A/N: This is a little short. But a longer chapter is on the way.
I refused to let Steve leaving affect me.
At first.
The first few days I was quite productive. I focused at work. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, well every room except the nursery whose door handle I couldn't bear to even touch. I got caught up on laundry and organized my closet, went and bought groceries and cooked myself dinner each night, even going so far as to try some new recipes.
I felt good.
Almost like my old self, but a new version of me.
And then a week passed with no word from Steve or his return and the worry set in. I thought of all the things that could have happened, the worst being that he had been killed and I was promptly sent into a panic attack. One so bad that I had to take the day off of work to recover and have an emergency appointment with Dr. Warren.
It was how I found myself sitting on her comfortable couch, nervously tapping my foot like it was our first session all over again, while she watched me with calculating eyes.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" She questioned with a hesitant smile.
"I had a panic attack," I shrugged.
"How bad?"
"It wasn't too bad." That was a damn lie. It was dust off my medication, use my inhaler, call into work bad. I hadn't felt a need for medication or my inhaler in over 8 months, not since Dr. Warren had helped me to wean off them.
"You are here for a morning appointment on a work day so I imagine you must have called in meaning it must have been bad. Let's talk through it?"
I sucked in a heavy breath. It was what I had come for so I had no idea why I felt so apprehensive. Dr. Warren had talked me through tougher situations than this. "I had to take my medication and use my inhaler. The breathing exercises weren't working. And you're right, I also called into work today, which I never do. So yes, it was bad."
"And what triggered the attack?" She asked jotting down some notes.
I felt it was finally time to come clean to Dr. Warren about who it was exactly I was dating. "My coworker, the one I've been seeing… well he's… it's Steve Rogers."
Dr. Warren blinked. "Steve Rogers as in Captain America?"
I felt a blush creep up my skin at her incredulous question. Me dating Captain America was still just as much a surprise to me as everyone else. "Yes. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want the attention. And honestly I wasn't sure how long this was going to last so I figured why tell anyone when it just might end?"
"The thought of telling people about your relationship with him is what triggered the attack?"
I shook my head. "No, he's been gone on a mission for 8 days now and I haven't heard from him. This is the longest I've gone without seeing him. And while I was fine at the beginning, now I'm worried that something has happened to him or is going to happen to him and it sent me right into a panic attack because… well I think I love him. I think I'm in love with him. And the thought of losing him after losing Ian and everything else is just too much."
The words had fell from my lips in a long breathless rant. And suddenly my eyes felt very watery. But the moment I was done it felt like a weight had been lifted to have said them aloud. Dr. Warren was watching me with a mixture of surprise and sincerity on her face, reaching over to the box of tissues she keeps on her side table and offering me two. I took them and wiped at my eyes as she jotted down more notes. I knew she was giving me a minute to get my shit together.
"You worry that something will happen to Steve and it will be like losing Ian all over again," Dr. Warren reiterated.
I nodded. I didn't want to go through that dark time of my life again, especially when I couldn't talk about it. "I know that's probably ridiculous, given that Steve and I have only been seeing each other three months and Ian and I were together for years, but I don't know I'm just… scared."
"Do you think this is another reason you've been apprehensive about sharing your past with Steve completely? And perhaps this is also why you are reluctant to have sex with him?"
I paused. It had to be the reason. It would make everything finally make sense. It would explain my apprehension to share or go all the way, the way I was nearly sent into a panic attack when we first began dating when I would feel anything for him. I was scared to share myself with him when the possibility of losing him loomed over me like a dark cloud.
"Of course it does," I answered pushing my hair out of my face. "I mean, it has to be."
"Andy, if you let that fear dictate your life and relationships you will never truly be open or live again. Bad things happen. They happen to everyone. And those bad things sometimes include loss. But living in fear and worry helps nothing, it only limits you and keeps you from enjoying your life, relationships, and experiences."
Her words hit me like a wave crashing on the rocks. As usual she was right. I supposed that was why she was a successful educated therapist. I leaned back into the chair, letting the realization wash over me. If I wanted to continue with the growth I had been experiencing due to my relationship with Steve I'd have to let all the negativity of my past go. I couldn't let all my old fears and worries take hold in my new relationship. If I didn't want to go back there I'd have to finally move forward.
"I do have to add that it is normal to worry sometimes. And dating a guy like Captain America, who willingly puts his life in jeopardy for others, it is reasonable to worry when he's away and you haven't heard from him," Dr. Warren added.
"So I'm not silly for worrying?"
"Absolutely not. But don't let the worry send you into another panic attack. I know it can make you feel helpless when he's away, but worrying helps nothing."
I absorbed that, my mind going back to what she had said before. "So I have to just tell him then right? The truth about everything?"
"Do you feel ready for that?" She asked.
I took a deep breath. "I feel like I'm ready. To really move all the way forward. I have to tell Steve everything and put it behind me."
"If you feel ready then I fully support it," Dr. Warren gave me an encouraging smile.
I left Dr. Warrens with a renewed sense of confidence and determination. I formulated a plan and made a mental list of the steps needed to accomplish said plan. I wanted to tell Steve everything, including telling him how I felt, and finally give myself to him completely. And as I thought about it I realized there was no panic at the thought, and it felt right.
It was when I was walking home from the appointment that my cell phone buzzed in my purse. A number I didn't recognize displayed on the caller ID. I answered it anyway, assuming it was probably someone calling for Tony.
"Hi Sweetheart, it's me."
The sound of Steve's voice wafting into my ears was an immediate relief. The worry that I had been feeling, while momentarily abated by my appointment with Dr. Warren, completely vanished and my stomach swarmed with butterflies.
"You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice," I admitted, the smile on my face so wide it almost hurt.
