Hello sweethearts! Happy early Valentine's Day! If you don't have a Valentine, well, I love you! & If you don't celebrate it then uh...happy Thursday! =D A big thank you goes out to the people who have favorited, followed, reviewed & bothered to read this far! All of you are my Valentine's this year :3
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The good news was: we didn't get arrested & hauled off to jail. The bad news: we didn't get arrested & hauled off to jail so we were forced to stay put until a parent or guardian came to pick us up. Considering Grimmjow, Mayuri & Bainne were adults they didn't have to stay but they did anyway for their boyfriends, which I was really glad of. Grimmjow's presence helped keep me calm.
"Ichigo, Ichigo. Come on now, baby, calm down"
I swallowed thickly. "He's going to tan my hide like leather. Oh God, deliver me, please"
Grimmjow placed a hand on mine, squeezing gently. "Aw, baby, it won't be that bad..."
His tone implied that not even he believed it & I gulped down air. "I'm never going to see the light of day. I'm going to be grounded until I'm forty seven"
"I highly doubt your dad will still hold a grudge that long, Ichigo"
I turned my wide eyes on him. "Don't you dare think that he wouldn't do such a thing! At his twenty fifth class reunion, before he became a pastor, he got into a fist fight with a guy who bullied him during his freshman year!"
"Oh shit..." Grimmjow muttered, "I mean...you're his only son; you'll get his favor"
"I'm also the oldest & get punished to show my sisters what could happen when they act up"
From then on Grimmjow stayed silent; he just stayed crouched by my side, squeezing my hand. The police officers called us into different offices to question us, the disappointment written all over their face & their frustrated glances shifting from my face to their notepad or each other.
"Son, you do realize that if you were a little older you'd be in a lot of trouble, don't you?" one officer asked me.
"Because I was in the playhouse at McDonald's?" I asked.
"You & your friends were being disruptive & disrespectful, not to mention the manager asked you all to leave several times & you refused"
Ok, ok. I had to give them that. We were kind of being disrespectful...& he did tell us to leave several times & we just made fun of him. But why did I have to "realize" I'd be in trouble if not for my age when Grimmjow & the rest of the young adults weren't in any trouble?
Just as I was about to ask that very question there was a knock & the guy that was interrogating me bid whoever it was inside.
A female officer walked in with a purpose. "Sir, the boy's father is here"
My heart dropped.
"Send him in" the guy stated & she walked back out.
After she spoke quietly to my dad they walked in & I glanced up to his angry eyes on me. I thought he would've pulled up a chair beside me but instead he stood by the door, his arms crossed. Yep, he was pissed off.
"Thank you, officers, for not arresting him" he said in a low voice, very similar to a growl.
The guy that interrogated me nodded once. "No problem sir. Considering he is a minor, it'd be best if the parent handles it. I'm sure your son is a good kid & he didn't mean any harm so there will be no charges or fines"
My dad nodded. "Is it ok if we leave now?"
"Sure, sure. Thanks for coming by, Mr. Isshin"
"Pastor Isshin"
Both of the officers in the room raised their eyebrows in surprise, looked at me, looked at my dad then back at me before a more severe disappointment settled in. "Right, I apologize, Pastor Isshin"
"Let's go, Ichigo"
I stood obediantly & followed him out of the little office. Out in the foyer, Grimmjow & Mayuri were still there, sitting quietly with their elbows on their knees. Grimmjow looked up at me & seemed like he was about to come towards me until he looked at my dad's face & he deflated. He turned his eyes towards me & I saw sadness in there. I mouthed a "bye" to him & gave him a little wave. I wanted more than anything to give him a hug & maybe even a kiss...but not in front of my dad.
Dad drove us home in silence but I know he was absolutely fuming. I was in a state that was somewhere between scared to speak & scared of the silence. Was he just going to ignore me or was he expecting an explaination? Well I mean...if he wanted an explaination he could always ask so I don't know why I even thought tha-
"Ichigo, what has gotten into you?"
I sighed, feeling relieved & still cautious at the same time. "I was just having fun, Dad"
"Having fun? Having fun? Since when has being disrespectful ever been fun, Ichigo?!"
"Look, I wasn't actually being disrespectful, I was just simply there"
"After he told you immature brats to leave! Ichigo , you know better! I raised you better than that! Your mother would be so disappointe-"
"Why do you always have to bring Mom into everything, huh?!" I shouted, "It's like you want us to feel the guilt that you feel! No matter what we do, Dad, she's still dead & she always will be!"
