The Road I'm On

She said life's a lot to think about sometimes. When you are living in between the lines. And all the stars they sparkle and shine every day.

It was a pitiful attempt at sleep. I tossed and turned all night long. And when I finally did find myself asleep I was awash in dreams that quickly turned to nightmares.

It was like viewing old home movies, but without the sound, only the pictures flashing before me. The earliest was us around Jac's age, playing and my father coming to get me from the Winston's, he was crying. Piney tried to comfort him and my father lashed out, pushing him and then grabbing me by the arm to pull me way from Jax and Opie. Jax tried to pull me back, and my father shouted something, but I couldn't make it out. Jax let go of my hand and kicked my father in the leg, that resulted in my father picking me up and carrying me crying and kicking back to our house.

The next memory was a flash of us at the cemetery, but I was alone, off to the back and side of the larger group. I could see Jax, Gemma and JT, I felt the sorrow. Jax wouldn't cry. I remember how I had been the same way when we buried my mom. I tucked my feelings away until I was alone. But I was never really alone, Jax wouldn't allow it. I cried on his shoulder. And it appeared that it was time for me to repay that favor. I watched him, saw the struggle in his eyes. My father refused to go to the funeral, and didn't want me around 'those people'. Jax was my friend, and I had to be there. Piney had offered to bring me, but dad had refused to allow me to go. So while he was passed out from a bender, I dressed and walked across town to the cemetery.

I had picked a couple of wild flowers on the way so when everyone went up and placed the white roses on the casket I brought my sad wilted flowers. I turned to head back to my spot away from the crowd when Gemma began to sob, looking at the flowers I had placed. It was later that JT told me that Thomas used to pick those same flowers when he was out with Jax and they would put them in little dixie cup vases and leave them on the table for Gemma. After that he told me where I could find Jax sitting on the roof of the club house all alone.

He and I talked until JT called for us to come down, my father had woken and found me gone. Chief Unser had convinced him to stay home and wait as he had an idea where I could be found. JT offered to take me home, but Unser said that my father was not in a good place, and it was better that no one else see it. Gemma refused to let me go home if he was like that, that it wasn't safe. Piney and Opie agreed to head out at the same time, keep an eye and ear just in case. It was the only way Gemma would let me leave with Unser. Jax held my hand until Unser put me in the cruiser.

The next flash was at the cemetery again. I was in the same spot, same situation, my father had refused to allow me to go with the Winstons, Gemma had even called. I waited for him to go out, heading to the Hairy Dog as usual. As soon as the car was gone, I head out the same route. Picking the same wild flowers. I cried for the loss of a man who seemed to be the glue to hold so many people together. When I found Jax later, he was angry. We sat in silence, it seemed to be what he needed. It was about a week later that he finally seemed to reach his boiling point. Opie and I had gone to his house to check on him. I found him in the back yard, Opie was right behind me but when I saw Jax sitting with his head in his hands I told Opie to hold off a second and wait. I sat by him, and told him that I was for him. He yelled, told me that he and Opie weren't really my friends that they had only felt sorry for me. There had been other hurtful things, and when I walked away from him Opie looked angry. He wanted to punch Jax for saying the things he had. I just shook my head. Clearly Jax was hurting, and I would respect his request. Opie and I left, and I saw Gemma watching us go.

The last one that came, the one that had me gasping and in a cold sweat when I woke, was not a memory that included Jax, though it had pertained to him. Josh was looming over me, yelling. Jac had spent the night at a friend's because I had a double shift at the hospital. I had just walked in the apartment when he pulled me into my bedroom. I don't know how he had gotten in. I opened my eyes to see him there, over me. He was yelling about us finally becoming a family. He held me down and as he forced himself into me. I didn't scream, I didn't call out, I barely registered the single tear that had escaped and rolled down my cheek. Afterward he cooed in my ear about us being together and the family we would raise. How he would take care of me, and not abandon me like the outlaw biker who would be getting what he deserved. I never spoke, just listened as he prattled on about RICO and the cases that were building against them. Josh fell asleep next to me taking my silence for acceptance of his plans for our future. While he slept I called a friend at a clinic, and scheduled an appointment. I contacted my lawyer's office and left a frantic message asking for an appointment. Jac needed to be protected.

