Chapter 10: The UnFantastic Eight and Bob
We join the gang, beating up an old man on the ground
Lloyd: Tell us where Hero Mountain is, old man!
Old Man: I...I...think...you want that guy over there...
The old man pointed to his right, where a guy in a cape, mask, and a black robe, stood laughing
Lloyd: Ah, damn!
Lloyd dropped the old man and got up. The man in black, turned to run away
Evil Man: Try and catch me if you can! HAHAHA!
The evil guy turned to run, but fell over a crouton on the ground. The gang killed him.
Lloyd: Well, now! Let's go to Hero Mountain!
Genis: Um, Lloyd?!... You just killed the guy, before he could tell us where Hero Mountain was!
Lloyd: ?...Aw, crap!
Genis: sigh...
Regal: Look at this! There's a map on the window of this shop...It's shows us exactly where to
find the Mountain!
Zelos: Great, now we can get to the mountain, and all become SuperHeroes!
Genis: Oh, really?!...You just want to get there, to see if any chicks live there!
Zelos: Oh, well...that too! Every SuperHero place, has a hot chick walking around somewhere!
Haven't you ever watched cartoons, before?!
Genis: I'm way too busy, fighting monsters, and trying to get into a university, that will serve no
purpose to my future life!
The gang ripped the map off the window, and headed out, in search of Hero Mountain. Jump
ahead 8 hours later, and the gang finally get to the steps of the Mountain. Everyone is exhausted
and tired, but they keep going
Regal: I may have more power in my legs, then my arms, but even I have limits!
Lloyd: We're almost there...only another 5...hundred more steps to go?...ohhhh...
Upon looking up, the staircase of only five steps high, went over a small hill, and then went up
another big hill, that reached up into the sky. They could not see the top, from the ground
Everyone: ...ohhh...
Another 8 hours later, and the gang finally make it to the front door of the castle. Lloyd knocked
on the door. After a few seconds of waiting, a window, up high on the door, opened up and out
popped a man, with a long mustache
Mustache Man: Who goes there?...wait no, it's uh...what business...no...um...what do ya
want?
Lloyd: We have come to see the Great Wizard, who gave us this invitation, stating that we can
become SuperHeroes!
Mustache Man: Ugh...what?!...You can't see the Great Wizard! Nobody has ever seen the
Great Wizard...not even me...well, except for that one time, when I accidentally walked in on
him, when he was taking a shower...ugh...that man seriously needs to shave!
Zelos: Just let us in, you Mario reject! I want to see all the pretty girl Heroines in there!
Mustache Man: There's no girl's in here...we haven't had a woman in here, since '83...and even
then she wasn't that pretty. Have you ever tried staring into a face that resembles a plane
crash?! So, you can't come...huh?!
A poke to the back made the Mustache Man, look behind him, where the gang was standing.
Mustache Man: ...ugh?...How the hell did you get in?!
Zelos: Back door!
Mustache Man: Awwww...well, fine! Come with me, you mischievous kids!
The Mustache Man led the gang through a door, and into a large room
Mustache Man: The master is on the top floor...I hope you don't mind some stairs?
The gang looked up, and saw a staircase of more then a five hundred stairs
Regal: Oh, come on!
Another 8 hours and they finally make it to the top
Sheena: That...was...painful...
Mustache Man: I feel fine
He led them to another large door, and opened it. He led them in, and told them to wait there.
Another 8 hours...just kidding...after only 8 minutes, a big bang made everyone jump. In front of
them, they saw a large can, sitting at the back of the room. When the smoke cleared, the label
on the can, read "Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup"
Big Random Voice: Who dares to ask an audience with the Great Wizard!!!
Lloyd: Um...we, the Tales gang, do! ...? Um...?...are you the Mustache Man from before...cause
your voice sounds very similar to his...and I can see him talking into a microphone, a few feet
away!
The gang looked to their left, to see the Mustache Man, screaming into a microphone, and
spinning a few dials
Big Random Voice: NO! That is not me...or him...or that servant of mine...I am the great
and...buzzz...zzzzz...buzzz...ah, crap, not again...Yo, Jeff?! You said you fixed this damn mike!
Jeff: I though I did!...Hang on...
