Thanks to everyone reading this. Special shoutout to XxPunkLeeXX, Raiden519 and Red Foxy :)
Punks P.O.V.
She cries out like she needs me, but the truth of it is, our baby needs me more. And I made a vow. To never let them down. I tear across the road, almost stumbling up the kerb and hammering desperately on a random door with my fists.
"Somebody help! Open up please!"
The door moves beneath my touch, and and a middle aged woman stands there, sour-faced at seeing me on her doorstep. I'm not asking to be their best friends. I just want their help.
"Please... Do you have a cellphone I could use?"
"What's it to you?"
"Please!"
"Mo? What's going on... who's this?"
He appears behind this Mo, his face twisting in concern at the state of me.
"Can you help me!"
"What is it, son, what's happened?"
"N-Need to-get-to... hospital... now. Left-my wife-in-the-playground. F-Fell... think-she's-losing-baby..."
"I'll get my coat." he nods certainly. "I'll pull up outside that club over on the corner, you be alright to bring her that far?"
I nod, breathless. "Yeah... Yeah..." And I race back to the playground without the mechanisms to even pull in my next breath. April's still gripping the railing, leaning further forward in agony by now.
"Where did you go?" she wails as I hurtle towards her, sliding my arm around her back to support her.
"To get help. It's gonna be alright..."
Except we don't know that. Not yet. And I can't stand the pitying looks the old man keeps throwing us as April and me sit on the back seat of his car. She's cuddled into me without invitation or permission, but my fear keeps me beside her as she whimpers through the waves of pain, biting hard into her lip as the tears sparkle so sorrowfully. Her head is flopped, in defeat almost against my shoulder as she moans. And our only given touch is her freezing, shaking hand rested over mine against her stomach. How I wish she couldn't hear me as I repeat feverishly; "Please... Please don't..." It makes her cry harder and whatever I think of her and how she has damaged this marriage tonight, I never wanted to make her cry for this reason. This was never supposed to happen.
April needs more of my support than she can dare to admit. She thinks I won't help her, that I won't help my child. She leans heavily against me as we walk through the main entrance and left into A&E. I make her sit down, and she's gulping down another sob of terror just at me letting go of her wrist. There's nothing I can do to placate that. It's not within me anymore. I just want to know my baby's OK.
"April Brooks." I mumble at the expectant looking receptionist sat behind the computer at the desk. "She's... uh... twenty weeks pregnant. She fell and she can... barely walk with the pain."
"Right, OK." she returns with a serious face, tapping at the keys. "And are you... April's... husband?"
Drumming my fingers anxiously on the edge of the desk, I smile weakly as I catch sight of the ring still on my finger. "I was... Please, just make sure they look after the baby alright?"
And I turn away, needing to get out before these bastard tears spill over.
"Phil?"
I gulp down the sob awkwardly as I turn to face April. "I... I have to go."
She shivers, fresh tears sliding down. "No! No... you don't hate me that much, you can't! I'm scared... I'm so scared. And if that's not enough to make you stay- The baby... stay for the baby. Please! You can't walk out of here and leave me when the baby might be hurt... I know you couldn't do that!"
No. No, I couldn't. I sigh and motion tiredly for her to budge up, sinking down beside her. But after that, for so long, there's nothing between us. All I can hear is the phone ringing, people coughing, doctors calling patients through. And I just want one of them to tell me it'll be ok. Because otherwise... I did this. And I can't live with my baby's blood on my hands.
April doesn't turn to look at me; she just stems her tears and shakily begins to speak, maybe not even for the purpose of having me hear her. Maybe it's just to release it from where it's building so painfully inside. "I deserve this don't I? I... I ruin my marriage when it's... given me everything I ever wanted. And I just ruin it because I... God, I never give up being scared. And someone up there's seen everything I've done wrong, everything I've done to you... and they're making me pay; taking my dreams away from me... stealing my baby!"
I keep staring at the same spot on the floor. I don't move, I don't speak. I just keep staring. Because I can't bear to look at her, even though I can just about see her out the corner of my eye anyway. And it's not disgust anymore. That's been eclipsed by the fear. It's crippling and just to know she's beside me, crying her heart out with it. I'd break if I looked at her. And I can't. I can't afford to break. Because I don't have anyone to piece me back together anymore, not understanding of how these pieces fit. I thought I knew once. But what am I going to have in the morning?
"I'm such an idiot!" April curses miserably. "I ruined it all and I never needed to. But I was so scared. He put his hands round my throat... I couldn't even breathe and I... I just wanted you. To make me feel safe, to protect the baby. But you weren't there. And I thought... if I didn't do what Jack wanted... you might not be there at all. I saw what it did to you when Candice phoned, and that was for my benefit. I thought you were in danger and... I love you; I can't let bad things happen to you. I did what I thought I had to do to save my family. The idea, it made me sick, but I did it because otherwise, I was gonna be left with nothing and there's nothing worse. You might wanna leave me Phil and I... understand but I at least thought you'd have your baby. And I know that if... anything is wrong... it's just something else you're never gonna forgive me for. I'm so sorry. Just believe me... I'm never gonna forgive myself either..."
