Chapter Ten: Ode to Sleep
I swear I heard demons yelling, those crazy words they were spelling
They told me I was gone, they told me I was gone
But I'll tell them, why won't you let me go?
Do I threaten all your plans? I'm insignificant
Please tell them you have no plans for me
I will set my soul on fire, what have I become?
~Twenty One Pilots
She came home to an empty house. It was only eleven thirty. Jenna would be at work until later that evening. Nilin would be alone for hours. For a while she just stood by the front door, looking up the stairs, unsure of what to do. Her body still hurt but she felt like she had gained control of it again.
It was just a dull throb that ran through her muscles every time she moved too fast. Her head was fuzzy though. She rubbed her hands over her face a couple times before she finally moved. Dropping her books on the bottom step, her feet took her up the stairs slowly. She reached her room and immediately stripped off her jeans for a pair of sweat pants and threw on an old sweater over her top.
Her bed didn't look appealing, so she banged down the stairs and made a nest on the living room couch. She clicked on some daytime talk show, only partially paying any attention to it.
Alone time was good for most people and a lot of the time she loved it. At the moment, though, it was probably the worst thing for Nilin. Her thoughts were screaming at her, her head was buzzing and her eyes were stinging. All Nilin wanted was answers, something, anything. Leaning her head back on the cushion, she tucked herself into the corner and cocooned herself in her favorite knitted blanket.
The smells of her home floated around her. The lavender fabric softener they washed everything in, the vanilla candle Jenna always burned and fall air that drifted through the window Nilin had cracked open; they settled around her, clearing her head. She loved her home, she just wished someone was here with her.
That's when the sting of tears hit her eyes. Nilin buried her head into the blanket and let out a scream. The shrill sound was muffled by the blanket. She forced all of the air out of her lungs until she was lightheaded.
It was a scream of frustration, of anger and pure uncertainty. It was a scream that left her throat like sandpaper and caused her chest to burn. Nilin didn't know what else to do. This was the only thing she could do. She didn't have control over anything anymore. It was as if she had been dropped on her ass three months ago and someone's been laughing at her ever since.
All she knew was that she was given something that she didn't understand, or have full control of. Her memory was shit, and she was losing more of it daily. There was a reason all this was happening to her, but she had no idea what. Someone was pulling the strings. Who exactly?
Now, wasn't that the golden question.
She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on top of them. Silent tears ran down her cheeks, darkening the blanket where they fell. Nilin held back the watergates from opening fully, she didn't want to cry anymore. It was something she did too much. She didn't know how long she sat there like that, just staring at the glowing TV screen blankly.
At one point, Nilin's ears picked up on a car pulling into the driveway. She wiped her tear stained cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater and hushed her sniffles to listen. There were two quick knocks on the door, before someone let themselves in. Nilin didn't move, she just waited for whoever it was. Suddenly, Magnolia was plopping down on the couch next to her, plucking the remote out of her hand.
"How'd you know I was here?" Nilin asked, her voice sounding scratchy and dry.
"I just followed the volcano of spewing emotions," Mags said as she flipped through the channels. Nilly eyed her. "I'm just kidding," she admitted. "Shellie called me, freaking out, and told me what had happened."
"She had a right to be," Nilin said. The two girls grew quiet, Mags's long legs stretched out and propped themselves up on the coffee table. "I don't know what's going on with me," Nilly managed to mumble out as she stared at the tattoo intricately etched on Magnolia's calf.
"Yeah, I picked up on that," Mags nodded. "I can't say I'm too skilled in this department. I mean, I've only heard tales about the Otherside; angels and all that include," she explained. "It was like the happy bedtime stories our parents told us after the ones with vampires and monsters."
Nilin huffed a little, she meant for it to sound like a laugh. She loved how Magnolia never grouped vampires in with monsters, even though some should be. It was a respect thing, for all the good lamia she's come across— or that's how Mags explained it. "I nearly killed my teacher," Nilin breathed out, shaking her head.
"We've all had those days," Mags sighed, settling on some survival TV show.
"You don't understand," she said, running her fingers through her hair. "I wasn't there, that wasn't me. I lost control."
She saw Magnolia's jaw lock and she swallowed hard before she could answer.
"Nilin, your emotions are going to kill you if you let them take over," she told her. "You let fear win and you scorched Damon. You allowed rage to over power you and you strangled your teacher," she explained calmly. "Now you're doing it again, just look at your hands."
