Unwritten
"I see your grace / From my window
When it is late at night / It'll show me your shadow"
Ed Sheeran, "So"
Why is Antonio so nice? It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
And more importantly... why do I have to share him?
I mean really. It's only natural that I shouldn't have to share him. I should be able to keep him all to myself. I should be able to hold his hand in private and public and glare at everyone who looks at him without my permission. I should be able to do all of that stuff. But sadly, I can't, and it's all because of Nonno.
See, if he found out I was... almost-dating a guy, he'd freak out and annoy me because he was right. And then if he found out I was dating my teacher, well, shit would happen, and probably someone would die. And that someone would probably be Antonio.
Oh, and also because I'm, you know, underage and shit. But that doesn't matter to me so much.
So, Antonio and I are dating. Or something. I'm not sure, and I don't want to just randomly ask him if we're dating because what if we're not? I mean, we haven't even... like, k-kissed or anything, at least not on the lips, so what if we're not actually dating? What if he's just being a nice person and I'm just kidding myself into thinking we're dating? I mean, even though all the stuff he says to me is... mushy and... r-romantic and shit... but for all I know he says that to everyone... I mean... how do I know that whole red string of fate shit isn't just some pickup line he's practicing on me?
...
Excuse me while I mentally slap myself. Can I even get more paranoid? I need to stop this... I need... I need to just go right out and ask! Yeah! I'll just fucking ask him if we're dating! Fuck yes! That's what I'll do!
"Lovi? What are you doing?" I don't scream (that much) and whirl around to find Antonio staring at me with a puzzled look on his face.
"N-nothing... I wasn't doing anything... and I certainly wasn't talking to my reflection!"
"Oh, okay! Is that a good thing?"
"Um... yes! Yes it is!"
"Okay then! So, do you want to eat dinner with me, or will you be hanging out with your friends?"
I pretend to consider it for a moment (like there's any competition) and then say "Oh all right, I'll eat with you!"
He claps his hands together happily. "Okay, good, because I didn't want to eat alone! It's lonely to eat alone!"
"Mmm," I say, even though I agree. Somehow it just seems stupid to admit that I'm lonely whenever I eat alone, even if I'm eating at, like, five in the morning because I woke up super early with a nightmare and need comfort food. Or because I imagined I saw a ghost and I had to eat garlic to keep it away. FUCK YOU, THAT TOTALLY WORKS. I've been protected from demonic possession many times by the immediate ingestion of garlic bread. And pasta. And pizza. And- oh, fuck you!
"Okay, so then I'll make us something and-" He stops talking as my phone starts ringing. "Is that for you?" he asks, mind already distracted from what he was saying.
"Well, it is my phone," I answer, maybe a bit more snarky than I really need to be.
"Oh, okay. Are you going to answer it then?"
"...Maybe..." I shoot him a look and then grab my phone, quickly answering the call and pressing it to my ear. "Hello?"
"Lovino?" asks Nonno.
"Good bye now," I say immediately, in a calm sort of way, which I'm rather proud of.
"Wait Lovino I-"
End call.
I look up at Antonio and smile sweetly, also known as me being fucking pissed.
"Who was that?" Antonio asks curiously.
"No on important."
My phone rings again and Antonio looks pointedly at where it sits in my hand. "Are you sure they're not important?" he asks doubtfully.
"Absolutely!"
"Then who was it?"
"...Nobody."
"If it's nobody then I'll answer it for you." he offers, reaching for the phone. I quickly pull my hand away from him.
"Th-that's okay," I stammer, holding it behind my back. "I don't need to answer calls from them." The phone finally goes quiet, and I breathe a sigh of relief. He takes that moment to suddenly grab me by the shoulders, nearly making me scream, then sliding his hand down my arm (which I feel might be unnecessarily sexy, dammit) and grabbing my phone from my hands. He glances at the screen, still holding onto my shoulder (p-probably to distract me, since I can't think when he's this close) and then holds the phone in front of my face.
"It says 'One Missed Call from Nonno,'" he tells me. "Isn't 'Nonno" Italian for "grandfather," aka the guy you live with? Who's raised you?"
"Um... n-no... definitely not..." I say unconvincingly. "Nonno is... um... a cinnamon bun."
