CHAPTER TEN
"Kakashi… oi Kakashi, are you dead?"
He startled at sudden reality. There were no battles being fought here, he'd simply dozed off in the hot spring. Guy however was a bit too close for comfort but that was the only present danger physically.
"I'm fine, just nodded off a little…"
"I wondered why you weren't saying anything." Guy laughed. "So it turns out I've been talking to myself for twenty minutes!"
Kakashi raked a hand through his damp hair. Pleased in himself that he'd chosen to cover his face at least. Something about the way he looked must have given away the inner turmoil he was currently feeling. Those last words she'd whispered in his ear replaying over and over, dissolving what little was left of his patience.
Also, he hadn't noticed that Guy had been talking to him about something this entire time. His concentration really was awry this evening.
"Oh, sorry, did you say something?"
Guy's expression changed to one of seriousness as he scratched his head.
"Listen, I honestly don't know what's going through that mind of yours, but snap out of it man! It's not like you, since when did you start letting personal feelings get in the way of a mission?"
"It's not...like that Guy. I can't very well stop memories coming back to haunt me can I? It's all just taking its toll…" Kakashi flexed his arms, he'd been in the water long enough.
"You never did tell me what happened that night she left. I know you said not to talk about it, but under these circumstances…"
"I told her some things Guy, that's all you need to know."
"You're seriously going to give me that bull again?"
Kakashi considered his words carefully.
"It wasn't as if we had a lot of time to go over the details, I said what needed to be said, that's all..."
"What needed to be said huh…"
Adjusting himself Kakashi stood and made his way inside to get dressed, unfortunately Guy was also on his heels.
"Speaking of what needs to be said…" Guy spoke while pulling his clothes on, "while on patrol I heard some of the conversation between Asuna and Naruto."
"Mmm, Sakura told me about that. You shouldn't be eavesdropping though..."
Guy continued speaking undeterred.
"Seems to me that she feels unimaginable guilt for having to leave the way she did."
"Yeah."
There was a manner of speaking which Guy sometimes adopted that was more intuitive than Kakashi liked. But if it meant less actual conversation, then he didn't really mind. He wondered what his friend was really getting at. Guilt resurfacing itself. He'd been so selfish that night he'd chased after her, justifying himself that she'd needed to hear it. And Kakashi was still sure at least part of him was right about that.
But he still wouldn't blame her if she never forgave him, for making it so much harder for her to leave and all the rest. He owed her more than a thousand apologies.
Guy couldn't have known, but somehow he'd picked up on it. Damn him. Kakashi dressed quickly to avoid any further talking, probably confirming his guilt more than anything. At least Guy was heading in to sleep anyway.
Glimpsing the clock on the wall he wasn't surprised that it was rapidly approaching midnight. Deciding that he'd probably rested enough for one day, he chose to sneak out the side door of the bath house. Completely avoiding Guy, he slipped out undetected.
The gardens that surrounded the inn were peaceful in the night, with enough moonlight now to illuminate them fully. The stars and crickets were out in full force too, it was a clear and crisp evening and if it weren't for the present mission it would have been an ideal opportunity to relax.
Until he caught sight of something that made his breath catch in his throat.
Seated on a bench in the middle of the garden, staring into the fountain, was Asuna. It had taken a moment to recognize her, mostly because he hadn't expected it, with her hair down and without the bulky cloak.
He must have inadvertently wandered into the side garden where she'd been talking with Naruto. Though she was now sitting well and truly alone.
As Kakashi approached it appeared as if she was in some kind of trance, but more than anything, she seemed peaceful. With a queer smile on her face and hair flowing in the light breeze. A thousand memories came to mind in waves which made him dizzy. He took a good look at her, eyes closed now face turned toward the stars.
His body appeared to be moving of its own free will, taking a seat next to her on the bench and looking up to the sky himself.
"This brings back memories."
She smiled at his words and scoffed a little.
"You can say that again."
Asuna aimed her grin at him and he couldn't suppress one of his own. Kakashi sighed and leaned back into the bench, Asuna still possessed that strange quality which made him feel calm. Too calm. It almost made him forget why they were here in the first place. But he couldn't bring himself to look away from her smiling face at that moment.
