Chapter 10: unfiXable

A/N: Heyyy guysss, I'm back with a new chapter already, mostly because I already promised one of my readers :" who then pushed me into writing the rest while BLOWING OFF HER OWN BRILLIANT FIC *coughs* RazPaz, I'm serious, go work on HS *coughs*

I spoke to Toothless again.

Add another ten Xs for that.

I agreed to lunch with him.

Another sixty for that.

I hit him with my book bag.

Another two hundred for that.

As I glanced down at the page, I realized I wouldn't be eating anything for a while, at least two days straight.

I added the final X and sat back in my seat with a sigh, before I remembered.

He saw my drawing.

I winced at the memory, adding another two or three.

He complimented it.

This time, I jotted down enough to finish the page, breathed out another sigh, twirling my pencil in between my fingers. I knew I should've been doing my homework, but I found I just didn't have the energy to grab my book bag.

I kept studying the wooden desktop, replaying the whole day in my head, wincing at the worst parts.

After I said 'maybe', Toothless flashed me a smile and gone back to hotly refusing every suggestion Ruffnut and Astrid gave.

They were all still arguing when the lunch bell rang and, when it did, Astrid and Toothless picked up their trays and went to the nearest trashcan.

Ruffnut rolled her eyes as she watched them go. "Sorry about them."

"Oh, they're alright." I shrugged uncomfortably, my face growing hot. I played with the zipper of my backpack, wanting desperately to slip away now but not wanting to be rude about it.

"Where are you off to?" Ruffnut offered me a smile as she shouldered her book bag.

I shrugged without answering and picked up my own book bag, holding it in my hands instead of shouldering it. I'd caused a big enough scene for one day.

I quietly studied the floor, only slightly cleaner than my black sneaker, as I struggled to think of an answer. Right now, I was such a nervous wreck that I couldn't even remember my own name, mentally adding Xs to the sheet. I deserved such punishment when I got home…

The bell rang a second time and I jumped slightly, thanking my lucky stars when Ruffnut looked startled.

"Oh! I gotta go! See you around, Hiccup!" And then she slipped into the crowd and was gone.

"Bye," I whispered. My single word went unheard in the crowd of kids pushing and shoving to get out the door.

I watched Astrid and Toothless pass by me, pushing and shoving each other as well, Astrid playfully punching his shoulder as they chatted.

As I caught sight of their wide grins just before they disappeared into the crowd, I felt a pang in my heart, a pang of loneliness and longing and a deep, throbbing kind of pain. A hope so deep it hurt. A sadness so acute and so utterly ignored for so long.

Even when they were out of sight, that didn't take away the strange kind of pain that haunted me, throbbing through me with such an intensity that it was almost physical.

The tapping of my pen on the desk increased in volume and speed as I thought of it. I had to stay away from those people. Why had they invited me to sit with them, anyway? Did I really look that pathetic sitting by myself, was that it? Did they pity me?

Or were they just as screwed up as I was? Maybe they saw a kindred spirit.

I glanced back down at the Xs sadly. No, that one definitely wasn't it. Nobody was as screwed up as I was. Nobody else was a mistake or at least not as bad of one as I was. No one on this green earth.

I let my pencil slide out of my grasp and onto my notebook, hitting the page of Xs with a soft patter.

I pushed the notebook away from me, the familiar but still unknown pang filling up my chest, like a terrible hole in my heart.

I picked up my pen again, slowly, reluctantly. I didn't have it in me to add another X. I let the pen go again, turning instead to my backpack, where all my homework was kept.

As I pulled out book after book, my stomach growled loudly. I groaned and rested a hand on my head sleepily. I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and pretend today never happened. Yank the covers over my head and scream and cry. Rip up every page of Xs, rip myself up, throw it all away. If only I were in pieces, pieces so small, my father couldn't hit me, so small the kids at school couldn't poke and prod and talk to me.

If only I were broken. Broken means you have some small chance of getting fixed, a tiny little hope.

I had no hope, because I wasn't broken. Something that happens to you in life is what breaks you.

Me, no, I wasn't broken, because I had been born a mistake.

I was unfixable.