Ok so get ready for some angst Merle and Daryl (umm disclaimer owned by AMC/Kirkman not by me yatta yatt) get into it a little these Dixon Boys love each other so deeply they will sacrifice anything but they wont talk about it and they never ever look back but fate has a funny way of slapping you up the head to get your attention and karma is a wily bitch. I can respect that. Heh heh heh (laughs evilly). Graphic child abuse of a very young Merle is mentioned. self injury is alluded to so is substance abuse.
8.
Her skin is warm to the touch, pale with a dusting of freckles all over. Her scar is like a divot in her side an ugly canyon marring her soft skin contrasting with her assertive beauty. I test the flexibility of her skin earning a sharp in drawn breath and a light groan. her skin is drawn in the middle of the scar about 5 inches long. I test its edges stuck in the middle but more mobile up her hip and down to her buttocks. it's almost the length of my hand, but being that my chewed remains of digits have broken bones and stitches still healing I am not able to put pressure on that side of my hand, even though my hand is large enough to stretch. I will have to have Daryl stretch her (SHIT - I hate admitting that I need help due to my lack of digits.)
"Merle? What the hell?"
Daryl is standing there gnawing on his thumb eyeing Skya n' me looking for all the world like I'm tryin' to bump uglies with her, but for once'n my life, I was only touching & not tryin' to get in her pants. He actually interrupted a nice moment, a moment where I felt almost regular for the first time since I woke up. It was a good 5 minutes, where I concentrated on the softness of the skin around her scar and the vulnerability of her letting me touch her very tight scar, looking at the redness and how it is glued to the tissue around it.
"You are barely able to sit up on your own and you're putting moves on her already?" Daryl continues to dress me down "In front of all those little kids . . . Damn! And you Skya. . . you're no better. I'll not deny chicks dig my brother but it's usually because they're sluttier than a coon in heat. I thought you better than that."
"the fuck . . ."(I wanted to feel normal for longer you came back too early little brother) I start to jump to my feet instinctually wanting to pound his face through his skull, then I remember not only am I full of broken bones but I can't actually punch anything with either side. I sigh with frustration and settle into yelling at the Boy. "what fucking business of yours boy; at least one of us has the stones to even attempt. what are they just for decoration, Huh? why don' you find someone else to bother" (I don't like looking like a cripple in front of my brother).
She has that way of slowly smiling; if you look you can see many responses filtering through her brain. Then she looks me in the eye with a wry smile; starts to bring my brother back to reality and put him in his place without me losing respect in his eyes. "Now Daryl don't be jealous of your brother. Just because I've had opportunity to get cozy with him. Doesn't mean I'm as slutty as a female coon. He was actually assessing my scar and trying to figure out how to stretch it for me. I'll only let certain people work my scar. Those who won't make me feel pitiful being disfigured."
Wow that really put him in his place. Not the scathin' one liner that I expected but made him shut up and stop assuming the fuckin' worst of me. His mouth drops open for a moment and he gives us both a double look. I smile and comb my fingers through my increasingly unruly curls, snorting in humor
"You're looking at her scar Merle? Really?"
"Yep little brother. Among other things. Skya winces at that "hey guys I'm right here and not liking to hear that.
I look at Daryl looking at me; he nods, and helps me get my shirt up to my bad shoulder even though she has seen my scars before she hasnt looked at them like she is now there is almost no unscarred skin on my back and sometimes I get tight. usually a hot shower does the trick. He sits next to me and pulls up his shirt to show her at least some of his back. Unlike me he cares; doesn't willingly show others his scars. We show her both our backs. "No pity 'ere sweetheart, Daryl and I have our share of licks". (I don't show my back very often either but I don't exactly care. I've never been ashamed of my body. Theres only one scar that I wont show even Daryl hasent seen that one. It was my first and my worst) Most people think I'm scarred because I was in the military and because I'm an unrepentant prick.
Skya considers, I watch Daryl watching her. I hope she says the right thing.
"Okay I get it. Thanks guys"
"Who can stretch me" she says looking at me
"Well Daryl has two hands and no broken bones, I vote for him"
Daryl steps up to her and looks at her scar. "What happened to you girl? This looks old too. How come it never got fixed?" She lies down on my bed; I groan and move to the chair. For once my noises are ignored which I like. She considers and . . ."I was shot by mistake while I was watching a football game in central park when I lived in New York city 20 years ago. I was an animal researcher at the Bronx zoo specializing in crocodilians". (Holy shit really, the layers onion girl so many layers I've never suspected). "It felt like a big dog took a chunk out of me. When I put my hand to my back it came up dripping full of blood and that's the last thing I knew until 3 weeks later when I woke up at Jacobi Hospital in NYC."
"They had to remove my right kidney and two ribs, replaced the ribs with part of my pelvis. So they grafted skin from my leg, the grafts didn't take; they tried a second time but had to close it as best as they could. They showed me how to keep it stretched and how to work out the adhesions. I was fine for almost twenty years. Then 5 years ago when I had Mya, things got sore again, even though I was fine when Liam was born. I was getting scheduled for plastic surgery when the dead began to walk, but now that's gone along with the rest of society."
