The loud crash from Bella's room caused everyone in the house to come running. They stopped at the door for a moment, taking in the scene. Her large bookcase had been pulled over and paper fluttered everywhere from the books she had destroyed. Bella was pacing the room with her hands shoved in her hair, a continuous growl rumbling in her chest.
Carlisle gave a meaningful look to Jasper and he nodded, sending out a wave of calm into the room. Bella stopped pacing and abruptly turned to face the slew of vampires in her doorway. She glared at the blonde empath as her hands balled into fists. He wasn't getting past her shield today.
"Bella?" Carlisle addressed her in his most soothing voice. "What's wrong, dear?" The last thing he wanted was for her to lose all control inside the house. He still wasn't sure how powerful her shield could be and didn't want to risk reducing the structure to rubble.
She knew she was out of control and struggled to calm herself down since Jasper couldn't reach her. Bella had spent merely a month in the Cullen's home as an immortal and was already quite disenchanted with her existence. Nothing could hold her interest for long and there was way too much damn time to fill. She understood perfectly now how they all held multiple degrees, spoke several languages fluently, and mastered hundreds of other skills. There was so much damn time. Bella had tried, but it only made her agitated and restless. Her newborn status kept the family holed up in a remote area of Manitoba and never had anyone felt cabin fever like Isabella Swan, or Arabella Benefici as her official documents now named her.
Whatever emotions Bella thought she had worked through had fallen to the wayside. She was angry and bitter at the hand fate had dealt her. She'd wanted this life, and even if she hadn't realized exactly what it all entailed, she would have had it with Edward. She would have had a mate to share every moment with. As it stood, she was desperately alone and couldn't bear to think of living the next few years like this, let alone decades or centuries. It was agonizing to even consider.
She still felt the aching hole in her chest when she thought of him, and sweet Alice. Her dear best friend would never have let her suffer like this. She would have made sure Bella kept busy, and even if that meant an eternity of shopping, it was better than the hell she was currently embroiled in. Bella understood so much more now of what Edward had tried to tell her.
She had tried to fill her endless hours with all kinds of things, but found nothing to be passionate about. There was chess with Carlisle, which usually included lengthy discussions about all manner of topics. She helped Esme in the greenhouse they built, growing plants from seed, whenever her inexperience didn't damage the seedlings that is. Emmett shared his love for video games, commiserating when she broke more than a couple controllers. Apparently, he still broke them from time to time as well. He was always eager to go hunting with her, which eased her fears about burdening the family because she needed a babysitter. Rose surprised Bella with her love of all things music and had begun teaching Bella how to play the piano. Her singular motivation was to be able to play the pieces Edward had written for her and Esme, never wanting to forget the love he had poured into those compositions. They also had their typical girly moments where Rose schooled her in the acts of beautification, but there was no point. There was no one to look pretty for, and Bella couldn't find it in her to care. Jasper continued to keep his distance, but she knew the boxes of books she found outside her door every now and then were some kind of peace offering from him. They still couldn't communicate without misunderstandings and misspoken words. She did enjoy the books, and was glad they were nothing of importance because the pages were easily ripped by fingers that still had a difficult time knowing their strength.
Even with everyone's effort to include her in their activities on a daily basis, she was still left to her own devices a majority of the time. She was merely going through the motions, and it was tedious and stifling. Some days she didn't know how she could go on. Today was one of those days.
"I can't do this." The words left her mouth in a snarl.
"Do what?" Esme asked.
"This!" She gestured at herself. "How? How do you go on? How did you survive alone for so long, Carlisle? I feel like I'm going to go insane and it's only been a year. I can't do this forever!"
"Bella, calm down." Carlisle tried to persuade her.
"I used to love reading, but now the thought of another book makes me ill. It was nice to escape to all these little fictional worlds before. Now when I'm done with a book, I realize it's only been an hour and I still have twenty-three more to fill up. And that's just for the day!" She raised her weary gaze to meet the eyes of her family members. "It doesn't matter how many activities you find for me to engage in, there is always more time waiting for me. I don't know what to do. When he spoke of endless nights, I never truly understood just how lonely he must have been, until now. How did he do this for so long?" Bella dropped her eyes to the floor as she ran out of steam, feeling utterly defeated by her circumstances.
Sorrow spread through the family as they remembered Edward's decades alone. They ached knowing that Bella was now experiencing something similar.
"You're not alone, Bella." Esme tried to placate her. Bella's incredulous look was expected. They knew exactly what she meant.
The fight had completely left Bella. She sighed and shook her head, before setting about cleaning up the mess she had created. Her embarrassment over her outburst was clearly felt by one member of the family, and as the rest of them faded away from the room, he stepped forward and joined her in her efforts.
