This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: This is an all Turks episode.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead. Well, maybe not for this one. It is the Turks.

3rd Note: You get a reprieve. This is also a Giles-free episode.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Ten:  Interview!

            Tseng looked at Reno, then at Rude... and then back again. He took a deep breath. "Okay, Rufus wants a fourth member for our team."

           Reno snorted. "So who's it going to be? A SOLDIER? Or some random experiment Hojo has no use for?"

           "We get to pick the new recruit."

           Reno jumped up. "HELL YEAH! Let's get Zack!"

           "We can't get Zack," Rude said, "He's a general."

           Tseng held up a hand. It still had a goofy 'evil' face drawn on it. "I've already requested that the most qualified people be contacted and their resumes sent to us."

           "Dude, your hand..." Reno started.

           "I know. Aeris lied when she said it was magic marker."

The Interview Process Begins

            Tseng looked at the file. "I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure how to pronounce your name."

           The man in front of him, who was shrouded from head to foot in black with a pair of sunglasses over his eyes, mumbled something incoherently.

           "I see. So, tell me about your qualifications."

           The man began to mumbled louder and gestured animatedly.

           "Uh-huh. Can you describe for me one or two of your most important accomplishments?"

           The man mumbled something while nodding his head a lot.

           "Interesting. How would you describe yourself as a person?"

           The man mumbled, paused, and mumbled again.

           "Fascinating. Have you ever done any public or group speaking?"

           The man mumbled and made what might have been a happy gurgle.

           "Uh-huh. Keep going..."

           The man gestured some and made another gurgle.

           "All right. What in your last review did your supervisor suggest needed improvement?"

           The man mumbled something and shook his head.

           "Do you feel you work more effectively on a one to one basis or in a group situation?"

           The man mumbled again with a lot of gesturing.

           "Great." Tseng stood. "Thank you for your time." They shook hands and the man left.

           Reno and Rude looked at each other. "So... what did he say?" Reno asked.

           Tseng shrugged. "I have no clue." He straightened his tie. "Call in the next one."

           Rude opened the door and showed in a small, feral looking kid with messy brown hair and feral blue eyes. Reno punched himself in the face to keep himself from saying anything stupid.

           Tseng looked at the next file as the kid sat down. "Philip Michaels." He looked at the kid.

           "In your previous job what kind of pressures did you encounter?"

           The kid looked around, uneasy. "A lot of ageism and general discrimination."

           "Such as?"

           "Generally being picked on, cheek pulling, and people mistaking me for someone's kid."

           "What were some of the things about your last job that you found most difficult to do?"

           The kid stretched his shoulders by hunching and un-hunching them. "Looking people in the eye. That's mostly a height problem though."

           "Understandable. Do you prefer working alone or in groups?"

           "Alone."

           "Ah. What kind of people do you find it most difficult to work with?"

           "Living ones."

           Tseng smiled. "What are some things you particularly liked about your last job?"

           "I got to disembowel the coworkers who didn't follow orders."

           "Well, Philip, it was nice talking with you. We'll call you tomorrow to tell you whether or not you'll be transferring."

           "Thanks." The kid jumped up and left without shaking hands.

           Reno looked at Tseng. "Oh for the love of God, no."

           Rude raised an eyebrow. "Transfer him to Hojo."

           Tseng nodded. "Already on it." He made a quick call laden with pass codes. He looked up when he was finished. "Next one."

           Rude opened the door, and then shut it very quickly. He looked at Tseng. The leader of the Turks nodded. Rude took a deep breath and opened the door. A limping, hunchbacked, green skinned Sephiroth clone hobbled through the door.

           "Seffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroth!"

           Tseng pulled a Frisbee out from under the desk and threw it out the door. Number Six galloped after it.

           "Next one, please."

Several Hours Later....

            Tseng looked over the file at the young blonde in front of him, ignoring Reno's motions of worship at the size of her bosom.

           "Your file doesn't state your age, Miss Elena."

           Elena snorted. "A woman doesn't reveal her age. Suffice it to say, I'm not jail bait and I'm not old enough to be your mother."

           Tseng opened his mouth, thought better of it, and moved on to his first question, "What kind of work environment do you prefer?"

           "Relaxed with the occasional shooting."

           "What supervisory experience have you had?"

           "In my current position, I supervise the youth firearms program. Most of them want to be assassins when they grow up. It's required me to grow eyes in the back of my head."

            "Really."

           "Yes." She smiled, looking directly at Tseng. "Really. And if your partner back there doesn't stop masturbating, he's going to be missing the family jewels shortly."

           Reno dropped his hands.

           Tseng smiled. "How would you rate your communication skills?"

           "I rate them as excellent. I say what I think and I think that if you want to get anything done at all around here, you need to start by killing Shinra."

           Tseng looked at the file, mostly to hide laughter in his eyes. "I see you were a navigator before taking up your current career."

           Reno snorted. "Anyone can be a navigator if he can tell his ass from his elbow."

           Elena looked at the red head. "I believe that leaves you out."

           Rude bent over laughing.

           Reno frowned. "Anybody who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

           "Save your breath...You'll need it to inflate your date."

           "I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing."

           Elena smiled brightly. "Do you here the bell? Cause you're gettin' schooled."

           Tseng stood up. "All right you two. Settle down. Thank you, Elena. We'll call you tomorrow." Elena stood gracefully and shook Tseng's hand before leaving.

           Tseng sighed. "Call in--"

           "We gotta hire her, man."

           Tseng looked at Reno. "What?"

           "Come on! She's hot! And she so totally wants me!"

           Rude, having regained his composure, "Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"

           "Please hire her!"

           Tseng sat down and put the file away. "If I hire her, you have to promise me that you won't come crying when she shoots you in the ass."

           Reno held up his hand. "Turk's honor."

           "Any objections, Rude?"

           "I like her."

           "Great." Tseng stood and opened the door. Elena stood there with a very bright and very smug smile. "You're hired. Get your ass in here."

           Elena sauntered into the office as Tseng closed the door.

           "Ah right! Initiation time!" Reno punched the air with his fist.

           "What? We all hit the nearest dive and get drunk off our asses?" she asked. Reno nodded. "I'll drink a lightweight like you under the table in no time flat."

           Tseng put his head in his hands. "Oh dear God..."

           Rude patted his shoulder in agreement.