A/N: Here's the chapter where it's all revealed. Or at least the big part. There's still a hole or two, but this is the big Kahuna or whatever that expression is... Anyway, I hope that the climax is what you were expecting and you aren't disappointed with it. Also, I know there's something wrong about the ending, but I can't pinpoint it. If anyone can, can you tell me? Thanks.
Ashley comes around the corner, dressed for a day out in the sun with her short little khaki shorts, white tank top, flip-flops, and sunglasses. Breathe, Spencer, breathe. I'm finding it kind of hard to do that lately as she seems to have a knack for leaving me breathless. "Ready to show me the incredibly dull town of your upbringing?" She's cheery and upbeat today, which I suppose is for my benefit.
"Do I have to?" I groan. The more I think about it, the less I think that it's a good idea.
"Yes." And that's the end of that as she grabs me by the hand and drags me forcefully out of the house.
Chelsea sees us as she's getting into her car with little Chris, who I have yet to meet. Even Ashley is distracted by his cuteness. "Hey, you two. I was taking Chris out shopping with me. Wanna come?"
"Sorry, we can't," Ashley informs her. "We're on official business today. Spencer here is taking me on a tour of beautiful Harbor Hills. But I'd really like to spend some time with this adorable little guy," she adds to Chris. "What's your name?"
"Chris," he says boldly. "What's yours?"
Ashley laughs. "Right on, little dude. Can I have a high five for that?" She holds up her hand and he slaps it hard. "Nice. I'm Ashley, by the way. I'm your Auntie Spencer's friend."
"Nice to meet you, Ms. Ashley," he tells her politely.
"It's just Ashley to you, buddy," she jokes. "None of that 'Ms.' stuff. I'm not old yet."
"Okay," he says with a shrug.
"Oh, and this is your Auntie Spencer," Ashley adds.
"Hi, Auntie Spencer," Chris greets. "Your friend is cool."
I chuckle. "Glad you think so. But Ashley and I have to leave. We'll see you later?"
"Yeah!" Chris cheers. Me and Ashley both look at Chelsea with smirks on our faces. She just returns them.
We wave good-bye to Chelsea before hopping into Ashley's car. "Where to first?"
I know exactly where I want to go first. We used to hang out there all the time, me and Luke and Elle.
"Burner's."
She gives me a funny look. "Burner's? Sounds like a tattoo parlor or cigar shop or something."
"It's a cafe on Main Street, relax," I laugh. "I was an innocent little girl."
"You're an innocent little woman, too," Ashley mutters.
"I heard that!"
"I know."
We arrive at Burner's and, as usual, it's packed. She parks the car and suddenly it's like I'm glued to the seat. I can't face all these people, all the ones who hated me all those years ago. They hated me for who I am, what they thought I'd done to Elle. Would they recognize me? And if they did, would they kick me out of Harbor Hills? Or would they just beat me to a bloody pulp?
"Spence, we can't accomplish anything if you just sit in the car all day," Ashley tells me lightly. "C'mon. I wanna see where you came from." She unlocks the door to the car and pulls me out. Even as I step out, I don't let go of her hand. Because of the friendship, I tell myself. That's why I'm holding her hand. Holding onto her.
We swing open the doors of Burner's. My heart and head are both racing with adrenaline and memories. I keep my head down so that I don't have to literally face anyone. Ashley's head is moving around, I can tell, and she's looking for something to eat. I already had some Cheerio's with Clay, and that is enough for me and my already upset stomach.
"Oh. My. God! Spencer!" I hear that voice, and I don't run away scared, because I know that voice. I love that voice.
"Hey, Luke." I lift my head and find myself smothered in a big hug, Ashley's hand dropping from mine.
"I cannot believe you're back!" His loud voice is starting to annoy some customers.
"Hey, um, Luke, you wanna take this outside?" I ask him for fear of being recognized by one of the many heads looking at Luke.
"Yeah, sure, sure," he mutters distractedly, scanning the crowd. "Mitch, c'mere."
A guy about our age with light scraggly brown hair and a tray with two coffee cups on them spots Luke and nods. He hurries over and gives me and Ashley a look. "Luke, who're these two fine young ladies?"