They didn't speak, but it was the start of something. Jasper's quiet solidarity reminded her subtly that there was someone else who understood what she was going through.
~~**~~
"Bella, take a walk with me?" Carlisle peeked his head into her room. She unfolded herself gracefully from the chair she had been sitting in for the past thirty-two hours and followed him silently out of the house.
They walked in silence as the sun neared the horizon, painting the clouds with luminous colors. She'd once taken joy in beautiful sunsets like these, but they were painful reminders of yet another day passing without Edward by her side.
"Shall we hunt?" He asked, studying her intensely for a moment and deciding she really didn't need to feed as often as they were making her.
"I'd rather not." Bella replied, her arms folded across her chest as her gaze wandered over the trees that appeared as nothing more than black shadows as the sun dipped behind them.
Carlisle took a seat on an exposed boulder and waited for her to join him. It pained him to see his newest daughter so unhappy. He knew better than anyone how achingly lonely this life could be, and losing his first companion, his son, was as devastating to him as it had been for her.
He was a patient man, and eventually Bella made her way over to him and raised an eyebrow in anticipation of whatever conversation it was he wanted to have with her. "I owe you many apologies, Bella." He began. "But I will never apologize for encouraging Edward in his pursuit of you, because you were the best thing to ever happen to him – whether you believe that or not. I am sorry that your choice was taken away and now you are left to suffer in this life. The sheer expanse of time that stretches before us is unfathomable. It has only been a year for you, and I know it seems like an eternity, but eventually the days blend into weeks, and then into years, and so on. It is difficult, in the beginning, to face each day exactly the same as you did the day before. There is no sleep to escape to, and you won't wake up a day older. You won't gain or lose weight. You'll never know the feeling of life growing within your womb or the feel of your child's hand engulfed in your own. Your appearance will never change. You won't grow old or become ill. You will never again sweat from the summer heat or shiver from the winter's chill. There are millions of mundane things humans have to worry about on a day to day basis. Their survival depends on it. But we are no longer human. The only part left of us that can grow and be nurtured is our intelligence. It is especially difficult in the beginning because you are still used to all these human concerns. Your mental capacity was limited and there was always something to occupy it. Really, the only thing your body needs now is to hunt, and that can be relegated to an hour per week. As a human, you'd spend easily an hour per day just preparing and consuming the food you needed to survive. Add that to eight hours each day for sleep, thirty minutes for all your bathroom activities, and another eight to ten hours devoted to school or work. That doesn't leave a lot of free time. Now you have nothing but time. It's a difficult adjustment, and I'm not sure any of us ever adjust completely."
He paused and watched her for a moment. Bella was absorbing everything he said as she stared intently at the ground, a small crease still formed between her brows when she was concentrating on something. Carlisle found it endearing. Edward, Esme, and Rosalie each carried over some gesture or expression from their human lives. It was strangely comforting to see the continuity, knowing that not all their humanity was lost during the change.
"It will get easier. But I know that's not what you want to hear. It's quite cliché." He chuckled. "You have to find something you are passionate about. There is always your education, to begin with. You could finish high school remotely and get your diploma, and almost all colleges offer online courses these days. With your control, you might even be able to attend a college in the next couple years if you wanted to wait for that experience. If that is not a route you'd like to take, we will fully support you in any hobby you'd like to try your hand at. The sky is the limit in that regard given our financial status and abilities."
Carlisle took a deep breath, before continuing. "There is not much I can do to help ease your loneliness. I learned that with Edward. No matter how much he involved himself, there was still something missing. You will, no doubt, experience the same thing. We pretty much have only our own family for companionship, with the occasional visit from friends and others of our kind. I cannot, in good conscience, allow our family to befriend another human as we did with you. We cannot risk the exposure or the wrath of the Volturi. They are watching us closely, and will take action should we slip at all." His expression hardened as he thought of the methods their so-called leaders were using now to exert their power. Something had to be done, and soon. "I can't guarantee you will escape the loneliness that plagues you now. I can only assure you that we are here for you and will do everything in our power to make this life more bearable for you. I know it's not much, but it is all I can offer."
Bella looked up at him then. His gazes sympathetic and understanding as he rested a hand on her shoulder. Unfathomable sadness lingered in her golden eyes and he couldn't help the regret that he had brought another unhappy soul into this life. She was so pure and selfless, so much like his son. He hoped some day they would move past this and forge a bond as deep as the one he had shared with Edward. One day he hoped to see the life shining in her once again.
