A/N: Try again...Sorry, I got annoyed by the alert issues...xD

I'm still pretty shaken from 47 seconds... I can't freakin wait for next Monday but well, in the meantime I try to keep myself busy with writing this story and my bachelor dissertation... (emphasis on *try* xD)

I am pretty much spoilerfree for Monday and I'm so glad I managed it again xD soooo hard these days, especially on FB and Twitter...seriously, ths spoilers on my TL, thank god I have my list =) Well, as I said before, no matter what happens in the next few epis, this story will continue the way I planned it, even if all secrets come out on the show or not, I will stick to my way here. I know I got influeneced a little by last Mondays epi while writing this chapter but I think it still works.

Now, first case, then something else, I hope you'll like it.

Thanks again for reading.

Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters... Well, at least not the main ones, the Downings are my ones xD

Chapter 9

Beckett stared at the woman and only heard Ryan and Esposito approach. Both of them had heard the woman's confession and were just as astounded as Beckett and Castle.

"Come again?" Beckett asked when she finally found her voice again.

"I am his birth mother…" the woman said again.

"I think we got that…" Castle exclaimed, "what we still don't know is who you are."

The woman nodded and Beckett noticed how tired she looked and got up.

"Please follow me, we can talk in there," she said, pointing to the interview room and both Castle and the woman followed her. Even Ryan and Esposito mad an attempt of following but Beckett waved them off with a shake of her hand, knowing fully well, that it was less likely to get anything out of this woman if not just two but four people were listening to her.

She closed the door behind her and offered the woman a seat that she gratefully took. Both Castle and Beckett now noticed that the woman not only looked tired but that there was a nervous glint in her eyes, like a deer that was knew a fox was after it but didn't know where the enemy was. The woman sat pretty much on the edge of her seat, ready to run.

"Okay, from the start again," Beckett said in a calm voice and the woman nodded.

"My name is Tracy Alden. Only…you probably know me as Melissa Payton."

Castle and Beckett who had both looked at each other with a shrug at hearing the first name but as soon as she said Marissa both almost did a double turn in their seats.

"Melissa Payton? The Melissa Payton? Sister of Carrie Downing-Payton? Who disappeared from the face of the earth ears ago?"

The woman nodded. "Yes, that one."

The detective shared another confused look with the writer before focusing on the task at hand again.

"And you are saying that you are Matthew's birthmother?"

Again Melissa nodded.

"Would you care to explain?"

Again, just a nod. Beckett waited patiently for Melisa to say something.

"I…You have to promise me that you will try to keep this quiet, keep me out of anything public. If he finds me I am dead. I am already a dead woman walking."

"Who is he?"

"That doesn't matter…He just can't find out!"

"We can protect you," Castle tried to reassure her but she shook her head no.

"Don't you understand. I told you my name was Tracy Alden. I am not even supposed to be here. I'm throwing myself into the line of fire. I've never done a decent thing in my life except for giving Matthew to my sister. I've never done anything for either of my boys. I can't rescue either of them anymore but I can help Matthew find peace. That's why I'm here. But no one can know! I am supposed to be in Witsec!"

Melissa sounded so desperate and the mention of Witness protection showed Beckett that the woman was serious so she gave in and gave a curt nod.

"I'll see what I can do."

Melissa looked at her, gratefully and then she began her story.

"You have probably seen my records," she said matter-of-factly, "You must know that I've been in jail. Well, the thing that probably isn't in the records is that I gave birth there. It was my first son, Connor. I couldn't raise him in prison, that just wasn't an option. Carissa and I had already broken all contact and my parents didn't even want to talk about me anymore let alone with me. I didn't know what to do but the choice was taken from me anyway. I got a visit from a man one day. He told the warden that he was the father of my son and that he wanted to take him with him to raise him until I got out. His records were checked, they were clean and well, it seemed like the best way to get my son out of prison life. But I didn't want to do it. I knew that this man was one of his men. I'll call him Chris, which isn't his name. Chris was the reason I was in prison, he was the reason I got knocked up and I didn't want Connor to live with him but I had no choice. They would've found a way anyway so I gave that man who pretended to be Connor's father my son, knowing he would grow up with his real father but also with violence, gang wars, drug lords and all this kinds of scumbags. So after I got back on my feet I did the one thing I could do. I made a deal. I traded information on the gang for my early freedom. But I didn't know what came with it, that basically I didn't have any freedom anymore from that moment on. My statement made it possible to raid some of the places and a few gang members were busted, I think even Chris got to do some time. I don't really know. I had to enter Witsec the moment I got out. Chris's men would have killed me for betraying them. I was sent to Europe, France to be exact. I managed to somewhat build a new live. I was Claire then and I had met someone I thought I could spend the rest of my life with."

