Ahh I'm back! That November really wore me out and it was really a lot harder than I believed to get back at writing this...
And now it's already so late again.. But I'm still optimistic that I can finish this story in 2014! Especially since the holidays are approaching (Woohooo)
The end he didn't want
It was one of these gray, rainy days, where you just want to stay in bed and not get out. There are people, who somehow manage to get themselves together, stand up and walk outside in the cruel, busy world that waits to bare its fangs at them. And there are people who don't.
Kuroko belonged to the latter group. And this for days now. Or weeks. Maybe months, he didn't remember, had lost all his feeling for time.
He didn't care. There was no reason to get out of bed, there was nothing to walk outside the house for. Every single morning his mother came in, tried desperately to get him to stand up, begged him, sometimes almost cried, but in the end she would call the school and tell them he's still sick.
It's not even a lie. Kuroko didn't feel healthy at all. Maybe he was dying. But the doctor couldn't find anything wrong with him, so maybe he wasn't after all. Whatever it was, he didn't care.
He would just continue lying here, in his warm and comfortable bed, until the day would finally come when he wouldn't wake up again after falling asleep. But for this he had to manage to truly fall into a deep slumber first, a luxury he hadn't experienced for quite a while now.
Every time he fell asleep and the sleep was about to get deep enough, he'd find himself again in nightmares he couldn't take and a moment later he was wide awake, sweaty, heavy breathing and frightened to the bones.
What he dreamed about, he couldn't remember, but he always felt a strange delight and suffering at the same time, when he realized that he was alone in his bed. It was such a weird feeling, so confusing and horrible that it almost drove him mad.
And maybe it had driven him mad after all, since at some point he stopped feeling anything. The nightmares still ripped him from his dreams every night, but at some point they had no effect anymore and Kuroko spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling. He just didn't care.
Thus it occurred, that on this very day, that didn't seem any different from all the other days, something strange happened. Like an animalistic instinct awoken somewhere deep inside him, Kuroko suddenly sensed something approaching him. Danger.
Something told him, that it wasn't save to remain in the bed any longer, that he had to stand up and run away, but he just couldn't. All he could was listening to the voices downstairs, his mother talking to someone, asking someone to try and talk to him and then the footsteps climbing the stairs.
He knew these steps very well and so he wasn't surprised, when the door opened and a certain red-haired guy was standing in his room. He was neither shocked nor frightened nor terrified nor panicking, even though he knew that he should have all these feelings now and worse.
"You really look like shit", Akashi told him, when he approached the bed.
Kuroko didn't answer, he just couldn't move his lips. He just stared at Akashi with his empty eyes, unsure what to feel if he still could feel anything.
"You're not coming to school, you're not going to practice, what do you think you're doing? And did you believe I would let you?", he hissed at him.
"I quit", Kuroko finally brought himself to answer. His throat was sore, but still he managed to say something. "You know that. I won't return."
"I heard so", Akashi didn't brighten up a bit, "but you never told me. So for me you're still a member of our team. And you're letting down your duties."
"I'm done with basketball...", Kuroko answered, not afraid to look into the mad eyes.
"I won't accept this!", Akashi yelled at him and rose his hand.
Kuroko was ready for anything, he didn't give a damn, but what Akashi did surprised him after all. Instead of hitting him, his hand suddenly carefully touched his cheek and slightly caressed it.
"Just what has he done to you...?", the rage in Akashi's voice was gone and he sounded really worried.
He. He didn't even have to say the name, the awareness of who he was talking about was enough to make Kuroko's body shiver and freeze even though he was still lying beneath his blanket.
As if he had been stung by a hornet, he jumped up from the bed and walked past the obviously disturbed Akashi. When had been the last time he had stood on his feet? They were weak and trembling, not used to carrying his weight anymore and about to give in.
But he didn't care, he barely felt the pain, because ignoring the unbearable pain in his breast was asking for his whole attention right now.
He stopped in front of the window and stared outside. Summer was coming, the last year of middle school was almost over and a whole new world built up in front of him. And yet all he saw was black and white wasteland telling him to remain shut up inside his walls, where he was save, rather than going out and risking to be bitten by another cruelty of this ugly world once again.
It seemed to ridiculous, so weird and alien to him, that once, not so long ago, he had enjoyed this world. Had laughed, had run around, had struggled to get further. Had loved.
"Still not decided for a high school?", the voice of his guest ripped him out of his daydreams.
Again he came with a topic, that Kuroko desperately tried to ignore. In the edge of his eye he saw the reason. Akashi had found the sheet of paper on his desk, a sheet from the school about their future plans. Especially about their choice of a high school. Kuroko's was still blank.
His parents kept bothering him about this for ages now, trying to get an answer from him, but it was no use. How was he supposed to decide on a high school? He couldn't even imagine to go to school at all, couldn't imagine that he survived until then. It was a miracle to him, that he survived until tomorrow and this every day.
So why should he choose a high school? This wouldn't get him anywhere.
When he realized, that Kuroko wouldn't answer, he sighed and decided for a monologue then.
"I'm going to Kyoto", he suddenly came up with. "Rakuzan."
