Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all.
Light, Matt, Mello, and Near all sat staring at the raven-haired man who had called the meeting.
"Thank you all for coming here today. I have the results of some very important research I've been conducting in my spare time, and it concerns all of you. Now I know that some of you-"
"Get on with it already, will you?!" Mello yelled at L. "Just tell us why we all had to be here. Matt's pissed you made him stop playing World of Warcraft."
Near cast a suspicious glance at the redhead, who was furiously punching buttons on his DS, oblivious to the conversation going on about him. "Are you sure you're not projecting your own feelings on Matt, Mello?"
"No it's definetly Matt who's pissed off."
L cleared his throat loudly. "May I continue? Good. Now I've gathered you here to warn you about a threat to our general health and well-being. This threat is growing every day as more and more people write fanfiction. This threat… is called the Mary-Sue."
There was silence following L's statement. L continued.
"The Mary-Sue will enter our lives suddenly, almost as if she never existed in the original series at all! And she will always be a stereotype, no matter how much the author claims she isn't. She'll typically be a girlfriend/fiancée/sister that you never knew you had. The havoc they can wreak will be cataclysmic! The entire Death Note universe will be thrown out of whack!"
Now the four boys were listening intently, horror on their faces.
"Even worse, the Mary-Sue will often be the cause of massive OOC-ness on our parts. None of us can possibly be canon with her around. Now the people at greatest risk for Mary-Sue attacks are people with the least defined past. That would be me, Matt, Mello, and Near. I am the most likely candidate for a secret fiancée Mary-Sue, as I'm the oldest. But Matt also seems to be a popular target."
"B-but," Mello stuttered. "That's my Matty."
"The Mary-Sue has no regard for existing friendships."
"This is horrible!" Light said. "What can we do about this?"
"That's where my research comes in!" L replied. "I have developed this anti-Mary-Sue spray. I've already sprayed the doorways and windows of this building, so we should all be safe as long as we stay put."
All the men breathed a sigh of relief.
"Hey Light!" a male voice spoke up from behind them. They all turned slowly to look at the impossibly handsome man. "I'm your long-lost cousin/brother. I'm also the secret lover you've been hiding from everyone during the series, but now in this fanfiction I've magically appeared with a ready back-story!"
"Oh god," L whispered. "I forgot about the Gary-Stus!"
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