She sighed, remembering the time where she'd actually been able to live and missed the look that Beckett gave Castle. It was full of longing but he didn't see it either, he was too intrigued by Melissa's story.

"Well, it ended. Pretty quickly," she continued. "Chris found me. To this day I do not know how and to this day I hardly know how I managed to get out of the situation. He is a cruel, cruel man with no compassion at all. He held me hostage, raped me, made me do things that still haunt me in my dreams. Somehow I escaped. I managed to find a way out, went straight to the police and called the Federal Marshal who was responsible for my case. He set up a new identity for me, sent me to England and well…into a nunnery. Just as a visitor though. The nunnery was also home to one of the best private medical clinics and when I realised that that son of a bitch had knocked me up again I knew that there was only one thing for me to do.

The clinic being in a nunnery though, I wasn't allowed to have an abortion. So I did the only other thing I could. I contacted my sister. I had to do it through the Marshall 'cause anything else would probably have failed and alerted Chris again. To my utter astonishment, Carrie came to England with the whole family. She told me that she just had a miscarriage and was ready to take my child as her own. It was all I needed and I thought the story would end there. Matty was born, my sister and her family took him back to the states and I lived in Witsec again, not knowing that somehow Chris had found out about my pregnancy and was looking for the child.

The rest I don't know for certain but I'm quite sure that it was him who took my son."

With this she stopped, looked at the detective first, than the writer, not sure whether it was a good idea or not to tell them.

Castle looked at Beckett. This, if it was true, was their best lead yet. It basically explained everything, it made sense and if they could only find some real proof, the case could move forward pretty quickly. For some reason though both didn't think it'd be this easy.

Beckett thanked Melissa for her cooperation but the woman gave a wave of the hand, saying it was the least she could do. She also said again that she didn't want anyone to know about this, especially not her sister. Carrie had taken her son with her to raise him but as soon as he had him the contact had broken off again.

Beckett reassured her again that she would try her best.

"Do you have a safe place to go?" she then asked and Melissa nodded.

"I'm in a Witsec house. They're not thrilled that I'm back in the states but I just had to come."

She was then escorted to the elevator by Beckett and Castle.

"Thank you again. How can we reach you in case there is something else?"

"Contact the Federal Marshals Office, they'll contact me."

Beckett nodded and gave her her card in return. "In case you need help or want to tell us something else."

With this Melissa got into the elevator and Beckett turned to debrief her team.

"I'm telling you, it's so frustrating!"

She was sitting opposite her best friend over dinner now and had just told her about the newest development in the case. They had worked on finding anything on the man Melissa had called Chris for the rest of the afternoon and at 6 o'clock Beckett had said she didn't want to cancel her dinner with Lanie. She'd told the boys to find out as much as they could, call the prison where Melissa did her time, talk to the Federal Marshals Office in case they knew something, basically just dig as deep as they could. Not that she had to tell them, they were already on it but she couldn't leave not knowing that she'd given them a task.

"Don't work on it too long though, we all need a break," she'd said and smiled at Castle before she left.

"Can we stop talking about the case now?" her friend asked and Kate rolled her eyes.

Why had she wanted to have dinner with Lanie again? She should've known that the ME would figure out that it was about more than just catching up on girl talk.

"Fine," she gave in, "let's talk about you and Javi."

Lanie looked at her, eyes open wide. "There's nothing to tell!" she exclaimed indignantly but Kate laughed.

"Yeah right. You can't hide anything from me, you should know that by now. So tell me, what's going on?"

"Nuh-uh, you go first, girl. Like you can hide anything from me. What's going on with you and writer-boy?"

Kate blushed lightly although there was really still nothing more than before but it was the reason she wanted to meet Lanie after all. Still, she denied it.

"Lanie, we're just partners!"

"Suuuure. How long have the two of you been working together now? Geez, Kate, do something, it's driving me crazy watching the two of you dance around each other all the time and not taking it any further!"

"Lanie!"

"Come on, you can't still deny that you care about him."

"I don't. I mean deny it. But this is not why I wanted to catch up with you…"

Change of subject, at least a little bit. That's what she needed now. This conversation was going into dangerous territory far too fast.

Lanie raised an eyebrow at her friend. She knew exactly what Kate was doing but she'd have enough time to persuade her to finally open up to Castle later.

"Fine. What is it that you wanted to talk about?" she sighed.