Nilin's head snapped down. Her hands were glowing. "For the love of—" she shoved them under her armpits.
"Calm down," Magnolia stressed, pivoting on the couch to get a better look at Nilly. "You need to sort your actual emotions from the angel's emotions. Understand?"
Nilin nodded. "Yeah, but how?"
Magnolia muted the television and used her legs to push the coffee table up against it. Then she stood up and grabbed Nilin's arm. They swiftly sat down in the middle of the living room, legs crossed. Sitting across from Magnolia, Nilin laid her hands in between them. They were shaking lightly.
"Close your eyes," Magnolia told her and Nilin listened. "You have to remember who you are. You are not the things you're feeling, that does not make Nilin Gilbert. Who you are is much deeper, those feelings are just electrical currents skimming the surface and keeping you from gaining control." Magnolia spoke evenly and surely. "You need to out circuit them. Remind yourself who you are."
"I am Nilin Gilbert," Nilly said out loud, she repeated that in her head over and over again.
"Good, keep doing what you're doing. It's working," Mags cheered her on. Nilin said it over and over again until she felt light, as if she was floating. For the first time in months Nilin felt as if she was human again. Her heartbeat picked up and her body grew warm as her other senses were dulled to human standards. There was no ache in her muscles, no emotions drowning her brain. She was alive again.
Nothing good ever lasts, though. Something had disturbed her concentration and Nilin went tumbling down from bliss. She was locked back into the civil war within her body. Her eyes opened slowly, she looked at Magnolia. "How'd I do that?" she asked quietly.
Mags shrugged, "An old Servitor trick. It helps us separate ourselves from our powers when they become too overbearing. I thought I'd give it a shot with you. I guess it worked, mind over matter and all that."
"Oh, it worked." Nilin said, leaning back so the couch supported her. "It was weird, I swear, for a moment, I felt normal again."
She felt Magnolia lean back, next to her with a sigh. "Pretty nice, right?" she said as she tilted her head to the side. "This is our life now, Nilin, where feeling normal has become a luxury."
"Pretty sad," Nilin mumbled. There were just so many things wrong and she didn't know how to fix them. It scared her. Nilly had always been the one to fix things.
"Yeah, but it's the hand we were dealt," Magnolia's shoulder brushed up against Nilly's as she shrugged again. "We wouldn't be given it if we couldn't handle it."
"What if I can't handle it," Nilin whispered.
"Well then we'll all go down with you trying," Mags told her. "What happened today was just a massive crack in the glass. You'll get past it, cracks can be repaired," she promised.
"Thanks Mags," she smiled a little, turning her head to look at the older girl. "I know I haven't been easy to deal with and all."
Magnolia let out a chuckle. "Hey, I grew up with Shellie my entire life. Trust me, I can handle you."
Nilin smiled. She nudged Mags with her elbow. "Can I tell you something?" she wondered. The corners of her lips dropping.
"Yeah, of course. Shoot, kid," Mags said, sitting up and looking to Nilin.
Her throat was still dry, when she went to talk the words hurt to come out. Nilly coughed to clear it. "Sometimes I think I still see him," she confessed in a voice that was just above a whisper.
"Who?" Mags asked, sitting up to get a better look at Nilly.
"Christian." Nilin said his name. She didn't move to see the look on Magnolia's face. Here eyes stayed locked on the TV screen. "It's like someone's trying to drive me crazy," she mumbled. "It might be working."
"Do you think it's those things you saw on the Otherside?" Magnolia wondered.
Nilly felt her eyebrows knit together. Confusion sunk into her features as she turned to Mags. "What things?"
Mags smacked a hand to her forehead. "I forgot, you forgot," she said, shaking her head. "When you woke up," Mags started. It was the nicer way of saying came back from being a corpse. "You started going on about these people over there that talked to you. You called them the Guardians."
Nilin shook her head. It was as if she could feel the hole in her memory. "Yeah, nothing. I'm getting nothing."
"Well, my dad used to tell me about them. He was always fascinated by the Otherside. The Otherside is where supernaturals go, the Guardians are supernaturals that kinda statute everything over there. How'd they get there?" Mags shrugged. "No one knows. They're mostly witches, old ones. I knew exactly what you were taking about when you were mumbling away."
"Maybe they're mad at me for leaving." Nilin proposed, rubbing her eyes with her knuckles. She felt uneasy all of a sudden, as if her living room wasn't as safe as she thought. "Maybe they want me to go back."
