Severus Snape was busy arranging his store cupboards for the next year, making sure he had labelled and weighed every ingredient he owned in case one of the dunderheads attempted to steal from him. As he was transferring various ingredients into their different sections, he picked up a small container of gillyweed. Subconsciously the Potter boy floated to the forefront of his mind, something that Severus had been successfully avoiding for the past week. Whilst he was still exceedingly angry at the boys' foolishness and arrogance, he couldn't stop the small slither of concern that had invaded his mind. In all honesty the boy had become paler, and when Severus had pulled him up he had barely weighed anything. Severus had never paid much attention to the boy, but he was sure he wasn't that thin last year; after all, the boy would have to eat a lot to perform in Quidditch. He pushed the thought away, after all Albus would be watching over him shortly, and the boy would hardly be in danger from his miserable relatives. Perhaps it was just another of his attempts to attention seek, after all the boy had gotten that ridiculous piercing. Snape was sure he'd never been that hormonal during his teenage years. Soon enough he'd find out what was up with the golden boy anyway.
Harry was feeling a mixture of both anticipation and nervousness. A small part of him was looking forward to going back as a changed person; whether he had changed for good or bad he had no idea. He didn't particularly want to be back under the control of Dumbledore, but it wasn't exactly like he had a choice. Anyway, he would at least have vices to get him through it. Harry was feeling slightly nervous as well, however he would probably had been a lot tenser if the weed wasn't having a strong effect on him. He was scared about what people would say about him, if people would notice how thin he was, or somehow work out he was on drugs. He was also worried about what his friends would think of him. He had written Ron and Hermione brief letters to say he wasn't going to Diagon Alley and would see them at King's Cross, and neither of them had replied. Harry wouldn't be able to stand it if they tiptoed around him, avoiding any mention of the Order or Sirius. He wanted to forget as much as possible about what had happened a few months ago, and he didn't need anyone's sympathy. He had gone 15 years without a family; he certainly didn't need people feeling sorry for him now.
Harry had already started packing his trunk, even though he wasn't going back to school for two days. He had gone to visit Malcolm the evening before, where he had given the boy most of his money for more drugs. He certainly hadn't been exaggerating when he said he could help Harry out. As well as a huge container of weed, Malcolm had also given harry a large bag of coke, and some ecstasy which would apparently give him a massive energy boost and make him alert. Shit, Harry had a large stash now. He'd probably looked like such an idiot last night when he was blazed and stumbling back with large bagfuls of drugs in his arms. When he was fucked last night he'd also thought it had been a good idea to stop off at his favourite shop to pick up his more legal supplies. His overactive mind had got a little carried away and he had ended up stealing around 40 packs of cigarettes and quite a few bottles of vodka. Harry reasoned that at least he wouldn't have to worry about running out during the year. He had put all his alcohol and drugs to the bottom of his trunk and covered it with his invisibility cloak, so hopefully he would be able to keep it out of sight until he found a decent place to hide it. He'd also shoved his barely opened textbooks in, as well as his robes and other school things.
Harry was woken early the next morning with the sunrise, as per usual. He liked to sleep with his window open so he could wake early, in order to have time to get himself ready for the day before he had to face his relatives. He slipped on his clothes, feeling slightly put out by being sober, a feeling he had grown to hate. He rapidly rolled up a joint, his nerves feeling slightly more on edge the longer he was sober. Harry enjoyed his morning smoke, being able to get high when it was silent outside and with the sun warm on his face was a brilliant feeling. He'd stop bothering to care if his relatives found out. When he had finished the smoke and chucked the roach outside he hurriedly sprayed himself with deodorant, avoided looking in his cracked wardrobe mirror and made his way downstairs to start on breakfast. He had been trying to avoid his guardians as much as he possibly could, and any interaction he was forced to have with them he made sure his mind had been focused elsewhere. Harry still hadn't forgiven his uncle for the punch he had been given, and refused to speak to him, which he was sure suited Vernon just fine. As his aunt and uncle came in, Harry tried to look as busy as possible. The pot had taken its effect on him by this point, and he had to use a lot of concentration to make sure he didn't drop or burn anything.
