A/N: This is a long chapter. Harm and Mac have been through quite a bit in a very short period of time and they are still dealing with issues from the past.

Chapter 9:

Slowly she opens her eyes, and looks around trying to get her bearings while fighting off the disorientation which threatens to overwhelm her. Moving at all proves to be difficult and she finds that her body is sore all over. Very slowly, she forces herself to sit up and take in her surroundings.

The room is dark and drab furnished only with the beat up love seat which she found herself lying on just a few moments ago. There are several windows, all covered with a patterned type of screening which at least allowed air to flow inside. She knows she has seen this room before. Looking down at her tattered and dirty clothing, she remembers the mission and being in the vehicle when the grenade underneath it exploded. She reaches to her extended midsection expecting to feel the cushion of the getup the CIA used to make her look pregnant. She is shocked to feel herself touching her own flesh.

Before she has a chance to consider this, a Middle Eastern man unlocks the door and steps into the room. She finds herself instantly on her feet and shakes her head in disbelief as her more of her memories begin to materialize.

His hair is dark, including the full beard and mustache and when he speaks to her it is in Arabic.

"You know that I do not speak Arabic, Sadik."

"Hello Sarah," he says, switching to Farsi using the same conceited tone she remembers.

"How can you be here," she says in English. "I shot you, twice. You're supposed to be dead."

"So you thought, Sarah," said Fahd, continuing in English. "Life is transitory, wouldn't you say?"

Sarah MacKenzie feels another spell of vertigo pass over her and she sits back down on the love seat.

"What do you want from me?" she asks, now unsure of the events which had led her here.

"What I wanted last time. I will ask the questions. You will answer them. If I do not get the answers I want, someone you are very deeply in love with will suffer a very slow and painful death."

Paraguay, she thinks to herself. I must still be in Paraguay on the mission with Webb. I must have been drugged and he's playing with me. These other memories I recall have to be an illusion. But how did I…

She reaches for her belly once more to be sure.

How did I get pregnant, she wonders.

Sadik turns to the guard at the door and orders, "Bring him!"

Mac expects to see a captive Clayton Webb being brought in. When she sees who Fahd's men drag into the room, she swallows a lump in her throat as a vice tightens around her heart. They fling the tall dark haired aviator into the middle of the room like a piece of refuse.

"Harm!" she cries, running to his side. She kneels next to him and quickly checks for injures. His face is bruised and bloodied from the beating he has received, but he is still conscious and somewhat alert.

"I will allow you a few moments together and then I will come for him. If you tell me what I want to know, you both will live, if not, he will die slowly, and you Sarah, you and your unborn child will join him shortly thereafter."

Fahd and his men retreat from the room, leaving Harm and Mac alone.

"Harm, are you all right? Where are you hurt?"

"Sarah," he begins, his words forming a desperate plea. "No matter what happens to me, don't tell them anything. You can't! There is too much at stake."

She helps him get to a sitting position while she checks him for injuries.

"Tell them what, Harm. What does he want from us?" she asks, still trying to remember the events leading to their capture. "I don't even remember how we got here. The last thing I can recall is being on the Patrick Henry."

She is still trying to get him to answer her when Fahd and his men return. Roughly, with no regard for his injuries, they pull Harm to his feet.

"I love you, Sarah," he says, just before they yank him away. "I always have."

The two men drag him out the door towards a small shack down the hill.

"Now, Sarah, you will tell me the arming codes. I will ask you this only once."

She shakes her head, not in refusal, but in ignorance, "I have no idea what you are talking about. Arming codes for what?"

"You aircraft carried two nuclear tipped missiles, Sarah. I want the arming codes for those weapons."

"Even if I knew what you are talking about, I wouldn't be able to help you, Sadik. The launch and arming codes for nuclear weapons are only transmitted just prior to deployment, and then, only by Presidential order. Neither one of us would have them."

"That is most unfortunate, for you, and your husband." He turns to the men behind him. "Bind her."

