The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force
Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.
Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!
Chapter Nine: Marry Me
"SWEET MOTHER OF MEATBALLS!"
Tynave and Clair were cornered. The monster that had been chasing them for the last couple of hours slowly stomped towards them, growling softly.
"What should we do!" Clair asked.
"Don't ask me! You're the commander!"
"You idiot! I only got through officer's school by cheating off of Nel. Some buffoon actually though that I was as competent as her and put me in charge! The truth is that I'm a complete moron and I only use my power to force minions to carve wooden shoes out of trees all day long!"
"YOU TOLD ME THE SHOE MAKING WAS FOR THE ORPHANS AND THAT APRIS WOULD GIVE ME FIFTY FOL IF I DID IT!"
"I lied!"
Tynave fell to her knees and cried.
"You'd best stay away from Albel," Shelby whispered to Nel. "He's a cannibal, you see."
"Really now..." Nel muttered. She was getting tired of being hassled by various Black Brigade soldiers.
"He wears skirts, make-up, and wants to kiss alllll the boys!" Shelby laughed,growing bolder by the minute. That's when The Man Who Plays Kim decided to crush his skull in with a mallet.
"Piss off, dumbass! She's mine! Mine I say!" The Man Who Plays Kim screeched. Nel's eyes widened.
"Wait. What?"
"You're my wife! Of course you don't remember, you have amnesia!" The Man Who Plays Kim grinned and took Nel's hands in his."You love me very, very much and I'm sure you'll remember that one day!"
"Liar!" Shelby slammed a fist into the back of The Man Who Plays Kim's head. He fell over, twitching slightly. "I am your husband, Nel!"
"WHAT!" The Man Who Plays Kim shrieked. "But you hate her!"
"That was before when she beat me up! But Nel could not resist my manly charms and-"
"Manly my foot! You're more feminine than Albel!" The Man Who Plays Kim scrambled to his feet and attempted to look threatening. He failed. Instead he looked to be constipated.
"What's going on?" Nel asked in a small voice. Albel was sitting next to her at a table in the remains of the cafeteria. His eyes had rolled to the back of his head and he was snoring.
"I cook up rocks today!" The Killer Chef giggled. A soldier held a small rock in his palm, regarding it warily.
"I do not think that you cooked this here rock all the way through," the man began, poking the rock with a fork.
"I STAB YOU IN FACE!" The Killer Chef stabbed the soldier in the face. All the other soldiers let out a collective squeal of terror. "WHO ELSE QUESTION MY COOKERY! I CUT YOU UP GOOD!"
No one said a word.
"NEL IS MINE!" Shelby yelled, kicking The Man Who Plays Kim in the ribs.
"Arggh! No, mine!" The Man Who Plays Kim bit Shelby's foot. Shelby hopped back, holding onto his injured foot, howling with rage.
"SHUT UP WORMS!" Albel roared, his head snapping up. His eyes were bloodshot and he was wearing a top hat. For...reasons.
"Albel, sir! Shelby has been calling you a woman again!"
"Tattler!" Shelby hissed. The Man Who Plays Kim stuck out his tongue.
"Whatever! Albel IS a woman!"
Albel's eyes narrowed. And they seemed to glow. Which was scary. Shelby felt a bead of sweat roll down his face.
"Want to say that again, maggot?"
"A-at least I have a woman, right Nel!" Shelby shot Nel a pleading look.
"Uh." Nel glanced side to side. "Don't look at me."
"Nellie is my beloved! Not yours!" The Man Who Plays Kim dove on top of Shelby and the two clawed at each other while screaming various profanities.
Now then, it might have been because of the lack of sleep, the fact the he wasn't completely sober, and the fact that he really wanted the two fighters to shut up that caused Albel Nox to do what he did next...
"Shut up, fools! She's mine, got it?" Albel collapsed back into his chair and curled up into a ball.
Jaws dropped and every single person in the room stared at their captain.Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim stopped fighting and looked at Albel in disbelief. Nel looked even more confused, but at least the two men had stopped trying to kill each other.
"Wait," Albel whispered, opening his eyes. "Did I just...?"
Everyone nodded in unison.
"...SHIT!"
Tynave and Clair had managed to escape the their enemy once again. They stood just outside of Arias, bent over with their hands on their knees, desperately trying to catch their breath.
"We can't get away from it," Clair gasped.
"This is your fault!" Tynave pointed an accusing finger at the Crimson Blade.
"Me! I didn't kill her!"
