Hey everyone! I'm back! First of all I'm very sorry for the delay and thank you all for the patience and the well wishes for my exams, I actually did rather good! :)
And thank you so much for the wonderful feedback on last chapter! I mean, I was starting to have second thoughts about this story, but you convinced me that it's worth continuing! Thank you all, you have no idea how much your support means to me!
Now, this chapter… it was supposed to be much longer and a lot of other things were planned but I decided to split it instead and give you guys a shorter (or average sized) chapter today instead… I hope you'll like it!

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Castle..

Chapter 10

Open. Read. Answer. Close. Open. Read. Answer. Close.
Again and again with each email she had. Automatic and repetitive. And without any thought in her mind.
It was better this way, better that she did everything bluntly and silently and most importantly emotionlessly.

Kate felt like her insides were empty and aching and tied into a tight knot at the same time. She angrily clicked on another incoming letter from a week ago and sighed when it was just another questionnaire from 1PP. She went over it, giving answers without thinking, just typing in some words and clicking when she had to choose.

After accidentally dropping and breaking a cup in the break room while trying to get coffee, then messing things up with the photocopier and then once again while she tried to file some case documents she gave up doing useful work and instead she sat down at her desk and went over her office email address that she tended to neglect.

She also tried to avoid all human contact because she wasn't in the mood to chitchat. She knew she would just be entirely rude and she didn't want to have to feel bad about it all day and then shamefully apologize tomorrow. And she managed to do so, only grumpily greeting Ryan and Esposito in the morning and ignoring everyone else until Castle arrived around ten and plopped down onto his chair at her desk with way too much flourish and cheerfulness.

"Good morning, Beckett!" he greeted her with a grin but she purposefully kept her eyes glued to the screen, hoping that he would just go away. "Well somebody's in a bad mood…" he noticed when she failed to even say a simple 'hello'.

She stared at the screen, trying to look as if she was really concentrating on some useful work when in fact she was just picking out letters to delete and for a moment she dared to believe that it worked, Castle stayed silent and from the corner of her eye she saw how his eyes started to wander around, looking for something to entertain himself when she proved to be boring. But then an entirely too annoying smirk spread on his face and he jumped up from his chair.

"I see…you didn't have a coffee yet, right? That's the problem…" he nodded his head to himself, looking completely convinced that he was right and he stormed off to get some.

He was back a minute later with a steaming mug in his hand that he put down in front of her.

"I couldn't find your cup anywhere, I guess somebody must have used it or something. I hope you don't mind the kittens on this one…" he said pointing to two wrestling cats on the mug that was now on her desk.

Without looking up she reached for the mug, internally grateful for the caffeine. But just as she was about to grab the handle and lift the mug her fingers slipped and all the hot coffee spilt out, landing on her blouse and her lap.

"AAHH…" she screamed in pain as it burned her skin under her soaked clothes.

"Jesus, Beckett…are you okay?" Castle asked worriedly, quickly looking around for something to dab at the coffee with.

"What do you think?" she snapped, trying to pull at her blouse so it wouldn't stick to her abdomen.

He finally found a tissue in his pocket and started to reach towards her, putting the thing on her thigh and pressing it into the damp material.

"Get that away from me!" she hissed, half in pain because he pushed the fabric onto her burnt skin and half from the fury raging inside her.

"I'm sorry…sorry. Just trying to help." he said standing next to her and looking as helpless as possible. "What can I do? What should I get you? Do you have …like spare clothes?" he asked, being all eager and willing.

"I don't need your help! Just…just go away!" she told him angrily but suddenly tears started to pool in her eyes and she wasn't able to repress them. "I'm a wreck anyways. " she whispered and a heart wrenching sob escaped her lips.

"Oh God, Kate…what's wrong?" he murmured as he squatted down next to her.

She covered her face with her hands as she cried uncontrollably, all her pent up emotions cursing freely through her. She desperately tried to get a hold of them, to control herself again but she couldn't stop.

The next moment she felt two strong hands on her arms, squeezing slightly and urging her to stand up. At first she fought against them but she found she didn't have it in herself so she just rose from her chair, wincing from the pain of the burns and shaking from the sobs.