Coming out of a door, near the giant soup can, came a man, that began walking over to the guy
talking into the mike, trying his best to dodge anybody trying to spot him...even though he was
in plain sight
Big Random Voice: Uh...uh...WAIT A FEW MINUTES...WHILE THE GREAT WIZARD TRIES TO
FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THIS DAMN THING!!!
The gang watch as Jeff, tried and fix the problem. Everyone sighed and looked at each other,
while Jeff, made things worse. Sparks flew, and a small fire now was forming on the control
panel
Lloyd: Um...Mr. Mustache?
Mustache Man: The names, Henry Fiddler!
Lloyd: Ok...Mr. Fiddler...
Mr. Fiddler: Call me, Henry!
Lloyd: Ok...Henry! Why not give it up! Nobody believes that the Great Wizard is real!
Henry: Oh...I am no Wizard!...
Genis: We figured that much out by ourselves!
Presea: Why would you pretend to be a Great Wizard? Are you really a Superhero?
Henry: I am a real SuperHero, yes, but my real name is The Great Mustacheo! My Super Power
is to make my Mustache grow bigger and choke people...How lame is that?!
Regal: Pretty lame!
Henry: ...
Regal: Uh...I mean, all hail, the Great Mustacheo!
Henry: Oh, whatever! Anyway, what do you kids want?
Lloyd: We got your invitation, and want to become SuperHeroes!
Henry: But?...You already are SuperHeroes...you have your own game...I'm playing it right
now...by the way, whoever thought up that damn level, in Rodyle's Ranch, using that stupid ring
to move around that impossible, platform maze, using sound, is a moron! It took me nine tries to
get it right! Everybody looked at Zelos
Zelos: Ok...ok! Maybe it was a little extreme...but I needed something to fill the void in between
the entrance and Rodyle!
Henry: I'm also guessing that the Red, Blue and Green warp area, was your idea too?!
Zelos: cough...cough...
Henry: I thought so...anyhow...come with me, and I shall give you your powers!
The group walked with Henry, and walked into a room, that had a bunch of see-through closets,
with a bunch of costumes in it
Zelos: Oh, boy! I get to wear tights!
Sheena: Oh, god!...That means that you're going to show off your bulging crotch to everyone,
aren't you?!
Zelos: Oh course! Why else would I wear it? Hahaha!
Henry: Ok, now...I shall give you the powers you seek! Lloyd...
Lloyd: Yeah?
Henry: This is your costume...you are now known as: Red Steel!
Lloyd: !!!...Why must my red suit stand out that much?
Henry: Genis...and Presea...
Presea and Genis, smiled at each other
Henry: You two shall be known as: The Midget Kids!
Genis: Midgets...?
Presea: Kids...?
Henry: Sheena...you are the epitome of hotness...so you will be known as: The Naughty Ninja!
Sheena: sigh...I can't believe that I now have an identity, that flaunts my hot body!
Henry: Regal...you are the one who uses only your feet, bound with shackles, that make you
feared...or something like that...you my friend...are: The Shackler!
Regal: Ok...I know my shackles are a punishment, but now I have to make them a symbol of
who I am?
Henry: Colette...that's easy...you are: The Dumb Blonde!
Colette: sigh...
Henry: We now come to Zelos...you are pretty and powerful...you are: The Red Scarlet!
Zelos: How many times do I have to say...I am not a girl...and I'm not gay!
Henry: And finally Raine! You have a nasty temper...and you should harness it! So, I give you
the title of: Sister Pain!
Raine: I like it!...I'm bringing the pain! Yahhhh!
Henry: I now give you, your new identities and team. Together you make the Fantastic
Eight!...Oh, and your extra friend, Kratos...he's known as: Bob!
Kratos: I never said I wanted to be a SuperHero!...Remember? Angel of Cruxis! Bad guy!
Hellooo?!
Henry: Hush up, Bob! Now, go my Heroes and save the day!
Everyone: Yayyy!
The group turned around and ran for the door. They all fell over their capes and hit the ground
Henry(Shaking his head): ...Humanity is doomed!