The men quickly move to either side and pull her to her feet. They force her to a post in the middle of the room and pull her arms around behind her, securing her wrists with a rough twine which threatens to cut into her skin if she struggles. Fahd picks up a hand held two way radio and keys the transmitter, "You may proceed, Mahmud," he says, while walking out the door.

A few seconds later she hears a bone chilling scream of agony which she recognizes as Harm's voice. Involuntarily, she screams his name at the top of her lungs.

"HARM!"

...

"HARM!"

Sarah feels herself being jostled around and when she opens her eyes she sees her husband leaning over her bunk. His eyes are filled with concern as he calls her name, "Mac…Mac…Sarah, wake up, Honey."

Caught somewhere between the realm of dream and reality, she throws her arms around him and clings on as if her very life depends on it. She feels her heart beating so hard that she expects it to burst forth from her chest. It is only the soothing sound of his voice and being held firmly in his arms which bring her fully into the here and now.

"It's okay, Sarah, you're safe, it's just a nightmare." he keeps repeating to her until she relaxes her death grip embrace.

A loud knocking on the hatch breaks into her consciousness.

"Captain Rabb, Colonel Mackenzie, it's the Master at Arms. Open the hatch, please."

She releases her grip on him and says in a labored breath, "Get the door, Harm."

Harm stands and moves to the hatch. When he opens the door a Master Chief quickly steps into the room, his sidearm drawn. Outside, she can see two more members of his security detail. When it is clear that no immediate threat exists, the Chief raises the muzzle of his pistol to a safe direction.

"Colonel," he begins. "We heard you scream out. Are you all right?" He is questioning her, but she notices his eyes are still on her husband.

"I'm okay, Master Chief, it was just a bad dream," she replies quickly.

The Master Chief relaxes noticeably while he holsters his sidearm. "It must have been some dream, ma'am. I heard you in my office at the end of this passageway." He turns his attention to Rabb. "Sorry to have to bust in on you like this, sir."

"It's not a problem, Master Chief," replies Harm. "Thanks for checking on us."

"You're welcome, sir. Permission to carry on?"

"Granted, Master Chief, goodnight."

"Goodnight, sir. Goodnight, ma'am."

Once they are alone, she climbs out of her rack and seeks the comfort of her husband's arms. She stays there with him, just standing in the middle of the room holding on to him and taking in his affection. For a while, she says nothing, and neither does he; their only communications being the gentle caressing they are sharing.

Her internal sense of timing tells her that fifteen minutes have transpired and she gently pulls away just enough to look up into his eyes.

"Hey, ninja girl, are you okay now?"

"A little better," she replies, although she knows her voice is betraying her. With the feelings the dream left her with she wonders if she will ever be okay.

"You want to tell me about it?" he asks.

"Only if you share my rack," she replies, barely above a whisper.

"It's going to be a little crowded, Mac. Are you sure?"

"I don't want to be alone right now, Harm."

He nods and slides into the lower bunk so that his back is against the bulkhead barely leaving enough room for her to join him. She slides under the blanket with him, nestling against him like a spoon. When he reaches around to hold her, she grabs his hand and draws it to her lips before holding it between her breasts.

"I was in Paraguay, Harm," she begins. "I had just regained consciousness after the explosion disabled our vehicle."

Behind her, Harm was silent, and she was grateful to be able to share at her own pace. She knows he is still paying attention by his caresses and his placement of kisses to the crown of her head. She continues telling him how the events of her dream so closely matched her ordeal until the point where she reached for her belly.

"In my dream, Harm, I was really pregnant," she says, pausing enough for him to respond.

"We talked about children on the flight out here, Sarah. Maybe that's why this is coming out in your dreams."

"Don't you want to know who the father was?" she asks, turning to look at him.

"I'm almost afraid to ask," he says, very subdued. The tone of his voice told her he was being honest.

She squeezes his hand as she replies, "At first, I didn't know either, I didn't think for a minute the baby was Clay's, I really wasn't sure."

"Go on," he prods, ever so gently.

