When I wake up I am laying in a bed and the pounding in my head is gone, carefully I sit up and test my muscles to see that they are fine if just a little stiff, the wounds on my chest are nearly completely healed with not even a scar left behind. Wait a minute, a bed! I am in an actual bed, with covers and pillows and everything! Oh God am I dreaming again? I know I'm not home, or back in the other world where I grew up or whatever I am supposed to call it now as this is not exactly a memory foam mattress with down pillows and duvets but still it is not the ground and for that I am incredibly grateful. But now to figure out where exactly I am and where the others are and just as I am getting out of bed to investigate a knock on the door makes me startle a little and then a young woman enters carrying a dress with her.
"My lady you are awake how are you feeling?" she asks and I smile shyly at her.
"Better thank you," I answer as she gives me the clothes she has and then waits for me to change before helping me lace up the dress.
"Your companions will be so pleased to see you they have been very worried," she says as she finishes lacing it and I turn to face her.
"How long have I been asleep then?" I ask in confusion,
"Nearly three days," she says quietly and I stifle a gasp of shock,
"How are they? How is Boromir?" I ask and she smiles softly at me.
"Your Guardian has been frantic with worry it has been hard to keep him from sitting with you all hours, and the elf has terrified anyone who has dared to near you door," he says and I laugh a little imagining him arguing with them all.
"Oh," I say quietly when my laughter subsides,
"You must go and meet them now my lady they wish to train with you," she says as she pushes me out of the door steadily and I make my way down the corridor to the hall she has directed me to.
"Arriana you are awake how are you feeling?" Aragorn says beaming at me as I find them in a large hall with their weapons out looking like they have been sparring with one another.
Legolas looks like he wants to speak to me or move towards me but he doesn't. Aragorn on the other hand walks straight to me and embraces me quickly, as does Gimli.
"I'm sorry I worried you," I say after a second,
"We are just glad you are well, you are well aren't you Lass?" Gimli asks and I am aware of them all staring at me, I guess the dwarf must be warming to me then that's good news at least.
"Where is she?" A voice shouts suddenly and I peer around them to see Boromir rushing towards me and looking very healthy which lifts my heart,
"Boro," I call out flinging myself into his arms and feeling suddenly tearful, "I'm so glad you are safe," I whisper as he holds me tightly before pulling away and holding my head between his hands.
"Don't you ever do something like that to me again, I was sick with worry," he says sternly and I flush,
"Sorry," I mutter,
"I mean putting yourself in that danger for my sake it is not worth it,"
"Yes you are, you are worth everything, you're my family now, you said you were, or did you change…" I trail off suddenly nervous that he had decided that I wasn't worth it.
"You are my daughter in all but blood, I have made that bond with you and you can not change it, I never want to see you in that danger again," he says gruffly and I offer him a small smile,
"I'm not sure that can be avoided, I mean I am part of the fellowship and we are in a war," I say quietly and glance up as I hear the others chuckling at Boromir's outraged expression.
"We just want to keep you safe little one," Aragorn states and I smile again.
"I know and thank you, I am so grateful that I have family and friends here now that want to care for me," I say pulling Boromir to me again for another hug and burying my head in his chest as his arms hold me tightly.
"How are you?" he says eventually pulling away again.
"I'm fine," I say smiling, "really," I add as I see a glance exchanged between them, "so what are we doing today?" I ask to change the subject.
"Training, you are to learn to use our weapons if you are to continue with us on our journey, you were left too vulnerable in the mines and at the ruins, we will make sure that you are prepared for future battles," Aragorn says and I nod nervously gulping at the prospect of more fighting and taking the sword he holds out to me, trying not to show how heavy it is and trying not to notice the tension in Boromir's face.
"Have you ever learnt to fight before?" Legolas asks speaking for the first time but still keeping his distance as he watches us.
"No," I admit and wince as I hear Legolas say something in elvish to Aragorn I don't know what he is saying but I know it is about me and he is angry. "I learn quickly though," I add optimistically hoping to dispel some of the tension.
"It would take you years to be even half prepared for what we face," Legolas almost yells and anger flares in me even as I feel my eyes sting and my face flush.
"Well we don't have years so we had better get started," I bite out trying to stop my voice from quivering as I do so.
"You heard her. Besides she is the adopted daughter of the captain of Gondor she will be incredible," Boromir says and I smile at him, silently thanking him for his support.
"She is from another world she has never had to learn to fight, she knows not what we face," Legolas retaliates and I see the men squaring up to one another so I jump between them.
"Be that as it may we have no choice," I say firmly and they eventually back down and I move to stand and face Aragorn.
We train hard all morning, Aragorn does not take it easy on me and whilst I find that I am not completely useless and actually have some skill which seems to relax them slightly as much as it confuses me, maybe it has something to do with Gandalf saying I am apparently half elf, which by the way I have still not even begun to comprehend at all I mean would you? I've gone from being a plain old boring, useless human to some sort of hybrid who is going to live forever! Oh and apparently has some built in sword fighting, ninja ability, alright so maybe I was pushing it a bit with the ninja stuff and the skill I referred to just means I haven't dropped the thing or managed to cut myself with it yet. Anyway I digress, I am getting tired and, dropping my concentration for a second I find myself flying backwards and hitting a wall hard groaning slightly and seeing stars as I slip down it.
