Chapter ten

The Lake and Draco Malfoy.

Harry woke the next morning, his eyes stinging and red from crying the previous night. Sighing he sat up on his bed and looked around the room. All of his dorm mates were sleeping still. Looking at his watch, and stifling a yawn he stood. He quietly got dressed then headed down to the common room. He threw his invisibility cloak over himself and exited out of the portrait hole.

Walking through the empty corridors Harry couldn't help but feel isolated. He knew all his friends would be there for him, if he had the courage to talk to them. But like he thought earlier, no one would understand what he feels because they are not him.

He slowly pushed open the heavy oak doors and stepped outside. He looked around the grounds that were glowing a soft orange from the rising sun that had yet to meet the horizon. He walked down to the lake and sat where he had sat the day before.

Looking around at the empty grounds once more, he again felt isolated. He felt as though he had hundreds of people around him, yet none where there with him. He felt cut off from everything. He hated the feelings of depression that had been building up his entire life. He knew understood that each year he went to hell and back. Since Cedric died he's stayed there.

'My life is hell,' he thought, tugging at his hair as the frustration got too much. Harry understood how selfish it was to want to kill himself, considering that he is the only one who could vanquish the dark lord. Harry snorted. He was the chosen one. Things like this weren't meant to happen in real life. They are supposed to happen in movies and books and television shows.

The sun suddenly came up over the horizon and Harry squinted as a ray of light directly hit him. He checked his watch. Six am. He was aloud to be up now. Sighing he pulled the invisibility cloak off and shrank it with a flick of his wand. He folded it neatly and put it in his pocket. Rolling up his sleeves he carefully examined the scars he had inflicted upon himself. Harry frowned as he ran a finger over the now un-bandaged scar across his wrist.

"Why didn't it work?" he said out loud. Oh how he wanted it to work. He wanted out of this hell hole of a life. He wanted to pass on, to be with his parents and Sirius. How he longed to see Sirius again. To tell Sirius how much he cared for him. He loved him, yet never said that. Why hadn't he said that?

'I'm so stupid. Why the hell couldn't I just use the mirror?' Harry thought, biting his tongue in an attempt to stop the tears from spilling from his eyes once more.

Harry cried out in frustration as a tear slipped down his cheek. 'I cry too much' he thought brushing the tear away. He took a deep breath and stood. He started to walk silently around the lake. His hands were in his pockets and his shoulders were hunched.

"Hello Harry?" a voice suddenly said behind Harry. He turned quickly, grabbing his wand his pocket. He raised it at the mans throat.

"Sorry Harry, didn't mean to startle you," Damian said looking uncomfortable at Harry's steady hand and emotionless face. Harry didn't move the wand.

"Harry, would you mind if you could perhaps not aim a wand at me?"

Harry frowned then moved the wand away. He did not put it back in his pocket; he kept it in his hand. He turned on his heel and stalked off the way he was heading before the interruption. Damian smiled slightly and then set off behind him.

"Why are you up so early?" Damian queried, as they walked.

"I woke up" Harry replied brusquely.

"A nightmare?"

"Nope."

"Perhaps you haven't been sleeping well and just woke up un-expectedly."

Harry stopped then. He turned his head and looked at the now still form of Damian.

"Look Mr Hyman.

"Damian."

"Mr Hyman, I told you yesterday that I do not want to talk to you. What makes you think I want to now?"

"I never said that I thought you would want to talk to me."

"Okay then. Fine. Leave me alone okay? I don't want anything to do with you. Just let me be."

Harry turned and started walking briskly back to the castle. Damian followed him a few steps behind. Harry clenched his teeth. He knew that Damian was following him, he just didn't know how to get rid of the vermin.

Harry pushed apart the entrance doors once more and arrived in the Entrance Hall.

"Harry one last thing," Damian spoke up timidly.

"Look just fuck off. Leave me the hell alone." Harry shouted. The few early rises stared at him timidly. Harry glared at them as they passed and they quickly scurried off into the Great Hall.

Harry stalked up the stairs and out of Damian's site. Damian crossed the hall and walked up to Dumbledore who had just witnessed the outburst.

