I had one particular in this chapter in my mind for ages and I'm happy that I'm finally able to share it with you guys so relatively quickly. And now enjoy. :)

The first thing that hit you was the worried gaze of a boy who had instantly noticed your inner turmoil. Well honestly, that wasn't an immensely difficult task – keeping in mind that cold beads of sweat had formed on your forehead and slowly pushed their way towards your wide open eyes.

Your figure reminded him of a deer he had seen once in his younger years which had immediately fled from him after he had moved just one muscle. This had been his first encounter with a wild animal and he secretly enjoyed to think back to it.

After all, he was the only who had seen your face that angst-ridden lately. That one time he probably saved your life. However, this blonde giant was wrapped up in a fight with Annie, unable to help you out yet again.

Even though your mind told you to get the hell out of there, running away was utterly out of reach. You didn't want to run off either. The times of helplessness had to stop right then and there. You'd rather let yourself get ripped apart by three titans simultaneously than make a pansy out of yourself.

At this point you didn't even care in which suspicious way Jean looked at you. Not even he had missed the sudden change in your face.

"Lina? Hello-o? What the heck is wrong with you now?" he was wondering, roaring with confusion. Long since he had placed one palm on his hip – a posture you've always found weirdly feminine. One thing was for sure: It wasn't particularly imposing or helpful in any way.

Your toes nervously bobbed up and down so that you repeatedly felt the ice-cold metal of your steel-capped boots. However, this behaviour wasn't what made your opposite's blood boil – it was you ignoring his question completely, without any reaction whatsoever.

I... I won't back down. What's he supposed to do, anyway? … I'm stronger. Stronger than ever.

Somehow your panic seemed to vanish gradually – until it was noticeable anymore. Instead, a new feeling flooded your body. A power which made your muscles tingle as if every single cell had been electrified.

A sensation of excitement sent shivers down your spine, yet it felt incredibly ecstatic. Full of redefined energy, you were finally ready to meet him again.

Schröder...

Something seemed to move in front of your eyes, thus pulling you out of your trance. The copper-haired blonde, who had silently persevered for quite a lot of time now, leaned aside with curiosity about who was standing behind you.

Was Jean staring directly into Schröder's eyes? Those empty, frigid eyes? In this very moment? Those were the questions you were asking yourself.

His expression caused you to assume that Jean wasn't able to connect your reaction to the person behind you. How could he?, you thought. After all, Jean was the most emotionally immature person you have ever met.

When you don't take humanity's last hope into consideration... Levi, the one-man army whose hair is as dark as his soul. If he even has something like that, crossed your mind as you pondered about other emotionally unstable people. Quickly, you shook this trail of thought out of your mind.

You noticed how Jean opened his mouth, it was like slow motion. You couldn't keep your head from shaking and the picture of the one in front of you wavered from side to side. You timidly thought, Noo, he's going to say something, oh god, he's going to say something stupid. I have to stop him – he must not know what happened. But damn, it's too late now.

Promptly, you clenched your eyes shut and your facial muscles felt as hard as a rock. You'd love nothing more that doing the same with your ears, yet your arms didn't want to obey your orders. So they kept hanging down from your shoulders as you weren't able to shut yourself off from the world.

The pressure and tension in your face and eyes grew larger. A huge black wall emerged in front of your minds eye on which bright spots and wild shapes appeared. Similar to the night sky with its uncountable amount of stars but in every colour humanly imaginable. They drew surreal figures which couldn't be described with words from your vocabulary.

...

"What the hell was that again?" Jean asked past you, confused.

A buzzing filled your head, outperforming every noise in volume and intensity. Nothing could reach your conciousness. Nothing at all. Not even a gentle pat on the back you just received.

Until your eyes shot open with a powerful, jerky gasp for breath and blazingly bright sunbeams blinded you briefly. Yet it didn't take long for you to recognise Jean who kept on looking past you.

"… .. uh, what?" you stammered. Your feet seemed to move on their own. Against any of your instincts, your inner voice and those burning goosebumps which worked their way down your spine, you turned around.

The only thing you desired was running away as your mind fought your body. You were no coward. No scaredy-cat. That's what you thought.

