Chapter 10 – You're My Best Friend
"Ooo, you make me live, whatever this world can give to me, it's you, you're all I see
Ooo, you make me live now honey, ooo, you make me live
You're the best friend that I ever had, I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true,
I really love you, you're my best friend ooo, you make me live
I've been wandering round, but I still come back to you
In rain or shine, you've stood by me girl, I'm happy, happy at home, you're my best friend.
Ooo, you're making me live, whenever this world is cruel to me, I've got you to help me forgive
Ooo, you're making me live, you're the first one when things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely, you're my only one
And I love the things, I really love the things that you do
You're my best friend, ooo, you make me live.
I'm happy, happy at home, you're my best friend"
You're My Best Friend by Queen
Kaidan had been in the med bay when they had brought Vega in. The man had been badly beaten up. From the vid cameras, the three of them had definitely taken a beating from Kai Leng. The assassin made Kaidan's blood run cold with anger and the thought of revenge. The Illusive man's henchman would pay for going after Shepard…he felt pretty confident that both he and Vega were making that solemn vow.
What had really moved Kaidan was the tears of grief the marine had shed when he briefly thought that Shepard was dead. Kaidan could understand grief and heartache over losing her…hell he had lost her twice, Vega had only thought he lost her a mere matter of moments. The two just didn't compare. It was evident that Vega loved Shepard that he would do anything for her. Kaidan thought that Vega was a little too immature for Shepard and at times a little too irreverent, but maybe for now his easygoing, charismatic personality was what Shepard needed when so much was weighing on her. However, with so little time left before they headed back to Earth and the outcome of that upcoming battle so uncertain, Kaidan continued to work at rebuilding their friendship and trust.
Due to the high metabolism that their biotics caused, Kaidan and Shepard found themselves together on a regular basis at three in the morning, running laps in the cargo bay together, sharing a middle of the night snack or doing both. Kaidan had come to cherish these moments with her because at that time of night, most of the ship's crew was asleep and it was uninterrupted time for the two of them. The trust that both of them had once had in each other, which had been weakened to the point of snapping, was slowly starting to heal and strengthen. She was letting her guard down around him and he saw hints of the old Shepard beginning to emerge when she was alone with him. When she was relaxed and at ease, her quick witted humor, inappropriate remarks and flirtatious nature all came to the surface, reminding him of why he had fallen in love with her and why he now ached for all that he had lost. She was his opposite in so many ways, but that is why they had been so good together, they had complimented each other's strengths and weaknesses. She was the yin to his yang, the rhythm to his rhyme… then he smiled as he thought she was the Tennille to his Captain, the cream in his coffee, the bullets to his gun.
Yet as much as he enjoyed her being herself with him once again, what pleased him even more was that she was once again confiding in him about missions, strategizing and developing upcoming battle plans together, just as they had when they had served on the first Normandy together. She trusted him enough to discuss her preparations for a mission and that alone spoke volumes about how far their relationship had come.
The last time they were on the Citadel, Kaidan had heard about the day that Garrus had spent with her shooting bottles at the top of the Citadel. The Turian and Shepard had been close friends ever since she brought the ex C-Sec officer on as one of her crew and Kaidan knew that with their futures so unclear that the memories that the two of them had forged that day would carry them through the upcoming battles. Kaidan wanted to create similar memories with her. He wanted just one day, one day alone with her, without the pressures of the war, of command, of current relationships, one day to spend alone with her as her friend.
When they had docked on Illium to pick up supplies, Kaidan decided to seize the opportunity to have Shepard all to himself for one day. He had sent her note asking her to meet him at the transportation docks. The weekend that they had spent in Napa Valley together they had joked that they wanted to take an intergalactic wine tasting trip together; visiting a few of Illium's wineries was not the grandiose trip they had envisioned, but it would be a good start.
He had not told her about his plans for the day, only that he had a surprise for her, to dress comfortably and to let EDI know that she would be gone for most of the day. Surprisingly, she had agreed, however, now as he nervously glanced at his watch and noticed that she was twenty minutes late he hoped that she hadn't changed his mind. He looked up just as she entered the transportation bay. She wore tight fitting black slacks, a body-hugging cropped red sweater with a black leather jacket over top. He knew the jacket was to cover the guns that she was undoubtedly carrying. She looked fantastic.
She smiled as she walked up to him. "I'm sorry I'm late. I had an unexpected complication come up that I needed to take care of first."
