Emotional Cocktail: Resentment and Desperation

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters and write simply for the pleasure of seeing my ideas in some version of concrete.

It's…weird, different – almost abnormal for Jay to wake up in a house where all of the occupants are sleeping. Jacob didn't always sleep well and Renesmee was usually up either working on her own devices or harassing Jacob about something that she'd later put on Jay. Getting up Jay stumbled to the bathroom and once he'd finished felt the need to explore his new surroundings more.

Curiosity killed the cat – thankfully he wasn't a shifter of the feline kind.

The walls were covered with picture frames that spoke of a past Jay can't even begin to imagine; pictures of babies in various clothes and of varying quality. Leah was fairly easy to spot as she was the only female in the Clearwater family and Seth simply because the picture quality wasn't as sharp. It took Jay a minute to point out Jett and Matt, Jett's hair was long, curly and truly a 'jet' black color. He was bright-eyed, a huge happy smile on his round, fat, chubby cheeked face and even as a baby he looked…big. Matt was a lighter complexion then his cousin, a trait possibly from his father, mother or maybe both. His hair was a lighter shade of black but he had the same fat cheeks, bright eyes and huge smile on his face. All of the babies in the pictures were fat and happy.

The pictures progressed telling a brief story of a time long ago that only family and close friends could tell: Leah and Seth on the first day of school…possibly together? Next to it was a picture of Jett and Matt standing side-by-side probably for the same reason. Jett didn't hold his mother's enthusiasm for school but Matt was more then excited. There were the usual pictures through elementary school: missing teeth, adult teeth that looked too big for someone's mouth, bad hair cuts, ruffled clothes, nice clothes, smirks, genuine smiles and even a look of horror? Sue Clearwater's hallway was an ever growing tribute to her children and grandsons.

Jay felt his stomach tighten and his face heat up. There were no photos of him up on the walls of his so-called family. His 'cousins' grew up much too quickly and in order to be fair to everyone, none were put up of him. Photos left room for questions, explanations that eventually led to lies. Not even his parents bothered with pictures. Jay wasn't sure what they did with his class pictures and he never cared to ask – more afraid of what the answer would be.

Moving further down Jay stopped to look at a picture of the 'wolf pack' both past and present. The 'old' pack had a picture of Jacob smiling happily at the camera, Leah standing beside him caught in mid-snarl at something or someone beside her. It took a while but Jay could tell it was Paul because he was the only one who had a shit-eating grin on his face, his hand not wrapped around Rachel's waist as you'd expect upon first glance. The rest were all present: imprints, Elders and all. Emily looked to be pregnant possibly with Levi as a small child was in Sam's arms, face hidden from the camera. The present pack was much smaller, in their numbers, but they had the same sense of pride and joy on their faces. Jett standing in his father's place next to his mother, a look that was all Leah but his eyes – he had Jacob's eyes.

Jay could feel the jealousy welling up inside of him. Honestly, he didn't know who or what he was jealous of. He was jealous of Jett with his friends, family and loving parent. Jealous of Matt, who, even though, shared in the bitterness of having an unfit mother, at least had Seth to watch over him. Leah had the support of everyone around her and despite the years a part still managed to garner Jacob's love and affection with just a sway of her hips. He was jealous of Jacob who had a father who gave a damn and siblings to help guide his steps.

Jay's brooding was interrupted as Sue Clearwater greeted him. Her smile was warm – just as warm as it was last night when she found him in her home. It annoyed him because the smile looked as if she knew some poor secret of his life. That she already knew the Cullens weren't as perfect as they appeared. That they had their shortcomings and he was the outcome.

"You like the pictures?" Sue asked, her smile faltering just a bit, possibly sensing the aggression rolling off of Jay. "I don't recall the Cullens being much for pictures." Sue stated looking at the pack. "I'm sure their…appearances and with the changing clothing styles would mean too many questions would be asked." Jay nodded his head. He had never had anyone understand his situation before. "And I'm guessing that you wouldn't be much different, am I right?" Sue pressed and Jay nodded his head. "Well…that was then and this is now. I'm sure you'll wind up on this wall and a few others in the upcoming year or so."