"Well they're going to have to get through me first," Magnolia told her. "You're not leaving us anytime soon, don't worry."
"We don't know what we're up against, Mags. Who knows what anything on the Otherside is capable of?" Nilly pushed, causing Magnolia to grow troubled.
"Nothing's going to happen to you, Nilin," she swore. "There is no way they can just pluck you from one esoteric field and plop you back down on another without your consent. That's not how it works. They're noble, they live by a code."
"So how'd I get back over here then?" Nilly asked, dropping her hands into her lap. This is all her life was now, question after question. No answers.
Nilin was quiet for a second. Magnolia noticed the way her hands clenched and unclenched. Waves of emotion rolled off Nilin and Mags tried her best to stomach them. "It was bad," Nilin spoke quietly. "It must have been bad, how I died. No one ever really told me. I just know it was Christian's doing, and I saved Elena," she murmured.
"I'm not sure. I wasn't there," Mags felt the need to tell her, though Nilin already knew that part.
"Maybe it's a good thing I can't recall anything." Nilin's eyes began to water.
"I mean, you guys already look at me differently," she said blatantly. "Everyone does. It's like I have 'freak' branded on my forehead."
"Nilin, no we don't," Magnolia tried to deny.
"That first week I came back, no one could look me in the eye. Elena could barely be in the same room as me for more than ten minutes before she broke down and started crying. Damon treated me like a stranger, like the real Nilin actually died in that meadow and I was an imposter." Nilly sat up now, but didn't look at Magnolia. She pulled at the dead ends from the hair that fell in front of her eyes.
"I'll admit it, we were all a little freaked out. No one new exactly what to do," Mags said. "We were scared, even Damon."
"Not much has changed," Nilin continued. "Everyone holds me out by arms length. They don't know how to act or what to say when they're around me. It's like I'm a stranger walking around in someone else's life."
"What are you saying, Nilin?" Magnolia asked.
"I feel like I don't belong here sometimes, Mags," she answered.
Magnolia was silent. Nilin's regret and hopelessness bubbled up in Mags's chest, crushing her lungs. She ran her fingers through her short hair, unsure of what to say next. "Please, don't let anyone else hear you say that," she said softly. "You're needed here Nilly, more than you know. You weren't supposed to die in that meadow back in August and you know it. Don't say that again, ever. I can handle a lot, but knowing that you regret coming back is one thing that I can't." Magnolia told her.
"No, Mags," Nilly said, reaching out. "That's not what I meant."
"Forget it, Nilin," she said, standing up. "It's okay, I'm fine. I should get going though."
Nilin popped up. "Wait, Magnolia."
"I'll drop by later and check up on you," Mags said, starting for the front door. "Get some rest, Nilin, okay?"
"Okay," Nilin nodded, looking down at her bare toes. Magnolia left the house, walking down the drive way to the waiting car. Damon was leaning on the passenger's side door, arms folded over his chest and expression hard.
"I'm gonna take it that you heard all of that," she asked him.
"Yeah," he said slowly. "I heard all that." His eyes on the front door of the Gilbert house as he opened the door for her.
Mags slid into the seat with a sigh. Her door closed and a moment later his opened as he got in. "What do we do now?" He didn't answer her. "Damon?"
"I don't know, Magnolia," he said in a harsh snap. He was gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckled were busting through the skin.
Mags gritted teeth. She hated vampire emotions, they were a hundred times worse. "It's been a long day, if you would," she motioned to the still parked car. Without a word, Damon threw the car in drive and sped down the road. "Thank you, Mags for being my little spy and picking at Nilin's overly stressed brain for me. You really are a great friend," she said in her best Damon Salvatore voice. "Why you're welcome, Damon," she answered herself as they drove down the road.
Damon didn't say anything. Magnolia sighed and closed her eyes. She was starting to get a migraine… she wondered why… "Thank you, Magnolia," he said after a while.
A little smile spread across her face. "You forgot the 'You really are a great friend' part," she told him. He just turned and eyed her. "Too far, okay got it." Mags nodded, before turning back to look out the window. The rest of the car ride was silent.
Author's Notes:
A little bonding between characters is always good for the soul, don't you think? I hope you enjoyed this chapter, like I said after this things pick up. Stay tuned. Thank you all, my fabulous readers. It means so much, keep up with the reviews. I love to read them, even if you're just saying hi. I don't mind.
See you soon,
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