"Trust me, I can say the same," he sighed. "I miss you so much, Sweetheart. I don't have a lot of time, but I just wanted to say hi, let you know I'm okay and I'll be back in 3 days."
Another wave of relief hit me. "I'm glad you're coming back soon. I miss you too."
"Any chance I can talk to you into being in my room waiting for me when I return? The thought of holding you in my bed is the only thing keeping me going out here," he asked in a low voice, chuckling softly.
"You're twisting my arm, but I guess I can make that happen," I gave a fake heavy sigh.
He chuckled again. The sound sending tingles throughout me. "Good, We should be back in the evening around 7."
"I'm looking forward to it." I was. I really was.
"Me too, Sweetheart, me too. Listen, I've got to go, but I'll see you soon."
"Okay, bye."
He hung up without another word and I felt excitement coursing through me.
It took three days to enact my plan. The plan being to be waiting in Steve's bed, in something that would certainly let him know I was ready to move up to rabbits pace, and after the sex, if I was able to, we would talk. Really talk. I would finally tell him everything and our relationship could truly begin.
The first step of the plan was to see my gynecologist to get started on birth control. If I was going to have sex it would certainly be safely. She had gaped at me when I nervously asked to get started on the pill because I intended to have sex. She had known about Ian and my daughter of course, she has been the one to treat me before and during my pregnancy. She smiled proudly at me as she wrote the prescription and told me how to take it for it to be effective, patting my hand for good measure when she handed me the script which I got filled and started taking that day.
The next step was shopping for lingerie, which is something I hadn't done in years. I didn't want to have to tell Steve I was ready, I just wanted to show him. And what better way than to be waiting in his bed wearing lingerie when he returned home from the mission. It took me almost an hour of walking around the store with a nervous blush feeling out of place and indecisive, and three times of the clerk asking if I needed anything before I finally decided on something. It was a navy blue, a color I was certain he liked, babydoll set. Something tasteful, didn't show too much, I didn't want to shock him too much nor was I ready for that yet, but was also sheer so it showed just enough to get the point across.
The last step was to get groceries, my plan to at least make dinner so that he could eat after he worked up an appetite. I'd make something in the crockpot that would keep warm while we were… busy, and we could enjoy while I told him about my past. I decided on a roast with potatoes, celery, and carrots with some rice to accompany it.
The day that Steve was to return arrived and I made sure everything was in place so that I could slip away a little early to prepare. I had brought everything I needed with me and was in the elevator holding a duffel bag with my toiletries, lingerie and a change of clothes inside, my purse and a crockpot when the doors opened to the fourth floor revealing Thor Odinson waiting for the elevator. He looked up when the doors opened, his face setting into a confused frown. He looked different. A lot different from the Thor I had seen years ago. His hair was cut short and close to his head and his eyes were two different colors, hazel and blue, when I distinctly remembered they'd both once been blue. He also was not wearing his typical Asgardian garb and was clad in jeans and a hoodie. He hadn't been to the compound in months as far as I knew from Steve, no one knew where he had been or if he would return.
"Ummm…. hi Mr. Odinson, I wasn't expecting to see you," I said nervously in greeting when the silence lingered.
"Who are you?" He demanded.
"I'm Andy- Andrea. Andrea Dawson. I'm Tony's assistant."
He remained silent, obviously unsure of what to do with that information. He stepped onto the elevator and I stepped off of it, watching him hesitantly.
"Are you leaving again?" I asked, knowing it was none of my business, but feeling a strange urge to ask.
"I was hoping to speak with the Captain or Stark, but he clearly isn't here so I will be taking my leave," he answered adjusting the bag that was slung over his shoulder.
"Oh Tony is in Wakanda with Dr. Banner," I answered to which his frown deepened. "And Steve and Natasha are on a mission, but he will be back in a few hours if you want to wa-."
"I will return later. Thank you."
The elevator doors closed on him and I wondered briefly what had brought the God of Thunder back to NY. I tried to shake the experience off, heading to Steve's room and getting everything set up. I started the roast in his kitchen first, the rice already cooked and just needing reheating. I went to take a shower after that, not shocked at the large shower with waterfall spout that sat in his bathroom. It matched the rest of his room perfectly. The shower was amazing, the water pressure much better than at my apartment and I honestly found it hard to get out.
It took me a full hour after getting showered to prepare myself. Most of which was spent giving myself repeated pep talks that this was a good idea and I wanted to do this and was ready. I changed into the lingerie, let my hair cascade down my shoulders and put on the only makeup I owned, mascara and a nude lipstick. I set up a few candles on Steve's nightstand, because what is a romantic evening without candles, and checked on the roast which was filling the room with a delicious aroma before settling onto the bed. It was another 15 minutes before I settled onto a position I deemed, and hoped, looked sexy lying on my side, propped up on one elbow.
"F.R.I.D.A.Y, can you tell me when the quinjet lands and when Steve is coming up?"
"Certainly, Andy."
"Oh and can you make sure to tell me if he is alone when he's coming up?" The last thing I needed was for someone who was not Steve to see me in his candlelit room nearly naked on his bed.
"Yes, Andy."
I glanced at the clock, it was only 6:40. So I waited.
It was 6:45 when F.R.I.D.A.Y alerted me that the quinjet landed. It was 6:55 when she told me that Steve was in the elevator alone. And it was 7:00 when the door to his room opened. He was punctual as usual. My heart was pounding in my chest, my nerves tingling with anticipation as I watched the door open and Steve stepped into view still clad in his gear, his duffel in one hand.
He froze when he saw me, eyes widening and face falling in surprise, the duffel fell from his hand to hit the ground with a heavy thud. I did my best to look alluring, sitting up just a little, thinking: here we go.
"Welcome home, Captain."