In this moment you realised that all the times you had convinced yourself that you're strong, you had lied. It snapped – you hadn't changed a bit. Just as the hate you perceived when you thought about these people didn't abate.

You felt a well-known, tingly sensation in your stomach. While you desperately thought, No no, not again! another vigorously suppressed memory came rushing back into your mind...

You didn't know where you were or which year it was. You were barely even aware that you're you. As if everything was enclosed by a impenetrable veil.

You couldn't move your arms or legs as if your joints were made of ice. Your legs felt numb and cool yet you sensed yourself sitting on a firm chair. A searingly frosty draught stroked your lower arms, it made you look down. Terrified, you recognised dozens of tiny sore spots on it. You would've jumped up if your limbs weren't bound to that wooden chair

Your eyes burned tremendously, just as when you look into an open fire for hours on end. Albeit the fog in your vision was slowly fading away, it continued to be a challenge for your senses to make out what was going on. The fact that the room was pitch-black didn't help either.

Several silhouettes emerged from the dark, only now you realised how heavy your arm felt and with every exhalation a squeezed rasp left your body. Your mouth was bone-dry, your windpipe corded itself up.

Icy beads of sweat bathed your entire body surface; they flowed down your arms, legs and face. Barely one spot wasn't cloaked by this aura of fear. A salty, wet sensation spread out on your tongue. You figured some sweat had somehow fought itself through your clenched lips.

Without any warning, you suddenly felt a sharp sting in your arm. Your gaze flashed over to the source – you simply saw a huge syringe stuck in your arm. Your exhausted body was the only thing that kept you from screaming.

You watched in awe as a clear liquid was carefully pushed into your bloodstream. The veins alongside your arms and neck became visible. You couldn't stand watching it anymore. What was going on? You asked yourself agonizingly over and over again. You raised your view, looking directly into a face.

You believed to recognise a woman. Yes, definitely a woman. Slightly rectangular glasses became hardly visible. Behind those there was a pair of curious, widely opened eyes. Auburn strands of hair covered her forehead ever so slightly. Even though her eyes sparkled with excitement you thought to also see a touch of uneasiness. Or was it remorse?

"I'm sorry," she stated with a surprisingly calm voice, "but this is one of the few opportunities to learn more about the titans. Don't worry, everything will be alright. I promise." She carefully pulled the syringe out of your throbbing arm.

Suddenly, fear took over.

What was she sorry about? What kind of serum had that been and was now spreading out? Your breathing became faster, louder, more ponderous. The gnashing sound of your teeth echoed through the room, it was so elusively loud that even the last rat in its smallest hideout was able to here it.

Yet in a flash, all panic was forgotten. It had entered you like an electric shock, paralysing every muscle and every nerve. You felt... fine. Liberated even. Your body had never sensed this light. Now, it seemed like a beautiful dream. Your face even showed a careless smile.

Your mind was relaxed to the core, not one plausible thought went through your head. Not even a spark of scepticism sprang up from this fire of relaxation.

Your nape felt comfy and warm which made your head tilt forwards, but you didn't care at all. You heard a muffled voice; that woman's voice.

"Again, completely normal reaction," she sighed, "Looks like she's human after all."

…

Some time had passed. How much? I could've been seconds, minutes, moments. Utterly irrelevant. You had lost your sense of time.

Feet felt as heavy as lead. In contrast to a gentle breeze which ruffled your hair. Cautiously, you opened your eyes. You weren't quite sure what just happened. What ever it was, it certainly was quite weird.

Damn, this is only getting worse by the day.. Am I going crazy or what?! I gotta do something or the others will notice that something's wrong with me. If they haven't already..

You found yourself in a situation you had feared.

The cadet in front of you, who you knew just too well, stared at you for a few seconds. Thoroughly unpleasant seconds.

You weren't able to utter a single word, your mouth felt as dry as in the memory you just had re-experienced.

However, your voicelessness didn't hold for the presence of the person in front of you but rather yourself. The cause was your bafflement. Because your opposite wasn't who you thought he would be.

Your words were shaky as you stuttered, "C- Connie?!"

Instantly, the short, hairless boy burst out into boisterous laughter. You expected him to be rolling on the ground and holding his sides, that's how uncontrollable his amusement was. The only thing you did, on the other side, was staring at him with bewilderment.

