Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or the characters therein.
Author's Notes: Thank you to the following who favourite, alerted, reviewed: renabug97, cosanera, SeXtAPoP, PirateIggyJones, VCVersion02, rherhe23, bobness, MissAleatory, crimsonlilly, otaco, Cielo di Vaniglia, Mochirisu, SeafoamPurpleCurtains, maracas, Kyuusoku, GoodnessCoconuts, ZeroLuver567, TheSelfCriticalAuthor, OMGitsgreen, SOUTHERNERS RULEZ, CatchingTomorrow and of course all my anonymous readers.
The following is a typed transcript from Arthur Kirkland's Dictaphone entitled 'Vodka da', which does not translate as anything. The author is unsure as to what transpired in the events dictated below and it appears that several different people took possession of the Dictaphone before it was eventually returned to Arthur.
As before, the author would like to point out that any prejudices real or imaginary are entirely Arthur's own. All dialogue is transcribed as recorded word for word. Words in italics are those uttered by people unknown to the author.
Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Transcript 10 – The Revenge 2, 'Vodka da'
Someone locked the bloody door.
You locked the door, England?
Of course not, how could I? I'm stood in front of you.
Why did you lock us in, England?
I didn't... I bet... France... the craft little bugger...
Hummmmm, I do not like this. Mr Pipe does not like this.
Well, bash the bloody door down then? Okay I will... if you'll just move...
Hummmm
O...oookay, Russia, you don't have to move from the door, that's okay...
You were going to tell me why Erin did not ring me, nyet?
Oh yes, Erin... well...
I try now... I have my little phone...
Noooooooooooo.
(tinny sound of 'Riverdance' is heard)
Wut?
I don't know.
That is Erin's phone, nyet?
Really? No, I don't think so... ah, I know, I have the same ringtone... just a minute...
Hummm, I will try again...
No wait... she lent me her phone. I forgot...
You have Erin's phone? That is why she did not ring me?
Yes it must be... I forgot all about it...
I do not like you, England.
Well...
Mr Pipe does not like you...
Wait! I had to borrow her phone because she was being bothered... by... France!
Francis was bothering Erin?
Yes! He would not leave her alone so I had to take it ... to give her some peace... yes.
I am going to talk to France and Mr Pipe will also be talking to France...
(sounds of splintering wood)
Bwahahaha! (whispers) Diane! It worked anyway, big Russkie will go and beat up France, thinking that he's got in the way of him and Erin... ha! In your face you garlic-loving...
Who are you talking to, England?
Wah! How did you do that?
I am silent ninja, da?
I... I ... I thought you'd buggered off.
Nyet. Who are you talking to? Who is in your jacket pocket? Who is Diane?
What? I haven't got anyone in my jacket pocket.
Da, here...
NNngggfmmmffh, I say, do you mind, get off...
(sounds of bashing, Dictaphone is obviously being bashed and fumbled about with and there is heavy breathing into the microphone)
Privet, privet... (a loud voice shouts into the microphone – transcriber had to turn the volume down to near zero to avoid having eardrums split)
Russia that's not yours, give it back.
Privet, little person... what is its name? Is it a fairy? Tinkerbell? Da?
Oh dear Lord, its Diane. It's not...
Aw, Diane. He keeps you captive in little box... you will be mine, Diane. I will look after you and free you...
(sounds of bashing)
Noooooo, you'll break it... not the pipe.
Wut?
Russia, you'll kill her... you'll kill the fairy if you break the box...
Oooooh, da. She is like Tinkerbell, da?
Er, yes, why not. She's like Tinkerbell.
But you still have Erin's phone?
Da, I mean yes. I still have Erin's phone... Erm I tell you what, give me Diane back and I will give you Erin's home telephone number.
You would?
Da, I mean, er yes.
Well...
It's 0 28 57557557.
Ooooh, spasiba.
Thank you, I'll take my ... erm Diane back now.
Nyet, she will stay with me for a while. She says she is unhappy and she likes being with me.
She can't bloody... oh okay... right, you know there's really no need to wave that pipe around.
(sounds of fumbling, heavy breathing and whispering) I will take care of you little Diane, you will be safe with me and I will find a way of freeing you, and you will be mine and we can become one, da?
Yes I know Tinkerbell... shut up... just... shut up...
Wut?
Tinkerbell says to look after her sister, but she needs to be handled carefully or she will die.
Ooooh.
Bloody shut the hell up, Tinks. (sounds of whispering) I know, but we might get some security secrets out of this... MI5...
Wut?
Nothing, nothing. Tinkerbell said that you can look after her sister for the rest of the day, but then I will have to have her back or she will die.
Noooooo, little fairy...
