Chapter 10

I'd had a one night stand before. Only once. A few months after Jacob, I ran into some random guy at a house party. I don't really remember his name, I think it might have been Garrett. We went back to his place, fucked a few times and I was gone by morning. I saw him around campus a few times but we never talked after that.

It had meant nothing but I'd felt somewhat satisfied afterwards. It was proof to myself that my genes couldn't hold me back. I hadn't had any random hook-ups after that, I hadn't felt the need. I'd made my point.

But now I had a new point to make.

Angela sensed tension when I got into the cab and Ben peered over at me.

"What's crawled up your ass?" He asked eloquently and I glanced out of the cab window at Alice, who was standing outside my building, looking at a loss.

"Nothing. I need vodka." I said shortly, turning away from her pained expression. Angela patted my knee.

"Ask and you shall receive."

Eclipse was busy, everyone taking advantage of the cheap alcohol. I pushed my way to the bar and bought two rounds of shots with Ben. By the third shot and a cocktail to follow, I was feeling nicely buzzed. Ben was keeping me in fits of giggles with dirty jokes and Angela…

Angela was watching me. With a slightly concerned expression. Damn.

"Cheer up, Ange!" I poked her in the ribs and she waved my hand away.

"Bella, what is going on? You never do shots." She spoke loudly in my ear over the music and general noise of the bar.

"I need it tonight. I need a lot tonight." I said back, my eyes scanning the crowd.

"Like what?"

I hesitated and then turned back to the bar, downing the remainder of my drink before turning back to her.

"I need to dance."

We made our way to the dance floor, skirting around tables and people until we joined the jumping crowd. I fell into the rhythm of the music, turning to the side so that Angela and Ben could have a little privacy as they danced together. After a few moments of 'couple dancing', Ben grabbed my hand and spun both of us around. I laughed, he was such a dork sometimes.

I danced. I drank. I ignored the tug in my ribcage. I ignored the gnawing, unwelcome guilt that settled heavily on my heart as I caught the eye of a cute, blond guy. He was dancing with a couple of friends and he offered a grin. I returned a light smile, tossing my hair over my shoulder. Angela was watching me and she understood what I was going to do. Her expression said everything.

This isn't a good idea.

Yeah, well. This was what I wanted.

The guilt wrapped around my heart like a scarf, almost choking me.

I turned away from her, looking back at the blond guy. He moved away from his friends and bent down to my ear, his hands resting on my waist.

"I'm Mike."

"Bella." I said in his ear as we began to dance together. His hips moved against mine and his cologne enveloped me and I wrapped my arms around his neck as we moved. His cheek rested against the side of my head, tender, almost too affectionate.

The tug in my ribcage was almost painful now and pulsed sharply as I inhaled. He smelt… wrong? No, not wrong, just not right. Mike's hands moved over my hips and waist. I lifted my head and caught sight of a guy leaning against the wall over Mike's shoulder.

Green eyes were staring back at me. Hurt, bewildered, resigned.

My heart pounded irrationally. No, it protested, this isn't right!

I tore my eyes away from the green eyes and looked up at dull blue ones. Mike smiled and lowered his face to mine. His lips were warm and gentle and he pulled me close and it was all pleasant. I kissed back, determined, bringing my hand up to his hair, pulling him closer still, desperate to feel something that wasn't so agonising.

This isn't right!

Something punched me in the ribs. Pain, guilt, disgust at my actions, at my reaction to Mike, to Edward, to everything I had done.

I fell back, untangling myself from Mike's hands. He looked down at me in confusion and moved towards me again, but I held up my hands in front of me, feeling tears threatening. I shook my head and moved past him towards the door. I would text Angela later. I had to get out of here, I had to relieve this pain. This was almost worse than the illness, it was so so bad because the guilt was filling me with anxiety and making my heart beat faster than could be safe.

The night air was cold and made the tears that rolled down my face icy. I sniffed, fighting back a sob as I fell towards the road, waving for a cab. None of them stopped and I wiped my face, holding up my hand and leaning forward, desperate to get away, to get home.

"Bella."

I turned.

Edward was a few feet away, holding open the door of a cab. I lowered my hand slowly, staring at him. He didn't speak but gestured to the open door. His expression was one of sadness and pain, but there was… caring behind it too.

I walked towards him, aware that my face was tear streaked, feeling the pull in my ribcage. Even as it pulsed, I saw Edward reach up and press his hand to that same spot on his own ribs. He saw me watching but didn't say anything.

He helped me into the cab, gave the driver my address and then stepped back. I watched as he stood on the sidewalk, watching my cab pull away.

I pulled my knees up into my chest and cried all the way home.

A/N: I usually post chapters after getting back from school, but I understand I was something of a biotch with that last chapter, so here. I'm so glad that some of you are seeing past the insane bitch that is Bella and actually getting her logic as well! But, yeah, 'raging bitch' was probably an accurate assessment of the last chapter…

Love

Katie