"That has nothing to..."
"What's wrong! Too high to come up with a good response?"
Tynave shook her head, whimpering slightly.
"She's behind me, isn't she?" Clair asked.
"Y-y-y-y-yes."
Farleen let out an inhuman cry and swung a hatchet at Clair's head. Clair managed to evade it and sprinted off in the direction of Kirlsa.
"W-w-wait for me and stuff!" Tynave shouted, quickly following behind her commander. Farleen trudged after them, grunting and growling.
"I want to die," Albel whined.
"Well at least they're leaving me alone now," Nel sighed.
"Bah, they'll leave you in peace now but I'll never hear the end of this one."
"Why don't you just kill them? You seem to be the kind of guy to do that..."
Albel glared at Nel. "You think so, Zelpher?"
"Well, maybe," Nel replied, tilting her head to the side. "But you don't seem like a bad person. In fact, you've been the nicest to me out of everyone here."
"Bah," Albel bah'd again. Nel's lips curved into a small smile.
"At least you're not bad looking."
Albel began to choke, his face turning red. From embarrassment or lack of oxygen, we shall never know.
"I was just kidding! Don't die, Albel!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaawwww!" A whiney voice said.
"NO!" Albel screamed, throwing himself into a nearby closet. Nel blinked and turned to face the newcomer.
"Having a lover's quarrel, I see," the man said in a high, nasal voice. "I heard the news that Albel Nox was engaged and just had to see if it was true."
"I'm not entirely sure myself," Nel admitted. "What's your name by the way?"
"You ask for my name, my fair lady? I shall tell you! I am Steve the Spectacular!"
"Well that's interesting."
"I can see why even Albel the Wicked fancies you! You are by far the most beautiful woman in all the world."
"Thanks. I guess."
Steve nodded and sat down next to Nel. Also, just in case you were wondering, Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim were still in the same spot, frozen in shock.
"What's wrong with those two?" Steve inquired, poking Shelby in the head.
"Many things, I've gathered. Now then, would you mind leaving me alone?"
"Let me just say something first. One million polar bears!"
"Huh?" Nel gave Steve an annoyed look.
"At least that broke the ice! Teehee! So, want to make out? Eh, eh?" Steve wagged his eyebrows and licked his lips.
That's when Albel came out of the closet, Shelby jumped to his feet, and The Man Who Plays Kim sneezed.
"DIE!" the three men yelled in unison, all of them diving upon Steve. They then proceeded to beat the utter crap out of Steve. A few hours later and a badly bruised Steve crawled back to Kirlsa, weeping for his cruel fate.
"Alright, that's done with," The Man Who Says Kim chuckled, clapping his hands.
"Yes." Albel glanced at Shelby. "So you like Nel?"
Shelby coughed. "When's the wedding?"
Albel scowled. "Touché...maggot."
Clair and Tynave shoved the Kirlsa guards out of the way and bolted past the gates. The bewildered guards shook their heads and appeared to be rather baffled.
"Should we sound the alarm?" the first guard asked.
"Nah."
A few minutes passed and they saw a purple haired figure coming towards them.
Several more minutes flew by.
The figure was somewhat closer.
Even more time.
Kind of closer.
More time.
Closer.
"I grow weary of this," the first guard sighed.
"MRAAARRHHRR!" The zombie tackled the first guard and ripped out his throat with its teeth. The villainous creature threw back its head, blood dripping from its mouth
"OMIAPRIS you killed Keeeeaaargh!"
The zombie devoured the other guard.
"Ugghh," the creature moaned, turning in the direction the two Aquarian ninjas had gone in. "Aaaallllpppppaaaaccaaargghhs..."
"This has been an incredible embarrassing day," Albel muttered, resting his head on his real hand.
"Yeah," Shelby agreed. "For you."
"Shut up. You admitted your undying love for an Aquarian wench," Albel spat.
"So did you!" The Man Who Plays Kim pointed a finger at Albel. Albel slammed both fists down on to the table the three men were sitting at. Nel had wandered off some time ago.
"No I didn't!" Albel replied, narrowing his eyes.
"It was implied," Shelby said.
"No! I was drunk. Hell, I'm still drunk." Albel reached under his top hat (which he was still sporting a top his head by the way) and pulled out a small canteen. "Lovely liquor!" He drained it in one gulp.
"That's the third one, Albel. How many ya got underneath that hat?" The Man Who Plays Kim raised his hand to look under the hat. Albel smacked his hand with the claw.