"Stop! She is still recovering you are being too hard on her," Legolas suddenly breaks in standing in front of me his own knives out and pointing towards Aragorn who looks almost as confused as I feel until some sort of comprehension about something dawns across his face and he lowers his sword slightly, well I'm glad he seems to know what's going on because I haven't got the foggiest, I feel like I've spent the last few months wandering around in a perpetual state of absolute confusion which occasionally brightens to mild bewilderment.
"She must be prepared melamin," he replies quietly,
"And she will be after a rest and some food and water," Legolas insists already turning and lifting me up holding on to me in a way that made my heart flutter despite the fact that I knew he could never feel anything for me and I desperately try to will my body not to react to his close proximity.
"I'm okay," I insist but he shakes his head his grip on me tightening ever so slightly,
"After food and water, we will practise with a bow and arrow, you are my kin so you should be proficient," he says leading me inside letting go of me so suddenly when people turn towards us that Aragorn has to reach out to balance me and I feel my face flush once more in embarrassment.
"You best watch out my friend I think our elf has a soft spot for your ward," Gimli mutters as I sit beside Boromir and I flush with embarrassment as the Gondorian growls slightly.
"Quiet Gimli," he replies lowly taking a gulp from his tankard,
"You mark my words you said it yourself his eyes are never far from her," he laughs only chortling more when he receives nothing but another growl in reply from Boromir.
That afternoon we train again for hours and Legolas was right I am good with a bow and arrow, thinking about it I should have realised that I would be good at this, I mean when we were fighting in the woods I threw that knife from quite a distance and hit my target, granted not exactly where I had planned to hit my target but I was preoccupied and half dead at the time. Okay not half dead exactly but you get the picture.
The next day we train again and the day after that. A week later and I am still training hard every day and improving everyday but my feelings for Legolas are confusing me. I know I shouldn't be feeling anything but it is getting worse every day, I am falling in love with him and I can't seem to do anything to stop it. the worst thing though is how he is behaving half the time he is overprotective and kind, stepping in, holding me to him for slightly too long when he lifts me from the ground and steadies me, brushing the hair out of my face and cupping my cheek to check for injuries, brushing my fingers with his but then the rest of the time he acts like my touch burns him, that I disgust him and annoy him with my very presence and it is driving me crazy. It's as if since being here, among these people instead of out there travelling all the time our brains… my brain at least, is getting the chance to process things and it is doing a fine job of messing everything up. At least out there I could pretend that I just fancied him a bit because he was good looking and protective but now I have no choice but to admit that I love the stupid elf and I hate him for it. Fine, okay I don't hate him but only because I can't I hate my stupid arse brain for making me realise it though!
I withdraw from them all as these feelings plague me, I know that I am confusing him too and it breaks my heart that I could get him hurt or killed because of something stupid I do. I start to feel that I am doing everything wrong and Aragorn is getting frustrated with my lack of concentration and my decreasing confidence but I can't seem to stop it. At least I have Boromir. He is a constant support always standing beside me. His own injuries have healed nicely and he has spent his days sparring with Gimli and occasionally me and Aragorn too. He does seem to be getting as frustrated by Legolas' behaviour as I am though and I have heard him mutter insults and warnings under his breath directed towards the beautiful elf who undoubtedly has heard them all but to his credit has just ignored them.
Two weeks later and I am just about to loose the plot completely once again I have finished training tired and confused, He started the day as he always does being distant and quiet just staring at me as I fought with Gimli, Boromir and Aragorn before jumping in and stopping them when he decided I was too tired his arms around me pulling me up, his hands and fingers setting my skin on fire and his eyes boring into my soul making my heart beat so bloody fast, too bloody fast which almost caused an all out fight between him and Boromir. I wish we could just leave this place and move on get things back to the way they were before I was in love with him. Have I ever not been in love with him? my brain suddenly asks and the thought is so ridiculous and unanswerable that I growl out loud as I trudge down the corridor.
Getting back to my room I feel mentally and physically exhausted and have just flopped down on my bed when the door opens and a young woman walks in,
"Excuse me my lady but there is to be a feast tonight, we all leave for Helms Deep in two days time and the king wishes to feast tonight I am to get you ready," she says and I groan quietly but let her wash and dress me before she makes me sit as she brushes my long blonde hair and braids it she starts suddenly letting out a tiny gasp and I look at her, "what's wrong?" I ask,
"I'm sorry my lady I just… I didn't realise that you were an elf," she blushes and I notice for the first time my slightly pointed ears, huh I'm sure they never used to look like that.