"Boah.. man... Lina.. HAHAA! You should.. you should really see the look on your face! HAHA!," he shouted, interrupted by various gasps for air, "Shit.. You.. you look as white as... as Jean's ridiculously white teeth! BWAHA!"

"Hey!" the insulted called out from behind.

"It's.. it's just Connie," you mumbled barely loud enough to be heard through his laughter.

Some time past until Connie finally calmed down and wiped a tear off of his eye. What he only now understood was the fact that you had been silently staring at him the whole time. A simple pair of confused, dull eyes. Without sharing a laugh.

Jean remained behind your back, observing. Though this wasn't usually his style, he decided to wait for what would happen. Because different from Connie, he knew how you tended to react to joke on your expense.

Slowly, even the undersized boy got that something wasn't quite right. He nervously waved his hands around, trying to explain himself until you were fully concious again.

"Hey Lina. What's wro-"

"WHAT the HECK was that supposed to be?" you yelled at the top of your voice. To the complete surprise of the two cadets around you.

Connie instinctively leaped backwards. "Wow, wow, wow, Lina. Calm down, it was just a joke!", he tried to apologise while his hands moved defensively from side to side through the air.

"Ya, well, too bad it wasn't funny in the slightest!" you kept on shouting.

"What? Is a scary voice enough for you to lose it? Or who did you think I was?"

"I thought you were-" you stopped. No, wait. I can't tell anyone. Who would take me seriously after they found out?

".. it doesn't matter.. Just forget it," you desperately tried to make your voice sound calm

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Connie asked with a raised eyebrow.

You sighed and laid a palm on your forehead. Eyes shut, you tried to explain yourself as collected as possible, "It means that you can forget what I just said. I'm sorry I yelled at you... I shouldn't have done that." With those words you walked past Connie at a leisurely slow pace.

"Hey! Wait up!" you heard after already having walked a few steps. You decided to ignore it entirely. What you weren't able to see was Jean who held Connie at his collar, forcing the short one to not be able to run after you.

You firmly followed your straightforward path. Past multiple teams of cadets, shrivelled bushes, trees until the sound of fighting people was minimised by the rising distance.

For fuck's sake! How stupid am I? How could I mix up Connie's wannabe-scary-voice with Schröder's? Pathetic. I can't keep up with all those lies anymore.. arrgh, it's so frustrating!

Your pace decreased as you recognised the soothing sound of a few birds. But it wasn't the only noise you heard. There were footsteps. They became faster and faster, before you could turned around someone had grabbed you by the wrist.

"What the-" you nagged and turned around forcefully. The powerful turn catapulted the hand which cupped your wrist off you. You gasped for air at the sight of the person.

Jean Kirstein stopped in front of you and looked you dead in the eye. His furiously furrowed eyebrows were a definite sign for his disapproval.

"Kirstein, why do you-" you began without any chance of continuing.

"What's the matter with you?" the boy from Trost asked vigorously.

"There's nothing wrong with me. Everything's fine," you tried to counter-attack in a similarly aggressive tone.

"Don't play dumb. I... I won't let you keep on screwing with me!" he roared while gnashing his teeth. He also noticed the soft singing of a few birds, yet this wasn't enough to smother his rage.

You tried to stay with your lie with all might, "I don't know what you're talking about!" But of course you knew what was up.

"Can't you tell the truth just once? Do you.. Do you even care about other people? About Marco?"

"M-Marco?" you repeated with hesitation.

"Yes, Marco! He's always worried sick about you! You won't ever tell anybody even the slightest detail about your life and I slowly believe that everything that has ever come out of your mouth has been a lie," he sighed and clenched his fists, arms were trembling with a mixture of rage and disappointment, "But I also realised something else. Maybe you simply are just a huge egoist."

"Wha-" you whispered with the faintest of breaths, lips trembling heavily. You could believe the words that came out of his mouth.

His anger was unstoppable. Regardless of damage and feelings, he shouted out everything that came to mind, "A cowardly, lying, egoistic girl with gigantic trust issues! " In a sudden, calm voice he added, "Just be honest with me once. Please," talking as slowly as he possibly could.

The realisation hit you like an arrow its target.

