Sorry for the long wait, I had serious writer's block. Seriously, couldn't put a word on the paper without them being all shit. I seem to be over it now but this is, again, mostly a filler chapter. Who am I kidding, it's just filler. Fluff at the end so bring a sick bag. Hope you all enjoy and once again thanks for all your brilliant reviews, we aren't too far from the magical 500 barrier, when I might actually weep with joy. Have fun.
Oh, and I was re-reading the whole thing through and I've noticed loads of dumb little mistakes. I don't have a beta (too used to ruthlessly policing my university work) but I'm thinking I should get one to catch the mistakes that slip through my grammar net. Any takers? Preferably someone who is prepared to be ruthless with anything they think is dumb or shit about the story itself as well as my comma use. Send me a PM if you're up for it, ta.
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The chatter in the Akatsuki kitchen a few hours later was mostly centred around what super powers they would want should their evil overlords ever put the effort into evil science.
"I want to be able to fuck with people's minds, you know, like little red-eye does."
"You're already immortal, what more do you want?"
"Sometimes I think my approach is too straightforward, seriously, I'd broaden my range when it comes to fucking people up." He scratched his chin contemplatively.
"Which part of all your stupid rituals and fucking performance is straightforward?"
Hidan curled his lip, goddamn heathens, "That isn't a fucking performance, how else are idiots supposed to know the significance of being sacrificed?"
Kakuzu rolled his eyes, putting his pen down to mark the page in his ledger. You couldn't be too careful in this place; the surrounding cretins refused to respect other people's property. "You're the only idiot around here. Kisame has a straightforward approach. You are a drama-queen."
Evidently having an invigorating fight to the death was good for the priest's anger issues as he just waved his hand as if to dismiss that comment. "What I really mean, if I can get a fucking word in, is that all the sacrifices I do are purely physical. I'm sure Jashin-sama would be stoked if I could torture them mentally as well."
Zetsu shook his head from where he was busy darning the cloaks that had been damaged in the battle. "You weird me out. Even me."
Hidan leaned back, crossing his arms behind his head. "You fuckers know it makes sense, I'd get them to give me a sharingan, only better, and less likely to make you go shit-hot crazy."
Itachi looked positively enraged with his slightly furrowed brows. Kisame came away from his cooking to pat him on the shoulder and prevent him breaking the relative peace.
"Maybe they could give you a brain? Wouldn't that be fucking something Hidan?"
"Come on, Kakuzu, they'd be mad scientists, yeah, not magicians."
The men snickered while Hidan lazily gave them all the finger. "Fuck you guys, seriously. Come on then blondie, what would you have? You've already got freaky shit all over you."
"Fuck off Hidan, I'd have them make me able to explode but all my bits would come together and I'd be ready to do it again." Deidara's eyes were oddly bright and far away while discussing this, oblivious to the shared looks of derision between his comrades.
"Well, colour me fucking surprised, what about you stitches?"
"I'd get them to install a cretin-repelling device. Pein would have to give me a new partner then. In fact, I might have to get a new job altogether."
Deidara jeered at the bounty hunter along with the rest before turning to Kisame, again looking like a perverse house-wife. "What would you have, Kisame?"
The huge man paused, tapping his plastic stirrer against the pan to knock the liquid off. "I dunno, I'm pretty damn awesome as it is."
He laughed as he dodged several projectiles, expertly catching a pen before it landed in his prepared rice. Hidan studied the shark from across the table, "How about not being blue?"
"What's wrong with being blue like? Had me many a lady compliment me on it."
"Hell if you pay up front they'll say whatever you want!" The priest ducked under the table laughing as Kisame took a swipe at him.
Hidan's skin was saved by Sakura's flamboyant entry, slamming open the door so hard it practically split. Evidently her attempts to forcibly remind Pein and Konan that she was an unwilling prisoner and would not be toddling off to do the evil bidding of her kidnappers had been unsuccessful. The men were secretly relieved, well Kakuzu and Zetsu were mostly indifferent, but the majority were. Hidan eyed her up from under the table; she looked pissed as all hell. His eyes went a little misty, she was just wonderful. Also if he crouched down just so he could almost see up her skirt. However that little experiment was cut short by Kakuzu, who knew him far too well, and distracted him by means of a solid kick in the ribs.
Taking a good measure of satisfaction in the pained yelp from under the table Kisame decided to head off any trouble by distracting the angry young woman before she considered taking it out on one of them. Well, that was a little silly, that was probably the first thing she considered but he planned to get there before she thought about actually acting on that idea.
Crossing the kitchen in a few strides he thrust a large knife into her hand and directed her to the large pile of vegetables stacked up next to a chopping board. "The first thing about learning to cook is preparing your ingredients."