Yes, Russia... Shut up, Tinks will you... She has to be fed special fairy food or she will die.
Poor little fairy.
(sounds of fumbling)
But I keep her for the rest of the meeting, da?
Yes, Russia... but you have to look after her and not shout at anyone, because she gets easily scared and the shock will kill her. Apart from France, because he's a big idiot and ...
Little fairy...
Bollocks... shut up Tinks... it's not stupid... It will work...
Come with me, Diane, I will take care of you and I will tell you all about me and my country...
Yes! Hahaha! See, Tinks... M will love me for this. (there are sounds of badly hummed James Bond theme tune which fades out)
You can come with me to the meeting, Diane. This is Mr Pipe, he will not hurt you, Diane. He is my friend. This is Vodka, da? It is my fuel and makes me very strong and very fast when I drink it. And it makes me happy. You can meet my friend Yao and also Toris and Raivis and Eduard. Toris, Raivis and Eduard used to be my friends, they were my little Baltics and I miss them. One day they will be mine again. I do not like Amerika, he is not my friend, he shouts a lot and calls me fat. I am not fat, Diane, I am big-boned.
(sounds of heavy footsteps)
The Vikings are very funny Diane, I like Tino. He used to live with me like my little brother, but he is not my brother. I will tell you all about my family, Diane.
(sounds of someone singing the James Bond theme tune) Russia! You should tell Diane all about your Government and that missile defence system they are making.
It is not very exciting, Diane, little fairies are not interested in such things. I will tell you all about my sisters. Ukraine is very nice and she knits me mittens and scarves and last year she knitted me a sweater with kittens on it. It was pink, pink is my favourite colour...
Gay dude! Hahahaha.
Kolkolkol, excuse me, little one, while I hit Amerika.
Ow, what the hell?
But even when I wear pink, people are still scared of me.
Tell Diane about that new nuclear submarine your government has just launched...
And then there is my sister, Belarus. She scares me a lot, Diane. (whispers) She chases me with knives and once she tied me up and made me take something called Niagara...
Bloody hell, did your sister really give you Viagara?
Hahaha, Russkie dude has to have Viagara to get going...
Kolkolkol...
Oh for God's sake, give me Diane back, Russia, you're scaring her..
Nyet...she likes me...
She's scared...
Ha! Russkie dude is talking to a Dictaphone!
It is not... it is a fairy...
You're delusional... it's a Dictaphone... ow!
You're a fairy... oh shit...
Kolkolkol
Right that's it, Tinkerbell says that Diane has to live in my pocket or she will die...
Nyet... little fairy...
(Dictaphone is switched off)
(Dictaphone is switched on)
Here, Mr America, your head will be okay now. Just try not to touch the bandages.
Thanks, Livonia, Russkie dude nearly took my head off.
Lithuania.
Yes, that's what I said.
(sigh)
I told you not to call him names...
Why the bloody hell did he have a Dictaphone? Is he spying or something?
No... it was mine... he thought it was a fairy.
The guy's a complete dickwipe.
Alfred, shut up. I thought if he had it for a while I could get some state secrets from him.
That guy knows nothing, Arty. I mean do you think the Russkie government would tell him anything?
He's a General in the Russian Army, Alfred, he probably knows more than you... but that's not saying much.
I know, right?
Eh?
Gimme that thing.
(sounds of fumbling)
Is this switched on? Where are the lights? There's no display!
(again, the transcriber had to turn the volume down)
Alfred, it's a Dictaphone, you talk into it.
Helloooooooo... I'm America. The Hero. The bravest, most courageous person to walk the planet. I saved all these asses back in World War Two...
Oh shut up.
It's not working, Arty.
Oh shut up.
Now this is a proper phone.
(tinny sound of Star-Spangled banner)
And mine plays Angry Birds...
It's not a bloody phone!
(tinny sounds of Riverdance)
Woohoo, see it does play music, Arty!
Oh hang on, that's...
Privet! Erin!
No, Russia, I told you... oh dear Lord...
You have Erin's phone, England... why?
I told you earlier... Russia. Dear Lord, you have the memory of a goldfish. France was bothering her...
Da, I will ring her home number... France, I will deal with him later, da?
I can bloody hear him from the next room...
He's a nutcase, Arty.
We'd better get back to the meeting. Thank you, Toris, for bandaging up Alfred.
It is okay, Mr England. A word of advice about Mr Russia, though.
Go on, then.
His memory is very bad and also his concentration is very bad. He has had many blows to the head.
Haha! Big fat commie dude has problems!
Shut up, Alfred. Go on, Lithuania.
You can distract him very easily, but I would not try to get him to beat someone up for you as revenge.
I really don't know what you mean. What a thing to say! I'm shocked you would think that.