He's right.. I didn't care about Marco or the others.. Damn, how could Kirstein get that and not me? I want to tell you guys, I really do. But I will absolutely not put you in danger; I'd rather keep on lying.. But am I strong enough for this?

"Yeah.. you're probably right," you answered softly. While Jean was standing dangerously close to you, the only thing you could do was staring at his furious figure. His amber eyes observed your (eye colour) irises and he caught himself being stunned by their playful patterns. You didn't know what to do; your mind went blank. Jean's disappointment in you practically overflowed to your own body. You had rarely felt that way – somehow this boy's words had reached you.

The previously razor-sharp picture of Jean turned blurry, you felt your eyes burning and your cheeks becoming moist and cold. Your mouth made some unrecognisable sobbing noises which you tried to cover with a hand. You couldn't stand looking him in the eyes like that, your gaze flashed downwards.

Tears dropped down onto the lushly green grass. You counted them silently: One, two.. six.. Your trembling grew with the numbers.

At this sight, the face of your opposite changed promptly. With a wide open mouth he gazed at a quivering figure which desperately tried to stay strong. It was nothing like the reaction he had expected. His face was dipped into a delicate light-red and his eyes widened in shock.

"Lina, are.. are you crying?" he asked hesitantly, since he couldn't think of something more intelligent.

"Wh- what does it look like?" you sobbed almost unhearably. You refused to look up to the tall soldier. To show yourself like that in front of Jean Kirstein, him of all people, had been unthought of. To be honest, you would have felt embarrassed in front of basically anyone. But did it really have to be him?

"Oh crap, no.. could you please stop crying? I didn't mean it like that, okay?!" he tried to somehow solve the situation with a shaky voice.

"Idiot.. Don't fool me. You're bragging about how you're being honest all the time. You always say how much of a realist you are.. But anyway, that's not even it."

"And what is it?" he kept digging, unsatisfied. His thirst for knowledge had indulged him yet again.

Being at the verge of blowing your cover, you were completely lost. Why didn't he just let it go? You could feel your heart pumping so vigorously it felt like it was going to explode any second now. This would be the perfect moment to tell it all. To come clean for good. You imagined the euphoria rushing through your body as someone would know the whole truth. The tingling sensation of a pure conscience.

Your mouth started moving on its own, "I.." As Jean curiously raised his eyebrows.

Yet this warm feeling was immediately shot down by a daunting sentiment.

What would happen if Jean knew? Would he behave as always? Or would he start acting as weird as Levi's people have? Would this young cadet be in danger, similar to all the people he would accidentally share his knowledge with?

There were just too many factors, too many risks involved as if you could tell him. Denial was your only choice right now.

As your heart screamed Tell him! and your mind yelled Run away!, you just breathed,".. you won't understand."

"What kind of a blockhead are you?" he responded exasperated.

You completely ignored his question in order to simply concentrate on not crying anymore. You forced yourself to breath in and out so deeply that you had to become calm. Lips kept trembling as you dried your reddened eyes with a sleeve.

Slowly, you raised your head and looked upon Jean, who was standing there with widely outstretched arms. It made his leather jacket stretch intensely, thus, also riding it up a bit.

"Uh, what are you doing?" you asked, obviously startled.

".. You need a hug?" You could see his discomfiture while he pressed out those words. He sheepishly looked aside. He didn't possess any emergency plan for a situation like this.

You instantly contorted your face – not that you had any power over this reaction. All of a sudden, you burst out into a relieving laughter which you were sorry for deeply inside. You quickly covered your mouth and did your best to suppress this overwhelming urge.

Meanwhile, Jean crossed his arms in a strangely annoyed fashion. With his eyes closed, he stood there, waiting for a response through some jumpy laughs.

"I.. I'm so sorry.. I know this is just you being nice, Kirstein but no, thanks," you tried your best to sound as friendly as possible.

He remained in his pose like a statue until his mouth finally opened and he uttered some liberating words, "You're a douche."

"I know," you answered with a sweet but chirpy smile on your lips. Jean opened his eyes again and he couldn't prevent himself from raising a corner of his mouth.

Then, the two of you noticed the silent noise of a bell. Training was over.

And just like that, 10 months had passed...