He just stares at me for a moment, like he didn't actually believe I was crazy until now. "Okay then," he finally says. "If Nonno is a cinnamon bun then I guess you won't mind if I call him back." He quickly presses redial and begins to bring the phone up to his ear but I lunge at him, wrenching the phone from his grasp and knocking him over in the process, since I'm so fucking graceful. He instinctively reaches out and grabs me and we both fall over, with me on top of him. I stare down at his face for a moment- well, mostly his mouth... Suddenly I'm leaning slightly down, because god do I want a kiss, but then Nonno answers his phone and shouts "LOVINO, WE NEED TO TALK!" and ruins the moment. Again. FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME.
FUCKING. SHIT.
CAN'T I AT LEAST GET ONE FUCKING KISS WITHOUT MY GRANDFATHER INTERRUPTING ME?!
THANKS A MOTHERUCKING LOT, NONNO.
AND TO THINK YOU TEASE ME ABOUT BEING A VIRGIN WHEN YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I AM.
ASSHOLE.
I put the phone to my ear and roll off of Antonio before he tries anything (because while making out when I'm on the phone sounds delightfully kinky I don't think it would work very well with Nonno) and snap "What the fuck do you want?" into the phone. Antonio sends me a reproachful look. I somehow manage to not send him the bird.
"I want to talk, Lovino. Talk. Like civilized human beings. Instead of ignoring the problem, let's face it head on and figure this out, okay? Because I want to be friends with you, Lovino."
I snort scornfully at this. "Yeah right."
"I really do, Lovino, and I think that we should talk. Where are you now? I can pick you up and we can go get dinner and talk about what's going on-"
"Where I am is no concern of yours!" I blurt instantly. I nearly slap myself at my stupidity. WHY DID I SAY THAT?! No wonder Nonno keeps managing to keep me a virgin... I'M A DUMBASS.
"Lovino... are you somewhere that you shouldn't be...?" he asks suspiciously. "Where are you? You're not, um, at a... secret, black market brothel are you?"
I nearly drop the phone in my surprise. "Yes, Nonno. I'm at a black market brothel. I just love it here. It's my favorite place ever. Next time why don't you come with me?" I hope he can hear the sarcasm dripping off my words.
"When did I become a black market brothel?" Antonio whispers to me. I reach out and cover his mouth with my palm, surprising both of us so much that we just sit there and look at each other, brown eyes meeting green ones.
"Where are you for real?" Nonno asks me, voice traveling to even Antonio's ears, breaking the moment YET AGAIN. Does anyone know a cheap assassin...?
"I'm at school, of course. With Eliza. And Michelle. And Bella."
"Oh, okay. So, come to my office and then we'll drive to Rome, okay? Romeo's coming with us, but I'll drop him off at the house."
"Okay then, I'll meet you there." I quickly end the call before he forces me to say good bye, then stand up and shove my phone into my pocket. "I have to go, Antonio," I say. "I have to talk to my nonno or something. I dunno. I think it's about this whole..." I wrinkle my nose distastefully. "marriage thing..."
"Okay! I'll see you later, Lovi!"
"Don't call me Lovi!" I snap perfunctorily. "And... I'm sorry that... um... we can't... e-eat dinner together..." I feel my cheeks burn red and quickly turn towards the door.
"Wait!" he calls, lunging from the floor to grab my hand. I turn around, surprised, and then nearly pass out and he leans forward and places a quick kiss on the tip of my nose. He grins at me, half seductive, half happy. "See you later, Lovi!"
"S-sure... yep... uh-huh..." I manage. "See you..." I turn quickly and exit the room, then lean on the closed door and try to will my heart to beat again. But when will he finally fucking kiss me, for real?!
(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')
The car ride to Rome is awkward.
Romeo can't stop talking about his "girlfriend"- fucking twerp has probably gone farther than I have, dammit! -and Nonno is totally happy to talk to him about it. In fucking detail. Like, sorry, but I DON'T WANT TO HEAR EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF THEIR FUCKING CUTE FIRST "DATE" TO THE LIBRARY. JUST SHOOT ME PLEASE.
But if the car ride's bad...
...dinner with Nonno is HELL.