He said life's so hard to move in sometimes. When it feels like I'm towin' the line. And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way.

I woke to the sun starting to come into the window, my alarm went off but I felt like I had barely gotten to sleep. I got myself up and ready for the day and then woke Jac and told her to shower quickly. I got some clothes together for her, and headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. Upon opening the fridge and cabinet I saw just what Gemma meant my stocking up. Jac and I were set for a good chunk of time. I would have to pay Gemma back, this was way more than I had expected. Each cabinet was full, and the fridge had plenty as well. It was a mix of Jac's favorites, mine as well but then there were little things that neither of us had had when we were in Chicago, things that Jax would have when we were kids. I don't know if it was Gemma buying out of habit thinking that Jac would like them, or if she felt that her son would be spending time here so she would be sure there were things he liked here for him. Before I knew it Jac was at the table asking just for cereal so that she wouldn't be late.

There was a light knock on the door, and Jac got up to answer it.

"Sit. Eat your breakfast." I told her. I took the mug of coffee I had made myself and went to check and see who was at the door. I assumed it was Piney checking on us from last night. But found Jax looking a bit haggard.

"Morning. What are you doing here?" I asked. And is response was to look at me like I had seven heads. He then looked at the mug in my hand.

"You got anymore of that?" He sounded like he hadn't slept his voice scratchy and full of exhaustion.

"Yeah. Come on in, I was getting Jac ready for school." I moved from the door so he could enter the house, went into the kitchen and set to making him a cup of coffee. He watched me from the door way, and then sat down across from Jac.

"So darlin' you ready for your first day?" He asked eyeing Jac's half eaten bowl of cereal. "Hmmm...if I know your grandmother, when she got that, she also got..." He stood and when to the cabinet. I don't know how he remembered but on the first try he went to the cabinet that contained the cereal boxes and pulled out the one that I had recognized as one he liked when we were kids. "Yes! Way to go grandma." He pulled a bowl from the next cabinet and poured the cereal in the bowl. Jac and left the milk on the table and I handed him a spoon. Along with the mug of coffee. He was grinning like a little kid as he sipped the coffee then looked up at me. "You remember?"

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone. That's the same road, the same road that I'm on.

"Remember what?" I pulled a notepad and began writing a 'To Do' list for around the house so that I could take care of the things that needed to be done between shifts. If we were sticking around I would need to make this house our home.

"My coffee, two sugar, no milk. You remember." He said he gave me a smirk that made the butterflies start up.

"That's how mom drinks it." Jac said as she put a spoon full of cereal to her mouth. I felt like she was conspiring here. Last night I noticed it, and now. Did she think she was going to push us together by pointing these little things out?

"You never drank coffee, you used to hate it. Mind you, you made the best fuckin' coffee ever. Chibs can't make it for shit at the shop, way too strong. And Half Sack can't figure it out to save his life." He sipped and watched me for my response.

"I needed it to get through school. I figured it got you through prospecting, so maybe it might help with raising a baby and taking college courses. I guess it worked and I developed a bit of an addiction to it." I said with a shrug. "I tried it black, with milk, one sugar, any way possible. This was how I liked it best."

Jac finished her cereal and put the bowl in the sink. "Alright, I'm set, are you still taking me to school today?"

He said life's a lot to think about sometimes. When you keep it all between the lines. Of everything I want and I want to find, one of these days.

Jax finished his bowl and did the same thing, "Yup come on darlin'." I looked at him confused. "What? You thought I just came here for coffee and Coco Puffs? It's not every day that my girl starts school around here." I picked up my bag and the envelope that from last night and stuck it in my bag to look at later.

