Theme 49: Hell

Characters: Light

Genre(s): Humor, Parody

Spoilers: End of the series

Warning: slight crossover with JtHM.

**

Light opened his eyes. For a moment, he wasn't sure where he was or how he'd gotten there, until he recalled the Yellow Box Warehouse and realized with great sadness that he was dead and his plans had all failed.

'I guess this is Mu then,' he thought to himself, 'it certainly doesn't look like I thought it would.'

Indeed, Nothingness was apparently a dirty looking city filled with people walking about doing their own thing. He could barely even distinguish it from the real world. As he walked around a bit, he came upon a rather busy looking store.

"Bagels?" he asked himself as he read the store name.

With a shrug, he decided he might as well check it out. Inside, he examined the selection of bagels and had to admit that they all looked pretty tasty. He order a sesame seed bagel with butter on the side and went to sit down. He could've cried at how good the bagel tasted.

"You know, this place really isn't as bad as I thought it'd be," he said to himself.

"I know what you mean kid," said a very large man at the next table, "this certainly isn't the Hell they teach you in Catholic school."

Light stared, "Wait, did you just say this is Hell?"

"Well yeah," the man said, confused, "where'd you think you were?"

Light didn't answer, but in the end didn't need to as the man suddenly realized he was out of cream cheese and excused himself.

'I'm in Hell,' Light thought to himself, 'well that's unexpected. Still, Hell is a lot nicer than people seem to think.'

"Excuse me," Light heard the man from before say to the cashier, "could I have some more cream cheese?"

"I'm sorry sir," the woman behind the counter said, "we just ran out."

"…what?" the man said, "you ran. Out. OF. CREAM CHEEEESE?!?!?!?!?!"

He fell to his knees with a look of utter despair and torment.

"WHY GOD?! WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!"

Unable to take the pain of having no cream cheese any longer, the man grabbed a nearby fork and jammed it into his eye, slowly bleeding out.

Light stared, wide eyed and gaping, "What the Hell just happened?"

"OH MY GOD!!!" He heard a scream from outside, "THERE'S A RIP IN MY STOCKING!! WHYYYYYYYYY?!""Hey look! The comic book store has a sale on all Jhonen Vasquez comics…THEY ONLY HAVE FILLERBUNNY?!?!?!"

"Oh, there you are, Light."

He whirled around to find himself face to face with an extremely tall…person with huge horns protruding from his skull.

"Who are you?" Light asked, even though part of him already knew.

"I am Satan," the creature said, confirming the former serial killer's thoughts, "I've been looking everywhere for you. You were suppose to go straight to Mu but it looks like they brought you here by mistake."

"Oh," said Light, "so I have to go to Mu now, huh?"

"I'm afraid so," Satan answered.

"You know, this place isn't what I thought it'd be," Light said.

"Yeah, that's what the last guy who came here when he shouldn't have said," Satan said with a nostalgic look, "of course, that guy had issues. Serrrrrrrious issues…although that may have been partially our fault…"

Light looked away, "Uh-huh…say uh, if this is Hell, what's Heaven like?"

"I believe in Heaven people sit in chairs doing nothing for all eternity," Satan answered after a moment of thought, "…also they have head a-spoldy."

Light just stared as voice continued to sound all around them.

"OH MY GOD!! I STEPPED ON A BUG!!!!!""MY BACK IS ITCHYYYYYYYY."

"WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!"

'You know,' Light said to himself, 'Nothingness is sounding pretty good right now.'