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A/N : Hello everyone ! I'm very sorry I hadn't posted in a very long while but real life had been quite overwhelming these last months. Thanks to Dlbn who beta-read this chapter and all my gratitude to you, who is reading this chapter.
Chapter 10: Sixth year, May
It certainly was a good indicator of the burgeoning amiability between us that he didn't shut me out completely after the Shrieking Shack incident. I had debated whether I should interfere. I was still torn over the question when it happened thus taking the matter off my hands. I must confess a feeling of guilt plagued me for weeks.
He had been hinting about it. Of course, he had noticed there was something fishy about the Marauders every full moon since he made it a point to always be aware of their whereabouts— if only to get out of their way. Oh, he was a very fine specimen from Slytherin and would throw a hex or two when he could get away with it. I should mention he was also trying to get them expelled— at any cost. If discovering one of their dirty secrets implied getting in their way and risking drawing their attention to him, so be it. The gleam in his eyes when he talked about it, whispered it in the most allusive and cryptic way, the Slytherin way— devious and dubious, made me uncomfortable. I could have given him all the ammunition he could ever wished for— from Remus condition to their Animagi form. Their prowling of the grounds under the watchful eye of the moon. The Marauders' map, James' invisibility cloak, their use of secret passageways to Hogsmeade. But I couldn't bring myself to it either.
My heart went to Severus and I couldn't condone the Gryffindors' behaviour. But on the other hand, Severus was spying on them, keeping tabs and following them without much interest in what would happen to him. What's more, I like to believe that transforming into Animagi was something we would have done for each other too, Harry, Ron and me. The way Sirius talked about it to us children, the way his face was suddenly lit with happiness— that is something I couldn't take from them willingly. If Severus had experienced it for himself, had known such close friendship, closer than the bond of blood, maybe he would have understood it. No, I couldn't bring myself to deliver him the weapons to the Marauders' downfall.
I had scruples concerning Severus however. I knew Sirius would lead him to Remus and very nearly get him killed. This is something I couldn't accept either. But I also knew James would save him. Not from the fear, the hate, the scars, the casual brush-off and disavowal from the Headmaster nor the ultimate humiliation of owing James a life-debt. If I prevented the event would it have far more reaching consequences than I could anticipate? How much should I intervene while not understanding how the events were entangled and interact together? But could I allow attempted murder? Didn't staying quiet amount to agreement?
I also had no idea when it happened. I doubted it already had from the way Severus talked about the Marauders' "regular suspicious behaviour". I'm afraid I've never given much thought to the question. It had never struck me as pertinent information before. It was of a past long gone, concerning people either dead or distant— in heart with my teacher, in distance with Harry's godfather. Why should I have burdened myself with such knowledge? Now, I seriously wished I had reconsidered. Not that Sirius would have talked about it. As much as he hated our Potion Master— and he had never been shy about proclaiming it, even spurning Harry on and entertaining his derogative attitude, I am still not sure he was particularly proud about this. I don't think he would have divulged any detail, not even any vague hint.
As it was, I couldn't prevent anything. Every full moon, I would look out to the grounds from the window in my dorm but I had no view of the Whomping Willow. I had tried to discourage Severus from pursuing the matter, arguing it could potentially be dangerous. I pleaded that if he was hurt and he had sneaked off after them without notifying anyone, nobody would look for him and help him if need be. Naturally he scoffed. As if anyone had ever looked out for him previously. I had pleaded my case but he wouldn't listen. I found out too late it had come to pass. When he didn't appear in class the morning following one of my vigil, my feet automatically took me to the Infirmary. I didn't ask, he never told. I didn't rub it in, he never admitted I had been right. I just stayed with him that day— class, exams and teachers be damned. I had brought half the library with me and we read in companionable silence until Madam Pomfrey declared him good to go. From then on, he stopped talking about the Marauders. I knew something was weighing on his mind but he had no wish to discuss it with me. The offer still stood and I made sure he knew it. He didn't shut me out. He didn't stop meeting me or working with me. He wasn't meaner or more laconic. But he was different. There was nothing I could do to soothe his soul. One day, maybe I would be able to comfort him. Right then, he was not accessible. I steadfastly remained at his side, not asking for anything, nor taking out any mark of friendship I had offered. He withdrew even more and immersed himself in the future Death-Eaters' circle, drawing what he needed from it. A deep well of sadness engulfed me as I bore witness of how his previously slow descent into this madness quickened. And I was entirely powerless.
It is strange how alike Severus and Harry are. Both would choke on the thought, but I'm well placed to notice the similarities. Both headstrong, with an enormous amount of bravery in store. Both mistreated at home and bereft of parental love. Both Half-Blood. Both insecure in their youth but powerful. Both excessively loyal. Both with a bad reputation and bullied if somewhat differently— because our Potion Teacher did harass Harry, not mentioning the Ministry and Rita Skeeter who dragged his name through the mud. Both shouldering responsibilities far greater than anyone. Both considering each death as a personal failure. Both will be responsible of someone's death when all would be said and done. Both closing off, dwelling on contingencies and brooding. Both unreachable and snapping at those who dared approach. Both acted at least once without taking other perspectives into account and reached an appalling decision with deadly consequences; the Dark Mark of Severus, the death of Sirius for Harry. Both scarred, physically and in their heart.
Severus didn't shut me out. He didn't invite me in either. But what disheartened me the most was the after-effects of Dumbledore's ill-conceived handling of the explosive situation. It hadn't been a mere prank. It was attempted murder. And as much as I agreed with the protection of Remus and his inherent right to magical education, there should have been consequences for Sirius' action. Some retribution. Some punishment even if the whole matter had been covered up. It would have given him a sense of justice. Incomplete and not quite fair but at least he would have been taken into consideration and his word would have been taken seriously. Instead, he had been forcefully asked to keep silent to protect the ones who very nearly killed him. That was a low blow. Why should he have turned to the Order? They never offered him more than shame and disrespect. Why should he expect more? The Death-Eaters saw to it that he was well-cared for. And despite their revolting principles, they had recognized Severus' worth. Because he was a damn good wizard and had he fought for Voldemort til the end, the Order would have perished much sooner. He was a pivotal chess piece and the fact Albus Dumbledore didn't perceive this still astonishes me.
I could do nothing but remain faithful and hope for the best. A best I knew was not going to be. It was depressing.
A/N: Slytherin and future DE = Avery, Mulciber
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