"Damn girl that sucks. Sorry for that." Daryl puts one hand above her scar and the other below. "Hold tight girl this might hurt a little, Im not sure how far to stretch ya. Just holler if I need to stop." She grimaces and groans, Daryl looks worried, and then she says. "No keep going this is good pain, REAL GOOD Ummm". I have to turn away and hug myself; laughing still hurts more than anything but damn if they only knew how that sounded. I look at Daryl who is blushing. Yes he knows how it sounds. His embarrassment makes it even better. He stretches her for a while and amazingly as it sounds she falls asleep in my bed. I look at her and watch her sleep.
The toddler girl was watching and came over, patted me on the knee, said Owie? I look at her and said "its Okay sweetheart". I get up stiffly and gingerly walk her over to Beth. By the time I cross the room I'm sweating and shaky. I shake her awake and give her the toddler. "Skya fell asleep, can you tuck her in?" Beth flinches to look at me. "Is Skya okay?" she asks. "Sure she was havin' some back pain and Daryl helped her. I think she's been overdoin' it taking care of the kids and me too. But she looks happy as a pig in shit now". She smiles tentatively and says "You look better Merle, I'm glad. Your brother hasn't been away from your side until he knew you were stable." I look at the chair at back at her "please sit Merle" I'm strangely tongue-tied around her I've never noticed her much, being that she is such an innocent little thing and seems to always have a baby in her lap.
"I'm better but its slow going. Hard to balance with my bum arm tied down. Your Dad took good care of me. He's a good Doctor. I wanted to say that I liked your singing that time. I bet you used to sing in church. Huh. I know it doesn't seem it but before my Momma died when Daryl was 8 we never missed a week even if she had to wear sunglasses, she even sang in the choir sometimes. I loved her voice when I was a kid". I don't know what else to say so I stare out into space for a while then. Get up and walk back to where Daryl is watching Skya sleep.
"You want me to move her? I look at her "nah let her stay I'll be Okay. If nothin else I'll get her to believe we had some sweet lovin' when she wakes with me in tha morning. I'm KIDDING! Li'l bro, I couldn't do a damn thing even if there weren't a bunch of kids sleeping on the other side of tha room. Geez, I'm not that big a piece of shit". So did ya find the meds? How was it out there?
"Yeah man we got them. They're all still sick but on the mend. Hershel needs you to stay down here for another week or two. Pretty ugly out there. Went to the vet school like the old man said. Ugly place, lotsa animals just died in their cages. People just died trapped. Went with Tyrese, Joe and Michonne. She helped me save your ass ya know. You missed it".
"All hell broke loose upstairs. some kind of crazy flu people coughin up their damn lungs ' bleedin out. Half of the governors' surviving town folks, dead of the flu when they survived, the crazy fucker. You do know that when you took out all those men before he nearly killed you, that he was unable to rebuild his army".
"I hurt him pretty bad, but not bad enough. I shot him in the chest but missed his heart. He put guns in the hands of kids, of people who did not know shit about defending themselves. They ran scared like rabbits when they came, refused to kill anyone when they found out the truth. Then he murdered all the people that came with them. He gunned them down, each and every one; just because they couldn't fight like he wanted them to. Then he disappeared".
I interrupted him, jumped to my feet, tripped because I moved too fast, caught my balance then proceeded with pacing slowly, not able to believe my ears. "what you mean NOT dead. I give my fingers, my wellbeing, get shot trough the chest and you JUST LET THE CRAZY FUCK LIVE!. Do yu even have a fuckin' brain in there anywhere, If you do is it workin at all? you couldn't kill him knowing what he did to me? to the others, how many people he fucking murdered. How he ruined a good chance. The first time I was respected and clean since the fucking Marines threw me in the damn brig!
Daryl grabs at me causing me to lose my balance and I flail at him for support (damn can't I just punch him and be normal again already why do I need to be gimpy on both fuckin sides)
"You just listen now Man. You were bleeding out fast and I decided I wanted your sorry ass to live, don't know why I thought that now.I just want my brother back.
" I done tole you that already. What did you kill so many brain cells from drugs that you can't remember shit. I just want you around. I want you for once, not hurt, not high, not in trouble with the law. Just here, hunting, fixing shit, making shit. Cracking stupid jokes, laughing at even stupider shit & cooking the weird food you like so much. Snoring so bad I gotta throw somthin' at you and then you accusing me of snoring myself awake cause, for fuck sake Merle Dixon just don't never snore. How come that's so impossible for you to get along; or just agree to leave them alone.
"We went and got the rest of the people, after he massacred the ones that he forced to attack us. then he disappeared. figured that's enough of killing. Then they come here and died from the flu that we caught from a goddamn hog. They coughed, ran a fever hot as hell, vomited till they turn themselves inside out, then bled from the lungs, nose and eyes, and suffocated on their own blood and spit. Then they reanimated and started eating people who weren't sick yet, kids got it first then some old people, then people in their prime. The only reason I didn't get it is I wasn't here. I was out there hunting, and going on runs".