"You can travel the world, Isabella. See things no human has ever laid eyes on. There are wonders out there that only our kind can experience. There are caves, both underwater and high in the mountains, that are unreachable to humans. I can show you cave paintings that date back tens of thousands of years and have never been cataloged. There are animals tucked away in remote deserts and forests that have never been recorded. Just say the word and we'll go. I'll take you anywhere, show you anything. We'll hunt lions in the savannahs of Africa, or tigers in the mountains of Siberia. We can tour the libraries and museums of the world and study rare texts and ancient artifacts. You can explore the Khumbu Glacier or climb Mount Everest in Nepal. You can try your hand at cliff diving again off Nanga Parbat in the Himalayas."
She winced at his reference to the catalyst for this whole mess. If she had never jumped... If she had just waited for Jake...
Carlisle wrapped an arm around her, immediately sensing his mistake. "I'm sorry." He whispered. She nodded in acceptance of his apology.
"The world lies at your feet, sweet girl. Find something to live for, and I'll do everything in my power to give it to you."
Bella rested her head against Carlisle's chest, allowing herself to be soothed by the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest as he breathed unnecessarily. She didn't realize how much she needed her father, until she didn't have him any longer. She never knew how much she would miss Charlie. At least she had Carlisle now.
~~**~~
He watched her from the large window in his bedroom that overlooked the backyard where she had lain for five days without moving. Jasper wanted nothing more than to go to her and comfort her, but every effort he'd made had turned into some kind of argument or misunderstanding. Bella had not moved since the day she returned from her excursion with Carlisle. After the second day of her downtime, Carlisle explained what they had talked about and that he was sure she was just taking time to think about what she might like to do with her life. He couldn't hide his worry from Jasper. The truth was that everyone worried about Bella. They remembered all too well how tortured Edward had been, and feared the same fate, if not worse, for their newest family member. Edward had never found love until Bella crossed his path, but Bella...Bella had lost her mate and best friend...and nothing could erase that kind of pain.
The sliding of the back door caught his attention, and the accompanying determination and annoyance told him it was Rosalie before she even came into view. He groaned internally, knowing what was about to happen. His sister didn't take the gentlest approach when it came to dealing with others. Sometimes that was exactly what the recipient needed, but he felt protective of the girl who was about to be on the receiving end of Rose's wrath and wanted to stop her before she started in on Bella.
"Enough is enough, Bella! You are being pathetic. Get your ass up and quit moping around. We all lost Edward and Alice, but we have to go on with our lives, and so do you!"
Bella slowly looked at Rose, before returning her gaze to the bright blue sky.
Rose huffed and moved to stand over Bella, blocking her view. "None of us asked for this life. Oh wait, yes you did! So, you got your wish, now get up and get on with it."
"Fuck you." The words flew out of Bella's mouth.
Rose smiled at the fact that she got a response from her. "No thanks, that's what I've got Emmett for, but I appreciate the offer."
"Yeah, no shit, Rose." She sneered. "It's not like I can't hear you two getting it on like rabid monkeys every night...and most of the day. Would it kill you to have a little restraint?"
"It's okay, you'll get used to it." Rose shrugged.
"Maybe I don't want to get used to it Rose!" Bella leapt to her feet. "Did it ever cross your pretty little mind that some of us lost our mates and listening to our so-called brother and sister going at it all the time might be a little uncomfortable? A little painful? Did you ever stop to think about anyone other than yourself?"
"You can't expect us to stop everything because of what happened, Bella. It's been a year. It's time to move on."
"You have no idea what it's like, Rose. Don't even go there."
"You think I don't know what it's like? I never wanted this life. I was meant to die that night and now I'm trapped in this unchanging body for eternity!"
"Well at least you don't have go through it alone. You just went out and found yourself a mate as soon as possible. Try losing Emmett and then come talk to me or Jasper. I may be new to this life, but he not only has to listen to you, but he has to feel it too. Ever think about that?" Rose stood gaping at Bella with her mouth open. She actually had not considered that. Of course there were no secrets in their house, but after a while you learn to tune it out. Rose never thought about how it might affect Jasper, and since Bella and Edward were never intimate, she didn't think it would matter. "You know that's why I never wanted to come back here. It was stupid to think I'd ever fit in with this family."
Bella turned to walk away, but Rose tried to stop her. "Bella, wait.."
"I don't want to hear it. You've always had everything handed to you on a silver platter. It was a mistake to think we could ever really be sisters." She whispered before heading into the woods.
Jasper was seconds behind her, and Rose called out to him as he passed her.
"Not now Rose."