Kate didn't respond for a while, taking a few bites of her meal. She didn't quite know how to start this. It just really was too weird.

"Do you ever remember your dreams?" she finally asked. Start the subject slowly. Establish a story. It's what she did best. Well no, she was best at detecting, Castle was the one establishing the stories that went with what she finds but she's learned a few things from her writer in the past years too.

Again, Lanie raised an eyebrow. "Sometimes."

She said it more like a question, not getting where this was going.

"And do you think they have any significance?"

"Again…Sometimes? Why on earth are you asking me about dreams? I thought this was more serious…"
"It is! I…God, I have no idea what's going on with me, Lanie.

I never remember my dreams but lately I've had weird ones. Like really weird. Castle was in them."
"Oh, now we're talking!"

"Not like that…"

"Uh-huh…"

"Lanie, I don't remember what they were about…Not really anyways."

"Girl, I don't think every dream has significance but come on, are you seriously asking me if you dreaming about Castle has any significance? Isn't it obvious?"

Kate sighed, they were back at this point way faster than she'd thought they would.

"It's not what I meant. Let's start again. I've been having strange dreams. Ever since I got shot. I know that some of them are returning all the time but I can't remember what they were about. I only get bits and pieces. It's like I remember things…weird things…"

"From the shooting too?" Lanie interrupted and Kate blushed. She still hadn't told Lanie that she never forgot. Maybe that was the right time to do so and before she could think too much about the consequences she shook her head no at Lanie's question.

"No. Not about the shooting. I don't have to. Lanie…" she paused, still a little unsure. "I…Please don't judge me, okay."

The way her friend said this made Lanie worried. What horrible thing could Kate tell her that would make her beg for her not to judge? It wasn't really like her.

"Go on…"

"I…I never forgot. How could I."

Lanie looked at her, speechless. The info needed to sink in first and it was a hard thing to process. Had her best friend just told her that she remembered the shooting? That she'd remembered all along? Of course Lanie didn't know yet what Kate had actually hidden by telling she didn't remember but this was big news anyways. She hadn't trusted her with something like this for almost a year. Lanie really asked herself what was going on now. After they sat in silence for a while, Kate watching her friend worriedly, waiting for her to say something, Lanie opened her mouth. Then closed it again, still not quite ready.

"You…you remembered? You never forgot about that day?" she finally asked.

Beckett shook her head. "Never."

"Why? Why did you tell everyone that you don't remember?"

"Because I heard something that day that I wasn't ready for," she said in almost a whisper and the way she said it made Lanie stare at her. She felt that this was big. Huge even.

"Kate? What was it?"

"Castle," she just said.

"Castle what?"

"He…He told me something. No, confessed is the better word."

Lanie took a sip from her drink, waiting for Kate to spit it out. She did have something in mind of course but she didn't want to believe that this was it because if it was she was going to kill her friend.

Kate realised that Lanie wasn't going to say something, that she was going to wait for her to say it and so she did.

"Lanie…he said it…He told me he loved me while I was lying on the ground, bleeding."

It was a whisper again but Lanie heard it. It almost made her spill her drink. It was as bad as she'd thought.

"Kate, are you kidding me? He confessed his love to you, you remembered all this time and didn't say anything, pretended to not remember?" she said pretty loud so that a few other people in the restaurant looked up from their tables and threw her some nasty or interested glances.

"Keep it down, please…"

"Keep it down? Girl, do you even realise what this means? He loves you!"

"I know."

"What about you?"

"Do you even need to ask?"

It was the first time she admitted it to Lanie. Well, to anybody except her therapist for that matter.

"No, I don't really. But why did you hide it from him then?"

"Lanie, I was with Josh at the time. I…I didn't think Castle and I would have a chance anyway. He had been with Gina after the summer, he pretty much broke my heart back then. I knew I shouldn't get too deeply involved with him, shouldn't enjoy his company as much as I did but I thought giving it a try might work. I wanted to but it ended the way I thought it would. Badly. He left to the Hamptons with his ex and left me wondering if he could ever be an honest man.

He may have been speaking from his heart when I was lying on the ground but maybe he was just saying it because I was dying and he thought it was the right thing to say. I don't want it to be forced by something like this."

"Kate, stop it, right now. He loves you, every blind man can see that. He's followed you around for longer than necessary, he stays with you, he's there for you, all the time."

"I know. It's just. I wasn't ready. I couldn't handle it. It scared me, still does. What am I supposed to do?"