"You shouldn't have been out here on your own."
It came out in a tone harsher than he'd intended.
"It's alright. Mini Guy is patrolling the area.
"Mini Guy indeed." Kakashi scoffed.
"It's borderline narcissism. I've seen some strange things in my time but that certainly makes the top five."
With every word she spoke a familiar impatience begun to tug at him. A feeling that had surfaced itself in the past on the rare occasions where she had spoken freely without her usual reticence. Every time she had opened her mouth he'd wanted to silence her with his own lips.
Patience. There was still a lot he needed to apologize for yet. Even then she may not want anything to do with him. For now he'd continue the conversation if it made her happy.
"I wondered if that would get a reaction. You should see the kid fight, it's eerie."
"You might've warned me that there was a 'bushier brows' y'know."
For a microsecond she made the pouty face he remembered from their much younger days. He almost laughed out loud.
"I considered it, but forgive me, I don't get many amusements in my old age."
Kakashi half expected her to elbow him in the ribcage like she used to, but he noted that he was sitting next to her injured side. Instead she just laughed.
"You've always been an old man in spirit, Kashi."
He scratched his head and smiled, the old nickname had resurfaced.
In the silence that followed Kakashi continued to study Asuna's features, reacquainting himself with the way her eyes changed as she smiled. Though only visible by the moonlight he could still make it out. A deep sigh escaped him.
"I've missed this."
The thought escaped his lips before he had time to check it, but it didn't matter, it was the truth.
"Me too."
Those two little words from her were enough to set his mind at ease, casting away any doubt. It seemed some things really didn't change with time.
"I'm sorry Asuna, I had hoped to get you home and in the village by nightfall. Guess I'm moving like an old man now too."
Again, and as always, her response he did not anticipate.
"I'm already home."
Asuna smiled and slowly brushed her hand against his which was resting on the bench space between them. It was exactly the way she used to long ago, except this time he was no longer the fool who felt superior to all human contact.
Without hesitating, and perhaps even a little greedily, he took her hand, lacing his fingers with hers in a familiar way. There was still a smile on her lips, but her eyes were focussed on her hand locked with his. She sighed before looking back out into the garden.
"How's the shoulder?"
Kakashi wondered if he'd crossed some sort of line in asking the question, one she'd have likely sharply elbowed him for in the past. But surprisingly enough she answered.
"Fine, Sakura did a good job, she's an excellent medic. Not a subtle girl though…"
It did not go unnoticed that she was still a master at changing the subject.
"She's definitely picked up a few...uh, habits from Lady Tsunade. She was able to help you with Naruto I take it?"
Asuna's smile now faded.
"She told you about that huh?"
Kakashi nodded.
"It's a little... difficult to get Naruto to listen sometimes." He had tried to make his voice softer than usual.
"That boy is something alright, even then he wasn't exactly interested in what I had to say, speaking of which…" She hesitated, her whole body tensed, he could feel it in the hand that he was still holding. Asuna turned to look him in the eye. "I owe you the same… You're not the only one moving slow. I'm so sorry Kashi, I went as fast as I could… but it took so much longer than I thought…"
With each pause in her words it was as if she were attempting to hold back some of the heavier emotions that were threatening to spill out. Obviously she had been building up to apologize to him as well as Naruto, it must have been eating away at her for a long time. Asuna held his eye as if trying to communicate with him without words.
Instead of letting her continue, Kakashi wanted immediately to put her at ease. There would be time for this kind of conversation later, at home, after she had healed. And it would be then that he could finally finish what he'd started fifteen years earlier.
He squeezed her hand a little for effect.
"That's enough of that now. You always forget, don't you? You never need to apologize to me."
Without his control his eye flickered to her lips as they crinkled back into the small smile that he sometimes felt she reserved for his eyes only. An unsavoury thought crossed his mind for a second. It was not the time. Any confessions he made to her now would be in poor taste.
"Besides, I think you have perfect timing."
He had always enjoyed it when a rare look of surprise danced across her face, it was just the same even now.
"What do you mean?"
And her smile was growing.