His mind was become more and more fuzzy, pushing him further into the numbness he craved. As he became more relaxed, his uncle's voice brought him back into reality.
'What are you staring at boy?' Vernon snapped at him.
'Nothing.' Harry replied, careful to keep his voice steady. His voice sounded far away, and there was a slight buzzing in his ears.
'Look at me when I'm speaking to you! I said you're making your own way to London tomorrow, I'm not wasting any of my petrol on you.' His uncle sneered at him.
Harry had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He had no intention of going with his uncle. 'Yes, that's fine by me.'
His uncle was obviously annoyed that he hadn't got a reaction out of him, so yelled at him to start his chores instead. He slowly stumbled outside, glad to be away from the hostility of his relatives, especially as Harry was starting to get paranoid that they'd pick up on the fact he looked completely stoned. At least it was finally his last day at Privet Drive; he'd grown tired of the monotony. He planned to wake up early tomorrow and take the knight bus over to London again, so he'd have time to relax before he had the gruelling train journey over to Hogwarts. He had no idea how he would be able to cope so long without a cigarette or a joint, especially as he'd have to deal with Ron and Hermione interrogating him about his summer.
The next morning, Harry awoke early, and nervously set about getting himself ready. He had a shower and washed his hair, making sure to gel his hair down to cover his scar. He then dressed in his darkest clothes, pulling the hood over his face to avoid any attention. He really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. He quickly packed the rest of his things, making sure he hadn't left anything incriminating lying around. Harry then grabbed his broom and Hedwig's cage, and as a final thank you to his relatives dragged his trunk down the stairs as loud as possible, before slamming the door shut behind him. He couldn't help but laugh as he heard a faint roar of fury from inside the house, before he made his way up the street into a quiet road. He finished his cigarette and called the Knight bus; glad to see it was practically deserted. They had arrived at King's Cross uneventfully, and Harry realised it wasn't even 10 yet, which gave him plenty of time to relax and calm himself before he had to face being around hundreds of happy families. He had become increasingly nervous as the morning had gone on, and was currently stood outside the back of the station making his way through a pack of cigarettes.
His friends. Having to see Dumbledore again. 2 months of detention with Snape. Reminders of Sirius. Harry was taking deep pulls every time a new anxiety crept to the surface of his brain. Fuck, he wished he could smoke some weed, but he knew it was too risky on the first day back when people would be paying attention to him.
After standing outside the station for 30 minutes, he finally summed up the courage to walk inside. He walked quickly down the platform with his hood still up, avoiding the small number of mainly first year students. Boarding the back of the train, Harry entered the last compartment and tried to calm himself unsuccessfully. He had a ball of nerves in the pit of his stomach, which was accompanied with a strong desire for some sort of drug to be in his system. The platform was becoming more crowded now, and Harry spotted Malfoy striding along with an ugly sneer on his face. Fucking fantastic, the prick was going to have a field day when he saw his drastic new appearance. It was 20 minutes until the train left that he saw Ron and Hermione arrive. He breathed deeply; reminding himself of the excuses he had come up with for his summer. So what he was a little skinnier and had a piercing, he knew his friends wouldn't judge him for it, even though Hermione would probably stress about his weight loss. Harry just prayed they weren't still going to tiptoe around him, acting like he was going to have a mental breakdown any second. It had made their friendship uncomfortable and far too formal at the end of last year, and Harry couldn't stand it if they still were going to treat him like a small child. It wasn't like he hadn't known grief before.
As he heard his friends walk down the train to look for him, he quickly pulled his jumper down to cover his wrists and collarbones and tried to look as relaxed as possible. The compartment door slid open and he looked up into the anxious faces of his two best friends.
'Harry!' Hermione cried, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. He was thankful he'd worn one of his bulkier hoodies; he didn't need her feeling how thin his waist had become.