It was quite something for the self-assured detective to ask her friend for help, for reassurance. She always knew what to do, she was the strongest person Lanie had ever met and yet when it came to matters of love she seemed more lost than anybody else.

"Tell him."

"But, what do I tell him. I don't even know if I can."

"For goodness sake, just do it Kate. You're standing in the way of your own happiness."

Kate shook her head. "I'm damaged goods. We both know this. I'm not good for him. I don't want him having to deal with me the way I am, broken and all."

Lanie sighed heavily. "Did you hear what I just said before? He sticks around, he's done that for years now. Do you really think he can't put up with you? He knows who you are and he loves you despite of it, probably even because of it!"

"It's still complicated. He'll hate me for hiding from him that I knew, that I remembered. He'll think I don't care about him."

"No, he won't. I'm sure he'll be hurt but he deserves to know. And Kate, it'd be worse if he found out himself!"

"He won't."

"You can't be sure of that."

"You won't tell him."

"Of course I won't. He still might find out by himself."

"You really think I should do it?"

"Hell yes, I don't know what you're waiting for, what you have been waiting for."

"The right moment? I still don't think I'm ready…And those dreams, they confuse me even more."

"Tell me about them."

"I can't. I don't remember them that well." Kate sighed and the two women ate in silence for a while, one waiting for the other to speak, the other waiting for the right words to come. Finally she decided to just give it a try.

"They seem like dreams but also like memories. You know what I mean?"

Lanie first shook her head, then nodded. "I guess. Kinda."

Kate, knowing exactly what Lanie meant, went on. "You know how sometimes the question comes up whether someone dreams in black and white or colour, if you can hear sound or if everything is mute, if you are a bystander that watches from above or are in the middle of the dream? Well, for me it is like being in the middle of it but also being a bystander. I see myself in the dreams first, but then I am in the dream but not as myself as I am now. As myself in earlier times. The first time I had a dream like this was in the hospital. I can't really remember, I think I wasn't in surgery yet. I couldn't feel anything anymore and I don't even think I was asleep, I was just unconscious. I had one of those out of body experiences I think and then the "dream" started. I saw myself and my grandfather in the magic shop. Do you remember that case? Zalmon Drake?"

Lanie confirmed with a nod and Kate went on. "I dreamed or saw or whatever it was that I was thirteen years old again and in the shop with my grandfather and I met Castle there."

Lanie almost chocked again. "You did what? Are you saying that you two have met before he started following you around?"

"That's what I don't know, Lanie. I mean, Castle told me during that case that he's always loved going to the shop when he was younger. I told him that I went there too. It probably was just my mind playing tricks on me, a wishful thinking of an earlier meeting. It is the only dream or memory that I actually remember, all the others I had and still have are a blur."

"What do you remember from the other ones?"

"Rick and his family. Me talking to them, Alexis being a totally adorable little kid that seems to like me every time…"

"Kate, maybe it is just fate telling you something."

This made Beckett laugh. "Yeah right, what kind of twist would that be?"

"Easy, a twist of fate," Lanie gave back with a wink.

The two women laughed and ate in silence again for a couple of minutes.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"What? That I remember or the dreams?"

"Both?"

"I don't know Lanie. I can't wrap my head around the dreams. I don't know what good it would do. I got shot after all, it might just be an aftermath, some kind of trauma. Instead of the amnesia… And about that… I think I need to find the right moment and I can't see this one coming any time soon." When she saw the look on Lanie's face she hurried to add that she promised to do it at some point, only half satisfying her friend.

"You know I won't give you a quiet minute until I know you've told him."

"I know," Kate answered with a chuckle. "Thanks Lanie. I know you don't quite agree with my choices but thanks for listening and helping me."

Her friend smiled and nodded. "Note a problem at all."

They spent the rest of the evening talking about lighter things, Kate questioning Lanie about her relationship with Esposito again. She'd noticed some little things going on between the two again. For one they had stopped arguing or worse, ignoring each other. Lanie grinned sheepishly, knowing she wasn't able to hide it from Kate. But she emphasised that it wasn't anything serious, that they were just having some fun and that they would see where it was going. No pressure, no relationship, no boundaries. That's what they needed at the moment.

Kate sincerely hoped that it would work out. Lanie and Javi were made for each other, she was sure of that. Now she only had to be sure about one other thing and that was that she and Castle belonged together too. That she wasn't bad for him but she wasn't ready to believe that yet.

Well, this went a slightly different way then I originally intended...But I think I like how it turned out, I hope you do too ;D

And yes, some of you guessed right about Matty's real mother =)

Hit the review button and tell me what you think.

xx