"Well, I'll put it this way, if you'd rushed, you might not have finished the job properly. Call me selfish, but I like it this way much better, now I don't have to let you go again."
Asuna squeezed his hand back.
"Thank you Kashi, I don't think... I'll be going anywhere anymore…"
She sighed before looking back up to the stars. Kakashi's eye was fixed on her face, so peaceful, so angelic, everything he remembered it to be. There was a tiredness about her eyes though that was the only difference.
Kakashi heard something odd behind the wall to the garden and almost reached for a kunai with his other hand. Asuna must've sensed the shift in him.
"It's alright, it's just mini-Guy- Lee was it? He's on his hundredth lap by my count."
They both glanced sideways at each other before sniggering a little.
"It makes me tired just hearing that."
"Is there...anything else I should know before we get back to the Leaf village? Things you've held back for dubious comedic purposes?"
Kakashi almost startled at her words but realized she was referring to the weird student-teacher relationship that had disturbed her earlier and not to his own feelings. He mused on what would be the most troubling change for her, and what he should omit to entertain himself with later.
"Well there is one thing. Not nearly as strange as Guy and Lee I'll admit…"He waited for her to look him in the eye again before he continued. "How do I put this… Lord Third had a monument made in your honour."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, you'll know it when you see it, trust me."The look on her face was priceless, he wished he had a camera. It brought to mind the other reason he wanted to talk to her. "And speaking of trust… there's something I need to return to its rightful owner."
With a slight of hand he withdrew from the pouch attached to his belt the item she had stored in there herself fifteen years ago. It was something Kakashi had seldom removed from that place in all that time, and on one occasion he'd actually locked it away just to be sure it was safe. He knew how much it meant to her.
He held it out for her to take with her other hand. Asuna regarded it for a moment as if she were confused before the grin spread across her face and she took it.
"I was going to wait until we'd gotten you home and safe before giving it back to you, but I guess we can't have you returning to the Leaf village without it, and now's as good a time as any..."
The headband emblazoned with the leaf symbol was back where it belonged. About two days after she'd left, after that night in the rain, Kakashi had finally gotten the nerve up to actually look at what she'd left with him. It hadn't overly surprised him, and having the thing in his possession all this time had been an odd comfort. Like a piece of her was with him always. Though it paled in comparison to the real thing.
"Thank you Kakashi, I knew it would be safe with you."
"Don't mention it. I figured you'd come back for it sooner or later."
She rested the headband in her lap and closed her eyes.
In the ensuing silence Kakashi was painfully aware of the physical connection between them. His eye would inevitably drift from whatever he'd chosen to look at back to their hands intertwined. But the quiet was comfortable, and he knew full well that Asuna was no big talker. There were just so many things left unsaid. It was just lucky he was a patient man, and then there was the fact he hadn't quite worked out exactly what he would say on that particular subject.
For now, it was enough to be sitting next to her, holding her hand and watching her smile. Knowing she was safe. Even if he was a little apprehensive about whatever enemy may be approaching. The sounds of Lee making another lap reassuring him for the moment.
"Is it really necessary for him to keep that up?"
Asuna's question may have been rhetorical but he answered it anyway.
"We received some intel that the Akatsuki might be on the move in the area so we took every measure…"
Asuna smirked a little.
"I was meaning him doing the laps on his hands… but you have a point there too." Kakashi fell silent again, she continued. "Master Jiraiya told me the majority of what he knew when we last spoke. That group even has you worried I see…"
"Yeah. We fought with two of them, it was far too close a call for my liking."
Asuna shifted a little closer, he recognized the movement from long ago. In the days, weeks, she'd taken care of him. She'd shuffle closer and say something quiet in his ear that would make everything seem a little brighter.
"You know what Naruto told me this evening?"
"Hmm? And what would that be?"
She smiled as she spoke.
"Well, after he quite bluntly refused to let me make him a proper apology, he thanked me... And told me that I shouldn't bother myself with the Akatsuki."
"He what?"
"Mmhmm. Seems he's not worried one bit about them, or so he says anyway. The little scamp even forbade me from fighting them, said he'd do enough fighting for the both of us from now on." Kakashi wasn't sure if it made him feel any better but it certainly took his mind out of the present darkness it had fallen into. "I don't know how he got those ideas in his head, and unfortunately he made me promise him I would stay out of it. But I'll tell you the same thing I told Naruto, I'm here if you need me."
