All Cordelia could do was stare, gaping. Angel leaned against the front desk of the Hyperion, waiting for a response to his question. Finally, the best Cordelia could manage to spit out was, "Huh?"
His arms crossed over his chest, Angel repeated himself. "I asked how long you've been a Slayer."
"And I replied with 'huh,' because that's crazy talk, Angel. I'm not a Slayer. I mean, granted, I don't know much about what I am right now, but I know I'm not one of those." Her memories flashed back to years before, on the blonde woman who had once been the center of Angel's attention, and Cordelia winced. "You're confusing me with…" Although she remembered the other woman's name now, Cordelia couldn't seem to bring herself to say it, not to him and not like this. "…Someone else."
"No, I'm not, and yeah, you are," Angel replied. "Trust me on this, Cordy. I'm a vampire—I kinda know a Slayer when I see one. And tonight, watching you fight, my senses were going haywire."
"Well your senses were wrong this time!" Cordelia yelled, knowing she was suddenly bordering on hysterical, but not knowing how to calm herself down. She remembered enough to know a Slayer was something she did not want to be, and even as her mind screamed that no, Angel had to be wrong, something inside her told her he was anything but…
Angel dropped his hands to his sides and took a step forward, though he stopped when he saw the nervous look in Cordelia's eyes and the way she was pulling back from him. "They're not wrong. You're a Slayer."
"That's impossible! I can't be. I…" Cordelia gasped, her eyes growing wide as a thought entered her mind, and her voice softened. "Angel, did…did she die again?"
"No," Angel replied, shaking his head. "And neither did Faith. Willow did a spell a little while back that activated all of the Potential Slayers. Anyone who could've been a Slayer now is a Slayer. You must've been one and never knew it."
Cordelia took another several steps backwards, stopping when her legs bumped against the sofa. "Angel, you have to be wrong. I'm not a Slayer. I'm just not!"
"Then explain the way you fought those vampires," Angel replied, his arms crossing back over his chest. "You've never fought like that before, and I think even with the gaps in your memory, you know that's the truth."
"I do," Cordelia admitted softly, turning away.
"You fought like a Slayer, Cordy."
"No, I didn't!" Cordelia insisted as her gaze came back around to focus on Angel again. "I fought like…like…"
"Like what?" Angel asked, his eyebrow arched.
"A Wolfram and Hart trained sleeper agent?" Cordelia offered, her voice uncertain.
Angel stared at her for a moment before he blinked and asked, "What?"
"See, Wolfram and Hart had me, and now I'm super strong, so I figure they must've done something to me, only I don't remember what or why, so I have to be some sort of sleeper agent," Cordelia explained in a rush.
"That's insane."
"It's not!" Cordelia insisted, even though she knew he was right. She still liked her crazy sleeper agent theory better than the idea of being a Slayer. "Wolfram and Hart does stuff like that!"
"I think that may be a little over the top, even for them," Angel replied. He dropped his arms again and sighed. "Cordelia, you're a Slayer. You know it as well as I do, even if you don't want to admit it."
Feeling defeated, Cordelia sank down onto the sofa. "I don't want to be," she said after a moment of silence.
"I know." Angel wrapped his arm around her, and Cordelia responded by resting her head on his shoulder, accepting his comforting embrace. They stayed like that, silent for several minutes before Cordelia glanced up.
"I guess this means you're not a Wolfram and Hart sleeper agent either."
"Uh, no, I'm not. Where would you get that idea?"
"Other than the whole thing where you worked for them for the past year?" Cordelia replied, her tone accusatory. She'd agreed to come back with him to the Hyperion after he'd found her fighting those vampires, yet she hadn't gotten over the admission he'd made earlier.
At that, Angel looked sheepish. "Well, yeah, I guess there is that." He cleared his throat and moved his arm off of Cordelia, resting his hands in his lap instead. "They didn't have to use any sort of mind control on me, Cordy. I did their bidding under my own free will."
"Were you evil, Angel? This past year, did you…"
"No!" Angel said quickly, cutting her off. "I didn't… I mean, I wasn't…" He stopped, his shoulders slumping. "But I guess it doesn't matter. I played into their hands, and none of it worked out well. Everyone's dead, and the Powers that Be made it pretty damn clear they aren't happy with me."
"How so?" Cordelia asked with a frown.
"Remember that whole 'Shanshu' thing? Turns out it was about Spike." Angel said the name of the other vampire with disgust, but Cordelia could see the pain in his eyes. "The night Wolfram and Hart came down? That was the start of this big, apocalyptic battle I happened to trigger. At the end of it, Spike's heart started beating, and he rode off into the sunrise with Buffy. Last I heard, they were living happily together in Rome."
"Oh, Angel, I'm so sorry," Cordelia replied as she stroked his arm. She stopped abruptly, frowning again. "Wait a minute, I thought that had to be about a vampire with a soul."
"Spike got one. Went out and earned it apparently. Bastard always did have to show me up at everything." Angel shook his head. "That's what bothered me about it the most. Not that it wasn't about me, or that I didn't end up with Buffy, but that he did. And when I realized that, it made me realize some other things, too."
"Like what?" Cordelia prodded gently.
"Like maybe Buffy isn't really the love of my life."
Cordelia's hand dropped. "What? Angel, did you hear what you just said?"
