Notice: To whit, the Deaths mentioned in the previous chapter are as follow:
1.) Death from the film Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
2.) Death of the Endless from Neil Gaiman's graphic novel "Sandman" series, set in the very beginning when Dream is still captured.
3.) The cast from "Dead Like Me"
4.) The Horseman of Death from the series Supernatural, set in the episode of "Two Minutes to Midnight" near the end of the fifth season.
5.) Ichigo and Rukia fighting some hollows from the mana/anime Bleach
6.) Ryuk from Death Note
7.) Death from Castlevania facing a Belmont
8.) Thanatos from the beginning of the Play Station 2 RPG "Persona 3"
9.) Gig from the PS2 RPG "Soul Nomads and the World Eaters." I suggest hunting down a copy of this title if only for the awesomeness of Gig's character and fourth-wall breaking capabilities, with such comments as "like a couple of gold medal sprinters at the Special Olympics," when two characters run off into a trap
10.) Death and the Death of Rats from the criminally underappreciated Discworld book series
The Fourth Wall
Naruto wasn't quite sure where he was, all that he cared was that the block of symbols was gone and there was another person. Well, another person might have been too high of a qualification in his current mental state; so long as it moved and was human-shaped, he would have been happy.
On the plus side, this human-shaped thing only made occasional noises that might have been speech (he wasn't really paying attention) and the back of it was soft feeling. Except at the ends, where it was curved and firm.
Strange that.
"Sue ish thif whr u stk R pennies N me?" Naruto heard, through a muffled haze of insanity.
"What did I say about talking?" he asked the human-shaped object, raising his head only to find his vision blocked out by two strange hovering . . . things. Oh well, it probably didn't matter what they were.
"I said, is this where you stick your penis in me?" the voice repeated, much more clearly this time; Naruto froze, his mind trying to comprehend the context of that sentence, with all conclusion equating to "seriously whacked-out shit is happening to you—yet again."
Not answering, Naruto blinked thoughtfully. As he continued to struck the soft things (realizing that they might be hair) his hand stopped at the curved lower area that he knew for a fact was most likely not hair.
He squeezed. Definitely not hair, then. With the same reaction that any sane person might have to entering his or her home, only to find that there is now a clown within, waving his penis at you, Naruto slowly looked up at the twin things.
Why yes, he did believe that those were the underside of a pair of breasts.
"I see . . ." Naruto said thoughtfully, biting his lip as he slowly brought his hand away from what could be nothing other than some unknown female's butt.
His only consolation was that this female's hair was far too long to belong to Anko, but that was like saying that a person was more fortunate to be hit in the genitalia with an iron bar instead of, say, having blunt objects forcibly inserted into his or her eye sockets.
Taking a deep breath, and resolving not to flip the shit out and discard the few nebulous strings of sanity he had just regain. He took a few resolute steps back, his gaze towards the ground.
Water everywhere? Check.
A pair of long slender legs? Check.
Distinct lack of clothing? Double check.
Nude-evil-primoridial-gender-optional-fox-demon-who-is-now-a-human-female-who-has-far-too-great-of-an-interest-in-his-junk? Fuck his life, but check.
Then, with remarkable dignity (as if he had not just gotten to second base with an ancient force of primordial chaos) he looked Victoria straight in the eye and spoke, "That didn't happen." He nodded sagely.
Victoria looked confused; did this mean he wasn't going to put his penis in the hole between her legs? Wait—vagina—she corrected herself. "Yes it did," she replied, because it had in fact happened—she had been there, and so had he. She truly didn't understand the purpose of this lying.
"No it did not."
"Yes, it did."
"Nooo . . ." Naruto said, "it really didn't." Honestly, what did she not understand about blatant self-denial.
Victoria was silent, having decided that such a juvenile argument was beneath a being of her magnificence. "Well?" she asked, crossing her arm over her breasts and unknowingly raising an eyebrow in a very human gesture.
"Yeah?" Naruto asked.
"Are you going to put your penis in me? According to the book, that is how living creatures have this 'sex' thing, is it not?" she asked.
Naruto sighed. "I've already answered that question, and I refuse to have this conversation again.