Sue's words were cryptic but in a nice kind of way. They seemed to feed on Jacob's own words that this was where he belonged.

Breakfast was an interesting affair with Jett and Matt teasing and arguing with one another. Sue didn't mind their quick shoves over the biscuits she had baked and really only found the need to get involved when the two double teamed and started swiping Jay's food. Matt would suddenly shove Jay, earning the younger wolf's attention and when Jay returned back to his food a piece of sausage would be missing and Jett was smirking at him for them to switch roles and start all over again.

Sue had made them all get ready for church which was a foreign concept in and of its self. The Cullens weren't religious, although, Carlisle often told Jay the story of his own vampric birth into the world; the father who was zealot priest of some faith Jay was never interested in knowing. Edward had his bouts of depression where he believed that he lacked a soul and pondered what would come of him if he was to be destroyed. Bella was no more religious and yet seemed to have developed her own form of worship which was everything Edward. Jay's own views on a superior being was chaotic and probably bordered on satanical as Renesmee took every opportunity to remind and inform him that he was a 'demon child', a hell-spawn or male succubus that ate her from the inside out. Personally, if a god did exist, he was a twisted, egotistical tyrant who must enjoy sitting back and watching the world burn.

He had entertained the idea of simply walking away; maybe no one would notice that he was gone but Jett and Matt had quickly cornered him in Matt's room. The two were busy rummaging through drawers and closets trying to find clothes that would fit Jay. Alice was the only one to take any interest in his appearance and he couldn't help but feel…flattered that they did. The sudden attention and positive reinforcement was an addictive drug.

La Push was full of surprises and as Jay soon learned that not everyone had the happy home life as they portrayed in the beginning.

Jay stood out on the front porch trying to adjust to the feel of 'borrowed' clothes. He had never worn anything that was a hand-me-down or didn't still have the price tag on it. Matt's scent, as he was closer to Jay's size not too long ago, was all over the clothes and Sue's fabric softener. The shirt and pants were neatly ironed, by Jett which really surprised Jay, and were somehow thrown off balance by a pair of old boots. Yet, Jay had to admit the whole ensemble worked. Jett and Matt also wore some simply khakis and button-up shirts of varying colors but the mood had changed – Jett's had. He was no longer playful, teasing and dominating. As if with the flick of a switch he'd become sullen, moody and intimidating. Fortunately, Jett seemed to like to brood alone, another Jacob trait, and sat at the other end of the porch glaring hatefully down at the street.

Matt stayed with Jay and explained Sue Clearwater's 'rules': if you spend the night on Saturday, you have to go to church on Sunday. Clean up before she gets inside the house. Never track in mud, etc., etc.

A simply taupe colored sedan pulled up the driveway silencing Matt, who then threw a quick glance at Jett who had stiffened.

"Who's that?" Jay asked curious as a white man stepped out. He had thinning grey hair and his mustache seemed to be keeping up the battle to hold on to his original color. The man had a walk about him that was authoritative and yet cautious, as if he knew he was a lamb amongst the wolves.

"That would be your great grandfather, Charlie Swan." Matt said narrowing his eyes at Jett.

Jay's eyes widened at the brief introduction. He had heard about Charlie Swan from Bella but they were memories of a fading past, an old life that was slowly being forgotten. Jay could see where Bella got her hair color from but that was it – the resemblance stopped there. There was nothing in the man walking up the steps that Jay could see that he had inherited.