"When Sadik came into the room, I started to remember everything which had happened after. Shooting him dead, breaking up with Clay, my endometriosis, the two of us reconciling at Christmas, our wedding, all of it. But even in my dream, Sadik was just as sick as he was in real life. I began to question what I thought was reality. It wasn't until his men dragged you into the room that I realized that I had been right. We were married and the baby was yours, ours."

"I was in your dream?"

She only nods, desperately fighting to hold back the tears.

"Mac, I…"

"Please, Harm, just let me get through this, okay," she pleads.

"I'm listening."

Mentally she steels herself, determined to finish what she had started.

"Sadik and his men were looking for weapons codes. They intended to torture you to death in an effort to force the information from us. When they dragged you away, Fahd told me he was going to kill you if I didn't tell him what he wanted to know. The last thing I remember, before waking up screaming you name, was hearing you cry out in agony…"

Emotion overwhelms her and she gives in, her body quakes as the uncontrollable sobs burst forth.

"Let it out, Sarah. Let it all out," says her husband, as he continues to stroke her hair. "It was all just a bad dream..."

She turns around so she can face him, placing a finger against his lips. When she has sufficiently recovered, she presses on.

"It's more than just a dream, Harm," she says to him. "It's guilt, forcing its way to the surface…"

"Guilt? Mac, what in the world do you have to feel guilty about?"

"Harm, just listen," she says, an uneasy edge in her voice. "Just let me get this out, okay."

Harm nods his head for her to go on.

"When Sadik and his men strapped me to that table, I had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to walk out of that room alive. I can't even put what I was feeling into words. Yeah, I was worried about what would happen to Clay after they killed me, but the one thought which kept running through my mind was, I would never get the chance to tell you how much you meant to me."

She pauses for a few moments, placing a finger on his lips to indicate that she isn't finished.

"When you appeared in the doorway and took out the men who were about to torture me to death, I was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. Love? You bet. Relief? Hell yeah. Anger? That too. I guess I expected you to sweep me into your arms and when that didn't happen…"

"Mac, we were under fire. I was trying to…"

"Trying to just keep us alive, I know that, Harm. Please, just let me finish," she says, fighting the frustration which is creeping into her voice.

"Later on, when we were back at the hotel, I found myself so angry at you for not telling me what you were feeling. I already knew you loved me, you wouldn't have traveled five thousand miles, thrown away your career, and risked your life for me if you didn't."

Her eyes are drenched in tears now and she feels herself beginning to tremble. She also feels his arms tighten around her. She doesn't mean for it to, but her voice rises with each sentence. "Maybe it has something to do with my past, but I wanted, no, I needed to hear you tell me those three little words. And when you didn't, I got angry and I pushed you away, again. When we got back home, you were out of a job and because of that you dropped out of my life. To make matters worse, I was vulnerable, so what do I do? I fall into Clayton Webb's arms. I'd done it again. I allowed myself to get involved with another man, when all along, I knew my heart still belonged to you, like it has almost from the day we met, and like it will until the day I die."

By the time she finishes, Sarah is almost shouting and she can see tears in his eyes as well. This is just as hard for him as it is for me, she thinks. Forcing her voice back to normal, she presses on.

"I've told you all about me seeing a therapist while we were back in DC. Commander McCool helped me a great deal, much more than you know. But the truth is, Harm, I'm still nowhere near cleaning out my garbage. The guilt I'm feeling is part of it. I need to get back into therapy but with everything that's happened; I haven't had a chance to find someone I trust. I've done a few sessions with Vicky over the phone and that's helped but I need to see someone face to face. Do you understand, Harm, does any of this make sense to you?"

"Yeah, Mac, it does," he replies. "Sarah, you, more than anyone else, knows how hard it has been me to discuss what I'm feeling, even with you. I know it isn't easy baring your soul. There are a lot of things I've told you that I would never tell anyone else. So yes, I do understand. What can I do to help?""

"Harm, I need to ask you something, and this is going to be difficult. You might get angry with me, but, I really need to know…"

"What is it, Sarah?"