"Then why did you indicate that you wanted to?" Victoria asked. She could not understand his reluctance—it wasn't as if he served any other purpose with his existence.
"No I didn't ."
"You felt the fleshly area behind my legs," Victoria said. "The area where I believe there is another hole," she informed him.
"Another hole?" Naruto whispered, cringing at the ignorant terming. Did she even know what that "hole" was for? He suddenly had horrible visions of himself in the library having to read "Everybody Poops" to an ancient fox-demon and explain potty training.
Did she even go to the bathroom, for that matter? Naruto looked at pool of water, and suddenly felt queasy at what might be lurking within it—to say nothing of what he thought of anyone taking a dump in what could be considered his mind. How might that be affecting his mental state? Did it even affect his mental state?
His face went pale in horror! Oh dear lord! How accurate was his creation of her human body? He knew far many more things about females than he ever wanted to thanks largely in part to Jiraiya. Would she get PMS? He did not want to see what an ancient demon who could destroy mountains and make tsunamis might do if it was PMS-ing. He CERTAINLY didn't want to have that knowledge taking place in his mind.
Victoria stared at Naruto. "Why are you shaking like that?" she asked, having watched him suddenly gone into a catatonic state. Perhaps he decided he did want to do the sex, after all?
Naruto swallowed his nerves. "Hey, Victoria?" he asked, with all the caution that someone might approach a pissed-off rattlesnake. "How do you feel?" he asked.
"I want to have sex," she answered. Had she not already made that abundantly clear by this point?
Naruto mentally counted to ten. "I mean . . . do you feel like you're hungry, or tired . . . or have cramps and urges to twist my head off?"
Victoria blinked. What was the brat getting at? "How am I supposed to be hungry, when you made this form, you were focused on just making a human avatar for me," she reminded me. "Most likely you just focused on the exterior and the interior is empty," she said with a huff. "As for me wanting to twist your head off—of course I do!" she answered. "I've told you that I fully intend to kill you when I feel like it—though after I have sex with you," she said. Naruto didn't know if this was an improvement or not.
Victoria suddenly looked thoughtful, and Naruto was slightly shocked when one of her seven locks of raven hair that adorned her back suddenly snaked around and curled up her arm in what might have been classified in a thoughtful manner had humans ever had the chance to quantify the emotional aspects of semi-sentient hair. But alas, they had not, so Naruto simply thought it strange until he recalled that the strands of hair represented her tails, and was then only mildly grateful that neither of the two strands that fell to cover her breasts hadn't moved.
Really, she constantly had her lower half on display, so her nudity really didn't affect him at this point.
"Although," she began, chewing on her lower lip thoughtfully in a manner that was so human that Naruto had to remind himself that she was not, "it would probably be much easier if I killed you and then had sex with you."
Naruto, despite the twenty-four hour marathon of apes shit insanity that his life had plummeted into, was not prepared for that statement.
Taking a breath, he took a seat in the water around him and prepared to explain to Victoria the concept of Necrophilia and why it was generally considered a bad thing.
The Fourth Wall
The gathered ninja could only stare at the tall imposing figure of the cloaked skeleton that was currently grinning at them (though, to be fair, it was quite impossible for it to do anything but grin.)
HOW INTERESTING, the skeleton reflected, gazing about. THE NARRATIVE OF THIS WORLD IS IN A STATE OF DEGENERATIVE FLUX AFFECTING ALL ASPECTS, it observed. WHY, EVEN I HAD NUMEROUS TYPOS THE LAST CHAPTER, IN MY SPEECH, it observed.
Anko stared at the skeleton and then redirected her gaze to its tiny skeletal rat counterpart, who seemed to be doing its damndest to kill the blob in a one-sided war of attrition.
COULD I ASK HOW I CAME TO BE HERE? the skeleton asked, shifting its grip on its scythe.
Sarutobi coughed into his fist. "Um . . ." he glanced at Kakashi, who seemed to be at a lost as much as the other gathered ninja present. "I performed a ritual to summon Death," the leader of the village answered. "But you are not he . . . are you?" he asked the skeleton.