She wasn't running, she just wanted to be alone. It was too much, being here with his family. She knew it would be. Bella was constantly being watched and pitied. She'd been trying to think of what she could do in this life that would bring her any kind of happiness, but memories of Edward invaded every waking moment. She missed having someone to talk to. She wanted Alice.
Bella stopped and turned around, waiting for Jasper. He always followed her and sure enough a second later he was leaning against a tree a hundred feet away from her. She waited for him to lay into her since it seemed everyone was having a turn these days. Jasper had been strangely quiet around her as of late and while she was glad she didn't have to argue with him or listen to his lectures, she did miss just talking to him.
"I appreciate your concern for me Bella, but we can't expect them to stay celibate for the rest of eternity." He spoke quietly. The truth was that it was difficult for him to deal with all the amorous emotions in the house. It only reminded him of Alice and what he no longer had. It reminded him of the eternity he faced without her. At night it left him hard and panting and incredibly unsatisfied.
"I know." She mumbled. "She just rubs me the wrong way. I have no idea how you all put up with each other for so long. I feel like I'm going mad."
He moved closer to her, until there were only a couple feet between them. "It will get easier."
She snorted. "That's what everyone keeps saying." She wrapped her arms around her torso just like she did when she was human. "I told you I didn't want to come back here yet."
"I know. It's harder than I thought it would be." He admitted.
Her head whipped up, her narrowed eyes searching his face for the truth.
"I spent a hundred years walking this earth before I found Alice. I know how lonely it can be, even when surrounded by others. Rose may not be happy with this life, but she's never had to go through what me, or Carlisle, or you have. She means well, but she can't possibly understand how much bleaker this existence could be. She's always had Emmett. We're facing eternity without the ones we loved most and there is just no comparison."
He gently grasped her arm. "Even so, it's going to have to be something we learn to live with. No matter how much it hurts. We can't ask them to stop loving each other because of us. It's true, they could tone it down a bit, but they've always been this way. I don't see it changing any time soon." He chuckled humorlessly, his thumb absently stroking her arm. "What do you say we give them their space. Just me and you, going out and getting away from the house whenever their nightly activities start up? Would that help?"
Bella smiled. He was momentarily dazzled by the sight because he hadn't seen a true smile from her since her eighteenth birthday.
"Do you think we can get along well enough to actually do that?" She asked, one eyebrow arching delicately.
"We can try." Jasper shrugged.
"Then, yes, I think that might help. Nights are the hardest because they want to be with each other. The loneliness is more intense then. Sitting alone, in my room, listening to everyone else...it's not fair, Jasper. They stole them from us!" Her voice had gained a hard edge.
Jasper let his gift calm them both. "It's not, and one day they will pay." He promised.
She relaxed her jaw and stopped grinding her teeth as she let him calm her.
"Truce?" He asked playfully, holding his arms out for her.
Bella nodded warily, but stepped into his embrace. The moment his arms closed around her, she felt her worries melt away. She missed Edward's embrace. Carlisle and Esme hugged her regularly, but this was different. Trying to be discreet, she inhaled, taking in his scent. She felt him do the same. The two of them had never been so close. Though she was now made the same as him, her arms felt warmer, softer somehow. He hadn't held a woman in his arms since Alice and the soft curves and feminine scent was something he had missed. Jasper had never been an affectionate person, but he could get used to this. Bella's head tucked just under his chin and her small frame felt fragile in his arms. It was nice to finally be able to hug her without fearing for her life.
Her arms loosened slightly, and he took it as a sign to end their embrace. She stepped back, her head bowed, and he knew she would be blushing if she could.
"I should apologize to Rose. I said some awful things." Bella finally broke the silence.
He nodded, having felt how much Bella's words had hurt Rose. "That can wait for tomorrow. The sun is setting, and I'm afraid she's going to be otherwise occupied for the next eight to ten hours." Bella watched as the sun glinted off his blond hair and a sliver of skin on his forehead shimmered in the fading light. "Why don't we hunt? It's been almost a week for you." He suggested, evaluating the color of her eyes and the deep purple bruises under them.
"Yeah, I should hunt." She agreed.
He jerked his head to the east where a moose was crashing it's way through the trees and they took off to find something to sate their thirst.
After hunting and cleaning up in the river, the two lost souls sat and talked until the sky began to lighten. It was the first of many nights they would spend together, away from the house and the lovers inside.
Tomorrow, Bella would apologize to Rose. She would ask Carlisle for help with her gift, and she would spend some time with Emmett and Esme. Things wouldn't magically improve overnight, but it was a start. She had an eternity to look forward to, and though she would never forget the ones she lost, she would have to move on.