"Touch my hat and I will break you." Simple. Effective. Terrifying. The Man Who Plays Kim cowered.
"You announced to the whole brigade that Nel was 'yours'."
"No I didn't, worm!"
"Yes you did! I heard you!"
Albel threw the canteen to the ground and it shattered into pieces. He drew his sword from its sheath and held it in front of him. "I will end your life!"
"Dammit, Nox! You've threatened me before but you're all talk!"
"Oh, we'll see about that." Albel voice lowered and a hint of a smile crossed his features.
"You're trying to cover up the fact that you love Nel!"
"YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!"
"AAAAAARGGHHH! MY FALLOPIAN TUBES!"
"Open up! Open! Up!" Tynave pounded on the Storm Brigade HQ's door. Clair watched the gate nervously, hoping the monster would come through it.
"Wot d'ya damn kids want?" Woltar barked as he swung the door open.
"We're in trouble! We need help! Please!" Clair pleaded.
"Yer the enemy. And yer damn kids."
"Curses," Tynave said to herself. "I thought his senility would prevent him from remembering the whole Airyglyph vs. Aquaria thing."
"I can still hear ya," Woltar muttered.
"Forgive her, Lord Woltar. She's a druggie. Anyways, you see, sir, there's this zombie after us and-"
"A zombie? Egads! Get inside, quickly!"
The two Aquarians shrugged and went inside. Woltar slammed the door shut and quickly bolted it. He whirled around, showing surprising speed for an old man.
"Even mah hose won't save me now," Woltar mumbled, throwing the 'get the damn kids off my lawn' hose to the side. "It's time for me to get mah zombie brain splatterer."
"Sounds wicked awesome," Tynave whispered.
Clair smacked Tynave in the head. "None of that!"
"Sooorry, dude." Tynave rubbed her head
"I found et!" Woltar held up a shotgun over his head and shoved a fur cap onto his head. "I'm goin' hunting. If I dunt come back, pester Albel for me. And tell Nel Zelpher how her father really died."
"You mean you killed her father!" Clair gasped.
"No, durnit! This is how et all went down, y'see..." Woltar began.
"Ooooh, nice segue," Tynave complimented.
"Shut up, damn kid!"
"EEP and stuff!"
Some time ago...maybe...
The extremely noble Nevelle J. Zelpher was in Kirlsa because of some business trip. And by business I do mean Elicoorian Spring Break. Nevelle and Glou Nox had a jolly old weekend setting fires and drinking (a lot), reliving their glorious old college days. Nevelle, Glou, and a young Albel were heading back to the Nox estate from the pharmacy after buying some painkillers for their horrendous headaches.
"So, Glou. I see your son has acquired the Nox skirt fetish as well," Nevelle noted, staring at the girly looking Albel Nox as he skipped around humming to himself, skirt flapping in the wind.
"It's a Nox tradition," Glou replied, eyes closed.
"You know, when I first got here, I thought your boy was really a girl. What with the long hair and all," Nevelle said.
"Most of the Nox men have worn their hair long," Glou answered, his voice barely a whisper.
"What's that, Glou? Hey, you know, I'm still not convinced the little bugger's a boy." Nevelle grinned as Glou Nox's normally straight face began to twitch.
"Hello Mister Zelpher!" Albel squeaked, halting to a stop in front of Nevelle. "I picked you a bouquet of pretty flowers!"
"They're lovely. You're a very nice little girl, Albel."
"Daddy! He's the fourth person to call me little girl today!" Albel turned to his father. "Am I a girl, Daddy?"
"Apris dammit, Nevelle!" Glou hissed. "Go back to Arias, you ass. Come on Albel, we're going to beat the humanity out of you!" Glou took Albel by the arm and began to drag him towards the mountains.
"Will there be ponies, Daddy?"
"No, son."
"Pretty flowers?"
"No!"
"Can I wear ribbons in my hair? The neighbor girl said I would look as pretty as her if I used ribbons. I like the pink ones."
"NO MORE TALKING, ALBEL."
"Father like son," Nevelle Zelpher laughed.
"I don't see how this has anything to do with how Sir Zelpher died," Clair groaned.
"I forgot wot I was doing," Woltar said, blinking.
"Zombie killing."
"Yesh!" Woltar dove out a window, sending glass flying.
"He's deranged," Clair whispered.
"Aren't we all?" Tynave asked.
"More or less."
