while he kept making his point. "All the terrible things that happened that day happened to us. We should have dealt with all that together. When I was back in LA without you, it felt wrong. It felt wrong that I wasn't by your side. I should have been here, with you" He swallowed and took a deep breath. Knowing very well his next point would be unwelcomed, but he had to make it. It was, to him, the biggest reason why Renee shouldn't have just tossed him away, the reason that made her abandonment even more painful. "We almost had a baby together and you just left me" Renee's back automatically straightened in tension. Jack's pale green eyes were sparkling with tears he tried to restrain. Predictably, she turned around to avoid facing him. But he kept saying what she needed to hear, regardless. "The baby you lost was mine too… and you wouldn't even let me be here for you" Renee didn't want to talk about it, but he couldn't hide how badly that stung him anymore. "That was my baby. I should have been here with you instead of that guy… Being here was my responsibility"
Renee had kept her arms tightly around herself, feeling like she was being stabbed repeatedly in the guts. She was close to breaking down. Jack's last words felt like a punch on her stomach taking all the air out of her lungs. Yet, she gathered the strength to face him. As excruciating as it was to recognize the truth, she burped out coldly, "It never got to become anybody's baby. You got off the hook".
As she walked away from him as fast as possible, Jack could only stare at her with a shocked expression. For a moment, he was too stunned and hurt to even move. He could plainly see the deep wound in her soul even through her icy façade. How could she think that loss made him feel 'off the hook' or gave him any sort of relief? Snapping out his daze, he quickly went after her. She was in the living room, standing with her arms folded across her chest and her back against the wall. "Please, Renee, listen…" All he got was a cold glare, but at least she was listening. "I didn't mean… What I tried to say is that you're the woman I love and it was our loss" She shook her head, begging him with her eyes to stop. But he didn't. She needed to hear what he had to say. "I really wanted to be here for you then and I'm glad I am here now. I just want you to really let me be here" He got a bit closer to her and held her hand, which she allowed. "You know what I mean? Around me, you don't have to act like it never happened, like you feel nothing".
She automatically removed her hand from his. She took a few steps away from him and with her back at him she ran her fingers through her hair feeling lost and incredibly pained. It was his fault. He kept just talking about it. She abruptly turned around to faced and snapped loudly full of outrage, "And how the hell should I act then?" She shook her head as all her confusion and helplessness showed on her features. "I should be 30 weeks and 2 days pregnant but I'm not. What's the proper way to grieve over that?" She nailed her gaze on Jack's daringly, knowing very well he didn't have an answer, since there was none. Jack then looked away seeming completely helpless and lost. She felt so close to breaking down again. "Jack, this is the one thing… the one thing… I can't even…" Renee instinctively took her hand to her abdomen. She couldn't form the words to explain how she felt. It was her biggest weakness and the way karma had made her paid for her sins. Finally, she managed to state somewhat firmly, "God knows it nearly killed me. And no matter what else goes right, that's one thing that's gone forever". A lonesome tear fell from her eye and she harshly wiped it off with her palm. "That's something I'll never get back. I have to accept it. I'm trying to live with that. I don't have a choice… I don't". Then she crumbled down completely in sobs.
In a heartbeat, Jack rushed to hold her. Predictably, Renee shook her head and made a weak attempt to fight the embrace. But soon she cave in and cried burying her face in his chest. He tightened the embrace and rubbed her back. "It's okay" he whispered trying to comfort her while she kept sobbing and her body trembled. As she kept crying, he helped her to sit down in the pine couch. He sat right next to her and kept holding her. He was horrified by the mess he had caused by bringing up such a painful topic. He had felt they needed to talk about it, but now he couldn't feel more like crap. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you went through that alone. I'm so sorry I made you cry" He swallowed and added with a barely audible whisper, "I'm truly sorry that it's gone". It was the first time he ever got to say that out loud. Before he knew it, a few tears fell from his eyes as well. When Renee finally stopped crying, he gently lifted her chin to meet her eyes. He caressed her cheek and gently brushed away with his fingers some soft black stains from her ruined make up. "I needed you to know you are not alone anymore. You've got me, okay? I'll be here".
Renee looked into his eyes. She realized that he had been right all along. When wasn't he? Allowing herself to cry in his arms had done her good, even though she didn't want to repeat it soon. Frankly, she should have never pushed him away. She should have held on to him. But now it didn't matter, because she was willing to change and let him really be there. "Jack" She lovingly ran her fingers through his hair and corrected him, "We will be here"
He gave her a small smile of relief, which then changed to an expression of remorse, "Renee, I owe you an apology. I said you sent me to California. But I'm the one who left you alone. It was my fault. I'm so sorry"
Renee blinked quickly, thinking he was nuts. "What? No… I ran away from us. Now I see it was wrong. I'm sorry"
"Please, don't be" He whispered softly and placed lovingly a lock of auburn hair behind her ear. "I should have never let that happen. I should have fought harder for us" Then he looked down and away huffing, feeling frustrated with himself. "But I didn't because I thought I was hurting you… I thought I was bad for you… and then I put all the blame on you… but I should have never let you come here without me. I'm sorry".
"Okay, so, we were both wrong" Renee accepted with a 'Why does it matter?' tone and expression. To her, the only important thing at the moment was that they could change that. "But we can make it right"
He stared at her with confusion. "I thought we were doing that right now"
"Yeah" she was actually thinking of something that could make things better. She was simply nervous about making the suggestion. "But, I meant… uh, Jack, we had agreed to live together before things went wrong" He was starting to see where she was going. Since Jack had been upset over her intimacy issues and how she had pushed him away, living together seemed like the best way to solve what was wrong in their relationship. She was more than happy to hold on to what was right in her life. "Well… Let's do it now. You could move in here"
Jack just couldn't believe Renee was actually suggesting that. "You… you want that?"