We're sitting there waiting for our dinner, both of us with a glass of wine ('cause the legal drinking age in Italy is SIXTEEN, BITCHES!), probably looking like a strange gay couple, and awkwardly looking down at the table cloth because neither one of us wants to discuss this in a public place. Or ever, actually. I'd rather not discuss... this. What the fuck are we even talking about, anyways? Is he going to just inform me that he's getting married and my parents are coming and I should man up and deal with it or is he going to bring up... everything else...? Because I DON'T WANT to discuss that shit with him. I really don't. I don't want to discuss it with anyone ever again. I've talked to what seems like forty-million fucking therapists about it and all they say is that I should try to make up with my parents and then move on, but it's not like they understand what I'm going through! I mean, Jesus fuck, did their parents pass them up for their twin brother? No! And were they saddled with the responsibility of being their for their also abandoned baby brother? Also no! They have no idea what I'm going through! They're reading straight from a psychology textbook!
"Lovino... is this all... okay?" Nonno asks hesitantly, finally looking up at me. "I mean, all of... this. The wedding and your parents and... everything. Because if you don't like it I... I would be willing to call it all off." He sounds choked up and sick as he says the words, but I know that they're the truth. He seems to actually care about me. He seems to care enough to call off his own fucking wedding, which I know will pretty much make him the happiest man alive, just so that I can feel... well, not happy, but at least... comfortable. And I know it's not just because he doesn't want me to commit suicide. It's more than that. He wants me to be happy. He... he loves me...
I take a deep breath, then let it out. If he's willing to throw away his happiness for me, I'm willing to do the same for him. Besides, I've always got Antonio.
I manage a small smile in his direction. "It's fine with me, Nonno. I don't mind if you marry... Aldrich. You can... you can go right ahead... don't mind me at all." I sit up straight and lift my head up and look him in the eye. "And I'm perfectly fine if my parents come. I'd just like you to know that if they leave the wedding covered in punch, it's their own damn fault!"
Nonno's eyes widen in surprise, and then suddenly he's... he's... he's crying. He's sniffling into his napkin, tears coming out of his eyes, shoulders shaking... he's honestly crying.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?!
"Um... th-there's... um.. no n-need to cry, Nonno..." I say uncertainly. I jerkily bring my hand up and pat him on the shoulder, then pull it back and set it in my lap, because I don't like... human contact. Especially not with my crying grandfather. Sorry, just... no.
"Th-thank you, bello," he says, using his nickname for me from a long time ago. "Thank you."
(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')
A couple weeks later, Michelle calls me and asks me if she can come over. She sounds... she sounds really sad, so I say yes, even though I don't actually want to come over, since I'm busy writing, and writing is pretty much comes first in my life. People are about... third. Writing first, then Antonio, then people. Although Antonio is trying to worm his way to number one...
She shows up half an hour later, surprising me quite a bit, since usually it takes longer for her to get here, but hey, I'm dressed, so it's all good.
I open the door to find her standing on the front step, looking down at the doormat. She looks tired and her pretty red hair ribbons seem droopy. Even her dress seems like the weight of the world is pressing down on it's shoulders. "Oh woe is me, living the life of a dress is so hard!"
Um... actually, that's a totally normal thing to think dresses are saying, haha...
"Michelle, what's wrong?" I ask immediately. "Why do you look so... droopy?"
She stares at the ground some more (which is making me really fucking pissed off, let me tell you) and then she looks up at me. She has dark shadows under her eyes and she looks paler than usual.
"Lovino... are you..." She swallows nervously, then straightens her shoulders and glares at me. "Lovino, are you gay?"
What?
WHAT?!
COME ON, IS IT THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS?
Oh, fuck everything... Fuck EVERYTHING! God dammit!
"I dunno!" I half shout, and she seems surprised by my reaction, but what am I supposed to say? "Oh yes, Michelle dear, of course I am gay! Why ever would you think I was straight? Ho ho ho!" or something like, "Of course not, Michelle dear! I'm straight as... something straight, and I want to sweep you off your feet and marry you and-"
Oh.
OH.
Oh SHIT.
"Michelle... are... do you..."
She looks up at me with wide eyes, as if dreading and anticipating my next words.
"Michelle... do you... l... like... me?" I wince. That came out wrong. I made it sound as if I was disgusted. I'm not disgusted, just... I mean... this is... um...
She bursts suddenly into tears. "Y-yes, Lovino, I like you, I like you a lot, even though Bella and Eliza kept- keep -saying that you're gay, I like you so, so much and I just don't know what to do anymore, because- are you really gay, Lovino? Are you? Please tell me if you are, okay? Please! I'm your f-friend! I want to kn-know, d-dammit!"