"Right after I returned from the JAG conference in San Diego, I tried to call you about Mattie. Because you wouldn't get back to me I had to drive down to Blacksburg to see you in person."

She sees his expression go dark and she quickly interjects, "I know we've discussed this. Just hear me out. I've already told you how deeply I was hurt when you pushed me away, but there is something I didn't consider until tonight. My being there reminded you of Mattie's father, didn't it?"

When Harm looked away, she realized she had stumbled on the answer.

"The night before, I ran into Tom in the middle of town. He was so drunk he could barely stand. His little girl was in the hospital, fighting for her life, and all he seemed to care about was washing away his pain with booze," he say, the anger in his voice briefly startling her.

"Seeing you at the hospital, just reminded me of him. And I didn't want to take the anger I was feeling at him, out on you, Sarah. You've been through enough already…I am so sorry…so very sorry…for shutting you out…"

In the nine years they have known each other, this is the first time she has ever seen him truly break down. As he has done for her so many times before, her arms now provide a safe haven for him to grieve.

"What were you feeling just now," she remembers, as Vicky's voice echoes through her head.

"More than I intended," was her reply.

"That, Colonel, is grief."

Remembering how she was feeling and what she needed, she tightens her embrace around her husband.

"I won't ever try to push you aside again," he says, once he recovers enough to speak.

"I won't let you," she replies. "Sometimes people will push you away because they really want to be alone, and sometimes they do it just to see if you care enough to follow them into hell. I think I went the wrong way. I promise you, I won't make the mistake again."

"Sarah, I was so angry with him that I might have said something I didn't…"

"Shhh," she says, holding her fingers to his lips. "We gave up the right to shut each other out when we said I do. So deal with it, flyboy."

They stayed quiet for a while content to caress each other while basking in emotional intimacy. She wanted more, but she knew neither of them would be willing to risk their career on a transitory indiscretion. There would be time enough for that once they returned to the mainland. At least that is what she hoped for.

"Do you want your rack back, ninja girl?"

"No, I'm fine just the way we are, flyboy, unless you're not comfortable?"

"I'm good," he says. "I just want you to be at your best in court tomorrow. I understand the lead trial counsel is a real sadist." A tad of levity had returned to his voice.

"Are you speaking from experience, flyboy?" she teases.

"Not in the way that you're thinking," he retorts. "I'm just thankful she wasn't chosen as the Admiral's replacement."

"Yeah, I can see how awkward that could have been. You would have known how I first felt about Cresswell."

"I told you not to worry, Mac. Your record speaks for itself, and the General knows that."

She is silent with that as she remembers a conversation with her CO a few days before the incident which sent them to the Sea of Japan.

"Harm, have you thought about what's going to happen if this situation doesn't go well?"

"You mean, if we lose?"

"No, I mean, what happens if we win. The North Koreans probably aren't going to take it very well…and…we're already fighting in Afghanistan, we still have occupying forces in Iraq, we have forces deployed all over the globe in the war on terrorism. Our forces are stretched pretty far already, Harm. Think about what it will mean for us if a shooting war breaks out in Korea."

"I don't think it will have any effect on you personally although I would expect to see some of your staff being reassigned…"

"I'll lose two thirds of my staff to field deployments. My XO will end up spending more time on ships than he will at home. Harriet is worried sick. And what about you, Harm, do you think the Navy is going to keep that shinny new squadron of yours as a reserve piece. You could end up on the front lines."

She stops as she sees the expression on his face is one of acknowledgement instead of surprise. "You know something, don't you?" she presses.

"Call it a suspicion. I received a call today from Lockheed. The aircraft delivery schedule has been bumped forward. The remaining aircraft will be delivered to San Diego be the end of next week. I didn't say anything because I wanted to check into it before worrying you. I expect to have an answer tomorrow afternoon."

"I'm not going to like what I hear, am I," she says.

"No, because I certainly don't."

Saying nothing else, Sarah pulls her husband closer and buries her face into his chest. The dream was a warning, she thinks to herself.