"Come on…" Castle's soft voice sounded next to her ear and she was lead out of the bullpen into the break room with the couches in it. He gently pushed her down on the cushions and she instantly collapsed, burying her face into her arms as he went back to close the door.

Kate could practically feel the walls carefully built around her heart crack open and break down. Her each attempt to avoid thinking about Matt was in vain. Now all she could think of were his words yelled at her, his eyes full of hurt and the way he ran away. How betrayed he looked. And the tears just kept coming and flowing down her cheeks, just like Friday night. And then several times over the weekend when she allowed herself to dwell on it all.

"Kate… what's wrong?" she heard his voice much closer now and she realized he sat down directly next to her on the couch.

"Nothing." she choked out, turning away from him as she tried to pull herself together.

"You know I won't believe that…" he told her.

"Yeah well that's not my problem. Go away Castle." she said as icily as she could manage with her throat dry and the lump still there.

"You gotta get out of those clothes…" he reminds her and she glares at him.

"Well I will definitely not do that while you're here…"

"Okay, didn't think you would… but Kate, please let me help…talk to me…" he pleaded but she just wiped furiously at her cheeks.

"Nothing."

"Has something happened with Matt? You never told me about the family day…" Castle said and as soon as the name was out of his mouth a new wave of tears hit her, her crying bordering on hysterical as she clutched at her face. "Kate what's wrong?" he asked, now sounding more afraid than anything.

"I'm such a mess…" she whispered more to herself than to him.

He didn't say anything for a while and the silence stretched on and it was almost unbearable for Kate because with her thoughts running wildly she felt so open and vulnerable again. And afraid. So very afraid.

"What happened?" he asked after a while and she defiantly pursed her lips together, refusing to answer. But as the quiet of the break room embraced them and she could feel his observing, caring eyes on herself, the words just seemed to slip out on their own accord.

"I screwed up…" she murmured, staring into the air in front of her.

He didn't say a word. He didn't try to argue with her, didn't try to guess, didn't try to make her tell him what happened anymore. He just sat there next to her, waiting for her to share what she wanted. And she did. She told him the whole story. She told him about the family day. Not just the little things she told him last week, she told him the whole story how hesitant Matt was when he asked her, how he made her promise she would be there. How she promised him she would be there. Then she told him all about hurrying across town to be there on time and the sinking feeling in her stomach when she realized she was late. She recounted Friday evening, Matt's angry words and her father's muttered 'He's right'. Then she tells him about the weekend. About the worst weekend of her whole life, the longest, most heartbreaking, darkest two days she ever had. How Matt didn't talk to her at all… Only angrily answered her questions with a few words when it was absolutely necessary, always avoiding looking at her and always leaving her presence when he could. And how he specifically asked to spend the whole Sunday with his grandfather and how Jim later called her to tell her he would be taking Matt to kindergarten that morning. She told him all and some more and all the while she couldn't stop trembling and crying and sniffing and feeling absolutely miserable.

"I'm a horrible mom and he will never forgive me…" she murmured to finish up.

"That's not true…" he said after a moment. She saw from her peripheral vision how he turned towards her. "He loves you and I'm sure he will come around eventually. He's just angry about Friday but he will understand that you couldn't go…" he assured her, his hand landing softly on her back and rubbing circles there.

"No…that's the worst. He's right." she said, looking at him for the first time since she started her admission and her tone was so sincere, so serious like a death sentence. A sentence she was giving herself.
Because she knew Matt was right, in the very second she heard his outburst, in the very moment that door was slammed shut. She knew that he had every right to hate her. Because she hated herself then as well. And she hated herself ever since, terrified that maybe he would hate her forever now.

"And I'm so afraid Castle…" she admitted in a whisper, feeling bare and fragile but not being able to stop now. "I'm so scared that he won't forgive me. I wish I could just disappear… How couldn't I see what I was doing? What will I do if he'll always hate me?"

"Don't be silly…he will forgive you!" he told her encouragingly and weirdly enough with so much conviction in his words that she couldn't just ignore him. "You just have to find a way to win his heart back. To make him trust you again… You have to find a way to show him how much you love him, just how important he is to you…"

"He thinks I don't love him enough…" she whispered brokenly.