Kaidan's eyes narrowed as he wondered if the "unexpected complication" was Vega. If she had told him who she was spending the day with, Kaidan could only imagine the marine's reaction. He knew that he would be less than thrilled if the roles were reversed.
"It's fine…"
She grinned at him. "What have I told you about saying you're fine? You do remember what it stands for, correct?"
He grinned back at her. "Fucked up…"
"Insecure," she added.
"Neurotic," Kaidan stated.
"And emotional," she finished.
They both laughed. "Okay, it isn't fine. I'm actually pissed. I am paying by the hour for this beauty and she isn't cheap," Kaidan said as he pointed to the sports vehicle behind them.
Shepard let out a low whistle, her eyes danced with delight as she eyed the sleek red vehicle. "You rented this for us?"
"Yep, we are traveling in style today."
"And where are you taking me?"
"Well, I thought we would start our intergalactic wine tasting trip here on Illium."
She grinned roguishly at him as the memory of that conversation flickered across her mind. Then her eyes narrowed on him. "Are you trying to get me drunk, Major?"
"Never, Commander, but if you should become intoxicated, have no fears. I will be a perfect gentleman and the only expectations that I have today is for two friends to relax, unwind and enjoy some delicious wines together," Kaidan said as he opened the passenger side door. She smiled at him then climbed in.
They were at their third winery when they decided that before they could continue tasting wine they needed to eat. They purchased a bottle of wine, some bread, cheese and meat that the winery sold, then found a cold spot under a tree.
Kaidan opened the bottle while Shepard fixed them something to eat.
"This was great, Kaidan. I really needed this and since we are heading to Horizon tomorrow, I'm glad that we have this time alone together."
The painful memory of the last time they had been on Horizon and the ugly, hateful things he had said to her rippled across his mind.
"Wow, I thought it would take at least half a day and several bottles of wine before we jump into that delightful topic. You could tell that I was trying to avoid it, couldn't you?" Kaidan said.
She nodded.
"We know each other too well, I guess," Shepard stated.
"Too well? Nah... Well, maybe. I think have a way of either pissing each other off with a passion, or knowing exactly what the other is too afraid to say." Kaidan replied.
"Like you are right now?" Shepard questioned.
"Yes."
"Well, passion was never our problem, Kaidan."
"No, but communication definitely was mine."
"Communication is a two way street, I didn't do a good job of it either. You have questions that you're afraid to ask, don't you?" Shepard asked.
"No...I trust you, Shepard."
"I didn't ask if you trust me, I asked if you have questions still."
"Well, you always knew how to cut to the heart of an issue," Kaidan stated.
"Exactly. And I smell bullshit...very distinct bullshit."
"Teg...Umhmm, I mean Shepard..."
"Kaidan it's just the two of us and we are about to have a very personal conversation, you can call me by my first name."
He smiled warmly at her, "Thank you, Teghan and thank you for your willingness to be so open with me."
"So tell me, Kaidan what do you want to know? I'm an open book."
"How did it feel when you woke up and realized that you had been dead for the last 2 years, and then magically came back to life?"
"If I had a credit for..."
"No ,no, you said I could ask anything." Kaidan replied defensively.
"No, you're right." She paused to collect her thoughts then smiled tentatively before replying.
"Hollow...empty…as if there was a huge void in my life. You hear people say all the time when they lose someone that, 'Life goes on,' but you don't realize how true that statement is until you actually face it and see that although you stopped living everyone else found a way to move on and live without you...that sounds selfish I know and that isn't how I mean it...I didn't want my friends and family to mourn me forever...oh damn it...it's hard to explain."
"It's okay. I think I can understand where you're coming from."
"No...I don't think you can...Kaidan, I died. I remember watching the Normandy be ripped apart by the Reapers as I drew in my last breaths. I remember watching the escape pod that held Joker jettison away...my last hope of survival going with him...then all of the memories of my life flashing before me, the last being the night I spent with you before Ilos then everything went black...it was your face that was the first memory that I had when I woke up in that lab..."
A single tear slipped down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. "Fuck...wine it always makes me weepy and emotional."
Kaidan was unable to speak, he had wondered if she had been conscious, if she had been afraid and he had always prayed that she hadn't been aware, that she had been knocked out. His heart ached at the thought of her knowing that she was going to die and being alone.