She's there crying so hard, she's practically choking on every other word. And I wish there was something I could do or say to make it alright. I made the baby happen for her, I know what it means and whatever I think she deserves, this was never it. She's waited too long. I want to tell her that I would if I could, but I can't blame her. I threw her off. I made her fall.
Murderer. Still nothing more than a murderer.
Silently, I get up from my chair, turning away from her and blinking furiously. She can't see what her words are doing to me, she just can't know I'm so weak. Because until we know the truth, this baby needs us.
"April Brooks, please?"
I tense, hearing April gasp frightfully at her summons. I force my composure as I help her up, guiding her through where the nurse directs. April winces as she obediently settles herself on the bed and I sink onto the hard plastic chair.
"Rita Hart, obstetrician, Mrs. Brooks-"
All the woman in the white coat with the watch swinging from her breast pocket gets is a whimper of recognition. She smiles sympathetically, glancing at me.
"And are you...?"
My laced hands pressed to my mouth, I nod. "I'm the father..."
She nods. "Right, OK. April, why don't you roll up your jumper lovely, and tell me what's happened. I've heard reports of a trauma to your abdomen and you're... twenty weeks pregnant is that right?"
"Mmmm." April manages, her face contorted in pain as she wriggles, forcing her hoodie away from her tummy. "I... oh God..."
"It's OK." Rita says soothingly. "Take your time. What happened sweetheart?"
She rolls her head to the side, her hair fanned around her, her brimming eyes searching mine, painfully. And I can't look away; my guilt keeps our gazes locked because I... I'm pleading with her on the inside.
Please... Please don't tell her what I did.
"I fell. I wasn't paying attention... tripped up over the kerb... wasn't exactly a soft landing..."
"I'm sure it wasn't. Now, this jelly will probably feel cold on your tummy, sorry."
April smiles weakly. It's not like that's what matters. But Rita looks pointedly to me as she lifts the tube of jelly.
"Why don't you give April your hand? Make it a bit easier on her?"
I blanch my lip, don't move. And April's eyes are on mine again and they know I just might not be able to do it. We don't fit together like we used to. We were supposed to be a family, and now, between us, we might have lost it all. But I made her scared. She thought she was saving me from Jack's threats. And yet it's me that's threatened the most precious thing of all. And I'm so sorry.
So I offer my hand and she holds it so gratefully, flinching as the jelly hits her skin, tremoring in fear as she looks towards the screen, the scanner moving purposefully across her tummy.
"Please-" she begs hoarsely after a few agonising eventless moments. "Please say our baby's OK-"
Rita gets up, leaning over the monitor and stepping back with this strap, wires tripping off it. I guess me and April look equally terrified. because she smiles softly and asks her to lift herself up so she can slide the strap beneath her. She secures it across her tummy and attachs the wires fuck knows where.
Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung...
"Nothing to worry about April." Rita points to the screen, the grainy image that both April and me recognise as our baby looking back at us; with its heart beating perfectly.
Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung...
"Your baby is alive and kicking... look..."
AJs P.O.V.
I just look at her, listening to the beat, hardly daring to believe it. I fold with the sheer relief, shuddering through my grateful tears, trying to smother sobs with my hand, because I know it will hurt to release them.
"Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much!"
Rita stands up, smiling softly. "It's my pleasure. I'll... uh... leave you with baby for a while, shall I? Sounds to me like he's got plenty to say to you both! Just... look after one another OK?"
But Phil and me are rigid as we watch her leave. He flinches as the door shuts behind her, and it's then I look down, by instinct, surprised to find his hand still pressed into mine. And that sob swells again. This time, I feel safer, let it take me over, speaking only to his hand, holding mine; too terrified to look up into his face, too scared of the emotions I might see, the emotions I might not.
Bravely, I whisper; "I swear, I won't ask you this ever again, but please... just hold me."
I bite into my lip, willing away the moments I find myself alone and ignored. Because I need him, right now, I need to feel that he shares in this tumult, that he now feels the breath-taking relief that soothes it all. I need him close, this... this is private. It's about us. I know we both expected a moment of grief, but the powers above that seem determined to curse our marriage, have rescued our child. So even if I may never have him again, I need more than I could put into words, to be with him for this moment of subdued elation.
I push myself up through my arms, sliding back against the bed, realising with a jolt that for this, I dislodged Phils' hand from mine. I throw him a frightful glance before I realise what it is I've done. And his lip's quivering as he bites at it. He won't let himself break in front of me. He doesn't trust me with his emotions anymore. But... he gets up and settles himself on the edge of the bed, sat against his hip, his arm sliding around my back.