That did the trick.
"I like the sound of that."
For a fleeting moment he thought he'd seen a small blush on her cheeks in the moonlight, it pleased him more than it should have. Asuna offered him a meek smile before casting her eye back to the headband still on her lap. When a light breeze brushed past Kakashi caught the scent of sweet apples which seemed to be inextricably coming from her. It did strange things to his insides.
Now that she'd shuffled a little closer it was easier to see the circles underneath her eyes, and how drawn her face had become. Though there were a thousand things he could be speaking to her about at that point it all suddenly seemed less important.
Asuna blinked slowly.
The sound of a sliding door and footsteps caught their attention.
"Lady Asuna, you should be resting…" Sakura appeared rubbing her eyes.
Not quite willing to relinquish his hold of her hand just yet Kakashi stood and offered his other to help her stand up. She sighed before she took it.
"That's what I've been trying to tell her, Sakura. Come on you."
Sakura had an expression on her face that wasn't to be trifled with.
"I know, I know."
Finally letting go of both her hands he stepped back and scratched his head.
"You're meant to be sleeping… if he's bothering you I can take care of him" Sakura came to her side to lead her away, menacingly smacking a fist into her palm.
"It's fine, I was having trouble sleeping anyway."
"Oh, I can help you with that." Sakura smiled.
"You should get some rest, we need to get you home tomorrow."
At his words Asuna met his eye, it was all he could do not to blush.
"Right, I guess so…"
By now Sakura knew enough to guess that Asuna had been through some things that made her slow to trust anyone.
"It's alright, I won't use a sedative or anything. Just trust me."
"Yeah, and you can leave the fighting to us, right?"
He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring thumbs up as the sounds of Lee's next lap filtered through the garden. Asuna's smile widened.
"I guess I promised Naruto as much huh."
Making her way back inside with Sakura, the grin Asuna flashed him was enough to still his heart for a few beats. It was after it had faded that Kakashi recognized the look on her face.
"I'll be here if you need me."
A brief smile in return for his words, and she was out of sight. Leaving Kakashi standing in the garden staring at his hand, still tingling with warmth, and feeling more tired than he had in months. It was a different, heavy kind of weariness that dragged him to the deck outside the rooms they had booked. But that was as far as he got. His back against the wall he slid down until he'd hit solid wood and his eyes were already closed.
Something about knowing that Asuna was asleep on the other side of the wall he was resting against gave him an unexpected feeling of peace that lulled him to an undisturbed sleep.
"Kakashi!"
It was the second time that particular dream had woken him. The anger in Rin's voice still echoing in his ears. Breathing harshly, clutching his chest it was a struggle just to return his heart rate back to normal. Even then the shaking wouldn't stop. Physically it felt as if someone had replaced his blood with ice water.
It was all he could do to sit there, trembling, staring at the hand that had taken his friend's life. He could feel the blood on his palm even now through the tears and the warmth as it had left her body. Kakashi held back bile as he made a dash for the sink.
Why wouldn't the blood come off? Tears freely flowing from both eyes, he considered that never feeling clean again was punishment for failing his friends. As well as the nightmares. Justly deserved.
Still he scrubbed it. It had to come off, it had to.
"It won't wash off…."
Whether it was concentration or sheer desperation, he didn't notice the figure behind him in the darkness. With a shudder he became suddenly aware of the sound of footsteps and a hand wrapped around the wrist he held under the tap.
"What is it Kashi?" Turning his head only slightly he replied.
"It won't… I can't get it clean…" And he never would. He continued to stare at it, even with Asuna's grip on his wrist he could still feel the blood.
"What if I try…" Kakashi startled a little. Delicately she used both her hands, holding his and rubbing the water into it. Asuna did this for a while, eventually his eyes sought out her face. She looked... different. It was then that he realized that she had been gone for a couple months at least, her skin was a little darker, that face of hers remained the same.
He wasn't sure when exactly, but she had turned the taps off. She held his hand firmly, reaching for the towel from it's spot and dried them both.