The skeleton's head tilted at old man. I AM, BUT NOT THE ONE THE ONE THAT YOU SOUGHT TO SUMMON, I IMAGINE, it informed helpfully.
"Yes . . ." Sarutobi said, unsure of how to react in the situation. The blob creature seemed to have its hands full fending off the tiny rat with a farming implement. It made him depressed, a little, that his greatest ninja could not fend off the creature by an undead rodent, apparently, could. "The death that we summon has a knife," he offered.
I HAVE A SWORD, Death offered, opening his cloak to show the sheathed weapon.
". . . Very nice," Sarutobi said diplomatically. Death seemed pleased by the compliment.
YES, I MADE IT MYSELF, YOU KNOW.
"Did you," the Hokage said, smiling politely.
OH YES. WOULD YOU LIKE A CLOSER LOOK? Death offered politely, bring phalanges to grip the handle of the sword.
"No!" Sarutobi said quickly, and then caught himself. "No, no—you needn't trouble yourself on my account."
IT IS NO TROUBLE, Death offered.
"Um . . . I have a fear of sharp objects," Sarutobi said, shifting his robes to hide the various kunai and shurikens that he carried. After knowing the fate that he thought would befall him on the actual shinigami's knife, he didn't want to tempt fate by getting near the weapon of a different one.
I SEE, Death nodded, but not because he understood, but because that was what was generally done in such instances, he had observed.
There was silence in the clearing, as none of the ninja dared to move or speak, and Death did not feel the need to fill the silence. Only the occasional sound from the blob and an intermittent SQUEEK filled the air.
FOR WHAT REASON DID YOU SUMMON DEATH? the skeleton asked.
The skeleton's voice was so sudden that it was only the years of training and mental discipline that prevented the Hokage from jumping in shock.
"I was using a sacrificial move that summons Death to eat myself and my foe," he informed the incarnation.
EAT THEM? the skeleton sounded offended by the very notion.
"Yes;" Sarutobi desperately wished he had his pipe, at the current moment. "I'm guessing you don't eat souls, then?"
CERTAINLY NOT! and Sarutobi would have sword that, even though it was impossible for the skeleton to, he gave the old ninja a wounded expression. I ONLY DRINK TEA AND CONSUME THE OCCASIONAL CURRY.
The Third had no idea why a skeleton would need to eat at all, but he wasn't going to argue with Death. You didn't rise to the position of Hokage by being a brain-dead jabbering idiot, after all.
"So, can you kill that thing?" the Hokage asked hopefully, his spirits boosted by the fact that he would not be hanging out with Minato in a deity's colon for the rest of eternity.
I DON'T KILL THINGS, Death informed him.
All the ninja stared at the skeleton, the same thought going through their minds, even Anko turned away from the spectacle of the tiny mouth hacking off pieces of blob, only to have the blob pieces crawl back to the original mass.
"But . . ." the Hokage began.
OH PEOPLE DIE, CERTAINLY, Death said. BUT THAT IS THEIR BUSINESS. I SIMPLY TAKE CARE OF WHAT HAPPENS AFTER. He then brandished his scythe in the air, the blade so sharp that it was a translucent blue in the sunlight as he stalked towards the blob.
Despite knowing well the old adage about not looking gift horses in the mouth, the Hokage could not help but comment, "But I thought—"
ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ARE RARELY ALIVE. THEY ARE IRRESPONSIBLY CREATED AS UNREALISTIC AVATARS WITH NO PERSONALITY, WITH ONLY ONE PURPOSE. ALL THAT THIS CREATURE IS A MASS OF STEREOTYPES AND IDEALISTIC FEATURES HELD LOOSELY TOGETHER BY THE DANGLING PLOT THREADS IT CREATES, Death said, and then proceed take care of business in the manner of a professional who had countless years of doing so.
The battle that waged lasted for centuries and was over in the blink of an eye, because, after all, time was a concept that applied to other people and existed as more of a amusing plaything to Death.
Anko watched impressed; for some reason, the tiny skeletal rat had climbed up her fishnet shirt and was now watching the spectacle. When a blob of Sue when flying towards her, Anko dodged to the side, but this sent the Death of Rats falling forward.