After the a few hours, the group was away, saving the day. Genis and Presea saved a bunch of
kids from a bully, Lloyd cut up a bunch of bank robbers, Sheena ran for her life from a group of
drunken frat boys, and Kratos...Kratos just hid in the corner
Zelos: I love this!...I don't know why I didn't become a SuperHero, sooner! Come to me, my
beauties! Your lovely Zelos is here, to save the day!
Girls: Oh...my hero!!!
A hoard of girls, began running towards Zelos. They all screamed for joy, and rushed over
Zelos: Oh, yesss!...How great it is to be a beautiful SuperHero...I feel the love!
The girls ran over...and passed by Zelos
Zelos: Huh?...
Zelos looked behind him, to see the girls running like mad, at Kratos, who cowered in the corner,
upon their arrival
Girls: Oh, Bob!!!
Zelos: I can't believe that they like that nobody! I'm so un-loved...
The group finished off their opponents and talked about their experience
Colette: My Superpower is to shoot Nerf balls out of my butt!...That's so lame!
Presea: All I can do, is bite peoples ankles and tackle them...We are so not Super Heroes!
Zelos: The girls seem to like, Mr. I'm-too-good-to-be-a-SuperHero!
Lloyd: My swords are only made of bread!
Genis: My Kendama only shoots out bubbles...
Raine: I thought I would have the power to whoop the asses of people not following my
rules...but apparently, I can't beat people up, just for the heck of it...sucks...
The group got up, and left, leaving Kratos in the corner, with all the girls
Kratos: ...
After the group left, Kratos got up, out of the corner, and walked out into the street
Kratos: ...
Kratos raised his arms, high into the air
Kratos: I don't want to be Bob anymore!!!...I want a real Identity!!!
Back at the Great Wizard's castle, the group complained about their powers
Zelos: What the hell is the point of being a pretty SuperHero, if you can't get the chicks?!
Henry: I am sorry...I am a very bad Wizard...I don't have the energy of a young guy anymore!
My equipment to make other people Super, are all rusty and almost useless!
Genis: I can't fight like the cool guy I am, with my weapon shooting bubbles!...
Genis: You're right...the bubbles suit my weak, dumb self, perfectly!
Henry: I can't help you...I'm sorry...I'm a failure. Just leave me be...
The gang looked at each other, and then left quietly, so Henry could be by himself. After they
left, Henry got up, and walked over to his computer
Henry: Computer!...Show me the image from Satellite 1B7!
The computer did a little blinking, and then displayed the image on the large screen. It showed
Kratos, running in the streets, from the girls
Henry: I now command you, Bob!...Destroy the city!!!
Bzzzz...
Kratos: !!...
Henry: You are my greatest creation! Now destroy all the people of the city...but leave the
Frozen Yogurt Shop intact! They make the best, Cherry Chocolate Blast Yogurt!
Kratos: Understood! Kill Yogurt Shop...Leave People alone!
Henry: No, no, no! I said kill people, save the yogurt!!! Get it right, you numbskull!!!
Kratos: Kill Yogurt people! Kill Yogurt people!
Henry: sigh...I guess this is what you get, when you get contracting from the lowest priced
business, to make your creations for you...sigh...
News Anchor: In news today...A man in purple leotards, is destroying downtown Palmacosta!
Information is limited right now, but from what we can gather, the man goes only by the name
of "Bob"!
Lloyd: That's dad...I mean Kratos! We have to do something!
Sheena: Like what?...We have useless powers...we can't save the planet
Lloyd: We don't need them...we have ExSpheres!
Genis: Lloyd! Don't you remember...we gave our Exspheres away to that Henry guy, to pay for
the powers, and they aren't refundable!
Lloyd: Well, we can't just sit here! Gather your weapons...we'll do the best we can to take him
down!
Sheena: You're right! Let's go kick some Kratos butt...aw, geez! Zelos...do you have to open
your legs so much?...It's like looking at a moldy pile of plums!
Zelos: hehehe...
The gang got up, and headed out, in order to take down the terrible Bob. Upon arriving at the
site, Kratos had taken out most of Palmacosta
Regal: Oh, man! He destroyed the Yogurt shop! That place made the best, Rocky Road Banana!
Lloyd: Ok, guys! Let's roll!
The team jumped up in the air, and charged Kratos
Kratos: Aghhhh!