Kuroko couldn't quite understand why, but suddenly he felt dizzy. He needed to grasp the window sill, because he feared to fall. It felt like someone just pulled the ground from beneath his feet.
"Come with me."
Akashi was standing right behind him all of a sudden, his breath touched his neck and Kuroko froze once more. What did he just say?
"Come with me to Kyoto, Tetsuya", he repeated his words as if he had heard the question inside Kuroko's head, "let's leave Tokyo behind, just the two of us."
No matter how often he would say it, Kuroko would never understand what he meant. This was too weird, too out of the blue. Too unlike him.
"I can't...", Kuroko started.
But before he could finish his sentence, the hands suddenly wrapped around his hips interrupted him. Akashi still came closer, hugged him from behind and put his lips on his ear and let his breath touch him softly.
He was warm, unusually warm. Or was it, that Kuroko had cooled down that much?
"Forget him. Forget everything. And start over with me."
It just didn't make any sense. Nothing he said, nothing he did. What was happening? And did it really matter? Kuroko didn't have the strength to push him away, couldn't bring himself to answer. He didn't understand, but he made no efforts to change that matter either.
"Are you listening to me?", Akashi got more pushy, impatience rang in his voice. It seemed like he had waited for this moment a long time. "What do you say?"
Kuroko didn't say anything. He didn't know what to answer. He wouldn't go to Kyoto, surely not. He wouldn't continue playing basketball, no matter what happened, no matter what Akashi said. But how to say it so Akashi would understand?
"Why?", it surprised him himself, why he came back with a counter question. There seemed to be something deep deep down inside of him, that still wanted to hear some answers.
"Isn't that obvious?", Akashi asked, slightly amused, but his voice was trembling barely noticeable. He was so close to Kuroko now, that there was no space left between the two of them. "I love you."
The words came from his lips so easily, so naturally, that it sounded like this had been something obvious to everyone for ages now. But it surely wasn't.
Kuroko's sight went black just by the sound of that word, that had torn him apart. That word, that had ruined everything, had taken it all away, and now it came back to him, from the lips of someone he had never imagined to say it. What was going on?
"Are you mocking me?", this was the first explanation that Kuroko could come up with.
"How cruel...", Akashi answered, but the hurtfulness in his voice was only an act, "I'm serious. I always did. But you only ever had eyes for Daiki... Remember. Wasn't it me who first noticed you? Wasn't it me who brought you where you are today? Do you think I did it out of pure charity? Out of a whim? No, I always liked you. You and your incomparable beauty."
To undermine his words, he stroked across Kuroko's white cheek, let his fingers slide over his soft lips. His eyes were glued to them and it was undeniable, that there was something in them. Something undefinable, yet different to all the other expressions that Akashi usually had, and these weren't a lot.
"But with Daiki there, I couldn't ever approach you. Yet now...", now he really was impatient.
He touched Kuroko a bit harsher, but still carefully, and turned him around to look him into his eyes.
"I would never let you fall like he did. So let me catch you. Start anew with me, Tetsuya."
He was begging him. There was no doubt, he was serious. But still it didn't manage to touch Kuroko at all, it didn't even manage to confuse him anymore. The name of the guy, who had crushed him, has been said too often now and it locked him up completely.
"I can't...", Kuroko answered. This was the only truth. Not even if he wanted to, not even if he tried, there was no way he could ever go on after all the things that had happened.
"Akashi-kun... my heart, it stopped beating. I can't explain this, but... I can't feel it anymore. I don't even understand how I can still be alive, but maybe I am not. So don't... don't bother with me."
It was the longest sequence of sentences Kuroko had spoken for one whole week and it surely took him a lot of effort. But he felt like he needed to tell him. Many people disliked Akashi, some even feared him, but Kuroko had never felt anything like this towards him. No, he might even like him. But it surely wasn't love and he knew that he had to tell him this, no matter how much it hurt.
Akashi didn't quite get what he meant as it seemed, but this was just normal. What would you think of someone telling you, that his heart isn't beating anymore?
He put his hands from Kuroko's hips to his breast as if to check if he was talking the truth.
"Of course it is beating, you idiot...", he told him, but it sounded more worried than spiteful.
Maybe it was really beating, but that still didn't change the matter, that Kuroko couldn't feel it anymore. He couldn't feel anything, though.
Without another word, Akashi wrapped his arms around him again and kissed him right on his lips. He closed his eyes and took his time, carefully relinquishing the moment. It seemed like this was something that he had waited for for a long time, but Kuroko didn't feel anything. Not the beating of his heart, not even shock.
Akashi drew back and opened his eyes again, searching carefully for something in Kuroko's eyes. But he didn't seem to have found it.
"No refusing? No response?", Akashi asked confused.
What did he expect? Kuroko pushing him away? Returning the kiss? What should he have done? He waited a while for an answer to his questions, that would never come.
"Seriously? Nothing?", the slight anger in his words couldn't be missed.
Without saying anything more, he grabbed Kuroko and pushed him against the wall. This time he licked with the tip of his tongue across his lips before he forced it inside his mouth. Kuroko let it in, but didn't welcome it. The thoughts and uncertainties inside his mind were dancing so fast, so impossible to grasp, that he couldn't follow them nor hear them. It seemed all white to him and the voices sounded like steady summing of bees. In the end he couldn't react at all, but he finally understood why this was the case.
