Caught! Chapter 9: Ranger and Hercules save the day.
By Annie
I watch Ranger closely for any reaction. Any little reaction will do. I need to know if I should pack for Siberia or something. It's cold there, I might need extra clothes.
"Babe, your granny is going down. And you. You are going to owe me. Big time owe me. Better start shopping for condoms. And Babe, buy in bulk too, cause you are going to need all of them. And probably take care of your birth control pills, too, cause we'll need that if we run out of the condoms." Oh boy.
"Oh, and some cuffs. And maybe a paddle or two." Ranger eyes glazed over and was that…? Why yes it is, drool. Hehe, guess Batman isn't immune to the lust coma after all. Wow, I don't know whether to be scared or excited. Distraction.
"So Ranger, how are you gonna get Grandma?" I really want to know. I mean, she's already decimated all of the Merry Men. But of course, this is Ranger. He's the Wizard, if any body can do it, he can.
"Like this Babe." Ranger pulls out his cell phone and punches in a number. Who is he calling? SWAT? National Guard? The whole Army? Cause probably, he's gonna need them. "Hello Mrs. Mazur." Oh, he called Grandma. I move closer so that I can hear both sides of the conversation.
"Hello. Who is this?"
"This is Ranger, Ma'am."
"Oh, the bounty hunter with the excellent package. I've been expecting you to call or show up." Uh-oh, I think Grandma still has something up her sleeve.
"I'm sure you have Mrs. Mazur. You know that we still need to take you in." Yikes.
"Call me Edna. I'm willing to negotiate." Those words never mean anything good when Grandma says them. I try to signal to Ranger to tread carefully here, but I don't think he's got his ESP turned on at the moment.
"What do you want?" I shake my head. I think Ranger needs to take a seminar on negotiating tactics. Never ask Grandma what she wants, always offer what you are willing to give first. I mean, come on, this is Grandma we are talking about here.
"Well I'm glad you asked that." Snort, I bet she is. "I want to get a good look at Little Princess." Oh shit.
"Umm, what's Little Princess?" I shake my head again. Poor clueless man. He really needs that seminar.
"Little Princess is that excellent package of course." I never knew Ranger could get that pale. Woah, I think he's gonna pass out. I take the phone from him.
"Grandma, Ranger will have to call you back. We will continue negotiations in a minute." Click. I hang up before she can reply. Yikes, Grandma is one scary lady.
"Ranger? Are you still with me here?" No answer. I smack his cheeks a couple of times and his eyes come back into focus. I think he was having a waking nightmare there for a minute.
"Babe. She named him Little Princess." I try not to laugh, really I do. But really? Little Princess? Giggle snort.
"That's ok Ranger, we can make it part of our negotiation that she can't call him that anymore. We'll get him a new name. A really great name."
"Babe, you can't name my penis Little Princess. He will get a complex." I don't know which is worse, the way he whispered penis or the complex bit. He's making it really hard to keep a straight face here.
"That's ok Ranger, we'll give your penis a really cool name. How about Alvin?" Ranger doesn't even bother to say Babe to this one. Ok then. "What about Sylvester? That's a manly name?" Ranger just shakes his head at me. He can be such a baby sometimes. "Oh I've got it!! Oh this is excellent, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie!!" Am I a genius or what? Hehe.
"Babe? I know he's big, but does he really need three names?" Men.
"No, silly. Your penis is Big Bird, and the other things, the dangly ones, they are Bert and Ernie. A matching pair."
"Babe, you are not naming my bits after a giant yellow bird and a couple of gay muppets."
"Huh, well fine then, you name him." See if he can do any better.
"How about Hammer, or Cyclops, or Hercules. Yeah, Hercules is good. We'll go with that. See he feels better already." I look down. Yup, sure enough Hercules is starting to perk up already.
"But will he still be that happy after Grandma gets a look see?" Hercules doesn't look so perky at this.
"Babe, Hercules is gonna need lots of therapy when this is over. Lots of therapy." Hmmm, this could be interesting.
"Are we talking preppy bubbly cheerleader therapy or innocent Catholic school girl therapy. I'm willing to negotiate. Anything to help Hercules." Ranger leans over and whispers something in my ear. OH BOY. I think I just had an orgasm.
"Better call Grandma back so we can get on to the therapy part." Oh yeaaaaahhhhh.