Hmmmm.
Dude Arty are you trying to get commie dude to beat someone up?
Of course not!
Haha. I'm back to convene the meeting.
Can we please get on with this? Chancellor Merkel has rung me four times in the last hour asking if we have come to an agreement, nein?
We did, ve, we decided on pasta for dinner.
Pizza, dammit.
Noodles, aru.
Not about the food, about the economic crisis and the next meeting... Mein Gott! You all don't care do you? And where the hell is France?
Good question, Germany, where the bloody hell is that cheese-eating pervert?
Da, Mr Pipe needs to speak to him.
Exactly. Italy, go and find him will you, there's a good lad.
And where is Austria and Hungary? I hope Austria is back soon, we are sharing a taxi back to the airport. I'm not paying for one on my own.
Do you think of anything but your wallet, Switzerland?
Where's the Viking dudes?
I'm here, man.
Yes, Dude Den, but where's Susan and Fin?
Susan? Why the bloody hell? Oh, don't tell me, just don't...
(a door crashes open)
We're here... we've been looking through your bag, England...
Yes 'nd you lied.
... there are no wagon wheels...
Dum dum derrr...
Shut up, Alfred, you're not helping.
I mean, come on. What the hell?
I am not happy. Tell them, Su, how unhappy I am.
M'wife is not happy...
Hahaha! This is brilliant! Sve and Fin are going to kill England! Top dudes!
It's not funny, Denmark.
Actually it is. Kind of.
Alfred! Help me!
(sounds of scrambling, crashes)
Aaaargh!
Aaaargh, G...e...r...m...a...n...y! Vikings! Mr Sweden has a sword! Eeeek!
They are not after you, Feliciano, get off my knee!
Oh so that's bloody alright is it? Sodding hell! Alfred! My dear son... my brother... remember how I brought you up, gave you fish and chips?
Hahaha, Arty! You look really funny!
(sounds of wood splintering)
You cannot run around the table all afternoon, England!
You will feel the edge of m'sword!
Oooooh sodding bloody hell! Aaargh!
Enough! This is not good! Mr Pipe is not happy.
(sudden silence)
Th... th.. thanks, Russia...
Da. Mr Sweden and Mr Finland will sit down and shut up.
You can't tell us what to do, can he Su?
Well...
(sound of metal clanking on wood)
That's my table, dammit...
Mr Sweden and Mr Finland will sit down and be quiet and not scare the little fairy any more, da?
(here the Dictaphone appeared to malfunction as the voice got so loud there was static)
Da? Da?
Erm, I think we'd better sit down.
Arthur's a little fairy!
Hey, it's got, like, really cold!
Hahahaha! Swe and Fin's scared of big Russkie dude!
Denmark, you're a fool.
Hummm, I am not happy. If little fairy has died you will all die with her, da?
Thank you, Mr Russia... little fairy is fine. She's okay. She was just scared. No-one has to die.
Hahahaha... commie dude is in love with Arty and calls him a fairy...
(crash)
Oh shit... my head...
Honhonhon, my leetle ones... have you all had a good lunch, non?
Where the bloody hell have you been?
In ze bedroom waiting for you... but you stood me up, l'Angleterre, non? Why is it so cold in here?
Let me re-bandage your head, Mr America.
Thanks, Latvania.
It's Lithu...oh never mind.
But that was over an hour ago, what were you... oh never mind. Don't tell me.
There was much fun in ze next bedroom... Espana and I were listening... weren't we Antonio?
Erm yes, I think so... si.
Well you're a right pair aren't you?
You are jealous oui? I know, but when you did not arrive and Antonio was walking past...
Si, I was going to the bathroom.
He has a very nice... derriere.
Well, isn't that bloody nice? I don't bloody turn up and you drag any Tom, Dick or Harry into the bedroom... not that I care.
Non, l'Angleterre, not Tom or Dick or Harry it was Antonio...
France!
Oh oui, Monsieur Russia! You wish to... argh!
Mr Pipe and I want to talk to you, da?
Porquoi?
You have kept me from my Erin.
Moi?
Da.
Oh Monsieur, si'l vous plait. Be careful, non, of ze hair, I like my hair...
You will not have a head very soon, France, da?
(whispers) Francis, this is what happens when you mess with my princes...
Oh mon dieu! Leetle 'arry! I only went out with him ... about... let me think... une, deux, trois, quatre... quatre... four times... non?
You little ...
But Erin? Qui est elle? Je ne sais pas son.
You do not know her, nyet?
Nyet, la Russie...
You understand him?
Da, I know some French.
I taught him French when he was leetle, oui.
Haha! We all know what that means! When France teaches you French...