Still getting no reaction, Akashi drew back again and looked him deep in the eyes. They were cold.
"What is it that you want?", he asked. "Shall I stop or go on?"
Kuroko's answer hurt himself a bit, not thinking about what this would do to Akashi, but more devastated by the fact that it was the truth and this was so pathetic.
"I don't care", he answered, "Do with me whatever you want. I don't care."
He was crushed already. There was nothing Akashi could do to crush him even more. And there was nothing he could do to put him back together.
Akashi's eyes gaped getting this response, it was hard to read whether he liked or hated it.
"You... don't care..?", his voice was trembling.
Not waiting for any answer he grabbed Kuroko once again and this time he threw him back on his bed very harshly. What would he do now after this statement? How far would he go?
"You don't care if I do that?", he asked him when he started to undress him, having his fingers slip beneath Kuroko's clothing, touching the bare skin fondly, but still in a somehow enraged manner.
"You don't care if I do that?!", his voice got louder.
Now he licked across Kuroko's undressed belly, touched him even more. His tongue slipped across his nipples and played around with them a bit. Well, Kuroko really didn't care. He didn't react a bit, even though this had been enough to make him hard and wet earlier. When Aomine did it, that is.
"You really don't care?", Akashi asked once again. Beyond the toneless anger he almost sounded desperate, when his fingers slipped beneath the cloth of Kuroko's pants.
"No", he answered. "If this is what you came here for, then do it."
In the end that was all he was good for. Maybe he just was some sex toy, cursed with a mind of its own. No matter what Aomine had found in him that had made him want to fuck him, no matter what Akashi seemed to have found in him now, he didn't wanted it. But he couldn't get rid of it as it seemed. So all he could do was lying back and accepting his fate.
"This is not...", Akashi started, withdrawing all his fingers from Kuroko's body again.
He bowed over him and looked at him, the dislike of the situation was written all over his face. What was his problem? He could have him, shouldn't he be happy about this?
"...what I wanted...", he finished his sentence in a murmured hiss, so quietly Kuroko could barely understand.
Kuroko didn't understand. He could have what he liked, so how could this not be what he wanted?
"I'll give you some more time. Forget about that guy. Forget about the things he has done to you and return to your old self. I'll be waiting..."
"Isn't this your station...?"
Kuroko flinches like he was just ripped out of a deep slumber, even though he has been awake the whole time. He must have been deep in thought or maybe even daydreaming.
I didn't really pay a lot attention to him, no I avoided looking at him as much as possible. After giving up on him, my mood has been the worst, although I know it was the right decision.
But now it hits me again like a slap in the face. I haven't been at his place once and still I seem to know his station better than he does. God, I can't even put into words how important he is to me. I just hope we can stay friends after this somehow and most importantly play decently.
Our next game will be tomorrow and I have serious worries about it.
Quickly he jumps up, bows slightly and mutters a few words of good-bye to the other teammates in the train before his gaze streaks me and he slips out of the doors.
His eyes were full of pain and sadness, as if he was about to cry. What am I thinking? He just looked the same as always. Who am I, claiming the ability to read the emotions behind his emotionless mimics? In the end, I don't know him at all. I'm just seeing the things I want to see, that's all there is to it.
I sigh and sink deeper in my seat. The others look at me a bit confused, then they snicker and whisper something sounding like "Lover's quarrel". If they knew how right and wrong at the same time they are with this expression. And it depresses me even more.
I stare at my shoes, the train is already about to stop at the next station, until I am the one ripped out of my daydreams by a familiar voice this time.
"Hey, you!", someone says, suddenly standing right in front of me. "Come with me. Now."
At home, Kuroko immediately walks into his room and heads straight for the window. He stares outside, but he doesn't really care for what he sees there. He just feels like he needs to stand here right now, as fragments of the dreams and memories are still running wild in his mind.
He barely remembers that day, back then he has been in a period, where everything has seemed dull and far away to him. But during all this time, where he has lied in his bed and has wanted the world to go away, he has kept this day the clearest in his memories.
Because looking back to it, it has been so confusing and weird, so hard to understand. He couldn't believe, that this had actually happened. He had seen a side of Akashi, he and most likely no one else had ever seen before.
They had never spoken about this afterwards and Kuroko had slowly started believing, that it might had just been a dream.
But now, with the things Aomine has said to him, he sees it in a completely different light. Actually, everything appears totally different to him than he has thought it had been.
As he is still staring outside, where it is already dark, and tries to grasp the whole picture and find the sense behind everything, his mobile suddenly rings with a text message.
He doesn't even have to look at it to know who has written him. And he doesn't have to read to know what he wants from him.
So what does that mean now? That he only has few time left to come up with answers? Or that he doesn't have to think about it anymore, because he would get the answers first hand very soon...?
Yes, Akashi plays a bigger role in this whole thing! Who would have thought that...? Let's look it up in the reviews.
In case there won't be an update before it (which is highly probable): Merry Christmas!