"Okay. Well then let's get going. Tomorrow you ride the bus. " The three of us were walking out door when I noticed the pickup truck in the drive way next my car. "Is that yours?" I asked.

"Yeah, normally I'm on the Dyna, but I figured today I would drive the truck. Hop in darlin'." He said as he opened the cab door for Jac and I.

"Okay well just so you know I have to be to the hospital after dropping her off, so if you bring me back I will get my car." I started to tell him and he cut me off as he started the truck.

"I have to go see the little man, so I'll just take you there."

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong. Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong.

"But I have to pick Jac up after school," and I again my protest was shot down.

"I'll get her and bring her back to the hospital. She can see her brother before she has to go to the daycare." He shot me a glance, and I nodded.

"'Gemma. She told you about me having Jac in the daycare and she wants you to talk me out of it."

"Nah, darlin. I'm not going to talk you out of it. You know what is best for our girl. But I do want to spend some time with my girls. You okay with that? Friend?" He said looking over Jac's head at me.

"I suppose I can't argue with that." I said. We rode the rest of the way to the school in silence. Once we parked, and started to climb out of the truck I noticed that Jax took his kutte off. I raised an eyebrow when he noticed me watching.

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone. That's the same road, that's the same road that I am on.

"The school developed a code of conduct including a dress code, that students and parents have to adhere to. Opie mentioned it, his kids go to school here. I guess it had something to do with students several years ago? Go figure. " I laughed knowing full well that he was referring to himself, and Opie. I also had a feeling it had to do with graduation, when he and Opie and the rest of the club showed up wearing their kuttes. They all knew full well that my father wouldn't be there, either he would be sleeping off a bender, or he would be out celebrating on his own at the Hairy Dog. They didn't want me to walk across the stage without someone there to cheer when my name was called as Valedictorian.

We walked into the elementary school and then into the office, we needed to know which class they had put Jac so that she knew where to go. Jax took a piece of paper and scribbled a note saying he would be picking her up at the end of the day. The secretary directed us to the classroom and gave us the teacher's name. Jax smirked.

"What?" I asked a little nervous about the look on his face.

"Opie said one of his kids has this teacher." I turned and looked at him.

"Opie and Donna have a kid in this class? Time out. Are you telling me Donna was pregnant then too?" I asked stopping in the middle of the hallway.

Jax shrugged, "You didn't stick around" and then he leaned in to add so only I could hear him "Clearly while your dad was updating you as to where my dick had been, he neglected to tell you about your friends. And you never bothered to stay in contact with them." I flinched, it hurt to be reminded that while I left to do what was right for me and Jac I had left other behind.

What you thought was real in life somehow steered you wrong. Now you just keep drivin' tryin' to find out where you belong.

We arrived at the classroom door, and knocked. The teacher was about Gemma's age, and greeted us. "You must be Jackson Grace. I'm Mrs. Roosevelt. It is nice to meet you." She smiled at Jac and then turned her attention to us, "You must be Mr. Teller and Dr. Knowles. It is nice to meet you both as well. " She shook our hands and informed us that the rest of the students would be arriving soon. "What would you prefer I call you in class? All the school paperwork will of course have her full name. " She went from looking at Jac to both Jax and I.

"Um, everyone seems to have some version of my name. But I like Jackson Grace. It pisses my grandmother off when my grandfather uses my first name. " She said it, and she sounded like Jax at that age.

"Not appropriate young lady. " I corrected Jac regarding her language and the bit about Gemma and Clay. Jax laughed but apologized to the teacher.

"I'm sorry. My stepfather did make that comment. But only because Jackson is my first name as well. Her grandmother calls her Grace to avoid confusion between who she is talking to."

Mrs. Roosevelt nodded. "Okay Jackson Grace, I'm going to have you sit right here. The young lady next to you is Ellie Winston. And again Jax looked at me and smirked. Oh great, this could turn out to be another Teller Winston connection.

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone. That's the same road, that same road that I am on.