Title: Big Daddy

Author: Sdfreeze

Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight Characters.

This story is SATIRE! It is an alternate Universe where Polygamy is legal and people can choose to live it or not. No religions are named or made fun of in this story. It is a compilation of stereotypes taken to the extreme. If it offends you, please don't read it!

When last published, this story had 39 reviews.

Chapter 10

Chapter: 10

Dysfunction

They were both nervous when they pulled in front of the big house. Edward took Bella's hand and again led her to the front door of the house. The kids came running to say hello and Bella made a mental note to try and learn their names, or at least give them new ones.

Rose and Alice looked at Edward warily before stepping forward to give him a quick kiss. Edward seemed flustered and didn't quite know what to say.

"Did you have a good time?" Alice finally asked.

Edward and Bella looked at each other and Bella giggled and dropped her head. Rose glared, not buying the act at all. She informed Edward of some messages waiting for him on his desk and it was the last anyone saw of him for the day.

"You might want to check out the chart," Rose instructed her. Bella walked to the elaborate display and noticed the cleaning division.

"Um….I don't think that is going to work," she announced.

"Why," the other women said in union.

"Well, I'm not really into cleaning, and since Edward will be helping out now it isn't divided equally."

"Edward will not be cleaning," Rose said with finality.

Bella turned to face both women. "Yes, he will. You better not undo everything I fixed or I will have to be the one to start doing the shopping for meat and dairy."

Both women turned red and stormed from the room. Bella chuckled and looked at the two boys staring at her. "Okay, you are Ozzie," she said to the oldest, "and you are Bono," she announced to the youngest. Both boys got huge smiles on their faces. "Where is Lady Ga Ga?"

"She's taking a nap," answered Bono, showing he was the brighter of the two and Bella had gotten the names right.

"We're going to play a game, it is only a game for us, understand?" Both boys nodded appropriately. "We are going to see who can drink the most glasses of milk today, and the winner gets a sucker."

"But Jax will wet the bed," Ozzie announced.

"I'm Bono," the bed wetter corrected him.

"If you wet the bed you get an extra sucker," Bella said to make them both jump up and down with glee."Starting right…. Now."

Both boys ran to the kitchen yelling for their mom as Bella turned back to the chart to notice it was Rose's turn to sleep with Edward tonight. It made her stomach turn and she was going to have to come up with a plan. She really did hate sleeping alone in that unfamiliar room and since Oz and Bono were guaranteed to pee the bed she would have a long, lonely night.

Dinner was drama free and Bella's setting now matched everyone else's. She was still placed at the far end of the table, directly across from Edward, but no closer to him. Rose and Alice had the two chairs at his sides.

Everyone was quiet and Bella noticed both boys drank three glasses of milk. Lady Ga Ga stared at her through the entire meal and Bella got tired of smiling lovingly at her. She began having visions of poking her in the eye just to get her to blink.

As dessert was being served Bella caught Edward looking at her. She crossed her eyes at him making him laugh and everyone froze to see what was so funny. Rose tossed the brownies onto the table in anger and Edward looked at them, then back at Bella, and they both cracked up laughing and couldn't stop.

"What is so funny?" Rose demanded.

"Nothing, dear," Edward apologized. "We just were laughing at a brownie incident, that's all."

"A brownie incident?" Alice asked in mock interest.

"It really isn't a funny story, it was simply a bake sale where Bella bought some brownies," he tried to diffuse the situation.

"Edward tends to babble over brownies," Bella added baiting him.

"And Bella tends to cry over them," he said taking the bait.

They both cracked up laughing again and Alice began gathering the dishes. "No, honey, I will clear the table," Edward offered.

"Absolutely not," Rose said angrily.

"Yes, I will, and that is final. I need to help out more around here for all the time I am away, and I will be keeping my own room clean from now on, too."

Both women turned to glare at Bella and she only blew Edward a kiss and winked at him. After he cleared the table he escaped into his office again and let the women clean up the dinner mess. It was quiet in the house, too quiet. Bella tried to spend time in her room but it wasn't homey there yet.

She finally snuck downstairs and into Edward's office. He looked up in surprise when the door opened without so much as a knock. He wanted to correct Bella but his arms were dying to hold her, so he let it slide. She sprinted over to him and jumped in his lap.

"I miss you already," she said and surprised herself with how true the sentence was. He tried to respond but she had her tongue half way down his throat before he could form a word. He was getting worked up and just about ready to clear his desk top with one sweep of his hand when a soft knock sounded on the door.

Bella jumped from his lap and climbed under the desk. "Yes," Edward called out bringing Rose into the room.

"Would you like some coffee?" she asked.

"No, it's too close to bed time, but thank you," he added.

Bella began running her tongue up his shin and he smiled at Rose as he put one hand under the desk and tried to shoo Bella away. She grabbed his hand and began sucking on his fingers.

"Are you still going to use the….other chart?" Rose asked him.

"Of course," he answered wishing more than anything he could grab Bella from under the desk and drag her by the hair into his room for the night.

Rose left the room and Edward pushed his chair back to stare at Bella. She smiled at him and climbed out from the cubby hole but remained on her knees. "Since I won't see you for two nights I want to leave you with something to remember me by," she said as she unzipped his pants.