"That went well didn't it?" Damian asked.

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you Damian."

Damian half smiled at Dumbledore.

"Keep trying?"

"Yes. We should," Dumbledore agreed.

Harry walked through the halls of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The portraits all stared at him as he walked passed, and Harry was beginning to get fed up with it. He walked briskly up the staircases until his brain finally registered where he was going. The astronomy tower.

Harry slowly walked up the spiraling staircase, his heart pounding faster and harder with each new step. He walked out onto the bare tower top and walked over to the edge. He stepped up onto the small wall that lined the edge of the tower. Looking over the grounds Harry had many emotions rising into him. Happiness, anger, sadness, longing. Feelings he hadn't felt in a long time. He looked straight down and saw a bunch of rocks littering the ground below. He took a deep breath and moved one foot forward.

"I was wondering if you were going to do it," a voice drawled from behind him.

Harry turned to face none other then Draco Malfoy.

"Then why'd you say anything. I bet you would have loved watching the great Harry Potter jump off the astronomy tower."

Harry jumped down off the wall and walked towards Malfoy.

"Where are your cronies Malfoy? Aren't you afraid without them?"

"Afraid of you Potter," Draco spat. "Hardly."

"Think Daddy is going to protect you because he is a school governor? Or should I say was considering he's in Azkaban now?"

"Shut it Potter. Don't think I know that its you who got him locked up."

"Im not denying it Malfoy. That bastard got off easy. He deserved to be kissed."

Harry threw a smirk that could rival Draco's at Draco then stalked off down the stairs.

He could hear Draco thundering away behind him. Harry reached the bottom of the staircase and was thrown forward as Draco tackled him from behind. Harry got turned over and Draco was sitting on him. He raised a fist and smacked Harry right across the face with it.

"You take that back Potter."

"Never." Harry replied. Bringing up a knee into Draco's stomach. He pushed Draco off him and stood calmly to his feet. He turned to walk away.

"You should have jumped you know. Would have done a world a favor. It's a pity you didn't." Harry stopped walking and slowly turned to Malfoy. He stepped forward and pushed Malfoy against the brick wall, hard. With a free hand Harry pulled back his sleeve revealing his scars to Draco.

"You think I don't want to die Malfoy. It's on my to do list actually," Harry spat.

Harry stepped away from Malfoy and started walking towards the stairs.

"All over that pathetic dog huh?"

Harry stopped in his tracks. He saw Professor Tonks start to descend the stairs but didn't care. Harry turned around slowly.

"You take that back." Harry growled.

"No. Or should I say never? That mutt was a waste of space. My aunt Bellatrix did the world a favour removing him from the world. All we have to do is get rid of you too and all the muggles and mudbloods and blood traitors and the world will be perfect."

Harry ran forward and tackled the un-expecting Draco. He sat on top of Draco in the way that Draco had earlier sat on him. He raised his fist and slammed it hard into Malfoy's cheek. Draco put his hands on Harry's shoulders and tried to push him back. Harry raised his fist again and was about to hit Malfoy again when a hand grabbed his wrist.

Harry looked up and came face to face with a very flustered Tonks.

"Get away from each other," Tonks demanded, her black curly hair falling into her face.

Harry stood up and stepped a bit away from Malfoy, his wrist still in Tonks hand. Draco scowled then heaved himself off the ground, his cheek all red from Harry's punch.

"Okay, I want you to go to class Draco, and 60 points off Slytherin for fighting."

Draco opened his mouth to rebut, but Tonks beat him to it.

"I saw this entire fight, you didn't touch Harry's face, yet its all red like yours. So you did it. It's fresh ok? Now get to class."

Draco scowled then stalked off towards the dungeons.

"Now Harry, I'm taking 60 points of Gryffindor as well, but you need to come and see the headmaster. He wants a word. The password is Sugar Quills."

Harry silently nodded then walked off towards Dumbledore's office. A few minutes later he was at the top of the stairs knocking on the door.

"Come in Harry," Dumbledore called from inside.