"Only a little," I smile at her, and looking in the mirror realise why she was startled, I am not really very elf looking, I am not graceful or beautiful, I am still nothing, less than nothing. She soon finishes and leads me to a hall where the men are I am feeling nervous and shy but seeing Legolas makes my heart skip a beat and I automatically feel more relaxed it's a strange feeling but it's as if whenever he is near me a wave of serenity almost washes over me and I can feel it tingling in my bones. I offer him a small smile he doesn't return it however, staring at me briefly his eyes boring into me before turning away from me and talking to Gimli. Despite my best intentions I can feel my heart plummeting and breaking a little. I try my best to not let the hurt show but the sting I feel is apparently all too visible on my face.
"Give him time Arriana, he is just confused," Aragorn says from beside me suddenly and I turn to look at him.
"Because I'm a freak," I sigh in answer and he stares at me for a while,
"Different yes but I'm not sure what a freak is," he says looking confused,
"It means that I'm strange, that no one wants me, that I'm nothing, that I'm less than nothing," I say in explanation almost holding a hand over my own mouth as I realise what my loose tongue has given away, okay so exhaustion is literally my kryptonite it makes me stupid, self pitying, emotional and apparently willing to share all of these things with anyone who will stand still long enough.
"Why would you think those things about yourself?" he asks in bewilderment staring hard at me and I am aware of Legolas staring at me too although he turns away quickly and moves further away from me and I sigh again oh well in for a penny in for a pound I think to so in retrospect I will probably think that it is a terrible idea to keep talking in the morning but right now I'm really tired and really achey from all the practise and really, really struggling with Legolas and all the bloody stupid emotions he is making me feel all the fucking time!
"Look at the way people are looking at me, the woman who did my hair was shocked that I had these…" I break off gesturing to my ears, "and I'm not surprised no wonder Legolas wants nothing to do with me he must be disgusted, how can someone that looks like me, so, so plain and ugly so nothing, so very useless at everything. How could I be of the same race, even a little bit as someone as perfect as him?" he looks like he is about to interrupt me so I plough on all of my old insecurities that come from my life before, the one I had tried to hide from them all as much as possible coming to the forefront and pouring out of me. "But it doesn't matter Aragorn, I came to terms long ago with all of those things besides being beautiful will not help me to help win this war will it? If I was beautiful would it have helped me save Boromir from being injured? Gandalf from falling? I was pathetic and useless in my old life and even if I am still ugly I will not let anyone else I care about die or be hurt so lets forget it," I finish and walk away as quickly as possible leaving him gaping after me.
"There you are I have been looking everywhere for you," Boromir says sitting beside me on the steps outside where I had found myself, I look up at him and offer him a weak smile but I know he is not fooled. "Aragorn told me what you said, he is worried," he says more softly and I sigh as I lean into him slightly resting my head on his shoulder as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. "I on the other hand am furious," he says and I giggle a tiny bit despite my melancholy.
"And why would that be?" I ask quietly,
"It is my job as your guardian to protect you in any way I can and I fear I have failed to protect even your heart," he sighs and we are both silent for a long time before I speak.
"I fear I am in love with a man… an elf that can not, will not love me back," I whisper into his shoulder as I feel the tears welling in my eyes, his sigh is deeper this time, almost a growl as he pulls me closer to him.
"If he does not return your love then he does not deserve it child. You are brave and kind and beautiful and quite frankly if he can't recognise that then I don't want him to hold my daughters heart," I burst into tears at this partly with heartache but mostly because he called me his daughter, I had a father, after all these years one that had actually chosen me. It's difficult to explain the feeling, it's a bit like coming home after years of being adrift. I had spent my entire life being unwanted. At the orphanage, the care home I was brought up in and all the foster parents I was intermittently sent to, I never had a home, my own space, my own things but worse than that I never had anyone. No-one that I knew I could always turn to, someone who would always be there and now here I was in another world moaning about being in love which makes me want to both laugh and throw up internally, how disgustingly teenage angsty and girly, I mean fair enough technically I was still a teenager but still. I look up at him for a minute and relish the feeling of comfort and love I feel when I think about the fact that this man called me his own. That no matter what happens I would have someone who would love me and look after me and keep me safe. It's a pretty amazing feeling actually and coupled with my tiredness makes the tears start pouring afresh, which is irritating its just a good job they haven't invented mascara here yet or I'd be looking distinctly panda like right now.
"I love you dad," I whisper and he immediately pulls away and stares at me,
"What did you call me?" he asks and I feel my face heat up with humiliation,
"I… I called you dad. Is that not okay? I'm sorry if I offended you," I stutter, oh shit have I ruined it again and then suddenly he laughs out loud before pulling me into a bone crushing hug before pulling away again and holding my face in his hands and I am startled to see tears running down his own face.
"I would love it if you would call me that more often," he says softly stroking away my tears with the pad of his thumb, "I love you too sweetheart, and I will go and hunt down this elf for you now and hurt him," he smiles which makes me blanch and grab at his arm.
"Please don't it is not his fault, I would rather we just forget about it," I say quickly and he smiles again.
"Very well but if he hurts you again I will kill him," he says and I smile a little at him this. "Come on it is time for bed," he says eventually and I laugh as he pulls me up and then ushers me to my room.