"Then prove him wrong!" Castle told her warmly and Kate was rather surprised how supportive he was even though all she ever did was being rude to him. Well most of the time anyways…

"Thank you…" she murmured.

"You're welcome. You could be a great mom, Kate. I see it in you… You just have to work for it!" he said and squeezed her shoulder before standing up from the couch.

Kate didn't move an inch, she stayed seated, staring in front of her, her mind still racing but surprisingly, her heart seemed just a touch lighter now that she talked about it. A tiny beam of hope seemed to shimmer in the deepest part of her now that she heard Castle's reassuring words.

"Hey…" the man's voice interrupted her thoughts once more and she looked up to find him standing just a few steps away from the door, glancing back at her. "What about you and Matt come over tonight? Alexis's been asking about him ever since they met and we could eat dinner together maybe that would warm him up, huh?" he offered a little shyly like he was expecting her to decline immediately.

But instead she considered it and let a small smile spread across her face for the first time in days as she realized that in fact, Matt would really like that.

"That would be lovely…Thank you!" she nodded, accepting the invite. Castle seemed shocked that she did so and his eyebrows jumped up to his hairline for a moment before a grin took over his face.

"Great, then… We'll be waiting for you guys tonight!" he said and exited the break room.

Kate stayed in the calmness of the break room, alone with her slowly settling thoughts. The bullpen's muffled sounds just like her own thoughts, didn't seem so crazy now, not so threatening not something that she should be running from.

After a few minutes of just sitting there and gazing at the floor with drying tears on her cheeks and an evening out heartbeat she reached for her phone but she realized she left it on her desk. She got up and walked to her desk, feeling a bit like she was in a bubble, not being able to concentrate on anything around her, she was so deep in her thoughts.

Would Matt like dinner at Castle's place? Would he even agree? Would he talk to her? What was she going to do if he once again just ignored her?

She was scared. As afraid as she had never been in her life before.

She grabbed her cell and confidently made her way to the kitchenette with the half empty cup in her hand that Castle left on her desk. She stepped up to the coffee machine and poured some into the cup before closing her fingers around the handle and going to the table. She sat down and took a sip before pressing the screen of her phone a couple of times to dial.

"Hello Miss Beckett!" she heard the familiar voice after two rings.

"Hey Tina!" she greeted her son's current nanny. "I'm calling to tell you that you won't need to pick Matt up today from kindergarten…" she said, not wanting to make small talk.

"Oh… Is he alright? Is he ill?" the concern in the voice of the young woman was audible.

"No, he's fine. It's only that I will be picking him up today…" she informed Tina.

"Oh I see…" she heard the surprised response and she rolled her eyes, thinking for a moment before she spoke again.

"Actually, you know what… Thank you but your services won't be needed this week at all." she decided, already forming a plan in her mind.

"All week?" Tina asked back, confused.

"Yes. I'll make time to get him…" she said with a soft smile.

"Miss Beckett…? Did I do something wrong? Am I fired?" Tina asked with a hint of sadness in her tone.

"What? No!" she shook her head even though the other woman couldn't see her. "Not at all, Tina. I just want to spend some time with Matt, I think we both need it…" she said, feeling a bit silly that she was explaining herself to the nanny but repressing any snarky remarks. This woman really did care about Matt and she appreciated that.

"Oh, okay. Well then… Call me when you need me again, Miss Beckett!" Tina said, sounding a bit more cheerful now that Kate assured her she wasn't the problem.

"Sure, thank you Tina! Goodbye!" Kate said and hung up.

Yes this was a good idea, she thought. Matt would be happy. Or at least she hoped…

And this was it. What do you guys think? I hope you liked it! Please leave me a review and tell me your thoughts! I can't wait to read your opinions! :)
Thank you all for reading and a huge thanks to those who take time to review, I'm incredibly grateful for it!
As for the next chapter, it will be up at the latest in a week but I already have some written of it… So if I finish sooner then it'll be up sooner! :) Until then, xxx