"Matt, Jett," Charlie greeted. He had paused in his greeting to Jett, his eyes looking over the boy from head-to-toe before settling on Jay. "And who is this? Another kid change?" Jay didn't know what to say to the man. Did he introduce himself as his great grandson? Did he just jump on the chance to be just another face in the pack? Truth was Jay didn't want to be associated with Charlie Swan and it was nothing personal – it had everything to do with his granddaughter. How could Jay belong in a place that had room for Renesmee and everyone who would support her?

"This is Jay," Matt said just as Jay growled thinking of his dear old mother. "He's…uh, Renesmee's son?" Jay could feel the air electrifying, his feelings rolling off of him in heated waves and somehow seemed to mix or feed off of Jett's own aggression. Neither wolf cared for the man before them and for different reasons – or maybe the same.

"Jay? Renesmee's," Charlie's eyes widened as realization dawned on him. Maybe after years of being around wolves had made him over confident or maybe just the joy of seeing a long lost relative, Jay can't be sure, but he was caught off guard as Charlie walked up to him, smiling and pulled him into a tight embrace. It was warm, hopeful, and full of pride and sadness. It was a cocktail of emotions that knocked the aggression out of Jay leaving him bewildered and confused. Charlie's voice was heavy with emotion as he softly whispered, 'my grandson'.

The moment was interrupted as Sue walked outside, her voice calling Charlie's name and drawing him away from Jay. Charlie promised that they'd have a chance to talk more later but for the moment he walked inside with Sue.

"I hate that fuckin' cop," Jett snarled as he stomped towards Jay.

"Well…at least now we know why you're not his favorite person." Matt stated with a dark smirk. It's a jab that Jay recognized immediately but was said playfully. The three of them make quite the trio of unwanted children – at least on varying level.

"Guess he's been afraid that I'd somehow ruin his precious granddaughter's happiness." Jett growled out, eyes focused on their boots. "Well, look at that, your little family keeps getting bigger and bigger." Jay felt his chest constrict at Jett's words, his eyes and tone softening whatever venom or jealousy that otherwise would've been stored there.

The only relief over the awkward and resentful tension that filled the air was Matt's comment, a prayer really, after they arrived outside the small church. "Oh Lord, please forgive the women that are about to sin…when they see me." Sue quickly cuffed her youngest grandson that in turn earned a boisterous laugh from Jett. Jay wasn't sure if Matt did it for that sole purpose or if it was Matt being Matt. However, it worked and Jay learned that Sue wasn't beneath cuffing any of her 'boys' in the back of the head.

Jay was relieved when 'church' was over and he was away from Charlie Swan, Sue Clearwater and the other gawkers and busybodies. He could feel their questioning stares, feel their judgment under his skin and taste their curiosity. Those who either grew up with or watched Jacob Black grow up knew about Jett but it seemed that word traveled fast in La Push. His name seemed to be on everyone's lips.

Shirts were shed the moment they were in the cover of trees and it was a new and freeing sensation. Jay always wore a shirt even when he knew he was going to phase. He knows it had always been because he felt self-conscious walking alongside Jacob, his body tight with broad shoulders, bulging muscles, defined abs while he was…lanky, lithe almost. Jett shared Jacob's build but Matt was closer to Jay's build. He was muscular but in a more compact form.

The boys didn't phase but instead walked through the woods. Jett and Matt knew the forest like their own homes and pointed which worn trails led where and how patrols were handled. Embry had appeared, seemingly, out of nowhere barking at them to keep it down and playfully shoved Jett and Matt before continuing on his way. Embry seemed fairly indifferent to Jay.

La Push was a veritable melting pot of emotions; ingredients thrown in that either make the dish spicy, cold or just right. There were no further discussion of the animosity between Charlie Swan and Jett Clearwater; it's an unspoken rule that Jay understood and most importantly respected. Secrets had a price and Jett had, unwittingly, been paying the price. It may have been selfish of him but Jay liked the secrets that have haunted La Push, it seemed to put him on equal footing with Jett and Matt Clearwater and the rest of the pack.