Once again, you were sitting on your ridiculously stiff loft bed, gazing through a window and admiring the landscape behind the training grounds. A delicate snow blanket had long ago covered every stone and even the shortest grass stalk.

It was nastily early in the morning, the quiet chirping of some last birds penetrated the sparse wooden walls and filled your heart with joy. In your youngest days, you've had taken a weird liking for those feathered creatures which hadn't faded one bit.

The only sound disrupting this peaceful atmosphere was the soft breathing of other girls in the sleeping cot. And Sasha's snoring. Though this counted more as a noise disturbance. Of course she had to sleep in the bed beneath you..

But you had long learnt to enjoy the few serene moments you experienced before everyone else would wake up, too. Which was the case now. As the first beams of light passed through the lightly stained windowpane, Sasha immediately began to grumble over her unbearable hunger.

All the girls were dressed quickly, after one year of training you were able to put on your uniform without thinking about it, and ready to leave for breakfast. Ice-cold gusts of wind hit your faces which was something you would never get used to – and didn't want to get used to. You remembered your homeland never having a harsh climate like that.

Morning routine had already been etched into your heads.

Get up. Get dressed. Go get breakfast. Take food. Sit down. Eat.

That's exactly the spot where you were. You greeted the same faces as every day as you sat down at your table with Connie, Sasha, Christa, Ymir, Jean and Marco. The neighbouring table was, as usual, occupied by Mikasa, Eren and Armin – those three inseparable siblings in arms. Sometimes, you actually envied the team spirit that held them together.

You leant over your bowl which was resting on the table. Filled with something you couldn't define completely and liked to describe is as 'mishmash'. They served this abomination every other day, though it was supposed to provoke hunger, it only provoked disgust.

While the others were already tucking into their 'meals', you sniffed at it.

"What is it, Lina? Don't you want to eat?" Marco threw in with a worried face.

"Over my dead body," you responded nauseated, parallel you had to suppressed your gag reflex.

"Oh stop being such a pansy," Jean laughed at you. He had obviously learnt to enjoy this military food.

"Pansy or not, I don't care. I'd rather drink a jug of seawater!" you countered, certain of victory, as you pushed the sludge-filled bowl away from you.

Jean, who up until now was only focused on his food and talk about joining the military police, paused in order to look at you in confusion. Marco, Connie and Sasha shared his reaction.

"What are you looking at?" you asked similarly confused, though not for the same reason. Not by any stretch of imagination you realised what you might have said to deserve this kind of treatment.

"You would rather drink what? Seawater? What is that supposed to be?" Sasha broke the silence without disregarding the loaf of bread in her grip.

"Water from the sea, duh. A lot of water, with even more salt in it – seawater," you explain as if it was the simplest of all principles. Which it was, normally.

"Wait a second here. Salty water? Does that really exist?" Marco pressed on, "Why would you put something as precious as salt into water?"

Everyone else agreed with a nod.

"Are you kidding me right now?" you laughed louder; this just had to be a joke.

A distinct copper-haired soldier interrupted your amusement, "Kresch, no one here has ever heard of this mysterious 'sea'. I think you are kidding us."

What the hell is he even talking about? I don't get it..

...

Wait. What if.. What if they don't have the sea inside these walls? Yeah, that must be it. Damn, what do I do now?!

As the people around you were patiently waiting for an answer, you began to nervously bite your fingernails. Panic grew inside you as you desperately searched for a plausible answer. Out of nowhere, someone lifesavingly tapped your shoulder. Luckily, a great reason to turn away from those curious pairs of eyes.

The second you averted your gaze from your table, you stared into two beautiful emerald-green eyes. This could only be Eren's. Armin, too, stared at you with an unfamiliarly confused face. This was untypical – normally this plain cadet normally knew everything.

Eren's gaze, however, sparkled with well-known determination.

"L-Lina? Are you talking about the sea?" the blonde boy asked utterly excited. With every second, his eyes seemed to sparkle a little bit stronger.

"I am, Armin..."

"You mean this really big pond which is filled with an inexhaustible amount of water? The one where so much salt is in that it can never be used up? So much that it would make salt basically worthless?" Armin whispered in your direction, unhearable for anyone expect you three.

