DAR No Country Dinner Over Drive
Daria is the creation of Glenn Eichler and is the property of MTV Viacom. Harry Potter is the creation of JK Rowling and is owned by JK Rowling and Warner Brothers. I own neither. I neither expect nor deserve financial compensation for this story. I am writing for my own amusement and for ego gratification
Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country*
By now the remaining victims of the robbers, magical and muggle, customers and restaurant staff, realized that the robbers had been taken down and that the danger was over. Conversation began again, howbeit mostly with low murmurs. The wizard-diner who had petrified the male robber spoke up. "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? The situation is now under control. The bad guys have been neutralized and the Marshals will be along in a couple of minutes," he said.
Iago watched the diners who had spread out on the floor began to get on their feet or return to their seats. Well, that's over and done with, he thought. I wonder what happens next? Iago's relief was brutally interrupted when another diner jumped up and yelled "Alright, Nobody move! Everybody stay put until the cops get here!" Iago looked in the direction of the third idiot and cursed when he saw that this idiot also had a pistol, an impressive-looking chrome plated-one.
Iago looked at the gunman and saw that (A) he was clearly Muggle and (B) he didn't know what the hell he was doing. Iago wondered if he'd have to be one of the wizards who'd have to deal with this new idiot. He'd drawn his wand and set it down on the table; being caught once without his wand handy was more than enough. He'd rather not try his chances; he was no Gryffindor and he knew it. Still, cursing silently, he picked up his wand to perform a disillusionment spell on himself.
To Iago's relief, the third pistol-waving Muggle's antics were abruptly halted when another wizard jabbed his wand into the pistol-waver's back and growled into his ear "Put your hands up, _e, or you're dead meat!" To emphasize his peril, a witch that Iago hadn't noticed earlier walked in front of the would-be hero and pointed her wand at him. The wizard standing behind the Muggle pulled his pistol from his grasp.
"What the hell are all you witches doing here?" asked the would-be rescuer.
"Trying to eat dinner, what the H_ do you think, _hat?" said another wizard who hadn't apported away.
Iago heard a couple of guffaws and snorts of laughter, some nervous, some not, from some of the other diners. Iago was pretty sure that a couple of people who were amused were Muggles. He found himself smiling, too. It was funny.
The wizard who'd disarmed the rescuer looked at the would-be hero's open-mouthed companion, who was watching the goings-on in shock. "Please tell me that's the only piece at your table," he said.
The diner raised his hands off the table, shook his head vigorously, and said "Yeah, that's all."
"Good," said the wizard. "We can all sit down and have coffee and dessert."
"Fine by me," the would-be resuer's companion said hastily.
"You," said the wizard to the would-be hero. "What's your name?"
"Trevor," the would-be hero replied.
"Trevor, sit down and shut up," said the wizard. Trevor sat down and shut up.
"What next?" said Iago to his rescuer.
"Well, with any luck the Marshals will be here in a couple of minutes to clean things up," he said.
"The Marshals?" asked Iago in puzzlement.
"You must be British or something," said the American wizard. "You all call them auras, auries, aurors, something like that, don't you?"
"We call them Aurors," said Iago.
"We don't call them Aurors here in the States. We call our Aurors Marshals."
"I don't think I caught your name," said the American wizard with a smile. "My name is Hiram Black."
"I'm Iago Hook," said Iago. "I'm a tourist from Great Britain."
"If it makes you feel better, Mr. Hook, this sort of thing doesn't happen every day."
Hiram smiled and gave a brief chuckle of amusement. "Those two idiots would pick a restaurant across the street from a floo terminal," said the American wizard, shaking his head at their stupidity.
The American Aurors arrived moments later and set about securing the dining room and the rest of the steak house. A couple of them went to the restaurant entrance and tried to keep would-be diners from entering and the Muggle diners caught up in the robbery from exiting.
Iago wondered where Arcturus and Kreacher apported to and if they knew how to apport back to the restaurant. His musing was cut short when he heard Arcturus' voice roaring "And I'm a bloody wizard! My companion is in there and so is my dinner!"