"Where's Nel?" Shelby finally asked. Albel, The Man Who Plays Kim, and Shelby had eventually agreed to a cease fire and were currently hammering out the details for a potential treaty.
"Who cares, fool?" Albel leaned back in his chair.
"Lady Nel is very important to the peace making process," The Man Who Plays Kim shouted.
"Yes, we have to figure out who gets to marry Nel." Shelby nodded. Albel scowled.
"Who said anything about marriage?" the Black Brigade captain growled.
"Ooooh, jealous," Shelby chuckled. Albel raised his claw and stood up, preparing to kill.
"Stop!" The Man Who Plays Kim yelled. "Article XVII, Section IV says no taunting and Section V of the same article strictly forbids maiming!"
Albel grumbled and slowly sat back in his chair, a dark look settling on his face. Shelby smirked in triumph.
"Well, I guess it's between you and me, Shelby," The Man Who Plays Kim began.
"Yeah, seeing how Albel doesn't care about Nel," Shelby finished. Both men cast their eyes towards their commander.
"Why would I care about an Aquarian wench!" Albel glared at the two and then turned so they couldn't see his face.
"So you'll let one of us marry her?" Shelby asked.
"..."
"What was that, Sir Albel?" The Man Who Plays Kim raised an eyebrow.
"...No!"
"So you do love her!" Shelby realized, throwing his hands in the air.
"NO! I JUST WANT TO BE CONTRARY! FREAKIN' DIE MAGGOTS!"
"Uh, hello." Nel stood in the doorway, waving her hand slightly. All the men in the room stopped moving. But it was funny how Albel froze because he had already begun to strangle Shelby. The look on Shelby's face truly captured his terror. It was funny indeed.
"Need something?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked cheerfully. "Like me?"
Shelby and Albel's fists collided with The Man Who Plays Kim's face. He was most defiantly down for the count.
Albel turned to face Nel as though nothing had happened. "What do you want, wennnchhh...nnghhh, dammit! Nel!"
Nel shrugged. "There's just some weird guy at the door. Even though we haven't replaced the door yet. This guy doesn't seem to understand that, though...he keeps knocking. I don't know how, but he's knocking on a door that doesn't exist."
"Only one maggot could be stupid enough to knock on nothing. Duchess Vox."
"Dammit! Schweimer is probably with him. I hate Schweimer. He picks on me because my name is girly."
"Shelby. Your nameis girly. But whatever. I have to go kill Vox now." Albel rose to his feet and headed towards the exit. Nel shrugged again and followed Albel. Shelby had a pity party.
"Why is he a duchess?" Nel asked. "That idiot out there is clearly a man."
"Long story. Don't feel like explaining. Wait." Albel suddenly stopped moving and Nel almost ran into him.
"What is it?" Nel looked around Albel in alarm to see if one of those alligators had escaped from the fallout shelter again.
"No one knows that you joined the Black Brigade," Albel said slowly.
"I did?"
"Yes! But if Vox finds out who you are, I'll be thrown in prison for betraying Airyglyph. Again."
"Again? Is this normal for you?"
"Very much so. Vox has a sadistic streak in him, you see."
"And you're a bit of a masochist, then?" Nel smiled slightly and tilted her head so her indestructible scarf hid her amusement.
"More or less," Albel muttered. Nel's amusement was replaced by surprise.
"If I joined your side why is it a problem?" Nel inquired, choosing to ignore Albel's previous comment. OH HOW I LOVE THAT WORD. Inquired. Haha.
"Because yellow."
"Huh?"
"Listen, Nel, that answer got me through my Intro to Physics class. Do not question my most perfect answer!"
"And if I do?" Nel stepped in front of Albel with her hands on her hips, defiance in her eyes.
"I'll LOOK at you." Albel couldn't bring himself to threaten her physically. But staring people down was almost as good. So he stared her down. After a minute of two of this, Nel's eye began to twitch and she shook her head.
"Okay, you win."
"But I shall explain my logic anyways!" Albel announced.
"Then what was the point of all that?"
"For kicks! Listen, all orders for Glyphian soldiers said to kill Nel Zelpher on sight and steal her scarf. I defied orders and let you live."
"My scarf? Why the scarf?"
"Arzei thinks it's the key to Aquaria's power."
"...Are you serious?"
"If only I wasn't. Our king is a buffoon. But he has very excellent taste in music."
"Interesting. So what do I do until this Duchess Vox person leaves?"
"Put on an apron and tie your scarf around your head. No one will ever know it's you."