Ignoring with some difficulty the dangerous look she turned on him he pointed to the pile and asked her to dice them up. "You know your way around a knife; this will be a piece of piss."
After a tense moment where it seemed as though Sakura might just lose her temper and start using one of Kisame's prized cooking knives in a manner it wasn't strictly designed for she blew out a sigh and turned to the board. The rest of the men who had been frozen in anticipation relaxed silently behind her. There was no conversation until she had mushed a few innocent vegetables beyond recognition and the stiff line of her shoulders softened a bit.
Deidara always liked living on the edge so he was the first to open his mouth and break the tense silence. "If you could be engineered like those freaks earlier, what would you have done?"
Apparently he was the correct person because although she turned a hard look on him she managed not to fling the knife at his head. "Depends, do I have to be bald like those idiots?"
Deidara and Itachi paled, that thought hadn't crossed their minds. On instinct the blonde pushed his hands into his locks while the Uchiha stroked the end of his pony-tail in a comforting manner. The rest of the men shared a disgusted look, although Zetsu was desperately trying to picture Deidara without any hair.
"You two need your man cards fucking revoked, goddamn." Hidan was sure he'd look just as damn sexy bald.
Kakuzu gripped his pen and ignored them all harder.
Kisame reached over and detached Itachi's death grip on his hair, "Supposing you didn't have to be?"
Sakura leaned her hip against the worktop and tapped her foot, her classic thinking pose. "I'd have ... actually I'd get them to make me like you Kisame."
They all turned to her, picturing how the blue would clash with her hair. Kisame looked inordinately pleased by this, giving the others a smug smile. Even Itachi looked very confused by this statement so Sakura explained a bit further.
"I want ass-loads of chakra to play with. I could do whatever the hell I wanted if I was never gonna run dry. Nobody would die around me that's for sure."
Kisame just nodded, "Yeah, see? I am pretty damn awesome. God I love being me."
Sakura laughed, these people were such freaks, before the shark began showing her how to make a proper stock.
"I think you're wasting your time Kisame, I've never got the hang of cooking." Sakura wrinkled her nose dubiously at the content of the pan she was stirring.
"You've never had a genius like me teaching before, now don't let that stick to the bottom or it'll burn and it'll taste all kinds of fucked up."
"You're telling me all these mass-murderers can get an apron on and whip up a three course meal?"
"Well, Itachi can't – "
"God no, his food is fucking terrible!"
"We all had the screaming shits for like a week, yeah?"
Itachi attempted to glare them all to death before looking to Kisame to support him. Kisame wrung his hands in his apron, an image that would be forever burned into Sakura's memory, while he thought up how to best phrase his response.
"Well, it's not great, but he doesn't have time to practice – "
Again the shark was cut off by the boos and jeers of his fellows who again threw anything they had to hand at him. This time it was Sakura who protected the dinner by catching a handful of clay from the air and flicking it back to its owner with a warning look. Kakuzu slammed his hands down on the table after Hidan plucked the pen out of them to fling at Kisame. He muttered a few filthy things under his breath before pulling another pen out of his pocket and with an air of pained resignation, returning to his ledgers.
"You've got something brown on your nose there Gills."
"Don't defend the little bitch, his cooking's ass, he'll fucking live, seriously."
Kisame looked apologetically at Itachi before turning back to his cooking. Sakura rolled her eyes at them all. She was clearly going to have to go on this mission. Pein had told her that if she didn't want to die a very painful, messy and embarrassing death then she had better not piss off Madara. Not pissing him off meant doing everything he said and no backchat. So for the foreseeable future, until the old coot got bored and stopped caring, she was an honorary Akatsuki member. That really pissed her off. Still, it wasn't the fault of these morons; they all had to do the weird shit Madara came up with too. She just hoped they wouldn't all kill each other during said stupid mission.
Hidan and Kakuzu loathed each other with an unequalled passion. Deidara hated Itachi and it was probably reciprocated, as far as Itachi's lack of emotions would allow. Kisame was unfortunately stuck in the middle, being so easy going he was nearly always the referee. Sakura wasn't at all sure how she fitted into the dynamic and whether she ever would. As much as she liked these guys, she wanted to get back to some sense of normality and with them around it wasn't likely. Still, would be a damn shame to give up so much eye-candy.
"So what usually happens on your missions? No offence to you guys, but you don't seem like you do many undercover, gathering information with no killing or blowing stuff up type missions." Sakura added her prepared vegetables to the stock with a flourish.
"Actually it's Kisame and Itachi that do most undercover missions, sometimes Kakuzu."
"You get the seven foot tall blue guy to do your stealth missions?"
The men tried to look affronted, but it was kind of hard when the facts were laid out like that. They all looked at each other, waiting to see who was going to pick up the ball on that one. Eventually, it was Itachi who came up with the explanation.