I nearly fall backwards in surprise. I swear that's the first time Michelle has ever sworn. Ever. She's such a goody-goody that I wouldn't even suspect her of knowing "bad" words except that I'm her friend.
"Please... please t-tell me..." she sobs, bringing her hands up to her face to wipe her eyes. "Just... I just want to know if I should keep trying..."
"...Yeah. Yeah, I am... um... I'm..." I glance awkwardly to the side, then back at her. "Yeah, I'm... gay, Michelle. Eliza and Bella have been right all along... Sorry." I offer up, even though that won't make things better.
She sniffles and sobs but finally straightens up, looks me right in the eyes, breathes in and out, and says "Okay then. I'm glad you told me, and I... I hope you still want to be my friend."
"Of course I still want to be your friend!" I say, shocked. "Why would this change anything?"
She smiles weakly at me. "Well... I... I don't know... I-I'm sorry, Lovino, but I have to go."
And with that she turns and walks out into the city, leaving me to feel like I've just ripped the heart from her chest and stomped on it a couple times, before desecrating her great-grandmother's corpse with it.
Fuck.
(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')
The next night finds me, as usual, in Antonio's apartment. It's a weekend, so most people aren't at the school. Antonio has taken to driving all the way to his apartment every Friday just because Nonno usually drives Romeo and I all the way home and he... he wants... t-to see me over the weekend.
H-he's such a sap...
Of course, I don't like it one bit.
I certainly don't like cuddling on his couch with him, while he rubs his nose against the back of my neck, and his arms are wrapped around my waist, and I feel comfortable and safe and keep falling asleep because somehow I just want to sleep around him, like he can keep me safe from the monsters in my dreams.
We're not cuddling now, though. We're making churros. He seems to really like making churros with me, and I can't help but like it too, since he always looks so happy all the time, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. It's not even that hard to make churros, but somehow he gets all red and puffy and cute and I just want to grab him a-and eat him or something... um... y-yeah...
Antonio is currently tipping the batch of churros I just made into a plate covered with a paper towel, to soak up the grease.
"Look, Lovi! These ones turned out perfectly! Good job!" He takes this "momentous occasion" as a good moment to glomp me, wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling into my hair, smushing my face (rather comfortably) into his chest in the process. I let him do this, resisting a bit just to keep up appearances when really all I want to do is grab him and kiss him and hold him and forever be his and- wait, who am I keeping up appearances for anyways? There's no one here but us, so shouldn't I be able to just... kiss him? Couldn't I? But what if he doesn't want me to kiss him... what if I cross some line and then he hates me and then- and then no more cuddling on the couch. What horror.
My phone- which is sitting on his kitchen table, looking vaguely forlorn -rings suddenly, making both of us jump away from each other, as if someone has just seen us having sex or something. N-not that we're having sex! I already told you that we haven't even kissed yet, but I'm sure that when we do it's going to be an epic, Shakespearian kiss- and not the Romeo and Juliet, tragedy type of kiss, but the Benedict and Beatrice, no-nonsense-or-drama kiss that's just simple and perfect.
S-so I've read some Shakespeare in my freetime! You don't have to fucking look at me like that!
"I should go get that," I mumble, not looking him in the eye, because awkward people do awkward things.
"Yeah, probably..." he says regretfully. With a sigh I walk over to my phone, expecting to see a call from Nonno or Eliza or something. Instead I see a call from... Feliciano! I quickly answer it and press it to the side of my face.
"Feli? What's wrong?"
"O-oh, fratello, thank goodness!" he says, sounding happy (as usual) but also... scared (which is not usual).
"Feli? What's wrong?!" I repeat, this time more urgently.
"I-I ran away, Lovino!" he cries. "I'm so m-mad at Mama and Papa! They're so, so mean to mio fratteli and they treat me like a prince, and I'm done with them!"
"Feli. I don't know where you are, but go back home right now. Turn around, get a taxi, and go back-"
"I thought you'd say that," he says poutily. "But fratello, I can't get a taxi back."
"Yes you can Feli, you're in New York! There are taxis everywhere-"
"But, fratello, I'm not in New York." A cold pit of dread sinks into my stomach, and I put my hand on the table to steady myself. "I'm in Rome, Lovino, and I'm not going home. I'm going to live with you~!"