'It's good to see you again Hermione. Hey, Ron.' Harry gave him what he hoped looked like a genuine smile.
Before Ron had time to reply Hermione had grabbed his face.
'Is that a piercing Harry!? Well it certainly is...different.'
Harry shrugged off her obvious disapproval. 'Yeah maybe, I like it. How are you guys, then?'
'I'm good thanks, how was your summer then?' Ron asked him tentatively.
Harry quickly gave them both a grin as they sat down. 'It was pretty relaxing actually, I managed to study a lot and enjoyed the peace and quiet.' Flashbacks of himself punching his wall and smoking pot every day crossed his mind, but he quickly suppressed the thoughts and zoned back in on the conversation.
'-See Ronald, I told you Harry was studying over the summer.' Hermione was saying to a bored looking Ron.
'Fine, fine. How come you didn't reply to our letters mate? Were you upset about what happened las-'
Ron was cut off by a sharp kick from Hermione and a look that made him shut up instantly. Harry looked outside the window, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest and the lump in his throat.
'Uh I'm sorry Harry, I didn't mean to remind you-'
'It's fine.' Harry cut in quickly. Before they had time to start pitying him he quickly added 'And I don't need either of you feeling sorry for me or tiptoeing round me. I just want to forget about last year.' Except the only way Harry had been able to forget was when he was on drugs. He could hardly tell his friends that though. He was so fucking weak.
As he watched the train pull out of the station he breathed out deeply and leaned back against the seat. At least they were away from all the noise and people, something that set Harry's nerves on edge. As he started staring at the rolling fields and green landscapes he tried to focus on something other than his nicotine cravings. 'You're going to be in school everyday, you need to learn to cope without it,' Harry tried to remind himself. He still couldn't stop his hands from fidgeting; it felt unnatural to not have his hand clasped around a smoke.
'Are you alright Harry?' Hermione asked him, a concerned expression on her face.
'Oh yeah, I'm fine, just looking forward to going back to Hogwarts.' He smiled at her, wincing internally at how bad the lie was.
'So are you going to tell us about the change in appearance then? Also don't take this the wrong way but you seem thinner and you look pretty pale. ' Ron asked him nervously, his eyes roaming Harry's face.
He shrugged again, trying to look as if he wasn't bothered by how obviously different he looked. 'I caught a bug off Dudley, so I didn't feel like eating for a few weeks, and I grew quite a bit so I guess I just look thinner.' Harry had tried to sound confident, and held his breath as he waited to see if his friends bought the lie. He wasn't comfortable with being dishonest, but he was sure they knew that after Sirius's death he hadn't felt like eating.
'Fair enough mate. Just try eat more when we get to school, you need to be in top form for Quidditch this year!' Harry gave him a weak smile. Shit, he'd totally forgotten that he'd be expected to lead the team. Yet another thing he'd have to be sober for.
'Why did you choose to get a lip piercing Harry? Are you sure piercings are allowed at Hogwarts?'
Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes; was he really going to get interrogated the whole way there? 'I liked it Hermione, what's the big deal if I want to change up the way I look a bit? It's not like I've dyed my hair blue or something. And to be honest I don't give a shit if it's against the rules.'
As he expected Hermione did not approve of his choice of language. 'Harry! Don't use such disrespectful language!'
Ron thankfully backed him up. 'Hermione leave him alone, he can swear if he wants to. Good on you mate.'
Harry gave him a grin as Hermione sighed and turned back to her book. As the hours passed he and Ron discussed Quidditch teams, homework, and what all the Weasleys had been doing over the summer. Thankfully the time passed quickly, and talking to Ron took his mind off his cravings. Eventually Neville, Luna and Ginny had joined them, and predictably asked him the same questions. Harry already wasn't looking forward to the feast, but it was going to be unbearable if everyone was going to ask him why his face looked so different and stare at him when they thought he wasn't looking.
