CHAPTER 10
Matt sat there in stunned silence, staring at the floor. Our lives had just been turned upside down by the revelation that I had just shared. I was sure by the look on his face that his mind was turning it over and over, trying to comprehend it all. I heard him blow out a long, slow breath. His hands were still on his knees and his shoulders and head were bent forward.
"Matt...I know this is a lot to take in, but…" I said. He said nothing, only nodded his head in agreement. He looked up and rubbed the palm of his hand over his face.
"OK…", he began, "now that this is all out in the open, I have to ask...what does this have to do with Maddy or me? This all happened over ten years ago." It was the same exact question that was on my mind. My father started to talk, only to be interrupted by Dr. Harrison.
"Let me take it from here , Jim," he said. He had remained silent through the entire conversation up until now. "I was one of Madeleine's doctors at Odessa Regional Hospital."
"You took care of me after I lost the baby?" I asked. "In a way, yes," he said. "I was your psychiatrist."
"Daddy?" I looked at my father for answers because I had no recollection at all of this man being a part of my life. "Let him finish, baby girl."
"You had a mental breakdown after you learned about Mr. Walker's death. You were in the hospital for several months, Madeleine. You were suicidal and you needed specialized care."
"OK...I get that, but I still don't understand what all of this has to do with my life now?" I wanted someone to tell me the reason that they were disrupting our lives on this Sunday afternoon. My father took my hand in his.
"Maddy, I hope you know that me and your mother thought we were doing what was best for you at the time. We were afraid that you were going to kill yourself, baby girl." I couldn't take it anymore and blew up. "Would you all just stop holding my hands and tell me what the hell is going on?!" I shouted.
"Your baby didn't die, Madeleine. Your little girl is alive and she needs your help." said Audra. I couldn't speak or move. I sat motionless, hoping that the last hour had been a bad dream that I would be waking up from in Matt's arms. This couldn't be happening. Not now, not when Matt and I were struggling to have a baby of our own.
"Maddy, please understand...we told you that the baby died to help you. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you were in no frame of mind to take care of newborn after Jackson was killed. You could barely take care of yourself." My father, the man that had been my hero for my entire life, looked different to me now. He had never kept anything from me before, at least not that I knew of.
"So you thought it would be better for me to tell me that our baby died? The only part of Jace that I could have kept? You thought it would somehow help me with my recovery. I've never heard such bullshit in my life. You knew how much I was grieving, but you decided to make it all worse by telling me our baby girl didn't make it. What in God's name were you thinking, Daddy?" My body was shaking with rage. I didn't think I had any tears left in me, but they were cascading down my cheeks like waterfalls. My voice was shrill and cracked with emotion. At that moment, I had lost all thought about Matt and what he was thinking. I could only focus on how much pain I had suffered all those years ago. Pain that could have been eased if I had been allowed to keep mine and Jace's baby.
"Madeleine, it really wasn't like that. You don't know how bad off you were back then. We were afraid for you. Afraid for that innocent little baby. You weren't in your right mind. We only wanted you to get better so that you could move on with your life. Your recovery took a lot longer than you remember. It was almost a year before you could function again. We had to do something., something to make sure that beautiful baby girl would be taken care of. When she showed up at yours and Matt's wedding, I panicked. I didn't anything to spoil that day for you. But she's running out of time, Maddy." I listened to his words, but didn't acknowledge them. My father had betrayed me and my trust.
"Oh my God..was she the little girl we saw in the hallway outside the ballroom? She was with an older woman, I think. I gave her a flower from my bouquet," I said.
"That woman was her nanny from Texas. When we found out about Harper's illness, she took it upon herself to come to Chicago to find you. Thank God your father intercepted her and stopped her from telling you anything. She meant well, Mrs. Casey," said Audra
"So where is she now?" I asked, wiping the steady stream of tears off my cheeks.
"She's back in Odessa, ma'am. JP and I have been taking care of her since she was born." said Audra. "So, why does she need my help now?" I asked, still not fully believing what I was hearing.