"Alright," Nel sighed. "Just don't die."
"Vox is no match for me," Albel hissed, clenching his fists.
"I guessed as much. I'm just worried that you'll get carried away and fall down the stairs."
"I do not fall down stairs!" But before he could say anything else, Albel felt Nel wrap her arms around him. Albel probably would have fainted but Nel quickly stepped away and headed off to the kitchen. Albel's face was red. But it was more of a maroon tint, really.
"I knew it!" Shelby yelled from his hiding place behind a curtain. Albel gave Shelby the darkest look he had ever given. Shelby fell over gripping his throat, choking violently. But Albel was too confused to realize he had the ability to kill people with his eyes. He stumbled towards the stairs, remembering that he had to meet Vox.
And he promptly fell down the stairs, landing with a loud thud.
Inigo Montoyota was busy being sacrificed to the crazy Menodix gods.
"Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck!" the squirrel folk nyuck'd, dancing around the pot Inigo was slowly being cooked in.
"Uh oh, smells like a random view point change," one squirrel said.
"I do not!" Inigo snapped.
"Better add some more Al/Nel," one squirrel suggested.
"How 'bout some Roger/Nel?" Roger asked.
"No, you dumbass!" Everyone smacked Roger in the head.
"ALBEL NOX!" Duchess Vox screeched, stomping towards the dazed Black Brigade captain.
"Wah?" Albel blinked and stared at Vox. He shook his head a few times. "What the hell do you want, woman!"
"I am not a woman! I grow weary of that joke!"
"It's not a joke! It's a fact!" Albel growled.
The Black Brigade and Schweimer let out an oooooooooooooooohhh.
"Traitor," Vox spat, glaring at Schweimer. Schweimer whimpered.
"Get to the point, Vox," Albel said, folding his arms. "I don't have time to waste with maggots like you."
"I heard that you were getting married," Vox whispered harshly.
"WHAT!" Albel's jaw literally crashed to the floor. He fell over in the process.
"Old Man Woltar told me it was so. Old Man Woltar knows all. So when's the wedding?"
"There is no wedding! I'm not marrying anyone!" Albel roared, rising to his feet.
"Oh but you'd better," Vox chuckled. "King Arzei already bought you a wedding gift."
"No gift receipt?" Albel asked in a quiet voice.
"No gift receipt." Vox looked rather smug.
"Dammit! What now!"
"You'll have to get married. Or else Arzei will have a useless gift. And he will cry, Nox. He'll cry. You don't want him to cry, do you? He's beenlooking forward to your wedding oh so much!" Vox's voice cracked when he said 'oh so much'. Everyone gave his a strange look. "What?"
"Gah," Albel grunted. There was no way out of it. Once Arzei bought a gift for an event, that event could never be cancelled. Never. And if the person ever returned it, they were subjected to the most horrible torture. Being forced to listen to Arzei cry like a little girl. But who would he have to marry...?
"Where's the wife, Nox?" Vox glanced around the area, looking annoyed. "If I don't see a wife, I'll have to tell Arzei that there's no wedding..."
"NO!" Albel gasped. "Uh, hold on. I'll go get her...!"
Albel sprinted back up the stairs and burst into the kitchen.
"Nel! I need a favor...what are you doing?"
Nel stood over the dead body over a Black Brigade soldier, blood on her bewildered face.
"He pinned me to the wall and tried to kiss me. I didn't want to kill him! It was like my instincts kicked in or something! I swear I didn't mean to hurt him! I'm a pacifist!"
Albel grinned wickedly as a lovely idea entered his head. "I'll overlook this on one condition, Nel..."
"What?" Nel stared at Albel, eyes wide and frightened. Albel fell to one knee and then...
"Marry me, Nel!"
Because yellow really could get you through my Intro to Physics class. I am for the serious.
So, Albel asks Nel to marry him (like he should!). A little bit too obvious, eh? Just remember, things never make sense in the Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe!
This was a hard chapter to finish since my concentration has been terrible...but writing has always been a pretty good outlet for me.
I know it sounds like typical teenage drama to say it, but this truly has been the worst week of my life and I've had to grow up more because of it.
And I still have tests tomorrow (bloody hell!) and no time left right now. I decided to upload this chapter since it was ready but unfortunately I really don't have enough time to respond to reviews. My apologies for that.
To make it up to y'all, I'll make the next update a double one.
Thank you all very much for supporting this story! Thank you.
Peace out for now.