Moments later, Iago saw Arcturus and Kreacher walk over to their booth. The American Auror at the door must have been abashed enough to let him come inside.
"The—Marshals—have the two gunmen, Sir," said Iago. "They also have a third Muggle. The idiot panicked at the sight of magic and pulled out his own pistol. He's been disarmed."
Arcturus looked at the American wizard that Iago had clearly been talking to, looked at Iago and raised his eyebrows.
"Sir, this is Hiram Black," said Iago. "He petrified the woman gunman and then helped disarm both of them after they'd been neutralized."
"How do you do, sir?" said Arcturus, extending his hand. "I am Arcturus Black. Thank you for saving my companion."
"Pleasure to meet you, sir," said Hiram Black.
Both the Black patriarch and the American wizard looked at each other, bemused to see that they both shared the same surname.
Arcturus looked the American wizard over. The American wizard was broader-framed, shorter-armed, and had a larger nose and bigger ears. He looked like a Muggle tradesman instead of an aristocratic pureblood. Probably not near-kin, though we may have share common ancestors back in the time of the Druids, he thought. The American wizard was dressed Muggle-style; Arcturus wondered if he did business with Muggles, or was merely trying not to stand out when passing through Muggle territory.
Iago saw a woman and a young boy detach themselves from the crowd talking to the Marshals and walk over to them.
"Hiram," said the woman warningly. Surely he wasn't married to a Muggle, he thought. No, she was holding a wand.
"Mr. Black,this is my wife Jolene," said Hiram. "Jolene, this is Arcturus Black and his companion Iago Hook. And I didn't catch your name, fella," he said to the House Elf, who'd decided to drop his glamour.
"How do you do, Madam Black?" said Arcturus. "And this is my house-elf Kreacher."
Kreacher looked dubiously at the American wizard who would dare claim the surname of the Noble and Ancient House of Black. Arcturus caught the house elf's eye and slowly shook his head as if to say "Don't say anything."
"And this is our boy Toby," said Hiram Black.
The boy looked much like his sire, although Arcturus could see his mother's influence in his features. The younger Black held a sketchbook. The boy looked awed. He'd never seen English wizards before, at least not dressed in English wizarding style. He probably hadn't seen house elves, either. Well, this experience should count as part of the young man's education.
"Hiram, you're getting a little old to play Wyatt Earp," Jolene said reprovingly.
"Maybe," said Hiram. "But that girl was a menace with her pistol and that guy wasn't another Anton Chigurh."
"And may I ask what you do for a living, Mister Black?" asked Arcturus.
"I make and sell cooking and restaurant supplies," he said. "I recently expanded into the Habanero market."
"Habanero?" said Arcturus.
"Habanero," said Hiram Black. "The word came from hava-no."Arcturus and Iago still looked confused. "You know, No-Majs." Hiram Black paused in thought; the English wizards still hadn't guessed what he was talking about. "You Englishmen call them Muggles."
"Is that difficult?" asked Arcturus.
"Not that difficult," said Hiram Black. "You do have to file different papers with the Habanero authorities and keep separate books. Technically, it's a separate company, even if do we own it."
"And yourself, sir?" asked Hiram Black.
"I'm retired," said Arcturus, mischief rising in the back of his mind. "I expect that young Hook here will be searching for steady employment after we return to Britain."
"You don't say?" said Hiram Black. He turned to Iago. "Fella, I could use a salesman and trade representative in your part of the world soon. Think you're up to it?"
Whatever Iago was expecting, he wasn't expecting this. A job offer? Selling cook ware? It sounded more attractive than being an entry-level clerk at the Ministry or selling treacle from a cart in Diagon Alley. Could he do it? Possibly. And if things didn't work out, he wasn't much worse off than he was before.
Carpe diem, his Austrian lover had told him.
"I just might," said Iago, "after Lord Black and I return to Britain."
"Good deal," said Hiram. "I am looking for a witch or wizard who can handle the Muggle world as well as our own. Here's my business card. I've got both my wizarding and my Habanero addresses on here. Send me your resume after you get home."