By the time they arrived at Hogsmeade, Harry was fed up. His friends had probed him for hours and his head was hurting from the lack of nicotine and he was nervous about being around so many people. At least he had his robe on, which bulked him out. As they got off the train, he quickly pulled his hood up and walked over to the waiting carriages, avoiding Hagrid and the other sixth years that were milling around. Ron and Hermione hurried up to him and clambered in the back of the carriage with him, anxious expressions on his face.
'What was that about? Hagrid wanted to say hi.' Ron frowned at him.
Harry could feel the nerves bubbling up inside him. 'I didn't feel like hanging around okay! Stop questioning me on everything!' He shouted.
Awkward silence ensued in their carriage, and Harry wished more than anything he could get five minutes alone. They drew up to the school and made their way through the front gate with crowds of others students, Harry careful to keep his hood covering his face. When they got inside the castle he quickly ducked behind Ron and Hermione and sat crouched over the table so he wouldn't have to look at Dumbledore. Even being back in the same room as the man was infuriating. He was probably going to give them a speech about how important trust and friendship was, the manipulative liar.
'Harry, Snape's looking at you.' Hermione muttered to him
'He's probably trying to think of ways he can add another month to my detention then.' Harry replied bitterly. He didn't bother to look up from the table.
'You already have detention with the slimy git?' Ron asked him, aghast.
'Yep, two months.' He replied grimly.
Hermione and Ron looked shocked, but before they could ask him anything else Dumbledore had called for silence. It was only after the sorting had finished and Dumbledore had done his speech did Harry look up for the first time. Thankfully people were too busy digging into the feast to be looking at him, and there was loud conversations running through the hall.
'Harry, you haven't put any food on your plate yet' Hermione reminded him pointedly.
'I'm not that hungry, I ate a lot this morning.' He replied quickly. In fact Harry couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten anything, but he was feeling too tense for food.
He allowed his eyes to wander over to the staff table, as he could feel someone's eyes boring into the side of his head. Dumbledore was staring at him, a look of concern on his face. For fucks sake, he had obviously also noticed that Harry looked sick. He watched as the man turned to Snape on his right and muttered something. Harry bent his head down swiftly, not wanting to give the man anything else to say about him. He was still slightly embarrassed that Snape had seen him passed out in the summer. Thankfully the feast finally finished, and there was a rush towards the main entrance. Unfortunately Harry had momentarily forgotten that he was still something that people liked to talk about and hadn't been paying attention to what was going on around him. He could hear whispers and see people pointing at him, with a mix of shocked and disgusted faces all craning to look at him.
'Look at his face! Why's he so pale?'
'I didn't put Potter down as the lip piercing type'
'He looks like he hasn't eaten for months! You can see all his bones'
'He looks like a walking skeleton, I bet it's cos of what went down at the Ministry'
Harry could feel his cheeks reddening as the whispers rushed through the students. As he saw Malfoy start to walk over, he quickly pushed his way through the groups of people hovering around. He was already in a shit mood, and he knew Malfoy would likely mention Sirius, which would result in Harry punching him in the face and ending up in detention with Snape for the rest of the year.
'I'll see you guys later, I'm going to get some fresh air.' Harry muttered to Ron and Hermione.
Fuck this, he needed a fag now. He hurriedly made his way over to the main entrance and was reaching inside his hoodie pocket for his pack when he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder.
'Mr Potter, you seemed to have forgotten the Gryffindor common room is not outside the castle. Was there a reason you were going outside after curfew, especially when you had instructions to go straight to your dormitory?'
Snape pulled the boy around to face him. He had only seen him with his head down during the feast so hadn't been able to get a proper look at him, but in the last couple of weeks the boys' appearance had deteriorated further. He tried not to show his shock, but the boy really did look dreadful with his hollow cheeks and dark circles. Worst of all was the deadened look that occupied his eyes. Lily's eyes. It wasn't something Snape had ever seen before and he never wanted to see it again.
'I just wanted to get some fresh air for a moment Sir.' Harry said tightly, avoiding making eye contact.