"O-oh..." I murmur. "That's... that's..." A sudden thought occurs to me and I practically scream into the phone. "Feli where the fuck are you?!" I shout. "Tell me where you are and whatever you do don't move. I'm coming to get you right now, okay? So don't you dare move, Feli, stay where you are!"
"Ve~! Okay, fratello! Oh, and I'm at the airport! Are you going to come in a car? Ooh, ooh, do you have your own car? That would be so cool~!"
"No, I don't have a car! Just stay where you are, I'll be there in a minute! Bye now! Don't move!" I hang up the phone and shove it in my pocket, then head for the door. Suddenly I remember Antonio, and then I remember that he has a car. "Antonio, would you drive me to the airport please?" I ask in the rush. "You remember that other brother I told you about? Yeah, well, he's run away from home and he's just sitting outside the airport, apparently, the dumbass!" I growl a bit in frustration.
"Of course I'll drive you, Lovi!" Antonio says. "I'd love to meet your brother!"
Normally I'd blush at this part, but I don't have time for stupid things like embarrassment now.
"Thanks. Now let's go, quick, before Feli follows some butterfly and gets himself killed."
The sad thing is that that's an actual possibility.
(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')
The drive to the airport doesn't take long, only around seven minutes, but to me it feels more like seven years. All the things that could happen to a brainless ditz like my brother flash through my mind in those long, long seven minutes, and by the time we finally reach the airport I'm quite certain that the leftover pieces of him are spattered along the bottom of an airplane.
But when we pull up, there he is, waving happily and holding a stuffed suitcase in one hand. I open the car door before it's shut off and, with a sob, stumble over and wrap him in a protective hug, glaring at any passersby who look at us funny. In seconds he's sobbing into my shirt, wailing about something or other, and now I have to pat him on the back and roll my eyes and stroke his hair and hold him until he's finally done.
But when he is done, oh, that's when all hell breaks loose.
First I whack him on the head, making him whimper and cower slightly, even though I didn't even hit him that hard. "You. Stupid. Idiot!" I yell at him. "Why in fuck would you run away from home? Do you know how pissed they'll be? Do you know how much trouble we'll get into? All of us! Not just you, but me too, and Romeo, and even Nonno! They'll find some way to blame it on us, and then they'll just take you back home and everything will go back to how it was, except they'll hate us even more!" I whack him again. "You stupid idiot!" I say one more time for good measure. There are tears in his eyes again, and I feel my gut wrench, but I ignore it. He needs to be properly chastised before I go back to liking him.
I sigh then, rolling my eyes, and then open my arms again. He runs straight into them and gives me a hug, then kisses me on both cheeks, as he does sometimes. "It's g-good to see you though," I stammer out, face turning red considering all the people watching us.
"Ve~! It's good to see you too, fratello!" He pulls out of the hug. His head cocks curiously to the side and he points behind me. I turn to see Antonio, leaning awkwardly against his car. As soon as he notices us looking at him he waves and smiles in his overly happy way.
"Hey, hey, Lovino, who is that?" Feli asks excitedly, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Suddenly he caramel eyes go huge in surprise and wonder, and he leans in and whispers in my ear "Is he your boyfriend?!"
"N-no!" I squeak instantly and unconvincingly. "Definitely not! He's Antonio! Just... Antonio!"
"You have a boyfriend?!" he asks gleefully, as if he can't fucking believe it. "Wow, I didn't know you had a boyfriend! Do you kiss him and have sex with him and-"
I clap a hand over his mouth to shut him up, then cast a suspicious glance around. "Keep your motherfucking voice down, Feli," I hiss dangerously. "I don't want it getting out that Antonio and I are dating! You have to keep it a secret. Don't you dare tell a fucking soul or I will kill you."
He smiles at me, even though I can't see it with my hand covering his mouth, and mumbles "Okay, I won't tell anyone! Does Nonno know? How about Mama and Papa? And Romeo? And your friends? What about my friends, can I tell them? What about-"
Well, there goes my apparently "secret" relationship...
A/N I just want you all to know that I must love you a WHOLE FUCKING LOT, because it's currently three in the morning and I haven't even edited this yet, BUT I WILL.
THAT'S how much I love you all.
And also, I'm thinking of just cutting away the part where Antonio is Lovi's therapist, because there's too much other shit going on. Tell me what you thin k about this if ya want.