"Yeah, I did." Angel laughed, though the sound managed to not be a happy one. "I got over her, Cordy. I didn't want to admit it for a long time, but I did some thinking after what happened with Wolfram and Hart, and I realized I was using the idea of loving her to keep myself from getting too close to anyone else."
Angel turned and took Cordelia's hands in his. "Do you remember James? The vampire whose girlfriend died, and he couldn't go on?"
Cordelia's face scrunched as she tried to push the memory forward. "I think so. It…it was after Buffy died? You were worried because you didn't fall apart when she died the way James did when he lost Elizabeth."
"Exactly. But Cordy, when I lost you…" Angel dropped one of her hands to reach up and tuck a strand of Cordelia's hair behind her ear. "I didn't go get my heart cut out, but I fell apart. I put on a show every day, but really, I was retreating more and more into myself, growing steadily bitterer towards the world. I thought at the time it was the effect of working for Wolfram and Hart, but now I realize it was because when I lost you, I lost my way. I need you to go on, Cordelia. It was never that way with Buffy. Not for me, and not really for her. I could see that in the way she was with Spike in the end. It pissed me off to think of him with her just because, well, he's Spike and his mere existence in the world pisses me off, but another part of me—a part I would never, ever tell him existed, mind you—was happy for her. I was glad she'd found someone she loves, and annoyance that he may be, he will love her back with everything he is. She deserves that."
Angel paused for a moment, letting the words hang between them. Cordelia's eyes were wide, his declaration that he loved her more than he'd actually loved Buffy something she'd never thought she'd hear—and still wasn't sure she was hearing now.
With a soft smile, Angel cupped Cordelia's cheek, stroking her skin with his thumb. "Do you know what I thought, when I realized you were a Slayer? I thought, 'They got it wrong.'"
Cordelia blinked before she reared back. Despite the fact she was none too happy with the idea of being a Slayer, she didn't appreciate her fitness to be one being called into question either. "Excuse me?"
Quickly, Angel realized Cordelia's misinterpretation of his words. "No, that's not what I meant!" he said. "As far as Slayers go, I'm sure you're going to be a good one."
Cordelia gave a short nod. "Damn skippy."
Unable to help himself, Angel chuckled before he sobered again. "What I did mean was the Powers got it wrong about who I was supposed to be with. Buffy, too. I don't know how prophecies work, really, but maybe all they knew is I was supposed to be with a Slayer and she was supposed to be with a vampire with a soul. So maybe they pushed us together, thinking we were supposed to be that way, only it didn't fit, because we weren't the right pair." Angel turned away from Cordelia and dropped his hands back in his lap. "Maybe I shouldn't even be saying any of this."
"No, I think you should," Cordelia said softly, reaching out to place her hand over his heart. "I like what you're saying."
"I'd like it better if it didn't pretty much ensure that anything between us is doomed to badness," Angel replied.
"Maybe it means the opposite," Cordelia ventured. "Maybe you and Buffy couldn't make it work because they did get it wrong. If we're what's right, then…"
Angel's head snapped up, and he met her eyes, his mouth a grim line. "Are your really willing to take that chance, Cordelia? Are you willing to start a relationship with me knowing what could happen and what I would do if I lost my soul again?"
Cordelia wanted to say yes. She wanted to tell Angel she loved him enough that she was willing to accept whatever limitations being with him entailed. But she also knew she couldn't. If she and Angel finally gave into the feelings between them, Cordelia knew the temptation would be too great, the risk too strong for her to chance. Giving in to what she wanted could cost innocent lives, and that wasn't a price she was willing to pay.
"No, I'm not," she replied. "Angel, I'm sorry, I wish I was, but…"
"Don't be sorry for that, Cordy. If you could, then you wouldn't be the woman I love. You don't have it in you to be selfish like that."
Cordelia smiled slightly. "This coming from a man who knew me in Sunnydale."
Angel laughed. "So you remember what you were like then, huh?"
"Oh yeah," Cordelia replied. "Spoiled brat extraordinaire."
"Can I let you in on a little secret?" Angel asked as he leaned in closer, his eyes sparkling with the lighter tone their conversation had suddenly taken. Cordelia nodded, even as she found herself growing lost in them. "I liked you a little then, too."
"You did?" Cordelia asked with surprise, before she blinked and pulled back, waving her hand dismissively. "Of course you did, buddy. I'm a major hottie, and I always have been."
Angel laughed. "I see none of this has dealt a blow to your self esteem."
"If anything, it's a boost. I mean, if I can have my body hijacked by a hellgod, go into a coma, spend several months in a freezer, and still look this good, well, damn," Cordelia joked.
"You've never been anything less than gorgeous, Cordelia." Angel moved towards her, the mood shifting again. His lips were close to hers, his cool breath tickling her skin, and even though Cordelia knew this wasn't something she should be doing, she couldn't seem to break away from him. If anything, she was moving with him. In all honesty, she'd wanted this man since she was sixteen years old, even if that desire hadn't always been in the forefront of her mind.
What would one kiss really hurt?
"As much as I hate to break the touching moment, I've got an important message for you, Angel."
Angel and Cordelia broke away sharply, turning with surprise towards the woman now standing in the lobby. Angel's back stiffened, his eyes narrowed. "What the hell are you doing here, Lilah?"
"Well, hell is on the right track," Lilah replied. She smiled coldly. "You've finally gained yourself an audience with the Senior Partners, Angel. Oh, and by the way—they have your son."
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