Lloyd: Take this!...Demon Bread Fang!
Genis: Feel the wrath of my bubbles...oh, god that's lame...Bubble Barrage!
Zelos: Hiya! Feel the pain of my beauty...sigh...Rose Petal Storm!
Sheena: I call upon the Crusty Doughboy of Pasty...come, Pillsbury!
Sheena does her Summoning thing, and brings the pain
PillsBury DoughBoy: Hoho! You want some bread?! Have some Day Olds! Ha!
A shower of bread came raining down on Kratos. Loud thumps could be heard, as the stiff and
hard bread, made contact with their target
Lloyd(And Sheena, in a Unison Attack): You ready?...Pillsbury Fang!
Kratos: Aghhh!! Oww...stop it...you're mean! I'm telling...
Regal: Have a piece of me...Shackle Driver!
Regal punched Kratos, knocking him down
Kratos: Aghhh...not fair! Cheater!!!
Presea: Feel the power of my Rattle...I can't believe that Henry gave me a Rattle, over my
Axe...Rattle Smack!
Kratos: Aghhhh!
S M A S H
Lloyd: We did it...we defeated Bob!
Zelos: There's a line you don't hear, everyday...
Genis(Talking to himself): Maybe if the bubbles were poisonous, they would be more of a
threat...but they're just normal bubbles...
Kratos...or "Bob"...regained consciousness
Kratos: Oh...man...what happened to me?...
Zelos: You, my friend, went on a rampage and destroyed the city! Not cool!
Kratos: ...oh
Lloyd: Let's go home now, Dad!
Kratos: Ok...
The group got up, and headed for home. Kratos looked behind him, to see the destruction he
had made
Kratos: For the protection of this city...I will be Bob...no more!!!
Zelos: There's another line you don't hear everyday...
Genis: I'm glad I don't have to use my bubble Kendama, anymore...that was humiliating!
Zelos: Ohhh, but you will, my sweet, little, bubbly half-elf! You will entertain along side me, as I
perform at children's birthday parties!
Genis: Oh, god, noooo!
A few days later, Genis and Zelos were booked solid for the next 5 months, with parties. The
rest of the group, decided to keep a low profile, with their powers, and only use them for good.
Lloyd used his bread swords to feed the hungry, Colette used her nerf ball technique to play with
adopted animals from shelters, Presea chopped down trees, with her biting ability and helped
make houses for the homeless. Regal...Regal...?...I guess became a cop and helped arrest
people...the guy has no power, sheesh. Raine used her powerful rage to become a WWE
wrestler. She laid the Smack down on multiple guys, including: Kurt Angle and Big Show.
Everyone had used their powers for good, and were happy, now that their land was saved from
evil. Kratos, who had nothing to give, spent most of his time, playing on his Xbox 360. He was
very bored with it, and didn't look amused.
Kratos: sigh...
Kratos sighed, and looked around. He looked out the open window and saw a dog, walking
around the yard, looking for a place to pee. Kratos got an evil look on his face, and looked
around to make sure nobody was looking. He then held out on arm, and pointed his hand at the
dog. As the dog held up it's leg to pee, it whimpered, and blew to pieces. Kratos laughed to
himself, as his eyes glowed red
Lloyd: Hey, dad! Wanna play?
Kratos: ...hehe...sure...!
The two sat down and began to play a game of NHL'07. After a few minutes, Lloyd held up his
head and smelt the air
Lloyd: I've heard of "wet dog"...but do you smell "burning dog"?!
Kratos looked around, trying not to notice
Kratos: ...I don't smell anything...let's keep playing...
The two went on with the game, as the smoldering pile of dog, burned in the yard
Kid: Aghhh!...Buddy! Nooo!!!
A/N: First, I'm not a pet hater, and second, I'm not an evil person that likes to write
stories about dog's blowing up, or cat's getting pushed through wood chippers, or
choking someone to death with a snake...I'm a normal, average joe, that's likes to
write nice, clean stories...this one however, I went a different direction, and I won't
do it again...promise...(hums to self)...well, maybe one more teensy story, involving a
hamster, and a nuclear testing site...but nothing too extreme...after all...I'm not a
monster!!!