Chapter 10 - Truths
Jane arrived at work the next morning, having hardly slept. She was already at her desk with her head down. He puffed out a breath. He had decided overnight that he was going to tell her how he felt. Tell her everything. Maybe it wasn't the right time and maybe she wouldn't even want him anymore but as he had replayed the kiss the night before in his head he knew there was a chance for him. It hadn't just been him kissing her, she had kissed him back.
As he approached her office Cho blocked his way, his arms crossed in front of him.
'What did you do?' Cho asked, pointing his shoulder at Lisbon's office behind him.
Jane blinked rapidly. 'What? Nothing. Why?' he lied. 'What has she said?'
'Nothing. But she's straightening her desk items. She only does that when you've made a monumental cock up.'
'Oh' Jane smiled.
'I'm serious Jane, if you've done something stupid I need to know. Abbott'll have my ass for this. And Lisbon's too if you've involved her in it.'
Jane rolled his eyes. 'How come when Lisbon's in a bad mood I'm always to blame?' he smiled, pushing past him.
He walked into her office and closed the door, sitting down on the chair opposite her. She hadn't lifted her head and made no attempt to engage him at all.
'Well, this is mature' he said evenly after a moment of silence.
'I told you last night, Jane. We have nothing to talk about' she replied, her eyes staring at the paper in front of her.
He cleared his throat. 'You asked me a question on your wedding day.' He saw her pen hover over the paper but she kept her head down.
'If you recall I never gave you an answer. I'd like to do that now.'
She stopped and looked up at him finally, tapping the pen against her lips. He felt his chest constrict as he tried to read her expression, the magnitude of what he was about to say overwhelming him as he looked into her eyes. It would have been easier if she had kept looking down.
She leaned back in her chair and raised her eyebrows, her expression made of stone.
'Yes. My answer is yes, Teresa.' He exhaled, relieved he finally had the courage to tell her how he felt.
She continued to stare at him, her face still expressionless and he wondered for a second if she heard him.
He decided to make sure. 'Lisbon? Did you hear what I said?'
'Yes' she replied. She moved back in front of the paperwork on her desk and began to complete a form. 'Thanks for telling me. Let me know when you have anything to add on the Marsden case.'
When he had decided on this course of action during his sleepless night before he hadn't thought much of what would happen afterwards. He had pictured scenarios where she would burst into tears and hug him or throw herself at him (although he had quickly discounted those particular notions after no more than a minute in indulging himself in them). He had decided it was more likely that she would be angry at him waiting so long and would demand an explanation. But ambivalence? It had never entered his head and he didn't know what to do about it.
'Teresa? About last night-'
'I've already told you twice, Jane. I don't want to discuss it. Let's just forget about it. Now if there's nothing else I'm busy.'
He was about to press on but at that moment Cho came into the office to discuss a new case with them. He seemed relieved that Lisbon hadn't thrown anything at Jane. Jane wished she had, it was easier to deal with an angry Lisbon than whatever the hell this was. Jane listened half heartedly as the two agents discussed forensics and suspects. As much as he tried he could find nothing on her face to say that she had been affected by his statement.
After a couple of days where Cho had dragged him to Boston to investigate a kidnapping of a socialite he arrived back in D.C. and went straight to her house. They had a standing arrangement where he came to dinner on Wednesday night. When she opened the door she didn't seem surprised.
'Hey, Jane, come in, we're just getting pizza, hope that's okay. I'm not long in from work.' She said the words like she would have a week ago. He was beginning to think he'd lost his mind. Had he imagined the kisses they'd shared and his declaration a few days earlier?
Emma ran up to him and took him out of his thoughts, practically jumping into his arms. 'Jane!'
'Hey honey, good to see you' he grinned, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. 'Ah, I see you had grape juice and a ham sandwich for lunch.'
She nodded enthusiastically, amazed at his mind reading. At least he had one Lisbon (well a half Lisbon) that he could still impress.
'No Annie?' He said, looking around.
'No' Lisbon replied, cutting the pizza. 'She's working late.'
He nodded, sitting on the couch, as Emma began to draw a picture on a piece of paper on the coffee table in front of him. He smiled as he saw blond hair being added to a stick figure of a man. He had a collection of drawings from her on his refrigerator at home.
Lisbon stood beside him, looking over at the drawing and rolling her eyes. It was the first normal behaviour he had noticed from her since they had kissed. He looked at her sideways and chanced a smile.