"Deidara and Hidan find it physically impossible not to draw attention to themselves at all times. Zetsu cannot adequately disguise the fact he has a large plant covering his head and Pein and Konan are too well known. With well placed hats and cloaks, Kisame is able to hide his appearance and when in civilian areas his large amount of chakra means he can keep up a henge indefinitely."
His brows creased when he realised everyone was staring at him and Sakura especially looked stunned. Even Kakuzu had stopped balancing their expenses. "Is something the matter?"
Hidan forced himself to snap his jaw closed, his teeth clacking together. Deidara didn't feel the need to do so, leaving it hanging open in shock. "Has he ever said that much? Ever?"
"Not all in one go." Kisame barely managed to restrain himself from putting a hand to the Uchiha's forehead to check if there was something wrong with him.
Sakura's subconscious allowed her to move the pan that was bubbling over off the heat. "Even when he fucks with Sasuke he doesn't say that much."
Kisame bit his lip to prevent the grin threatening to split his face; it was the hormones, it must be! He must want to actively talk to Sakura and he was getting a bit of practice in! He was sensible enough not to share this theory, not much fancying the idea of being murdered in his sleep by a pissed off and socially awkward partner.
Itachi merely rolled his eyes and reached over to snag another mini rice-ball from the centre of the table to stave off his hunger until the meal was ready. Slowly the shock began to wear off and the chatter turned back to the mission. Lightening was a big place after all, the six of them would be needed to cover the amount of ground while Zetsu, Pein, Konan and Madara continued the mopping up of any further Lightening attacks on Rain.
"You don't think they'll notice me? If they are allied with Konoha just now, surely the message that one of their medics has been grabbed by you guys will have got around?"
"It's like Pein said, they're all dumber than shit. Fuck, if they can't notice a blue guy what makes you think pink hair will get their attention, seriously?"
"Yeah I guess so. So he said we leave in the morning, what time is morning around here?"
"Around ten or so, there's no real rush."
"Ten o'clock? Ten? Not like five? That's what morning means in Konoha missions."
"Probably explains why so many leafs have got a serious stick up their ass, yeah?"
"I should've come here years ago..."
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Sakura's room in the base was surprisingly comfortable and stylish. She wasn't sure if, when she got home, she should pass this information along. It was widely regarded as fact that the Akatsuki all lived in either caves, or ridiculous Orochimaru-inspired super-bases underground, and their rooms were all full of the heads of their enemies and the assorted vermin generally associated with evil people. For her to correct them to the fact they stayed in airy, tastefully decorated rooms with ample storage space and the comfiest mattresses known to man might damage their evil persona. Besides, with how hard the PR department worked people wouldn't believe her anyway.
She had just picked a book from the shelf (a wide selection and not an evil text amongst them) and gotten into bed when there was a knock at the door. Figuring she'd been unconscious around these people a lot, there was no need to be all shy just because she wasn't fully dressed she told them to come in.
It was Deidara, carrying a couple of cups of tea and looking pleased she'd allowed him in. "Kisame made some tea," he gestured to the cups a little unnecessarily.
Sakura smiled, out of all of the Akatsuki he was definitely the cutest, all big blue eyes and shy grins. She waved her hand to the end of the bed to invite him to sit and took the cup he offered as he sat.
The air was a little tense and Sakura thought she knew exactly the reason, "I'm sorry, you know, about Sasori."
He scrunched up his face in a way that she found thoroughly adorable, "Why, yeah?"
"I'm not sorry I killed him, you guys were being real dicks that day. Besides, he was doing his best to kill me too, nearly did as well. But you two obviously got on, so I'm sorry you don't have that anymore."
He gave her a piercing look, his eyes unusually serious and making her feel suddenly exposed before they softened and he smiled wryly. "Work is work you know? I just do what I'm told."
"You were sitting on Gaara-kun when we first saw you." She raised her eyebrow but smirked slightly to show she wasn't getting at him.
"He literally ripped my arm off; I needed a fucking sit down after that."
"Then Kakashi cut off your other one, I remember. Team Gai won't admit it but you impressed the hell out of us being able to fight them off and get away without any arms."
He grinned cockily, tipping his chin back to preen. "Yeah I guess, I don't remember that day too well; think I blocked most of it out. Sasori-danna nearly killed you?"
"Yeah, look," ignoring his slight spluttering as she reached for the hem of the huge shirt she was sleeping in, one of Kisame's probably, she pulled it up far enough that he could see the thick, white scar from Sasori's blade.
"I know you're a medic and all, but how the hell did you survive that?" His fingers twitched as if he wanted to reach out and touch the scar, but knew better than to be so forward.