"So don't you even think of going up there until each and every one of those sick motherfuckers stop coughing. I'm still pissed at you by the way. When will you learn, I just got my brother back and you have to go off and nearly get your simpleminded self killed just because you're too damn proud to ask for forgiveness and try to get along with people who you need to make amends. You did bad shit. You know you did. Why don't you for once in your sorry ass life own up the shit you did and prove to someone other than me that you're not a simple-minded piece of redneck shit like you accuse them of treating you".
"Daryl, hold on" he's pacing now he's so upset, Skya is playing possum being right next to me. I'm resting my hand on her so she doesn't draw his attention. Beth is staring at him unnoticed, Skya's kids have woken and the girl is starting to whimper, with Beth holding her. Daryl is more and more agitated and is now hissing like a nest of angry snakes. He doesn't see everyone staring until he stops for a moment. Normally quiet the volatile side of his temper is bubbling up and ready to get volcanic. It's a good show so I give him another nudge to really make him pop off at me,
"No Merle it's my turn. It's been your turn for 40 years. Now I get my say. This time you do as I ask. We are equals now. I won't live in your shadow and I won't ask you to live in mine. You saved my life when we were kids more than once. This time you were dying & I kept you breathing, made sure your lungs didn't collapse, you didn't bleed out. I did right by you".
"You fucking prick. You didn't see what you looked like when you had blood pouring out of you with every fuckin heartbeat. when I had to stuff shit I found into yer damn chest front an back so ya diddn' bleed out till I got ya sorry ass to Hershel. When you started hallucinatin', talking in your fever dreams. When I watched them to put your arm and your insides back together. I should have never needed to see your bones and lung through the holes in your damn idiot self. Why are you so damn smart yet do such fuckin' dumb shit time after time. You 'aint even on drugs no more. When you were tweaking' you at least had a excuse. Why do you do such dumb shit an' leave me to sort it out? What the fuck is yer problem man?"
"When Hershel says it's OK you are going up there without your shirt without your wrist guard. They will see that you are covered in scars, the belt marks on your back and chest that you hide from our childhood. The burn on your stomach from the fire and the cigarette marks(1). (Holy shit he knows about Daddy trying to burn my package when I was little). They will see how you defended me and tried to give your life to keep the prison from falling. They will see my scars too. Because they will for one time only see us as they never have before. Dixon secrets will kill no more Dixons".
"You will survive this. I am not asking you I am telling you. I saved your worthless ass make it count for fucking once you prick. Ain't you tired of it all, Merle the constant unnecessary fucking struggle? Damn, Merle I need some air, but it needed to be said. I'm goin hunting I'll come back tonight. I've missed you man, I've really missed you Merle. There's jus' ain't no one like you, no one can ever replace that. Shit I gotta git outta 'ere."
He lets me go suddenly and stomps off, I sit suddenly down knowing that he knows about my most vulnerable moment as a little boy, when this all started when my trust was broken for good and my Daddy threw me in the fire like an unwanted dirty paper plate, trash (1). The truth is I never ask for help because I never believed it would ever come again. Daryl had me but who did I have. No one stopped my Daddy's when I was so young. My momma was out working, the neighbors called the cops. I was treated and given back to my parents. Shit gets swept under the rug when yer Momma is stripper who roped the local moonshine maker into marryin' him. No one hears, or sees, or feels. I live invisible so does Daryl. But at least he has me. It's a miracle I survived at all. Sometimes rats eat their young, my Daddy chewed me up good, then spat me out and gnawed on Daryl when I wasn't watching. That blind eye was contagious, my greatest sin and why I sacrificed myself.
Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I lived. I've never given in and despite the misery and sorrow in ma life I never tried to take my own life. I liked to self medicate and feel dumb. messed up but understandable. what freaks me out now is I'm doing this clean. I'm no longer taking pain meds I'm feeling this pain for the first time not numbing myself and the feeling is new but in a fucked up way a bit of a high in itself. I sit there like a little broken boy that I once was.
Skya watches me watch her.
"What the HELL was that"? she asked
I smirk at her through my agony. "Ever hear Karma is a bitch. Musta pissed off a whole tribe of gypsies in a past life (2)".
I have a couple of shout outs
(1) Reassurance by TheSparrow93. Merle was burned on his stomach and hip by his Dad at the age of 4. apparently it was a weenie roast. sick but amped up the angst. loved the tender love between brothers.
(2) Life after Death by Helen Patskyn I used to read fan fic about Agent Sands from the wonderful Rodriguez movie Once Upon a Time in New Mexico. Her first person fanfiction inspired me to try this. - very good at getting into his head space and showing that he was much more than a sociopath.
Merle is talking to himself again (indicated by this) in parenthesis.
I'm not beneath begging Please review me and tell me what works and what I need to improve on. Im gratified to see that people are reading and returning to read more. that makes me squee. I have had very few reviews however. I need some reader love. sharing is caring. TYTYTY