Chapter 10

The bedroom was illuminated by the dim light of morning, making soft shadows on the walls and sheets, and putting on an almost magic atmosphere. Kate was sitting in bed, the sheets brought to her lap and her back against the window behind the bed. Jack was still in a deep sleep, snoring by her side, as she contemplated the beautiful day that was starting. It was a mid-June morning, clear and sunny, a perfect day for being on the beach, or playing in the garden with Ella.

Jack moved in his sleep, but Kate didn't notice. She was too lost in her world to notice. She only realized her husband was awake when she felt his hand on her thigh and his mouth on her neck. He obviously wanted some action, but Kate was just not in the mood. She looked at the sunny garden as he kept kissing her neck, and smiled a little when she pulled away from him. He stared at her with curious eyes, as if he was truly surprised, and not very sure of what he should think. She smiled, looking away.

"Good morning to you too." he smiled a little, regarding her as if he was expecting her to make a move to return to what she was doing before. As if she had just stopped him to say good morning, a mere formality, and allowed him to return to his morning activity. This thought made something boil inside Kate, and in that moment, she hated him. She hated him with all her strength, with all her soul. The incident she had almost forgotten was now coming to her mind again, and the thought that Jack's body had been touched by other women's hands disgusted her.

He had started kissing her again, her neck and shoulders, but the thought that crossed her mind made her impose distance between them, which lead Jack to look at her with an exasperated look.

"What?" he said, expecting her to answer in a sweet, soft way. She realized, with that simple look, that Jack didn't know her at all.

"I have a headache." Pulling her legs from under the sheets, she got up and walked her way to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Leaning on the sink, she looked at the mirror and saw herself tired, so tired she couldn't believe it. Sitting on the closed toilet seat, she placed her head in her hands, letting herself sink. She didn't count on the opening door, and on seeing Jack walk into the bathroom. He sat on the side of the tub, in front of her, and looked at her with that usual patronizing expression that made her want to kill him. She sighed at his look, feeling like a teenager whose parents wanted to have the first serious conversation with. Kate stared at Jack's eyes with a defiant look, almost teasing him. She wanted him to be as mad with her as she was with him, she almost wanted him to hate her.

"Are we ever going to talk about this?" she stared at him blankly.

"About what?" he gave her that smile she hated so much.

"The fact that we haven't had sex in weeks." She looked away. She was avoiding any intimate contact ever since the night she had fantasized about Sawyer. It was too dangerous, wanting to have sex with Jack, knowing it would probably happen again.

"I've had other things on my mind." He smiled a bit.

"What other things?"

"Nothing you should worry about." She continued to stare at him with a blank expression, while her rage was almost reaching the boiling point.

"Well, I can't know if I shouldn't worry about it if I don't know what it is." He paused, looking at her with pleading eyes. "Tell me your problems, Susie. I want to be able to help you with them. You're my wife. We're supposed to share everything."

"Those are my things, Jack. Things that are too insignificant and stupid for me to take them seriously." Kate got up from the toilet seat and walked by Jack to get to the room, turning her back on him. When she was in the closet, trying to decide what she ws going to wear, she heard him hit the wall, shrugging. Looking behind her shoulder, she heard him.

"Honestly, Susan, I don't think I'll ever understand you!" she looked at him with her eyes suddenly saddened. That statement made her even more sure of what she had thought before. He would never know her. Walking to the entrance of the closet, she looked at his eyes with a firm and clear mind.

"Yes, that's a big possibility." Closing the door on his face, she turned the key and locked it, falling to the floor and looking at the shirt she had in her hands and hearing him walk away.

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She was sitting in the garden, looking at Ella, who was playing in the garden with one of her little friends that lived in the neighbourhood. She looked at the kids, who were watering the flowers, and walked to them, letting her hand get lost in the middle of the young boy's blonde curls.

"Hey Aaron. You ok?" the boy looked at her with a smile and nodded, looking back at Ella with an adorable expression. Kate loved the way the two kids played along, best friends since childhood, reminding her of her own time in Iowa. Leaving the kids alone, she walked back to her chair, where the kid's mother, another of her friends, was sitting. When she sat in her chair again, Claire looked at her with a smile.

"I have a feeling they're gonna get married when they grow up." She said with a smile, and still a hint of her Australian accent. Claire was an Australian woman, married to another Australian, Tom. Beautiful and with angelical looks, she was funny and clumsy at the same time, but an amazing mother to her five year old son. Her husband had gotten a job promotion and moved to Boston when she was pregnant, so the boy was already born in the United States. Claire was also terribly romantic, very unlike Kate, and she loved staying with the kids and playing with them. The only problem was that, now that she was seven months pregnant, it got hard to take care of two hyperactive children such as those two. Because of that fact, Claire was sitting in the shadow, with a glass of lemonade in her hands, while Kate was doing all the dirty work. "Seriously, look at them! They already love each other!" Kate smiled.

"Yeah. It's beautiful to see how connected they are." Kate placed her hand on Claire's prominent belly, waiting to feel the baby move. Claire took her hand and placed it a bit higher, making some pressure.

"I can't feel it" Claire smiled and placed Kate's hand on a diferent angle. "Oh, I feel it now!" Kate laughed, touched by the baby's movement, and feeling a lump in her throat. She missed the time she was pregnant with Ella, feeling her inside her tummy and being able to have the baby with her all the time. She remembered so well, lying in that same chair alone, feeling her move inside herself. "She's kicking so hard!"

"She's very active... I think she's gonna top those two in hyperactivity." Claire laughed a bit. "God forbid..."