"If it hadn't been for Chiyobaa-sama I wouldn't have. I'd figured out the antidote to his poisons too, that was a real bastard but it was worth it for the look on his face when I didn't just fall over."
"Me and Sasori argued all the time about art, I do miss him, but I guess you proved me right once and for all, eternal art wasn't all he made it out to be."
Sakura smiled, remembering hearing the others describe their battle with the blonde artist, "Art is a bang."
He looked shocked for a second before smiling widely, fighting the heat rising to his cheeks. Seeing she had finished her tea he took her cup and headed for the door, "Goodnight Sakura."
"Goodnight Deidara."
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The next morning Sakura was awake extremely early. Her body had evidently heard the word mission and was working on Konoha time. Consequently she found herself back in the kitchen, going through the Akatsuki's breakfast things to kill time until the rest of them woke up. Fixing herself up a huge plate, after all, she'd never been to Lightening, the food could be terrible there, she was sitting at the table when Hidan appeared. He was yawning and he hadn't slicked his hair down yet so it was flowing around his face. Seeing her he gave her a lazy smile before shuffling to the fridge to get his own breakfast. Evidently his gregarious personality only emerged after food and the huge cup of coffee he poured himself.
"That much coffee can't be good for you," she looked pointedly at it, conveniently ignoring her own cup.
He grunted slightly, pouring enough sugar into it that the spoon practically stood up by itself. He didn't form a coherent response for a few moments while he fuelled himself up. "Hell, bitch, it isn't like it's gonna kill me."
His voice was rough and quieter than normal as he wasn't having to shout over his comrades to get his point across. Sakura smiled behind her own cup, he was good company when he wasn't being obnoxious. "So you can't be killed right? Can you die of old age?"
Hidan sipped his coffee syrup, looking thoughtful. "I don't age the same; I've looked like this for a good few years now. I guess I'll die eventually but it all depends on what Jashin-sama has planned for me. I'm his favourite priest you know." The last statement was accompanied by an arrogant grin that made him even more handsome.
"Why doesn't that surprise me? So you have to sacrifice people, anything else?"
Hidan leaned forward onto the table, resting his chin on his arms, he seemed quietly pleased that his new favourite girl was interested in the most important thing in his life. "It's like other religions really, except a hundred times fucking better, seriously. There are rituals and prayers and only killing and torturing is ok. Things like stealing and raping and shit like that are a big no-no."
Sakura evidently looked confused because he rumbled a deep bass laugh, "You'll get goddamn wrinkles doing that, it's a religion, it's got rules same as any other."
"I guess, word is you can transform and shit? The rumours don't really go into specifics." She reached across to snag some food off his plate, a little touched that he pushed it closer to her to make it easier.
"I don't change into a fucking truck or anything. The change means that I'm linked to the soon-to-be-sacrificed. It's practical and impressive for bystanders, works on many levels."
She giggled, Hidan giving her a pleased smirk on hearing it. "I must admit, I'd never heard of Jashinism until I heard of you."
"Well, there aren't many of us. Jashin-sama chooses you; you can't just go down the local temple and convert. Us priests can recommend a person to him but if he's not interested you're fucked."
"So what's the criteria, pure, white gowns, flowers in the hair virgin types?"
Here he laughed out loud, "Hell no! How the fuck would I have got this gig then? Jashin-sama likes interesting folks, when we live as long as we do he's gotta like us to put up with us."
Sakura couldn't help but laugh along, Hidan's jovial manner and rich laugh were just too contagious. They continued chatting for a while, with Sakura mostly listening to the fascinating stories that Hidan told. For someone who came across as totally crazy, well he was totally crazy but still, he had his finger directly on the pulse point of a lot of things. She was totally absorbed in his tales of how Orochimaru's many attempts to try it on with Itachi when the others started filtering in. She sensed their little discussion was over as he became the loud, strutting man she was so used to once again. She smiled shyly at Deidara when the blonde appeared, already ready with immaculate hair as always. He grinned in return before involving himself in the mad rush for the toaster.
Stirring her second cup of coffee and listening to the banter flowing around her she felt scarily like she could get used to this, to this place, to these people. It was a sobering thought and she forced herself to picture how good she had things back home. Naruto's mega-watt grin, Sai's cutting put downs, Kakashi's terrible excuses, Tsunade's bad habits, Ino-pig's potential weight-gain. She would go home, eventually, but looking around at her new comrades she made a decision to enjoy the time she had with them. Barring a magical reconciliation between all ninja nations it was unlikely she would have regular contact with them again. Ever again, if her overprotective friends back home had a say, and that was more depressing than she cared to contemplate.
Pushing all that away she enjoyed the feeling of being pressed up between the artist and the priest and involved herself in the ritual pre-mission mocking of Madara. Enjoy the present, worry about the future some other time.
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R/R