"Yes, I really do" She confirmed, not leaving room for any doubt. "I know it seems sudden, but we both wanted to do it when it was even more sudden. And why waste time anyway?" She reasoned feeling she was pointing out the obvious, both of them knew too well how short and frail life was. Then she added with her most sensible voice, "Besides, you can't live in a hotel forever. It's not practical. And why would you bother buying your own place if you don't need to? I even have room here for your family to visit… They wouldn't need to stay at a hotel…"
"Renee… Hold on" Jack interrupted her, feeling slightly overwhelmed by her exposition of facts that were true, but so not the reasons why he was thinking about accepting her offer, and definitely not the reasons why she should ask him to move in with her. "You're asking me to move in with you. And you're sounding like… like you're trying to sell the President a plan to reduce taxes" Renee looked down and bit her lower lip with a bit of embarrassment. He took her hand and caressed her cheek sweetly. "Sweetheart, I want us to build a life together now more than ever. But tell me how you really feel…" He still remained a little bit skeptical. He couldn't help it. Renee had made a lot of promises before. "Why do you really want me to move in here? Are you just trying to prove something?"
"It's not about proving anything" she protested firmly. A part of her wanted to prove her commitment was real, that he could count on her. However, that wasn't why she wanted to live with him. At the end, it all came down to embracing tightly what could make her happy. She held both of his hands, and a bit timidly gave him a very candid answer. "I want to share my entire life with you. I may not be ready to talk about everything right now, but I want you to be there whenever I am. You know? No matter what's going on in my life, I find myself missing you". She shrugged resignedly like saying 'I'm helpless'. "I missed your way to hold me when I felt really sad. But I also missed you when I had a good day. I wanted to tell you about the first time I stepped into my new office, or the situation room, or the Air Force One. I missed looking at you. I missed the sound of your voice. I missed your eyes…" Then she locked her eyes into his aquamarine-green ones. Jack's mouth curbed up slightly forming a small grin but he looked down and away, trying to act modest. It made a tiny smile creep into Renee's features. Then she caressed softly his cheek with the back of her hand as she added the most important part, "And your unique way of making me feel perfect, even on my worst days". She squeezed her shoulders and concluded firmly, "I want all that. I want you here, every day". Then she bit her lower lip and looked down, fearing she was pressuring him too much too soon. "Of course, if you think is too soon… I'll unders…"
Before she could finish taking, Jack cupped her cheeks with his hands and plant a kiss on her lips. He was so extremely moved by what she had said. She had given him the kind of commitment he needed. He pulled away slightly and his eyes fixated on hers, too overwhelmed by emotions. "Sweetheart, I want more than anything to see your face every morning and hold you every night… I want to be the guy who knows your neighbors… the guy who knows what things make you sick. I want you to be the person I go home with at the end of the day. I want to make a home with you. I don't want to wait anymore for that"
Renee put a hand on the back of his head and pulled him closer to kiss him with a hunger that was consuming. She needed to get really lost in him. "Take me to our bedroom" she suggested whispering as she got up from the velvet couch. Then she held his hands as Jack stood up and leaned forward to kiss her. She caressed his tongue with hers eagerly and held on to his back as if it were a life boat.
Without much warning, he positioned one arm behind her knees, kept one around her upper body and effortlessly scooped her small body up into his arms. Renee gasped, pleasantly surprised, and held on to him as he carried her upstairs. She kicked off her black Manolo Blahnik shoes. Then she buried her face on her shoulder and smelled the sweet scence on his shirt. He was using that Ralph Lauren cologne she adored so much for him. When they reached the door of the master bedroom, Renee stretched one arm and clumsily opened it. Jack placed her over the bed. As hastily as they could, they swept to the floor the five decorative pillows on top of the bed. Then, they sent the terracotta-colored covers and the pale green sheets to the bottom of the bed. Once settled, he kissed her, unzipped burgundy-red sheath dress, took it off and tossed it to the floor. Before he could do anything else, Renee took control pushing him against the bed, removed his sneakers, his jeans and unbuttoned his shirt, kissing his chest while undressing him. After that he removed her pantyhose and began massaging and kissing her legs.
The bedroom was all dark except for the yellow light coming from the lamp over the nightstand on the right and the electrical fireplace. Once they were finished making love, they just laid under the sheets and covers enjoying each other's proximity. They rolled over to lie on their sides and be face to face. Jack had only one burning concern left on his mind. "Sweetheart, can you promise me one thing?"
She was curious and open to hear what he needed from her. "Yeah?"
With one arm around her, he ran his fingers through her hair and back, as he expressed his request "That we are going to really build a life together. And it's gonna be our life. Promise me that you'll never think anything is your mess again… what happens to you, happens to me"
"I promise, Jack". Renee smiled relieved that it was something she really wanted to do. She leaned forward and kissed him showing all the determination she felt. She never wanted to be apart from him again. Then she softly voiced a concern of her own, "I really want to make you happy"
It was so obvious how she could do that. Jack gave her a tender smile as he said it. "Sweetheart, all you'll ever have to do to make me happy is letting me take you home at the end of the day"
She nodded solemnly promising she'd do that and kissed him melting in him again. Renee was aware of the fact that she could never get her old life back. Neither could Jack. Too much blood had been shed. Far too many losses had changed both of them forever. Their deepest wounds had left scars that wouldn't fade. They would never be the same people they had been before violence, tragedy and hatred began dominating their lives. But they had now a chance to build a new life together. A life that would definitely include just what they needed to be happy… love, security, joy and a person to go home with at the end of the day, even if things got too messy.
TO BE CONTINUED…
(Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it! Please, now I wanna know what you really-really think!)