The two brothers froze for a moment once a two story home in view – its Jett's home. The scent of Jacob was in the air and with it came a sense of trepidation. Jay found himself unsure of his own emotions, feelings about Jacob invading Jett and Leah's territory – their personal space. Were they his' emotions or Jett's? His heart started to race and he felt lightheaded. Would Leah and Jacob be making out? Arguing? Would Jacob be touching her like he did yesterday?

"Quit it," Jett growled angrily, his hands forming giant fists. His chin had only lowered but his eyes had flitted to Jay for a moment before returning to the house. "You're making me nervous."

Before Jay could even formulate a question about Jett's response, the older boy was already off, stomping towards his house, ready to hurt and possibly kill the man who was his sire. Jay felt the need to warn Jett, at least tell him to quiet down, not seethe so hard and audibly, not allow his boots to echo like a siren alerting the occupants of his presence. If they were doing anything he wouldn't approve of he was buying them time to right themselves.

Jett almost took the screen door off its hinges with his anger but somehow managed to walk inside. Jay wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed to find Jacob and Leah in the kitchen, a table between them and both looking at the door. It didn't take long for Leah to close the gap between her and Jett, wrapping him into a hug that he quickly returned. Jay looked away, slightly embarrassed at the exchange; another personal and private moment that he felt as if he was intruding on.

Jay wasn't quite sure what Leah smelled like but Jett relaxed in her hug, his nose burrowing into her shoulder as he hummed, glad she smelled like she should. Jacob stood in the background, looking on and playing the role of the envious stranger same as Jay. Jay felt his jaw tighten as he and Jacob locked gazes. Jacob's looked sad and uncertain; almost as if a part of him wanted to be as affectionate but unsure how.

"Now why did you run off?" Leah's voice cut through the mixed emotions like a knife. Her tone was authoritative, commanded respect and obedience. Jay almost felt the need to answer her question himself.

"You – you stood up for him." Jett snarled, glaring at Jacob over Leah's shoulder.

"Stood up?" Leah looked back at Jacob, a small frown on her face that soon turned into a light chuckle. "Jett what were you thinking about in that moment?"

"Beating his ass," Jett answered without missing a beat. He held Leah possessively.

"Were you in control?" Jett stiffened a bit at the question before shaking his head 'no'. "Of course not, I've told you before that you cannot lose control." Leah stated drawing Jett's attention. "That's why I stopped you. You understand that right? You know that I would never pick a man over you."

Jay found the rug in the living room interesting at Leah's motherly vow, a promise that was true in every sense of the word. Jett was Leah's number one priority – it stung. Jay's hands balled into fists as Jett threw salt in the wound with a soft, 'I know, Mom, I know'. He could feel Leah's proud smile, hear the whisper of clothes as mother and son hugged again. He didn't know what maternal love looked like and he didn't want to see it.

"Now, Jacob is your father," Leah said getting down to business. The frown of annoyance brought Jay's attention back. "And…he wants to get to know you." As if knowing that Jett's mother cared for him while his own loathed the sight of him wasn't bad enough, it felt as if he'd been hit by a train to hear Leah admit that Jacob wanted to know Jett.

What the hell does he know about me?

Jett seemed hesitant but gave in to the announcement. Maybe it was curiosity or…or some sense of confidence that allowed Jett to agree. Why would Jett be worried about being around the man who was his father? Chances were he'd fall in love with him just like the rest of the town. The only ones who seemed immune to Jett's charm were those of the Swan bloodline. Then again, Jay had fallen for Jett's charm and wanted to be like him – he wanted to be him.

"So I have to run some errands. So I'll leave you all to talk." Leah said sidestepping Jett. She had stopped and with emphasis on 'talk' fixed Jacob and Jett with pointed looks, as if they would be the cause of any problems. No one agreed but she accepted their quick glances as acceptance to her rule.