"She was diagnosed with leukemia a couple of years ago. She's been in and out of treatment since then, but now it's destroyed her bone marrow. She needs a donor, preferably her closest relative...and that's you Madeleine." I closed my eyes tightly, secretly praying that when I opened them again, these people would be gone. I had put what I could remember about this part of my life away, locked in a closet hoping it would never have to come out. But here I was, having opened up that closet and now was being handed the news that the daughter I thought had died at birth was alive. All this time and I never knew.
"What's her name?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. "Harper...Harper Lee Walker. It was the name that you and Jackson had picked out before she was born," said Audra. I was numb. I had no idea how I was supposed to react to this. More importantly, how was Matt going to deal with all of this? He was now aware that he was my third husband and not my second. He also knew that I had conceived a baby, a baby that was now around ten years old. I wouldn't blame him if he left me. It was one of the reasons I didn't want to tell him. Now that it all had been laid out on the table, I was terrified of what he might be thinking.
"I think we've all heard enough for one day," said Matt, getting up from the dining room table.
"Mrs. Casey, please think about this. Harper needs you. Nothing more has to come of this except helping her to live. She can go on being taken care of by Mr. and Mrs. Walker. They're the only parents she's ever known. No one's life has to change." said Dr. Harrison.
"I think it's too late for that," I said. He handed me his business card, told me that he and Audra were staying at The Drake and to please call him once I had time to think things over. He made it all sound so easy. Dr. Harrison, Audra and my father all got up and headed for the front door.
"I'm so sorry, baby girl," said my father. "So am I," was all I could think to say. He tried to give me a hug, but I stood still, keeping my arms folded across my chest. The betrayal that I felt wouldn't let me hug him back. My heart was in pieces, my head was swimming and my husband and I had both been rendered speechless by what had been discussed today. I sat cross legged on one end of the couch, covering my face with my hands, I had no idea of which way to turn, what to say or who to say it to. I felt Matt sit down next to me.
"I suppose you hate me now," I said. "Don't be ridiculous," he replied. "But why didn't you tell me any of this? At least as much as you could remember?"
"I tried, Matt. I tried so many times. I wanted to tell you about Jace. I was this close to telling you on New Year's Eve when you asked my about Times Square. Jace is the person I went with. I wanted to tell you everything, but I was afraid to."
"Why, Maddy? Why would you be afraid to tell your husband something like this?" his voice was pleading with me.
"I was afraid to tell you that I had been married to someone before Stephen," I said, knowing it was only half the truth. "I don't give a damn about that," he said. "I thought you'd think less of me if you knew," I said, "Maddy, I don't care if you were married twenty times before me. What I care about is keeping secrets," he said.
"I was afraid to tell you anything because I knew that I would have to tell you about the baby I lost...or that I thought I'd lost. We've been struggling for almost two years to have our own baby and I was terrified that you would blame…" I said, starting to cry again.
"What the hell are you saying, Maddy? Do you honestly think that I would blame our inability to get pregnant on the loss of your baby? My God, what kind of man do you think I am?" Now his voice cracked with emotion.
"Then you should know that I also had an abortion when I was married to Stephen. I didn't want to bring a baby into that joke of a marriage. So there you have it. My complete history laid out for you. It all adds up, doesn't it? You and I can't have a baby now because I'm being punished for the choices I made years ago." Matt pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.
"Shhhhh, don't say that, Maddy. It's not true." he said. "How do we know that, Matt? How do we really know for sure?" I asked. "We don't, I guess. We just have to have faith." he said. "I'm all out of faith." I said, with sobs wracking my body. I cried for several minutes as Matt held me, running his hands up and down my back, until finally he spoke.
"So what are you going to do?" he asked.
"I don't know, Matt. It's all been so much to take in. My heart tells me I should help her, of course, but my head is wrestling with all the emotions of it. I need a little time to think." What I really needed was to know what Matt was thinking. Once the dust settled from this and he'd have time to do his own thinking, where would we be? Only time would tell...and we didn't have the luxury of time. A little girl's life depended on it. My little girl's life.