"It's the only way I can keep you from screaming profanity," he laughed, but as the sensation overtook him he let his head drop back and wished he could spend every night in Bella's bed.

At family prayer Edward officially welcomed Bella to the family and instructed the kids to listen to Bella as they would their other two mothers and both boys nodded, as Lady Ga Ga continued with her freaky stare. Bella could see the boys stomachs bloated with milk and mildly hoped they didn't drown in their beds tonight.

"Can mama Bella say the prayer?" Bono asked.

"No," Edward offered a little too quickly, terrified she would be thankful for the opportunity to suck on his dick. "I have been away a long time and would like to pray for my family."

"Shit," Bella thought to herself and readjusted her knees for the long haul.

He went on for so long Bella actually considered pinching Lady Ga Ga to make her cry and put an end to the misery. When he finally said amen Bella almost screamed hallelujah and both boys ran to the bathroom.

Edward put the kids to bed and read them a story while the women retired to their own rooms. Rose made it a point to walk down the hallway in a skimpy see through nightie but Bella wasn't worried. She knew making love to Rose came with a myriad of stipulations and wild and hot were not two of them.

The night was long and Bella was ashamed to admit most of it was spent with her ear pressed against the wall trying to hear any evidence of Edward and Rose getting crazy. It was completely silent until the noise of Rose changing sheets could be heard at 3 am.

Edward was nervous as he entered Rose's room and felt like he was cheating. He berated himself for feeling uncomfortable with the woman he was married to the longest, but the feeling wouldn't go away. She was dressed in a sexy nightie, but she always wore so much damn lotion and night cream. He felt like his hands became greasy every time he touched her breasts.

"You're not even hard, Edward," she chastised him making an erection next to impossible now.

"Can we just hold each other for a bit?" he asked.

"Are you telling me she's made you impotent?"

"No, I'm not saying that," he grabbed her roughly and pulled her hair to bring her face to his.

"Ouch, damn it, take it easy," she complained.

"Don't make me get my belt," he said in jest, but Rose freaked out.

"I am not a child, Edward, and you won't speak to me that way. Just get on your side of the bed and leave me alone."

Edward gladly rolled over and went right to sleep.

Bella never made it up for breakfast and barely arose in time for lunch. She opened her door to find both boys waiting anxiously for their treats. She gave them each two suckers and announced a new game. "Start begging for a barbeque tonight, hamburgers and steaks, if we have one you both get a candy bar."

The boys took off running to find Rose and Alice. Bella made her way to the kitchen to help prepare lunch and was told Edward would be working through lunch and didn't want to be disturbed. Rose was angry about something and slamming doors and dishes around.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked her.

"Nothing," Rose said angrily.

"I think you really need to visit the milkman," Bella said causing Rose to turn furiously towards her. Bella remained calm and opened the refrigerator door to show they were almost out of milk. Rose grabbed her keys and headed out the door.

Bella was guessing things didn't go well with Edward last night and he was hiding in shame as Rose stormed around in frustration.

All throughout lunch the boys begged for a barbeque until Alice finally relented. Bella promised to help out and grabbed a paper to write down what they would need to prepare. Both boys yelled hamburgers and steaks and Lady GaGa yelled 'hotadogs.' She wasn't a total imbecile after all.

The barbeque was actually fun and Edward seemed perfectly calm and enjoyed playing with the kids. Bella showed the boys how to walk on their hands by pulling her dress between her legs and tucking it into the sash around her waist.

"Daddy, daddy, look at mama Bella," the boys yelled.

Edward watched in fascination as Bella walked several steps on her hands with her long legs sticking up in the air. She finally stood upright and fell to the ground in splits with her hands in the air as she yelled, "Ta Da!"

Both boys jumped up and down clapping and laughing as Edward clapped loudly and licked his lips unconsciously.

"Circus freak," Rose muttered causing Edward to give her a disapproving look.

It was time for evening prayers and Edward found Bella relaxing in the bathtub. "You need to hurry, love, it is time to gather."

She smiled at him and motioned for him to sit on the counter. He moved the towel from his way and jumped onto the counter to watch her bathe. She put some body wash on the sponge and began washing intimate parts of her body very slowly, moaning at each pass.

"Bella," Edward warned as he repositioned himself uncomfortably.

"Take your pants off," Bella instructed.

He looked at her trying so hard to be authoritative. "It's not your day, love."

"I'm not going to touch you, you're going to touch yourself," she smiled as she placed her feet on each side of the tub and began touching herself.

Edward watched for a few moments until he couldn't take it any longer. He quickly pulled his pants off and grabbed the tube of lotion from the counter. Bella spurred him on buy telling him in a very detailed way what she was feeling. Their eyes locked as each one panted for every breath, she suddenly arched her back out of the water and screamed through her release sending him over the edge.

He leaned his head on the counter trying to catch his breath before cleaning himself up. Alice knocked on the door so Bella yelled she was just about ready allowing Edward to remain quiet. When he finally made it to the family room he couldn't bring himself to look at Bella for fear the other two women would know exactly what he had just done.

Edward had no energy for Alice that night and left her disappointed and frustrated. She was the one slamming doors the next day until Bella opened the freezer and announced most of the meat had been used for the barbeque and a trip to the butcher would be in order.

Alice grabbed her keys and left as Bella chuckled to herself.