"I got some samples out in the car. I was at a Habanero trade show in Dallas; I'm driving back to Abilene. I plan to sell here in the US, but I do want to expand into Britain and Continental Europe."
"What's going to happen with those three Muggles?" asked Arcturus.
"I reckon the Marshals will take the first two into custody," said Hiram. "They committed attempted armed robbery in a restaurant where about half the diners were magical. The Habanero DA doesn't get them."
"And the third one?"
"I reckon he'll be obliviated and let go," said Hiram Black. "But dollars to donuts says that he won't get his piece back."
The Marshals began letting people go. The obviously magical folk were by and large allowed to leave. Progress was a bit slower with the Muggles. Those Muggles who were knowingly with magical friends and relatives and thus just as committed to keeping the International Statutes of Secrecy were also allowed to make their departures. The remaining Muggles were going to have to stay put and be obliviated.
"How are you, young Hook?" asked Arcturus. "You were in a sticky situation."
"I feel very shaken," said Iago, "but I learned something about what happens when I get a bit of a fright: the after-effects don't hit me for about seven hours. If we can get to Highland by then, we shouldn't have any problems with my driving."
Iago saw that young Toby was studying Kreacher while holding his sketch pad. The house elf responded by glaring back at the boy, who affected not to be bothered. The boy drew what Iago recognized as a mechanical pencil from his pocket and drew a couple of lines in his small sketch book.
"Lord Black, would you mind accompanying us to our car?" asked Hiram.
Arcturus Black could tell that neither Hiram nor Jolene were Occulemenses. Curious, he decided to accompany them. The American Blacks hadn't parked that far away from where Iago had parked the rental car.
The American wizard lifted the hood of his trunk and opened a case.
"We do plan to expand into the overseas magical and muggle markets eventually," said Hiram. "I would ask you to take a couple of samples."
"Hiram," Jolene began warningly.
"It's business, Jolene," said Hiram, "and I have a good feeling about the younger fella."
Mrs. Black remained skeptical.
"So who does the cooking at your place, Lord Black?" asked Hiram Black.
"My house elves," said Arcturus.
"Well, maybe I should have made my pitch to him instead," said Hiram, looking at Kreacher. Kreacher had reassumed his glamour as a small boy.
The American wizard pulled out a small case of cooking knives. "Samples," he said, and presented it to Kreacher.
Arcturus saw that while Kreacher was bothered by the American wizard's egalitarian manners.
"Mister Kreacher, what do you think?" asked Hiram Black.
Arcturus watched as the house elf first drew a butcher knife, then a couple of carving knives, and experimentally hefted them. Kreacher made a non-commital "Hmmph" noise, but said nothing else. Nevertheless, Arcturus could tell by Kreacher's body language that he was impressed in spite of himself, although the house elf would never, ever admit it to anyone.
"We'll take it," said Arcturus. "And thank you."
They shook hands and the American wizard closed the lid of his trunk. Then he, his wife, and his son got into their car and started the engine.
"I think we can go now," said Iago.
By all means," said Arcturus. "The day isn't getting any younger, so let's be off,"
The three Britons walked over to their car and got in, pausing only as Iago opened the trunk and placed their new cutlery. They then got on the motorway. They did not travel to Highland as swiftly as Arcturus had hoped. Muggle road construction trapped them on the motorway leading from the airfield where they'd landed and Iago, Arcturus, and Kreacher were stuck on an overpass with little to do but look at Muggle lorries and automobiles and a vista showing a wide divided highway cutting through a neighborhood of low-rise Muggle apartment buildings. Arcturus wondered how far that neighborhood sprawled and how many Muggles must live there.
This particular motorway was called a loop, but Arcturus found that the motor traffic moved as slowly as water on the lower Thames. Arcturus looked at the drivers and passengers of the vehicles in front and to either side of the rental car. Most of them had the look and feel of Muggles. He wondered about a couple of the other drivers. Could they be magical folk too? Clearly some American magical folk drive automobiles like their Muggle. He wondered how they dealt with traffic blockages like this one. A few minutes later he had his answer: he saw a couple of automobiles sidling through the stalled traffic like serpents gliding through underbrush.