I wasn't surprised when his right hand whipped out & slapped me across the face. Really, I was expecting it. I have never yelled at my sisters before, much less my dad. My cheek stung like hell & tears of anger welled up in my eyes but instead of acting like I was all surprised & cradling my cheek like the people do on television & just crossed my arms & stared out the window.
"Don't you ever...in your entire life...ever talk to me like that again..." Dad hissed.
I'm not sure what came over me. Maybe this weekend just wore me out. Maybe I was just sexually frustrated. Maybe I'd thought about me & Ukitake's conversation but before I could even think about it, it came rolling off my tongue like honey. "I'm gay"
My heart dropped when Dad stayed silent for several moments. "What...did you say?"
& just like that I lost my nerve. All of a sudden I began picturing all the humiliation he could put me through: making me wear an I'm Gay sign around my neck & taking a picture so that he could put it it up on Facebook or something. Declaring it to the congregation one day at church. Kick me out. Try to convince my sisters to hate me. The disappointed looks he'd always give me...
"I ain't going to ask you again, boy. I know you heard me"
"I said...I said I'm...I'm gay"
I thought Dad was about to swerve off the road as he sputtered & struggled to reach for his belt. "My boy don't like no men! Me & Masaki raised you in a Christian household! Who inserted these homosexual ideas into your head?! Was it that freak, Mayuri?! I bet it was him; I done told Deacon Gin that boy wasn't no good! Did someone touch you or something? What's wrong with you boy?!"
I wanted to lash out like I did earlier, I really did. I would've wanted nothing more than to cuss him out & tell him how horrible of a father he was being right now but the tears started & at that moment, I just wanted to fall through the floor of the car & somehow end up in Grimmjow's arms. I thought back to the conversation Grimmjow & I had about our families accepting us & I became angry at him. This is why I didn't want to come out in the first place! Christians were just as stupid & hypocritical & obnoxious & annoying & rude & mean & hateful as everyone else on this earth. I shouldn't have listened to his advice; I should've just kept my mouth closed.
'God...how can you say You made me in Your image when I'm hated by my own father because of who I am? You lied to me, God. You didn't even try to help'
Dad sighed, shaking his head. "Boy, you ain't been right since your mama died. I know you're hurting, I know you're angry but are you taking out on all females? They can be such warm, gentle creatures & they'll give you kids & care for them & you too. I just don't understand..."
He went on & on like that until we got home. I had learned to tune him out; I was concentrating so hard on not crying I wasn't even paying attention. I didn't come to until I realized we were just sitting there in the driveway with the car turned off. I shifted off the door so I could open it & get out but my dad called me back.
"Not only have you embarassed me pulling that stunt at the McDonald's but now you threaten to embarass me in front of my congregation & your sisters...I don't understand why, Ichigo" he whispered.
"You won't have to worry about me embarassing you. I'll get out your hair as soon as I possibly can"
With that I stepped out of the car & made a beeline to my room, sighing as I let the tears flow.
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A Year Later
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I shuddered as the wind lashed out around me once more & huddled into my coat. This was one of the many moments I realized I hated winter & the only reason why I used to like it was because I had heat with the flip of a switch. My ears stung painfully; I was sure if it wasn't frostbitten it was in danger of becoming so. I couldn't wait to get home.
My hands trembled & shook as I whipped out my house key & jammed it in the door. In this day in age, why hadn't they invented a device so that when you come near the door to your house unlocks & opens? Well...maybe they did & we just couldn't afford it yet.
I stepped into the house & sighed. Home may not be much but it was still mine, even though it was cold enough to preserve a cow in. I dropped my keys on the kitchen counter & peeked into the fridge. Nothing to eat except mayo, ranch & a few slices of bread. I guess I could've made a very strange sandwich to relieve me of these hunger pains but I wasn't quite that desperate for food at the moment. The clock on the microwave read four o clock. I'd better go ahead & get this place warmed up & knock this chill off.
As I grabbed a box of matches & threw a few logs into the fireplace, I thought about the last year. It'd been rough. Really rough. To be honest, I have no idea how I made it this far but the only thing that kept me going was the fact that it could get better fairly soon. Dad didn't necessarily kick me out of the house; the day I left, I told Yuzu & Karin bye & when Yuzu peeped my suitcase & backpack she looked concern.
"Where are you going, big brother?" she'd asked.
I'd sighed, knowing she was going to make this difficult. "Away. I'll be ok though & hey, maybe I'll even come & see you"
"Not likely..." Dad had grumbled from his spot on the crouch where he was nursing a large bottle of Grey Goose.