But she never let go.
"Better?" He couldn't actually see his hand, and couldn't feel anything other than the warmth of hers, so in a word it was a little better. When he stopped staring at the point of contact between them his eyes met hers, he quickly wiped the tears from his face with his other. Why was she doing this? Why was she here? He hadn't even heard her knock, and she always, always, knocked. Hadn't heard her come in… How long had she been back for anyway?
But the questions in his mind faded just as quickly. He still felt sick to his stomach, the nightmare flashing before his eyes again.
"Come with me…"
Somewhat dragging him out of the room to the sliding doors he half wondered where she could be leading him at this time of night, but he honestly didn't care. Nothing mattered much anymore. It was all pointless.
Kakashi was lost in thought enough to barely register actually entering Asuna's room. She wasn't actually pulling him along roughly, it was almost like she was guiding a blind person around the place. As she stopped in the kitchen for something he stared fixedly at their hands joined together. It had been the longest that anyone had ever held his hand for, even RIn. The thought made him feel sick again, but Asuna was not letting go.
Paused for a moment while she gathered things one handed, Kakashi took another long look at this strange girl ushering him in the darkness. When she caught his eye, she smiled, but he certainly had nothing to smile about anymore. Possibly ever.
There wasn't time to dwell on that miserable thought.
They were now moving out to the back garden, through the sliding doors in Asuna's apartment to the veranda that joined his house to hers. Then they stopped.
"Sit down with me." Slowly, and awkwardly because she still wasn't letting go of him, he sat on the deck. Next to him Asuna held up a glass of something for him to take.
"Drink this."
It was an order more than a request. He took it, eyeing the glass suspiciously while watching her take a sip of her own. So it wasn't poison, but he was still dubious of her motives.
As shaken as he'd been earlier he hadn't realised exactly how dry this throat was. Maybe she'd just guessed it had been a nightmare, he had all the markers for it after all. Surely she had to have a reason for doing this.
Though he was curious there was another darker part of his mind that snuffed out any semblance of his old curious self. It was all he could do just to take care of his most basic needs these days, despite having been on his own most of his life.
"Drink up Kashi."
Maybe he hadn't been entirely alone.
Asuna's gentle reminder that she was still here holding on to him actually made his body respond a little more like it normally did. He shifted the mask down his face and quickly took a draft of the cold liquid. He couldn't be sure if it was iced tea or just plain water but he was certain he'd never tasted anything so refreshing.
It happened in an instant, from the moment he'd pulled the mask down his face even just that little bit, it was like he was finally able to breathe again after that horrific dream. Wide eyed he stared at the glass in his hand.
Had she known that something so simple could make him feel better?
Face still uncovered there was a gentle breeze that brushed past him and it was like he had been revived after drowning.
For the first time in a long while he took the moment to take in the surroundings as they were, moon out in full, the stars, the warmth even in the dead of night. But despite this feeling of being alive, all his thoughts disintegrated into pining for the team mates he'd failed to protect, the ones unable to enjoy these things because of him.
The feeling dragged him further down to the point where he was certain it would show on his face. He wouldn't let Asuna see, he could hide it a little while longer at least, she'd seen enough tonight in any case.
And he still had no idea what the hell she was doing in the first place. It wasn't as if they were close friends or anything, neighbours yes, comrades even. Kakashi's eyes drifted from her hand still holding tightly onto his to her face. Looking up at the stars with a coy smile, it was hard to believe it was the same girl who'd left for the land of lightning two months ago. It was curious, her hair was out even.
Feeling his eyes on her she met his stare with a kind expression. Suddenly he felt unworthy. He'd question why she wasn't saying anything as they sat there observing each other, but Asuna had never been a big talker. He was the last person who deserved any kind of warm hearted concern.
But then he remembered all the times when they'd been younger, the hours spent together during the night after either, or both of them, had been unable to get to sleep. Nightmares, bad thoughts, whatever the cause had been they had always both ended up sitting out here on this deck. In his mind it had been mostly for his own benefit, though he'd never said as much to her. He had a feeling she knew though. He'd disguised it as him looking out for her, but she must have known the truth, most of the time it was because he had been unable to escape the nightmares. Just like tonight.