It took the better part of two hours to get clear of the airport and the sprawl of roadways, shops, warehouses, and dwellings that constituted greater Fort Worth. So many Muggles, thought Arcturus. He hadn't really considered how many Muggles there were in the world before he'd started traveling again. He'd known that Muggles vastly outnumbered the wizarding community, but he hadn't realized by just how much they outnumbered them. The thought was worrisome.
Kreacher looked around disapprovingly at the stalled and slow-moving Muggle automobiles and sniffed disapprovingly. "Are we there yet?" he asked.
Traffic eased up a bit, and Iago was finally able to get off the loops and onto the westbound Interstate. His progress was delayed by a Muggle military convoy slowed traffic moving west from Fort Worth.
Iago spoke little while driving. Arcturus amused himself by opening the highway map that had come with the rental car. Many of the towns and cities had colorful names: Fort Worth, White Settlement, Palo Pinto, Cisco. The car drove past Weatherford. There was a turnoff for someplace called Mineral Wells. His guidebook said that there were still mineral springs there and a resort once frequented by wizarding folk as well as Muggles, but that the resort had closed after the Second Great Muggle War.
"Are we there yet?" said Kreacher irritably.
"No," said Arcturus shortly.
The house elf returned to his silent brooding.
Arcturus was amazed at the immensity of this country as well as how ugly he found it. He'd heard that Texas was larger than France, but he'd had difficulty believing it until he and Iago drove across it.
It was now very late in the afternoon and the sun was sinking low in the sky when Iago drove through Abilene. Arcturus had heard of an Abilene from cowboy movies he'd seen at Muggle cinemas before the Grindelwald War, although he doubted that this was the one in question. He remembered that the cowboys were constantly driving cattle either to Abilene or someplace else called Dodge City.
Shortly after they'd left Abilene behind them, Arcturus noticed signs along the roadway announcing the upcoming exits for Dyess Air Force Base. The Muggles were still using it, and Arcturus was able to watch a large military jet fly over the roadway and then presumably land at the airfield that must be to the south. Unlike the aeroplanes he'd seen on Bermuda, this one was clearly an attack aircraft of some sort. It looked fast and sleek and even in the fading light he could see that it was painted in a camouflage pattern that reminded him of the Muggle attack aircraft he'd seen flying overhead while he was fighting in the Grindelwald War and the Muggles busied themselves with the Second Great Muggle War. Watching the jet made him thoughtful. He wondered just how fast it could go; he wouldn't be surprised if it could break the sound barrier. Thinking about the jet made him wonder about the wisdom of those who said that the Wizarding world could wage war on its Muggle counterpart and gain a quick and cheap victory.
He supposed that it might be possible for the combined witches and wizards of the world to subdue their Muggle counterparts. He thought of the story of the Ancient Greek Muggle king Pyrrus who had fought the Romans and won, but at great cost He feared that a victorious war against the Muggles, if possible, would come at an even more hideous cost.
Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country* Daria Ravenclaw: No Country*
Author's notes: As you can see, this is not the canon Harry Potter universe. Nor is it the canon Daria/Beavis and Butthead universe. This work is alternate universe in both story lines.
Some may wonder why I called American Aurors Marshals. My reason is simple: I wrote this story from a Daria fan's perspective. While most Daria fans are also knowledgeable about the world of Harry Potter and Newt Scamander, not all of them are. Calling Aurors Marshals gives non-HP fans a fast heads-up as to the characters' role.
I chose to call non-magical humans Habaneros. The word is derived from the post-World War II phrase "hava-no." Since Texas does border on Mexico, and since many Texas wizards and witches are Spanish-speaking Latinos (Not all of them, though), I thought that calling Muggles Habaneros would be a nice dodge for wizardkind and show how American wizarding slang had changed from Newt Scamander's youth.