Anger surged through me. "You must not have drank enough because you're still talking"
"B-boy...I will...break your neck in t-t-three places..." he slurred & I rolled my eyes.
Karin frowned up at me. "Are you leaving because of Dad?"
I nodded. "Yeah. For the most part"
Yuzu's eyes began tearing up & I knelt to her eye level to pull her into a hug. "It'll be ok, Yuzu, don't cry"
"It's not ok!" she cried, stamping her foot angrily, "You two are angry at each other & don't you dare tell me you're not cause I ain't stupid & now you're about to leave to God knows where & might put yourself in a lot of danger but you wanna act all cool about it & Dad's just sitting there like a bump on a log &...& Mama wouldn't have wanted that!"
I smiled sadly. Truthfully I was tired of everyone bringing Mama up. "I'm sorry, Yuzu. This is just how it has to be"
"You promise you'll come & visit us...?" Karin asked.
My heart nearly broke as she struggled to hold back tears. My Karin, so strong & brave & now she was vulnerable because of me, because of who I now realized I was. But I put on a fake, brave smile. "Of course I will kiddo. I love you two, too much to stay away for long"
Yuzu shuddered, hiccupped & let out a low whine as tears poured down her face. "I love you big brother..."
I hugged her close, bringing Karin into my embrace & kissed their foreheads. "I love you two, too. I always will, & don't let no one, no one tell you differently. If I don't come visit soon it has nothing to do with me not loving you two anymore because I'll never stop, do you hear me?"
The both nodded obediantly, their bodies shaking with sobs. God, I hated that I had to do this to them; I loved them like they were my own daughters.
"Shh, shh. Hush, now. It's not like I'm going away forever, stop crying now..." I whispered to them.
"I hate him..." Karin murmured & my eyebrows shot up.
"Him who?"
"He's the reason why you're leaving, isn't he? Because he's a rude drunk who doesn't know any better & doesn't want to do better for himself & his family?"
I was more so taken aback by how observative she'd been more so than her being so smart. "I...Karin..."
"We're going to get him help, big brother, you'll see" she said ferociously, her eyes burning, "He's going to get fixed & then you can come back"
I smiled & smoothed her hair down. "Alright, kiddo. I'm counting on you. On both of you"
I sighed as I stoked the growing fire. That seemed so long ago & yet like it just happened yesterday. I'd tried to go see Karin & Yuzu, I really did, but whenever I tried to go to Dad's house no one would answer & when I went to church to do so the usher would refuse to let me in or a deacon would see me & tell me to get out before I got to see them. Deacon Gin only gave me a pitying look, like the ones everyone gave me after Mama died. I hated that, especially now because it was like they didn't expect to me do any better like this was my rock bottom or something. I'd begun to hate Dad & resent God for all this mess. Had He not made me gay, maybe I'd still be part of warm, inviting church. But then again...if He hadn't made me gay, I wouldn't have seen the church people for who they really are.
The front door unlocked & my mood lifted as I turned my head & smiled. "Hey. Welcome home"
"Thanks baby" Grimmjow came over & gave a me a kiss on the lips before shrugging out of his coat.
"Were you able to get any dinner?" I asked & my stomach gave a loud growl.
He sighed. "Yeah. They let me have the sloppy joe sandwiches again & I was able to pick you up a little something nice..."
I eyed the grocery bag of cans of Manwiches before watching his hands reach into his coat pocket. He pulled out a honey bun & I grinned, my tongue tingling with the memory of the sugary dough. "Thank you, baby"
I caught it as he tossed it to me & he sat beside me in front of the fireplace to eat one of his own with me. How far we'd come...it was nowhere near easy. Once Grimmjow started his senior semester, he took out a bunch of student loans & got us this little house. It had been a crack house, used as a headquarters for drug trade for the local gangs which is why the price had been very cheap. It was raggedy, nasty & old but it was still a roof over our heads to keep us dry & (somewhat) warm.
Grimmjow also had begun working at the cafeteria at his university. He'd told me more than once that he hated it but it got us free food from time to time which was very convienant since a lot of the time we went days without eating. The little he got in a paycheck went towards the little necessities like books for his classes or getting what little groceries & utilities he could afford. Thankfully his job had worked out some kind of deal with the dean or someone high up at the school to somehow help pay his tuition so that wasn't really an issue.
"Hey..." he whispered, nudging me.
I looked at him. "Yeah?"
"Penny for your thoughts?"