She quickly gathered her composure. "I knew that it had been two years for you, but it had seemed like only days for me when I woke up. Logically, I knew you would move on, I wanted you too. I wouldn't want you to spend your life grieving over me. That is what my head told my heart everyday…however, my heart has always had a listening problem and it held onto the hope that despite the two year separation, despite that I was a ghost brought back to life and despite the fact that I worked for a company that was less than humane at times, you would still lov…accept me. I should have never made those assumptions, Kaidan and I'm sorry."
Kaidan fought his own tears as all of her words sank in. No wonder she had lost all trust and faith in him after Horizon. No fucking wonder after Mars she had refused him and his declaration of love. Those words had to have sounded like such a mockery to her. He honestly didn't know what to say so he said the first thing that came to mind as he ran his hand in frustration through his hair. "Fuck...be careful what you ask for."
Shepard looked at him and began to laugh. "Well, that will teach you."
Kaidan took her hand in his. "Teg, I am so…"
"Don't you dare apologize," she interrupted. "The two of us have apologized to each other enough to last a several lifetimes. Let's just put the past behind us and move forward. Agreed?"
He smiled at her. "Agreed."
"Good, now pour me another glass of wine. All that talking has made me parched and sober," she commanded.
"Aye, aye ma'am, we can't have that," Kaidan chuckled as he did as ordered.
Horizon had been just as bad as the first time, but for completely different reasons. The experiments that Dr. Lawson had been performing on those innocent people both sickened and outraged him. Shepard had been equally disturbed by it, but her anger only fueled her need to stop Kai Leng and the Illusive Man. She was sick of Cerberus always beating them out at the last minute and the assassin's attempt on Miranda's life had been the last proverbial straw. She was taking the fight to them. Miranda had placed a tracker on Kai Leng and tomorrow they were heading into the lion's den…to remove its fucking head!
He was about to knock on her door when it opened. She looked tired, worried and troubled. "Can't sleep either?"
"Making yourself crazy won't help. You can only run through the scenarios and battle plans so many times before none of it makes sense anymore. You know this, Shepard," he reminded her.
"Kaidan, I need to…"
"Ssssh, just take five minutes to relax. Have a quick drink with me and then I'll go."
She reluctantly made her way back down to him as he poured both of them a glass of wine. He handed it to her and sat down on the sofa. "Shepard, you know that you have done everything that you could."
"Everything? I don't know…what if I'm missing something; something that could change the tide of the war."
"You aren't fighting this alone, Shepard. Look at your crew, the vastly talented men and women that are fighting by your side. What you have done since the Reapers have arrived is nothing short of miraculous. You have united an entire galaxy. Something that everyone said couldn't be done. You even convinced the Batarians to offer aid. You're amazing, Shepard. You've done all that you can, now have faith in those that have committed themselves to you and this war."
She took a long sip of her wine then she looked at him and he saw fear etched in her eyes. "I'm scared, Kaidan. If I fail it won't just result in my death or the death of my crew, but it will cost Earth…the galaxy everything."
He knew for the first time since this nightmare had begun that she was speaking of the fear that had been plaguing her since the Reapers attacked Earth, the fear that was the subconscious catalyst behind her nightmares. For months now, she had been carrying this unspoken burden, the weight of it slowly pulling her under, drowning her. He wanted to take her in his arms, ease her fear and pain as the two of them got lost in each other…but she was no longer his and he had come here tonight as a friend to offer her comfort and support. He pulled her into his arms, embraced her tightly, relishing the feel of her warm body against his.
"It's going to be alright, Teghan. We're going to win, Earth and the galaxy are going to survive."
He kissed the top of her head then released her. He stood to leave while he still had the willpower to walk away from her.
She looked up at him and smiled tenderly at him. "Thank you, Kaidan…for everything."
"I'm always here for you, Shepard, anytime you need a friend," he paused wanting to do so much more, but then he heard the door to her quarters open.
"Hope I'm not interrupting anything," Vega said sardonically from behind them.
"Nope, I was just leaving," Kaidan replied, not even glancing behind him as he held Shepard's gaze for another minute; drinking her in, memorizing every last detail about her before he turned and walked away from her.
A/N – Acronym – FINE is a reference to the Aerosmith song by the same name or a line from one of my favorite movies Ihe Italian Job. Take your pick.
*I know this is a short chapter, but it was a pivotal and important one for Kaidan's story.
*I also want to thank all those who have reviewed, alerted, fav'ed and those who are lurking. Please continue to share your thoughts with me, I love hearing from you and it brings a smile to my face.
*Huge thanks and hugs to my spankalicious beta and friend, Jinxy. Thank you for always being there, for being so supportive and for being fanfreckintastic friend. You rock!