Ambivalence

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

Author's Note: This chapter's for mab13j :)

Chapter 5—Kathryn

Kathryn lay with her head in Chakotay's lap as he played with her hair, savoring the contours of his muscled body beneath her, his breathtaking closeness, and simply the feel of him.

The time for running was over.

"You know," he said in a voice barely above a whisper, "I've dreamed of just being with you like this for years. Of holding you. Of finally being able to tell you that I love you. And"—his voice caught, the hand stroking her hair stilling—"of hearing you say you love me."

"Chakotay, I think I might have loved you from the moment you destroyed your ship to save mine, the ship of your enemy, the woman who had been sent to capture you. I always felt safe with you, but I didn't understand why."

"Neither did I," he admitted. "But I knew that something about being with you changed who I was inside. It brought me the peace I had never known. When we stepped back onto Earth for the first time, I knew I was returning a better man than when I left." His eyes were bright with unshed tears, and Kathryn slipped her arms around him. Chakotay held her tightly, his face against her hair.

"I'm sorry I was never able…no, I'm sorry that I never chose to give you what you gave me. Every day that we were out there," Kathryn whispered, hiding her face in his chest.

"Your mother said I was your saving grace," he murmured, and she picked up her head, startled. "But I told her you were mine."

Kathryn cradled his face in her hands and looked intently into his eyes from close range.

"Chakotay, I need you to know something. All those times I pulled away, all those times I pushed you further and further from me, it was never because my feelings had changed."

"I know," he said. "I've always known." Kathryn half-smiled, her lips trembling.

"I constantly questioned myself, going back and forth between what I wanted and who I thought I had to be," she said softly. "I think somewhere inside I truly believed that if I never made the decision, then it couldn't be the wrong one. But I was wrong. Because choosing not to choose is still a choice. And no matter what they teach you in physics, inaction is still an action."

Chakotay reached up and pressed his hands against hers, his eyes closed. He sighed.

"Yes," he finally said. "You're right. I knew I loved you, Kathryn. But I also knew you were struggling. And so was I. I didn't know if stepping back would make it easier for both of us. But I didn't think that I could live with that."

"Holding on or letting go," she breathed. He glanced at her with a thoughtful expression and then nodded slowly.

"Exactly," he said.

"Well," she said, a slight grin crossing her lips. "Now that we're holding on, I don't think either of us is going to let go."

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway." He pulled her even closer and then kissed her until neither of them could breathe. They sat quietly for several moments, foreheads resting against one another, feeling each other's breath.

"How do you feel about dessert?" he asked somewhat sheepishly when he could once again speak.

"You're still hungry?" she said incredulously. "How is that possible? You ate all your dinner and half of mine. I may have to requisition a second replicator."

"I may not be your First Officer anymore," he said, getting off the couch and dragging her with him. "But it occurs to me that you have been skipping far too many meals." Although his tone was light, his eyes grazed her too-thin figure with concern.

"I haven't been eating very well lately," she admitted, ducking her head. "No one around to nag me." She elbowed him lightly in the ribs. "What would you like?"

"Surprise me," Chakotay replied mischievously. "You're good at that."

"I wouldn't have believed I could still surprise you after all these years," she retorted. She sauntered back to the couch, handing him a brownie with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge sauce.

"Well," he said, digging into his dish, "you did kiss me today."

"Good point," she said. He smiled smugly.

"I expect you still have a few surprises up your sleeve," he predicted, popping the spoon into his mouth.

"Will you marry me?" she asked casually.

The bite of ice cream exploded from Chakotay's mouth, and he emerged from the eruption coughing and gasping.

"Excuse me?" he finally managed to choke out.

"Graceful," she said pointedly. "And I was just kidding." Chakotay wiped his mouth on his napkin, still sputtering slightly.

"Does that mean you don't want to marry me?" he asked, eying her suspiciously from behind the napkin. She smiled a little, biting her lip.

"I want it more than anything," she said quietly but determinedly. She laid her hand lightly on his knee. He picked it up and threaded his fingers through hers, setting his dish down on the table.

Then he reached over and dug his spoon into her ice cream. A smile crossed his lips as the familiar taste settled on his tongue.

"Coffee," he said.

"Of course."

He leaned over and snagged another bite.

"We need to talk about this," she suddenly said in a serious tone. "We need to define some parameters..."

Chakotay's face froze, his full spoon pausing in midair.

"About you eating my dessert," she finished, her eyebrows raised imperiously.

There was a definitive moment of silence as their eyes met.

Then Kathryn caught the tiniest glimpse of movement from Chakotay. And she was up and out of her seat, running, before the ice cream hit her.

The End