Harry pushed open the door to find not only Dumbledore but Remus Lupin in the office. Harry looked at Lupin who looked as weary as ever and gave a small smile which Lupin returned.

"You wished to see me sir?" Harry asked timidly.

"Yes, yes. But only so you could meet with Mr Lupin here."

"Want to go for a walk?" Remus asked hoarsely.

"I have a class though,"

"Not to worry, go walk," Dumbledore spoke up cheerfully. He looked across Harry's face, to the red and slightly swollen eye, to the split and barely bleeding lip.

Harry nodded. "Ok."

"Excellent. But one more thing," Harry turned to professor Dumbledore. Albus raised his wand and with a flick Harry's face felt instantly better.

"Thanks,"

Albus nodded in reply.

The two left the office and silently headed out to the grounds. Remus kept opening and closing his mouth, obviously wanting to say something, but unsure where to start.

"Professor what is it?"

"Harry, please call me Remus. I am no longer your Professor."

Harry nodded.

"Ok Remus, what is it?"

"Let's sit shall we?" Remus indicated to the side of the lake that was beginning to become Harry's second home.

"Harry, I received an owl last night. I'm not going to say who from, but some things in this letter were rather, disturbing in a way." Remus looked into Harry's face but Harry suddenly found a lot of interest in his hands. Remus leant forward, grabbed Harry's chin with his hand and tipped his face up to look at him.

"Harry, it's not your fault that Sirius died. Harry, Sirius loved you with all his heart and he would have done anything to make sure you were safe."

Harry tried to move his head but Remus kept his hand firmly placed around Harry's chin.

"Harry, it's not your fault."

"But it is," Harry suddenly choked out. "If I hadn't have been so careless, and so stupid or trustworthy, then he'd be alive."

"Harry, if you must blame anyone blame Voldemort. He's the one that did this. He tricked you. He-"

"He shouldn't have been able to trick me Remus. He shouldn't have been able to."

Remus looked sadly into Harry's eyes and sighed. He removed his hand from Harry's chin but Harry stayed looking at him.

"What do I have to say Harry that will make you believe me?" Harry turned and looked across the lake, his eyes far off and un-focused.

"Nothing. It's my fault and nothing will ever change that."

"Harry it isn't. I was his best friend Harry, and I don't blame you. I don't, nobody does."

"He might." Harry whispered. Harry was subconsciously running a finger along the scar on his wrist. Remus slowly grabbed his arm and pulled it across to him. He pushed back the robe sleave and gasped at the many scars that were there.

"I knew there was a lot, but I didn't think this many," Remus choked out. "This Harry, is another thing we must talk about."

Harry wrenched his arm out of Remus' grip and went to stand up. Remus put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Harry," Remus looked sadly into Harry's eyes.

"Don't pity me Remus. I don't need to be pitied."

"I am not pitying you Harry. I'm just concerned. I don't want you to take your own life Harry. Too many people die from that cause."

Harry looked out across the lake again.

"Why do you do it?"

"Cut?"

"Yeah."

Harry looked at Remus carefully, deciding whether or not to trust him.

"It's sort of a release. All I don't really feel anything anymore, but when I cut, I feel that. And that makes me feel alive again. I know that this will sound sick, but I like the blood to. It proves to me that I'm human. I don't seem to feel anything anymore, and I know I should be hurting so much about Sirius, but I can't accept it. I hate feeling like this. So. So numb and alone."

Remus nodded slowly then wrapped an arm around Harry.

"Did you want to die?"

"Yes."

Remus bit his lip, then sighed.

"Harry I'm here ok? I'm here if you ever need to talk to anyone. Just owl me, or even go and see Dumbledore and he will floo me so we can speak ok? Anytime. Twenty-four hours a day."

"Ok," Harry choked out. "Thank you."

"No problem Harry. No problem at all."

Harry looked down at his watch.

"Remus I better go, I don't think it'd be a wise choice to miss potions."

"No I don't think so either. Besides I have to visit a lovely defence professor."

Harry raised his eyebrows. Remus winked at him and together they walked back to the castle.