"Nah, I like them like that." Kate smiled a little and rested her back on the chair, putting her hair behind her ear. "I miss the time I was pregnant. I miss having her that close to me."

"Yeah, I felt the same way about Aaron. That's why I got pregnant again." She looked at Kate with a smile. "Why don't you do the same? You could have another kid, I bet Jack would be thrilled." Kate smiled sadly and looked away.

"Yeah, I might think about that"

"It's that bad, huh?" Claire was now looking at the kids.

"Yeah."

They got quiet for a couple of minutes, letting the new information sink. For Claire, it was almost heartbreaking seeing her friend have marital problems, and for Kate, it was the fall of the last barrier. She had admitted to her friend she was having problems, which made her realize she couldn't pretend to have that perfect life everybody thought she had. And in the back of her mind, there was the fact that she had turned her back on Sawyer, four days ago, in the street.

Shaking away those thoughts, she looked back at the kids, seeing that Aaron was picking a flower to give Ella. The little girl looked at the flower and smiled, giving her buddy a kiss on the cheek. Kate and Claire watched the scene from apart, smiling like crazy and with their eyes filled with tears.

"I think that was the sweetest thing I've ever seen..." Claire said, her words caught in her throat. Kate brushed a tear away and looked at Claire.

"Yeah. They're both beautiful." Looking at Claire's belly, she touched it again, smiling. "And this one is going to be a beauty herself."

"Oh, I meant to ask you about something." Taking a sip from her drink, Claire looked at Kate with a smile.

"What?"

"I wanna name my daughter after her Godmother." Kate smiled a bit, not really understanding Claire's point. "And I'm gonna name her Susan." Claire had a beautiful and happy smile on her face, and as soon as Kate understood the importance of the information she had just recieved, she opened a big smile, looking at her friend in disbelief.

"You're asking me to be her Godmother?" Claire nodded, and Kate hugged her tightly, laughing insanely. "Of course I will be, thank you so much for trusting me." She said in her friend's ear. Claire was already crying again, but Kate was now too happy for tears.

"I'm so glad you accepted! My sister is Aaron's Godmother, and I really wanted you to be little Susie's Godmother too!" Kate smiled and looked at Claire.

"I just have sort of a suggestion..."

"What?"

"About that name... I actually hate the name Susan, and I don't want the little girl to have such a terrible name." Kate was looking at her hands while saying that. She wanted the girl to have her real name, not some fake name chosen by Christian. "What do you think of Katharine? Kate? I wanted to give Ella that name, but Jack wanted her to have his grandmother's name"

"Kate... Kate, I like it. I also like Katie. Katie is really sweet" she smiled. "Katie it is, then."

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Kate was now standing in the kitchen, the house phone placed in the counter in front of her. Next to the phone was that Starbucks coffee cup, with the writings turned towards her.

Kate didn't know if she should call him or not. She wanted to apologize, she wanted to make him understand she had to do it, she had to avoid him. She couldn't let Shannon see him, or she could recognize him, and she didn't want Ella to meet him in the middle of the street. But most of all, she didn't want to take the risk of letting herself feel that scent again, or be so close to him as she was that night.

He wouldn't understand that, would he? He would still think she was ignoring him, finding herself too good for him, with her perfect life and her adulterous husband and beautiful daughter. She would think that way, if she was him.

But why was she caring so much about him? She had known him for a couple of weeks, and seen him three or four times. He was nothing in her life, and even telling herself that, she couldn't bring herself to take him out of her mind. He was everywhere: in the cowboy movie she had seen the previous night, with that southern accent, in the magazine she was reading (which came with a sample of a man's perfume that was just like his), and even Aaron's blue eyes reminded her of Sawyer's eyes. She was seeing him in everything she did, everything she saw. She wanted to talk to him about Claire's daughter, her Godchild that would carry her name, and wanted to tell him she thought Boone was really in love with Shannon, but was just scared. She wanted him to know her life, wanted him to be able to respond to her remarks about Shannon's love life, or make commentaries about her own life. She wanted to know his life too. She wanted to know what he had felt with Cassidy, if he had loved her enough to tell her that. What had happened to his parents, if they still lived happily in the South, or if they lived in Boston too. She wanted to know him. That night, that crazy night, had been all about her. She had told him her life, ever since she had moved to Boston. She had talked to him about her friends, Shannon, Claire and some others, about her daughter, about Jack and his parents, even about her parents. But she felt like she knew nothing about him. She wanted to know him better, to be able to tell the way he would react to something, to an event or a word. She wanted to know him deeply, to his core.

This thought scared her. She was letting herself act like a schoolgirl who was in love with her teacher. Sawyer was a friend, and should be regarded as that. If I can, she thought with a silent laugh. Picking the phone up from the counter, she pushed the buttons with the correct number and waited to hear his voice. He took what seemed to be an eternity to pick up, and answered with his slow, usual voice.

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is Sus... Kate. Freckles." She heard him laugh lightly, a bitter and low laugh that scared her to death.

"Am I supposed to know you, now?" she looked at the garden, feeling herself get sick. She decided to go on with the conversation.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk about that. I wanted to apologize..."

"About what? Come on, girly, do I even know you? I've spent a couple of hours with you on a garden and had coffee with you in a goddamn starbucks. You think I'm gonna marry you or something?" she smiled a bit, her eyes filling up with tears. She should have known better. Taking a deep breath, she put herself together again.

"Yes, you must be right. I'm sorry to bother you, have a nice afternoon." Hanging up the phone, Kate let her head fall on her arms and cried.