Shut up Den...
Kolkolkol.
Noooo, not Denmark, Russia, it's France you need to hit...
Ah mon ami, Ivan... Vanya... porquoi? Eh? Perhaps Mr Russia I teach you about l'amour and how to woo the ladies, non?
Nooooo.
You would do that, Francis?
Oui, for you, oui... Anyone can be taught the art of l'amour. Even you, little Vanya. But you need to put down that pipe, non?
You bloody French tart... You slippery eel... You will not escape me... I am the master of revenge and I will get you back...
Haha, little Vanya!
Shut up, Den!
But who was in the other bedroom, Big Brother France?
Je ne sais pas, leetle Italy.
Whoever it was should be down here in this meeting. This is ridiculous. Are we going to sort out this financial crisis or not?
Not.
Prob'ly not.
Phew! Well, I feel much better for that... how is everybody?
Elizaveta!
Miss Elizaveta! Where have you been?
Hungary? Honhonhon, you have been a naughty girl, non?
Me? I really don't know what you mean.
But who were you with?
Romano! What a dude!
Ne, it was not me! Dammit, I wish it was...
Nyet, not me, I was with England, in a bedroom with a fairy.
Not in that way, I hasten to add...
Haha! Arthur is a fairy!
Nooo, really? You two? In a room together? Well...
It was you... Lizzy! You bloody well locked us in that room together... I should have known.
Well... I saw you two go in there... you seemed so cute together.
There's something bloody well wrong with you, Lizzy.
You locked me in with England, Hungary?
Now, now, Russia, you need to calm down...
Monsieur la Russie, ladies do not like it if you chase them with a pipe.
I know, but...
Non, ecoutez...
(unintelligible stream of French is heard)
Da, okay.
So... changing the subject who the bloody hell were you messing about with?
It's a secret. You'll have to guess...
(sound of someone humming Mozart Piano Concerto No. 24)
You look very happy, Mr Austria.
Where have you been? We are supposed to be having a conference... vy is everybody disappearing? This is not acceptable.
Calm down, Germany.
Yeah, dude. Chillax, man.
(shouting) I WILL NOT CHILLAX, CHILL OUT, OR OTHERWISE CALM DOWN. NONE OF YOU ARE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. THERE IS A WORLD FINANCIAL CRISIS. THERE IS GOING TO BE...(DEEP BREATH) A ... A... RECESSION... AND NONE OF YOU ARE REMOTELY BOTHERED.
(shouting) Stop bloody shouting.
Luddy, there is a vein throbbing in your head...
You will shut up, Mr Germany, you are frightening the little fairy, da?
WE NEED TO MAKE PLANS OF HOW WE ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS RE... RE... RE...
Just say it, Germany.
Yeah, Dude...
Respectable.
Hungary, you have never been respectable...
Repressed, oui, l'Angleterre.
Bloody shut up, frog.
Revolution, da.
Retard.
Wut?
Retard.
Amerika are you insulting me, nyet?
RECESSION! RECESSION! SIE SIND ALLE NUTZLOS! ICH HASSE DICH.
Luddy, you're frightening me... your face has gone like a tomato.
Si, potato bastard looks like a tomato bastard...
Deutschland, Deutschland über alles...
What the bloody sodding hell...
Luddy, Luddy...your face has gone purple.
Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol...
Russia! No...
(sounds of metal hitting something soft ... then a thud, then crashing and then frantic shouting... Dictaphone is switched off)
Diane, oh thank God... I'm in a hotel in Naples. Germany had to be taken to hospital. He had some sort of aneurysm. And then he started doing a Hitler salute... Dear Lord. Very bad, very bad indeed. Russia just lost it. Germany had to be loaded into an ambulance – he had Russia's faucet pipe wrapped around his head. Russia said he was saving the 'fairy' from a German invasion. I have no idea what he means. The man is completely mad. It's a good job Germany is a Nation, well actually... scrub that...
Anyway, I still have no idea who Hungary was bonking. But at least I know it was her who locked me in that room with Russia. I will bloody well get her back. And France. He got away with it again, the sneaky tart.
(Dictaphone is switched off.)
Author's Notes:
M – as Arthur has already mentioned gathering information for MI5, the author assumes that when Arthur mentions 'M' – he means the boss of MI5 – who is actually only called M in the James Bond films. A further testament to Arthur's increasing mental instability.
Riverdance – a famous song in Ireland
Porquoi – why in French
Qui est elle? - Who is she in French
Je ne sais pas son – I do not know her/him.
Ecoutez – listen in French
SIE SIND ALLE NUTZLOS! ICH HASSE DICH – you are all useless, I hate you. – in German.
Bonking - an English slang term for having sex.