Leah stopped next to Jay on her way out the door, her smile sad and apologetic. It was an expression he didn't know what to make of, what she was trying to convey in her hazel eyes. His eyes widened slightly – it was the first time he had actually looked her in the eyes. As quickly as she stopped, she continued on.

Jay watched Leah walk out the door, the sound of keys jingling somewhere on her person. He wanted to follow her, ask if he could go with her, plead with her that she not leave him alone to witness the strong bond that would form once they realized what they had in common or would. Instead, Jay was cemented to the floor, his eyes looking after Leah, silently imploring her to turn around and save him – to love him. She did look back but instead of beckoning him to come on, she waved and drove off. He'd like to believe that she was waving at him, that the sad smile she had was regret for leaving him behind but it was probably for the son she loved and the man that used to be her lover.

"Can…can you both sit down, please?" Jacob asked after clearing his throat. His hand was pointed to the couch and Jay watched as Jett sat down, his eyes suspiciously eying Jacob. Jay eventually followed but he couldn't help but mentally berate himself for not speaking up, for not asking for help. Leah wouldn't have made him stay behind had he said something.

"So I know yesterday…was, well yesterday was a clusterfuck," Jacob said with a dry, humorless chuckle. His hand rubbed the back of his neck trying to alleviate the built up tension. "So…Christ, Leah," Jacob growled to himself. "I – I don't know where to begin," Jacob sighed out looking up sadly.

"How about at the beginning," Jett said. His posture hadn't changed. He was untrusting of Jacob and seemed ready to pounce on him at the slightest provocation; thus the reason behind Leah's stern request that they 'talk'. Jacob's eyes widened slightly, his nostrils flared but his expression was unreadable.

Jacob took a deep breath and started at the 'beginning'. He told them both about Bella, Leah, imprinting, Renesmee and Leah again. He loved her. Jacob didn't come out and say it, outright, but Jay could tell in the way he smiled thinking back on some memory that was omitted during his talk. His eyes softened and his shoulders slumped as he talked about when he left, not knowing that Leah was pregnant and Jay wondered if Leah even knew.

"So, what was she – to you? Just some quick fuck on the side until your sweet," Jett didn't finish his sentence as Jacob growled at him.

"No, it was never like that between us." Jacob gritted out.

"You left," Jett accused. The atmosphere was getting tense and Jay didn't like where this conversation was going. Two separate pasts were converging into one. He could feel it, eventually something was going to be said, some unspoken truth that would define or break a relationship.

"I had to."

"Bullshit! You had a choice, there's always a choice." Jett snarled, his eyes narrowed and blinking rapidly. Jay's eyes widened realizing he was fighting back tears.

"It's not,"

"You could've told her your place was here, that her place was here." Jett continued on. Jay felt horrible; he wasn't supposed to be here for this. He wasn't supposed to witness Jett and Jacob breaking down.

"Jett,"

"So don't sit there and tell me you didn't have a choice. You had a choice and you made it. You fucked my mother for however long you could and left her – just like you always intended."

"I didn't want to leave,"

"I guess it was best that you left. Imagine how awkward it would've been for you to have your mistress and bastard child on the side." Jay could feel their emotions building, boiling. It was suffocating and he wondered how Leah could've thought that this was a good idea. Jacob had tried to get a word in but Jett was undeterred in his train of thought. "I can only begin to imagine how fucked up our life would've been had you stayed. I'm glad you left because then Mom didn't have to live with wondering if you every really loved her or if she was just some cheap trick,"

"I love Leah." The words were yelled, growled out in a timbre that brokered no room for argument. Jay's eyes widened and his breathing hitched. This was where the paths juncture occurred – the relationship that was broken was his. Jacob didn't 'used to love' as in past tense but present. He did love Leah Clearwater – still loved her. "I love your mother and I will never let anyone make light of what we had – not even you."

Jett was shocked into silence, his eyes wide and staring at Jacob Black. He looked confused and, for once, looked like the sixteen year old boy that he was.