In the past she'd never once complained, and on the rare occasion it had been for her own comfort he had always grumbled in one way or another about it. But they had still always ended up in this spot together. Was she reminding him of that?
Another waft of fresh air on his face made him realize that he hadn't pulled the mask back up, glumly he returned the thing back to its original position and stared back at the ground.
Still she said nothing.
He had never felt more like trash and yet she was still here. Finally he found his voice.
"Why?"
She sounded surprised a fraction.
"Huh?""Why are you… so good to me? I don't… I don't deserve it…"
Suddenly he felt her hand squeezing his far tighter than before, it pulled his attention back to her.
"Don't ever say that, not to me, understood?" Her tone was harsher, more determined than he'd heard in awhile. It felt like he was being told off by Kushina for a second. The shock at her words subsided a bit and he was able to watch her face soften as she spoke.
"As to the why, I don't know if I can explain it all that well but I'll give it a go."
He'd forgotten how much she hated explaining things and just talking in general, he continued to watch her transfixed.
"I get to do some pretty, well, specialized training… being what I am. A lot of it isn't the kind of training you do with your body, if that makes any sense. Long story short, more recently... I was forced to examine the inner workings of my own heart. And along with big sis Kushina and your father even, what I found there, was you Kakashi…"
He was sure both his eyes were wide at this point.
"It surprised me a little at first but it made sense at the same time. Apart from Kushina, you're all the family I have left in the world. And she has Minato sensei, she doesn't need me… I know you and I aren't blood or anything, we don't even talk all that much, but you'll always hold a spot here…" She placed a closed fist over her heart. "Never to be removed. So I will always be here…"
She squeezed his hand harder and held it up a bit.
"...to protect you, even if it's just from nightmares. If that's all I can do for you while I'm around then so be it. I only wish I'd gotten home a bit sooner…" She trailed off, but to be honest Kakashi was starting to hear a fuzzy white noise as he lost focus on exactly what she was saying. She must have been in the village a little while at least to know what had happened to Rin.
Watching her closely as she spoke with a warm smile on her face, Kakashi was unable to identify the feeling he was currently having. It was not something he'd experienced before, or even read about, so there was no name he could put to it.
It reminded him of something his father had once told him about women, that they had a special ability to make the men they cared for forget all their troubles. That they possessed a special kind of warmth that brightened the darkness, something he'd seen no proof of in his lifetime, even with Minato sensei and Kushina. Perhaps it was something that could only be felt this way, and not observed through others.
It wasn't a declaration of undying love or anything else so sinister that he'd suspected earlier. And it was true for him also, she was family. Part of him wished he could voice that to her, to tell her she wasn't alone in feeling that way, but he just couldn't do it. People who got too close to him had a nasty habit of dying too soon.
And then there was the rest of it, he was trash after all, the guilt and failure. He still felt sure he didn't deserve her kindness, but in all the time he'd known her, Asuna had never shown him anything other than kindness.
Asuna had stopped talking, she'd been silent for some time, still smiling and watching the stars in the way she did. He cast his eyes downward, realizing he'd been staring at her blankly for a while now. He knew she wasn't waiting for him to reply, she was just being her usual quiet self again. In fact, tonight was the most he'd heard her speak in years possibly. Kakashi just wished he had the right words to say back, to thank her for allowing him to forget the nightmare even if only for a while. It was no small miracle.
A tear rolled out of Obito's eye, he brushed it away and shifted his gaze to the hand that he thought he would never get clean again. The one Asuna still had ahold of. The warmth he felt from that hand now was not of blood and death, and all that mattered for the moment was that it stayed that way. For his own sanity.
He deserved every ounce of punishment for breaking his promise to be sure, but for now, for this night, he felt the need to be normal again so he could just breathe. To feel warmth and be whole once more.
He shifted the hand that she was holding, lacing his fingers with hers before grasping it back tightly. She responded with equal force.
"Asuna…"
"Mmm?" Still unsure on what to say he settled for his current needs, voicing it quietly.
"Don't let go."
There was a pause, neither of them moved.
"Got it."