After dinner he watched as Lisbon cleaned the tomato sauce from Emma's face, both of them laughing as she did so. She had always been a nurturer but it still amazed him sometimes when he saw her behave like a mother, the love in her eyes for her daughter the purest and most undiluted type. He couldn't help compare the scene to Angela and Charlotte, they had that special bond too.
Lisbon looked at him suddenly, somehow detecting his thoughts and threw him a quick smile before getting Emma ready for bed.
'I'll make some tea while you do that' he said, informing her that he wouldn't be going anywhere without a discussion happening between them.
He saw her face flicker between acceptance or whether to stand off against him on the matter. She sighed and shrugged finally. 'Fine' she replied.
A half hour later she came out of Emma's bedroom, closing the door quietly. Jane was sitting on the couch, a teacup in his hand. Lisbon had found three cups and saucers in her cupboards suddenly one afternoon.
She poured a cup for herself and sat down beside him.
'So, you're obviously not going to give up on this. What do you want to talk about, Jane?'
'Us, Lisbon, what else?'
She shrugged, taking a sip of her tea. 'I don't know what you want me to say.'
'Well you could begin by telling me how you feel about what I said.'
She chortled softly. 'I don't think you want brutal honesty on the subject from me, Jane.'
He could see the fire in her eyes, burning slowly. She was getting angry, better that than the nothingness he'd endured for almost a week.
'That's where you're wrong, Teresa.'
She put her cup down and looked at him. 'You sure?'
He nodded.
'Okay then. It doesn't matter to me. You had your chance and you blew it.'
'I don't believe you.'
'That's your prerogative.'
Jane found himself getting worked up. 'Goddamnit Lisbon! Stop acting like a robot!'
She got off the couch and went over the kitchen. She was surprised when she turned around and he was in front of her. He looked like he was ready to kill her. She folded her arms in front of her chest.
He could hardly keep it together. 'And what about the kiss the other night? Are you going to tell me that that didn't matter either?'
'It was a moment of weakness, nothing more.'
He came closer to her, effectively pinning her back to the counter.
'And what about now?' he growled. His eyes flicked to her lips as he came closer. His mouth met hers hungrily, all thoughts of chasteness gone from his mind. She reacted immediately, pulling him towards her in a kiss that made him emit a loud moan. His hands skimmed her breasts as she panted, her body arching into his, her fingers beginning to undo his vest buttons quickly. He pulled her blouse from her jeans and let his hands roam under it to the bare skin beneath. She threw the vest to the ground and began to unbutton his shirt, her lips tasting the bare skin of his chest. He kissed her neck, sucking her pulse point as his thumbs ran over her nipples, hard already under her bra. They breathed heavily, their kisses almost bringing both of them beyond the point where they wouldn't be able to stop.
Somewhere in his mind he told himself to pause before that happened. He had to know what this was before it went any further. He pulled himself away from her, expelling a loud breath. She looked at him, dazed and confused.
He stared at her, blinking to make his mind work. 'What is this to you?' he finally asked.
'What? What do you mean? I'd thought it was obvious.'
'The only thing that's obvious is that you want to have sex with me, Teresa. I'm asking you what it means to you if we do.'
She let out an exasperated sigh. 'Jesus, Jane! Why do you have to overanalyse everything! Why can't sex just be sex?'
He nodded, sighing and began to button his shirt.
'What do you think you're doing?'
He picked up his vest from the floor, putting it back on. 'Going home. I'm not about to be a one night stand for you, Lisbon.'
'You certainly didn't seem to mind a moment ago.'
'That was when I thought it was more than that. I don't want to have sex with you, Teresa. I want to make love with you.'
Lisbon rolled her eyes, buttoning up her blouse. 'Oh, please, where are you from, the 18th Century?'
'I know you're afraid that I'll hurt you. And you're probably also afraid of getting serious with anyone, even if it isn't me. I can't blame you for that. You lost someone that you allowed into your heart. You know I empathise. It's easier to keep people at arm's length. I'm an expert at it, after all. Easier to pretend that something isn't happening when it is. That's how I coped all those years at CBI, telling myself that I thought of you as a sister, mother figure, platonic friend. Anything that would stop me from telling myself the truth of how I felt. That I'd fallen in love with you.'
As Lisbon's eyes widened, Jane walked over and kissed her gently on the cheek. 'You know where I am when you're ready to accept the truth of how you feel, Teresa.'
He lifted his jacket and walked out the door, leaving Lisbon utterly dumbfounded.