"Did you every love her?" Jay hardly recognized his own voice but figured it must've been him who spoke as Jacob and Jett turned to look at him, almost surprised to see him there. Fortunately, Jacob spared him the need to repeat himself or to clarify who 'her' was.

"Not – not like I love Leah. I had to love Renesmee." Jacob answered honestly with a heavy sigh. Jay wanted to feel angry, guilty, used and unloved from the acknowledgment but Jett's words played over in his head. This wasn't his fault because imprinting wasn't about kids, breeding strong kids. Jacob and Renesmee brought this upon themselves.

"Look, I'm going to level with both of you. I'm an asshole,"

"Glad we're in agreement." Jett grumbled leaning back into the couch with his arms crossed. Jacob's eyes widened, surprised by his eldest son's bold and disrespectful behavior.

"Jay, I haven't been much of a dad to you. I dropped the ball way too many times." This was new but Jay kept his face impassive. "I turned my back on you and it's because," Whatever Jacob was going to say died on his lips, his brain reacting before his mouth. "It's because I wasn't happy. It's no excuse and it doesn't forgive what I've done. Renesmee has made us both miserable but I still should've been there for you. You were a precious gift – a blessing and I took you for granted. So I'm sorry.

"I don't want you two to think that my apologies will just make everything okay. It won't undo the pain and – and doubt that I've caused. There's a reason why I came back home, why I brought you, Jay. Part of it is Leah," Jay and Jett exchanged glances. Did Jett want Jacob and Leah together? Did Jay? What would that mean for Renesmee? Did he really care? No. Renesmee was spiteful, bitter and vengeful. Surely Jacob had to know that he couldn't just walk away from Renesmee Carlie Cullen.

"The rest is because of you two – the main thing is you two." Jay bit down on the inside of his cheek. This was the most Jacob had said to him in some years. He wanted to have his doubts, misconceptions about what he was being told – take it with a grain of salt.

"All I'm asking if that you both just give me a chance. To some day forgive me because I wronged you both and that is on no one else but me." There was something about Jacob's posture, the way he looked both of his sons in the eyes. This wasn't the stern, cold, powerful Jacob Black sitting before them. This man was broken, weary and desperate.

So desperate and so alone.

A/N: Alright so here goes the next chapter. I had this finished right before I left but than didn't have time to proof it. Honestly, I really didn't do that good of a job on that. So I'm slowly bringing everyone in and Jay is seeing a small sliver that is the dark side of La Push. The world is all cotton candy, rainbows and kung fu fighting bunnies. Which is the latest thing that Mother Nature has brought to my doorstep. There's a chipmunk stealing our tomatoes and rabbits show up in the backyard to have a Jets vs Shark rumble.

Vacation was...well, it was a family vacation. Mom nagged, couples fought, preschoolers wouldn't shut up and I became WAY too close with my teenage niece. I mean...have you ever slept with someone who not only tossed and turned in their sleep but talked?! And sleep walked?! And enjoyed cuddling when they weren't doing the others? Way too much was going on but at least I got to see DC, Atlantic City, Ocean City AND New York City.

So you all know what to do to make my day. Drop me a line, tell me what you think, feel. I mean, I don't know about you guys but...I'm breaking my own heart. I mean Jay, Jett, poor Mattie?! Embry, Leah, Jacob, Sam and Emily are on the rocks (okay, so that doesn't break my heart as much) BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Let me know who else is on your mind because this is a lot and I try to make sure I don't overlook anything but you all are my springboard - how I get feedback on what I'm doing. So help me, help you. *bats eyelashes* =D

Work is still being a bear so it's cutting into my writing time so I'm doing what I can, when I can. The Westeros is still calling me and I'm on book 3. I'm seeing someone and he just scored major brownie points by getting me The Game of Thrones graphic novel AND bought me this delicious chicken parmesan pizza. I may have to try my hand and make it myself.