'Clearly you are unable to follow simple rules Potter. You would think having detention for the next two months would have deterred you from further infractions, but evidently spoilt children never learn.' Snape said silkily.
Harry had to use all his willpower not to punch the man standing before him; this day was only getting worse for him. He felt his jaw tighten but stayed silent, instead opting to continue staring at the floor.
'As you cannot be trusted, I will be escorting you to your common room myself. Move Potter. Now!' Snape barked at him.
Harry swore quietly under his breath and stomped after the man, practically having to run in order to keep him in sight as Snape strode through the castle. They arrived quickly to the Gryffindor tower and as Harry stepped forward to go inside Snape put an arm out to stop him.
'Your detention starts tomorrow Potter. If I get as much as a inkling that you leave this dormitory before tomorrow morning, you will find yourself having another month of evenings spent with me. Understood?' Snape glowered at him.
'Yes Sir.' Harry muttered, before stepping through the portrait quickly. As the door shut he leant against the wall and sighed deeply. He was already going fucking crazy and he'd only been back for a few hours. He looked around the deserted common room. It was just how he had remembered it, cosy armchairs and sofas placed around the warm fire, the walls lined with portraits. Harry couldn't help wondering where his Dad and Sirius used to sit. There were so many questions he wished he could have asked. Making his way up to his dorm, he found his friends getting ready to go to bed. He flopped back on to his bed and stared up at the ceiling, trying to ignore his friends loudly talking about what they'd done over the summer.
'I didn't have time to ask you earlier Harry, but what are you going to do about Quidditch practice if you're in detention every evening?' Ron asked, coming over to stand at the foot of his bed.
'No idea, I'll talk to Snape or McGonagall.' He replied, wishing everyone would go to bed. He had missed the silence he had grown so used to in Privet Drive. He got up to pull the curtains round his bed, ignoring the looks he was getting from the rest of his roommates. As soon as he heard the other boys settle down into bed he pulled his trunk open, shoving his clothes and books aside until he reached the bottom of the trunk. He yanked the invisibility cloak off; relief washing over him when he saw his stash was still there. Briskly grabbing some weed from the bag as well as some papers and a lighter, he shoved the trunk under his bed and pulled the cloak over himself, tiptoeing frantically through the common room. His urgency and desperation to smoke nearly caused him to trip over the doorway as he stepped into the corridor. He had decided the best place to go was up in the astronomy tower, as it was rare that anyone could be bothered to venture up there at night. As soon as Harry had reached the tower he pulled out a cigarette and had it lit instantly. As he leaned back against one of the pillars with his eyes shut waves of pure relief washed over him and his nerves loosened themselves. He had needed this tonight. With the cigarette still dangling off his lips he started expertly rolling the joint, his hands able to do it without any thought needed. He stubbed out the cigarette and threw it off the tower, before calmly sparking up his joint. The thick smoke filled his throat and mouth and he inhaled the smoke deeply into his lungs, holding it until his brain was clawing at him for oxygen. As the smoke erupted from his mouth and nose he could already feel the weed take effect on his body. His mind instantly relaxed and dropped he shields he'd been holding up all day, and every worry and stress was forgotten as his mind drifted away and his vision blurred. Harry would never get tired of this feeling. He was slightly nervous about smoking in school, but he reassured himself that everyone would have been tired and gone to bed hours ago. Anyway, weed seemed to be the only way he would be able to stay sane in the school; even being near Dumbledore had made his blood boil, the man that had lied to him and used him for 5 years.
He was thankful that he'd sneaked out so many times before, as his stupid stoned self was barely staying upright as he made his way back to bed. He had no idea what time it was but assumed it was pretty late as he'd spent hours staring out across the lake, the stars dancing across his eyes as he'd laughed at nothing. After finally collapsing onto his bed, he groaned when he realised it was 2:30 in the morning. Knowing his luck he probably had double potions tomorrow morning as well, so there was zero chance he could have a quick nap. At least he wouldn't have any nightmares tonight so he would be able to sleep through the night without screaming for Sirius or Cedric.