Anko wished she could say that the strangest thing to happen to her today was a tiny skeletal rat popping out of her cleavage and snickering, but she wasn't quite sure if it topped the conversation she had with the blonde-haired kid.
Had that happened today? Or was it weeks ago? She frowned, deftly plucking the rodent from where it was tangled amongst her fishnet shirt. Time seemed to be behaving in a strange fashion, lately.
The Fourth Wall
"Okay," Naruto said. "Now, then, why is necrophilia bad?" he asked, his voice suggesting he was talking to a toddler who wanted to stick his or her tongue into an electrical socket.
"Because you like living," Victoria dutifully recited.
"Very good!" Naruto praised, smiling quite happily.
"But I still don't see why I should care," she admitted.
Naruto wanted to cry. He would have explained the concept of pedophilia, but he really doubted that Victoria would grasp the concept or even care if she did.
"So I still fail to see why I should not simply find someway out of this prison, kill you in reality, and then have sex with your corpse." Victoria was a staunch supporter of the "what's mine is mine and what's your mine—I will take it whether you want me to or not!" approach to life.
"If you kill me, my penis dies," Naruto said flatly, having no idea if it was true or not, but he was quite comfortable lying his ass off if it served to further the cause of his continued existence and the sanctity of his genitalia.
"It does?" Victoria had the same look that a child did when you tell them that Christmas has been canceled. "Why?"
"Magic," Naruto said simply, with such conviction that not even the raven-haired woman thought to question it—though magic did explain other things she always wondered about humans, like why they went from tiny things to old things. "A wizard is most likely responsible," he said, unknowingly putting another hole in a Fourth Wall that already resembled fine Swiss cheese.
The Fourth Wall
Through the tear created by the Plot Hole, Naruto's words resonated into the Internet.
A wizard did it. This is, essentially, what he had said. Unknowingly to the protagonist, he had invoked a meme, and as the old saying went: "Speak of the devil and he shall appear."
Countless things stirred in the circular passages of the Internet, since everyone knows that the Internet is a series of tubes, after all. They all began to go towards a series of web pages called "Fourth Wall? What Fourth Wall?"
One of them, from a place called "YouTube," arrived ahead of the pack, and it took on the form of a scroll upon entering the story, landing in a darkened cave.
The Fourth Wall
Pein stared at the scroll that had just appeared from what seemed to be the result of a time-space jutsu. Perhaps Madara had sent it? Those were his specialty, after all. Bending down to pick it up, he read what was on it.
SECRETS TO WORLD DOMINATION AND HOW TO BECOME A GOD.
Pein already had his own plan that involved collecting the tailed-beasts, but he was curious as to what this was. Pulling the cord on the scroll, he was rewarded with a puff of smoke that he recognized as a summoning.
He had prepared himself for an attack. What he had not prepared himself for was a man in a suit, singing.
"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!" A man in a white jacket sang.
The Fourth Wall
Orochimaru smiled at the new development.
"You seem lost, perhaps I can help you, miss?" he asked, smiling in the same way that child molesters did to gain the trust of small children around the world. It was not everyday a person simply appeared.
The woman, who was wearing a dark dress and had her white hair tied into a neat bun, took one look at the pale man and promptly slammed the metal fireplace poker into his grinning face.
So surprised was the legendary rogue ninja, that he did not have a chance to replace himself with a clone or a nearby object, and felt the full blow of iron coming in contact with his face. Normally such a blow would be nothing to him, but this was not an ordinary woman, and he found his world going black.
Before he passed out, the woman muttered something, but near the end of her sentence her voice took on an unreal quality that made Orochimaru frozen to his very core.
"I suggest YOU STAY DOWN, the woman said, and then froze upon hearing her own voice.
"Not again," she bemoaned, closing her eyes. "Grandfather," she muttered. "you and I need to have words," she muttered, looking about and wondering just where she was.
Author's Notes: Hello! Okay, I do not own YouTube or the celebrity that appears, or Discworld.
You know, let's just establish now that I only own a handful of pocket lint and that it would be a waste of time suing me, okay?
I've had that bit with Pain planned for a long time! So glad to finally get to it!