I grinned & shrugged one shoulder. "I'm just thinking about how far we'd come. Hard to believe we have all of this in just a year"
Grimmjow scoffed. "All of what? This poverty? These hard times? These hunger pains?"
"This stuff that reminds us that we're alive you ungrateful bastard" I said with a chuckle.
He grinned. "Yeah...& at least we have each other, right?"
"You better not be trying to be sarcastic, Jow. I will punch you in the throat"
He threw his head back & laughed. "I'm not being sarcastic! I was being truthful!"
"For once..."
He pulled me close & pressed his nose & mouth to my neck & forehead. "How do you think Renji & them are doing?"
I sighed & rested my head on Grimmjow's lap. We hadn't been to church since the ushers refused to let us in the sanctuary.
"We don't want any trouble" one of them said, "Just take your sin elsewhere before one of the children see you & think it's ok"
Rangiku, Renji, Orihime, Chad & Uryu had nearly jumped her for being so rude but Grimmjow called it off.
"If this church wants to be hypocrites & turn people away because of something they can't help then I don't wanna be up in here anyway" he growled & led me out of the church. All of our friends walked out with us, reassuring us that this would all pass & they were just mad cause the police had to force us out of McDonald's. I appreciated them trying to cheer us up but it was too hallow. They knew my father had told everyone Grimmjow & I were gay & in a relationship. We hadn't spoken to them since the incident though & I missed them dearly.
"They're probably doing fine, staying in trouble as usual" I said, forcing a chuckle.
Grimmjow ran his fingers through my hair a few times. "Yeah...probably..."
His fingers wanders over my neck & shoulders, stroking & raising goosebumps over my skin. I can't even remember the last time we had a moment like this in silence, much less when we were last...intimate. We still hadn't had sex & I was becoming impatient. Well...I was past impatient now, I was getting downright irritated. Was there something repulsive about me or something? I think the last thing we needed to be worried about right now is me being corrupted or not.
"You still don't think I'm ready?" I asked bitterly.
He sighed. "No, Ichigo. The more you ask & beg for it the more unnatural it is & that's how you'll know you're not ready"
"So if a fifteen year old is just relaxing with a guy that she likes & they just start making out & it's not awkward, then you're saying they're ready?"
I sat up to look him in the eyes, growing more irritated when his eyes looked unfocused.
"Things are very rarely ever not awkward at that age, Ichigo. But please...can we just drop this?"
"I want to know why me being pure is still so damn important! Do you realize I could very well just go get it from some other guy? Or hell, even a girl if I was feeling brave!"
He raised his eyebrows in surprise, leaning back from me. "You fuckin' kiddin' me right now? You'd rather rush something that's not that big of a deal than just wait until the moment is perfect?"
"Grimmjow, nothing is ever perfect to you!"
"You were!"
Something about him using the past tense really twisted something in the pit of my stomach & I scowled. "Why do you just absolutely refuse to have sex with me? Do I repluse you?"
"Your begging & need to be just like everyone else repulses me"
"What?! I ain't trying to be like no fuckin' bod-"
"Admit it Ichigo! Before that damn retreat, you didn't care about sex! You only cared about being yourself & doing you!"
"Well who's fault is it that I got a taste of what it was like, huh?! I wasn't throwing myself at you like some whore!"
"But you are now! Why is it such a big deal to you?!"
"Because I want you to show me you love me!" I screamed on the brink of tears. I really hated fighting, especially about this. It took us days to simmer down & make up with one another & right now we needed each other more than anything. His job was stressing him out because he wasn't getting enough hours to earn enough for groceries & I was hustling to find a job myself. We didn't need this, not right now.
Grimmjow's eyes were alight with anger. "I don't show you? Is fucking now deemed as love? You think me fucking you means I love you more so than if I'm not? So all the times I sang you to sleep, all the times, I held you at night & told you to stop crying, all the times I told you I loved you wasn't me showing you that I love you? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Actions speak louder than words, Grimmjow!"
"Fucking doesn't mean love you dumbass!"
My hand lashed out & slapped him across the face. It wasn't particularly hard, just enough to the point where he turned his head with it a little. My face froze in shock while his slowly melted into anger. "G-Grimmjow...I...I didn't m-mean to..."
His electric blue eyes pinned with a glare that made my blood feel cold & he stood slowly. For the first time in my life Grimmjow intimidated the hell out of me.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered.
He turned & walked out without a word, closing the front door with a calmness that made my jaw tremble in fear. What had I done?