"That.. That's right, I do. Why?" you answered equally quiet.

"How do you know about that? Where did you learn something about the outer world?" Eren interjected energetic.

"Oh that? Well.. That's my secret," you laughed and stammered with a wink. You turned around again and let the two best friends, who were utterly dissatisfied, behind.

Before I spill anything else it's better to just let them in the dark. But how do they know details about the outer world? That's kinda interesting... Apparently, I'm not the only one with secrets here.

- Jean's view -

"Are you kidding me right now?" she laughed louder than before and turned away from him. As if that wasn't enough, she also began whispering to Jäger.

As the others quickly found a new subject, Jean wouldn't back down.

He cautiously leaned forwards and tried to eavesdrop their talk. Yet he wasn't able to catch more than a few fragments. Something about 'sea' and the... the outer world? Were they really talking about the outer world? Bullshit, this can't be, he convinced himself.

"... my secret," she whispered. Suddenly, she turned around again and Jean adopted his original pose. While he picked at his mush with a rusty fork and noticed Marco's voice in the background, his thoughts only revolved around Lina.

Her secret.. That figures. That's her answer to everything, isn't it? Ah, it makes me sick! I have to know. I'd like to believe her but.. she fooled us long enough. She fooled me long enough.

The day rolled by quickly. Right after breakfast there was a lung-tearing running session and in the afternoon more training with the maneuver gear. Even though you had brushed a tree here and there, you were proud of yourself for getting better like that.

The fact that you had never been able to fly a perfectly straight line like Eren or Marco concerned you a bit; the gear always had a slight left twist. Thus, you constantly had to correct or even countersteer.

Probably my own fault, you deduced..

After a relatively unspectacular dinner, at which you were able to swallow more than a loaf of bread, you strolled to your beds. Everyone was entirely exhausted. The day had been tough and you were dreaming of falling into your bed for the last hours. You were one of the first to leave the food cot.

The same picture of pure exhausting showed itself in the boy's sleep hut. Cadets with pale faces and trembling limbs sat on beds and pulled their heavy boots off of their legs or freed their bodies from various leather belts.

Marco was already done with this procedure, resting quietly in his bed. Jean, on the other hand, sat on the bed next to his best friend's, in full attire.

Astonished, Marco looked over, catching him staring into space. "Jean, what's wrong?" he asked caringly.

"What is she hiding from us?" the copper-blonde responded.

"Who 'she'?"

Jean sighed loudly and stared his opposite straight into his hazel eyes. "Lina, of course! Don't tell me you never noticed she never really told us the truth about anything," his voice became louder with every word. It was more than obvious that the suspense made him absolutely livid.

"Well," Marco started, "I did get that but I'm sure she has a good reason for doing this. Don't you think?"

"I don't care," he hissed and let himself fall onto his back. With palms on the back of his head he stared at the ceiling. "No matter what reason she has, it's not good enough for the game she's playing with us. It just pisses me off how she doesn't trust us after two damn years."

Marco immediately realised what his friend wanted to express. He sat up and tried to defend his other friend, "Jean, I understand how you're feeling. But we can't and shouldn't pressure her more. We have to respect her boundaries."

While Jean was buried in thought, he somehow caught a glimpse of Eren and Armin from the corner of his eye. In a flash, he pushed himself onto his feet. So incoherently, in fact, that Marco leapt backwards with surprise.

"We don't have to do shit," he growled. His narrowed eyes followed Armin's every step. He turned away from Marco and went straight up to the cadets from Shiganshina.

"Wait!" Marco shouted but with little effect.

"Jäger!" the copper-haired yelled, it made the two boys stop. Judging by the look on the blonde's face, he already braced himself for an intense word-fight.

"What do you want?" Eren responded with the least delighted of tones.

As the boy from Trost stood dangerously close to them, he shamelessly looked into Eren's eyes. Not many were able to do so, competing against his piercing gaze. But he had been completely immune to this from the very first day.

Jean swallowed tensely, only rarely he had talked calmly to his rival. With all might he tried to not vent his anger on Eren, "I don't want anything from you," he explain to everyone's surprise.

Jean's gaze drifted towards Eren's best friend. "Armin," he said. Some time went by before he continued his sentence, "I need your help."