And then that's it. He's here, holding me with all the strength he has left, shuddering and shaking as he buries his head in my shoulder, his silent tears trickling from his face and burning my skin. But I don't care. I hold him as close and as fiercely as is possible. Because I know that when he draws back, that's it. I let him go and he doesn't come back. Not to me. I lost my husband tonight, and God, my heart is in pieces but I understand. I knew the risk I was taking, the pain I would cause to the one I loved the most. But between us, we could have lost so much more. And we haven't. So I have to be grateful for this one last moment, thankful tears pouring from my eyes.
"He's OK, Phillip, it's alright!"
As his arms fall from around me, oh, I miss his touch already, I take his hand again, without thinking, pressing it on top on the strap that miraculously delivers our baby's rhythmic heartbeat to the room.
"Baby Brooks... holding on."
But his hand stiffens beneath mine and he turns his head away. "Don't."
"Please Phil... whatever I've done, your baby's still here. You have to believe in it!"
He gives me a piercing look, and I realise for the first time how red and sore his eyes appear.
"Like I did with you and me, you mean?"
I deserved that, I know I did. But it still hurts, breaking another piece of my heart.
"No. The baby won't let you down, he won't hurt you like I have... he'll never lose you."
"Yeah?" he questions doubtfully, speaking into his hands as they cover his mouth. "And what if I can't take that risk April? What if I can't put myself through that again?"
"You don't mean that. No! The baby hasn't done anything wrong! Listen to him, Phil, he's holding on to be a part of us!"
He straightens up a little, blinking slowly. It hurts to look at him, to see the defeat in his beautiful eyes, once alive with hope and love.
"But there isn't an "us" anymore. So what's he holding on for?"
His words stick like a razorblade cutting in my throat. He's despondent, I know, but as the words slip past his lips, he sounds like he's wishing his baby away. He can't be doing this. I broke his heart, he can hardly bear to look me in the eye, but when Rita showed us that the baby's heart was still beating, holding on to the promise of life we made for him, he held me, crying with relief. I saw the guilt in his eyes when Rita asked me how I came to fall. He couldn't bear to think he might have done anything to hurt our baby. Because he's blameless in all this. He's holding on because Mummy needs him to. I need to place him in Phils' arms and know that for all I will have lost, I provided Phil with another someone exclusive to love.
"For his Daddy." I protest tearfully. "To know his Daddy loves him! And I know you can't let that go, whatever I have done. What if we had lost him Phil? This was everything we ever dreamt about, and I won't be able to give you it again because we... won't be together, we can't... but I love you, and your baby's holding on because he knows that if I can't have you, then I still need part of you. I can't- I can't be left with nothing."
His eyes lock warningly on mine and I'll admit to a jolt of fear. "You could have had everything."
Another sob swells. "I know. I know and darlin', I'm so sorry. I never meant- I just... I need you to know something... before you... go."
He tilts his head expectantly, not saying a single word.
"I know you're probably wishing you never... met me and you'll walk out here and... you'll want to forget me. Because I know how you felt and I swear... I felt it too, and I... I couldn't bear to lose it. But if I have to, then you have to know that I'll never regret a second of you. Because I've got our baby in here, our children waiting for us, mine and yours, and that's it. However we work it out for you and the kids, there's no moving on, no nothing. I'll wake up with the baby and... every morning I'm going to be fallin' in love with you, just looking at them. And I'll be thanking God I found you. You were The One, you were everything and I'll... I'll never get over that. I'll never stop loving you, Phil, ever. Our children are going to make sure of that. I'm just... so sorry!"
Sorry and painfully aware that my children are effortlessly going to keep my love for their Daddy alive. Forever. He's just not going to let me do anything with it anymore - even though we both know he meant it. We'd never have made it to this place together if not.
He's still motionless, his body rigid, his glassy eyes no longer prepared to register that I am here in front of him even as he looks right at me. His attentions swerve round as there's a knock at the door and Rita slides back in, smiling apologetically, as if she expected there to be something to intrude on. But both me & Phil know there's nothing.
"Right, April we'll get all that off you in a second. I just wanted to let you know, I'd like to keep you in tonight."
"You said everything was alright." Phil mumbles anxiously.
"It is. It is. This is just routine, a precautionary measure if you like. We get to keep an eye on the baby...fetal monitoring and the like, and we can get your wife something for the pain she's suffering at the moment. Nothing more than that - both mom and baby will come home to you in fine form in the morning, I promise."
He sags, accepting of her words, just watching as she leans over me, removing the monitoring strap from around my tummy.
"Lovely. Pull down your jumper then April and I'll get you admitted. Perhaps your husband would... go and grab you a few things from home?"
Silently, Phil gets up and turns towards the door, leaving the room without a word. And I can't help but fear perhaps not. I never thought I'd be forced to live through this moment, but my husband has been offered an escape route. I think he'll take it. He's not going to come back. He knows now what he needed to do - the baby's alright. His concern isn't for me. As of this moment - my marriage is over