Ashley rolls her eyes at him. "I'm gay."
The guy laughs. "Really? Me too." He leans in close to her, jerks his head to Luke, and whispers conspiratorially, "That's my boyfriend."
Ashley decides to humor him. She points to me and says, "See that hottie?"
He whistles jokingly and nods.
"That's not my girlfriend." He laughs and extends his hand.
"I'm Mitch."
"Ashley." She then turns to Luke and says, "There's gotta be some sort of history between you two."
"Yeah, there is, but we talk outside," I tell her, pushing her out the door with Luke and Mitch giving each other strange glances behind us.
We make our way out to the parking lot and then Luke leads us to the small space of grass with a couple of picnic tables spread out on it. We spent lots of time here as kids, and I'm hit with another wave of memories. But this time I don't let them take over. I tell myself to focus on Luke and Mitch and the familiarity of the space. Anything but memories. And Ashley's ass. Which, by the way, I'm not focusing on. It's just something I shouldn't be focusing on, in case I somewhere in the future get the urge to focus on that. I just won't focus on it. I won't.
"I'm Luke." He shakes Ashley's hand. "I'm Spencer's best friend from way back when." He pauses and then chuckles. "That rhymes."
I can see that Ashley thinks he's a little dorky, but fun, anyways. "What are you up to, Luke?"
"Well, there's Mitch," Luke began. "But yeah, same old, same old. I'm at Denison University, focusing on creative writing. I've got about fifty pages of a novel going, so, it's good. All good." He stops and smiles and then seems to remember that he hasn't seen me in four years. "Oh, right!" He turns to Ashley. "You, little Miss Ashley, are a goddess."
Ashley chuckles. "Yeah, I've been getting that lately."
"How'd you get our girl to come back out here?" Luke looks at me like I've done something wrong, which I guess I have.
"I dunno." She faces me and smiles. "I just did." And that's the beauty of it. She just did. I barely had to think about coming back here, as long as she was here with me. Because I do feel safest with her, and I think I always will.
"I'm kinda at a loss here," Mitch pipes up.
"Judging by your face, I'd guess you're always at a loss," Ashley jokes.
"Aren't we just a fun little bitch?" Mitch pokes back.
"Stop it, you two are gonna drive me crazy," Luke gripes.
"But you still love me," Mitch says with big doe eyes.
Luke grumbles something angrily and Mitch goes, "Now put it there." He points to his lips and Luke gives him a grudging kiss. I think that they're absolutely adorable together, and quite the funny pair. I can't help but think how they both remind me of me and Ashley, and that maybe we would be like that as a couple. If we were a couple. Which we never will be.
"Such cute little gay boys," Ashley says. Mitch sticks his tongue out at her.
"It's nice to know that your contempt for each other is mutual," I put in.
"It's also nice to know that Mitch has finally found a worthy sparring partner," Luke adds. "He used to try and do this whole snark thing with me, and needless to say, well, I'm not exactly witty when it comes to... anything."
I laugh, and it feels good. I'm talking to Luke just like old times; we're talking about something stupid and pointless, but that's what I love about him. We can just talk, and it doesn't have to go anywhere. And I suddenly realize how much I've missed him.
"We should all have lunch sometime," Ashley suggests. "I'd love to get to know you some more, Luke. And you..." She gives Mitch a quick once over. "Not so much."
"I'm game, and I'm sure my sulking boyfriend will get over it," Luke tells me. "I'm not sure when we're free, but we'll call you, okay?"
"We're staying at Clay's house. I assume you have that number?" I'm smiling; I can't believe that I'm in Ohio and smiling again. It's not even a bittersweet smile. It's a real smile.
"Yep. But we gotta roll. Some of us have summer jobs, you know," Mitch explains.
"Hey, this is an emotional healing experience for Spencer," Ashley informs him tartly, gripping my shoulders with her hands.
Mitch raises an eyebrow. "And you are?"
"Psychological help. And a machine gun," she adds as an afterthought. "See you later, boys!" She waves to a bemused Luke and a slightly confused Mitch.
"Ashley, can't you at least try to be nice to poor Mitch?" I ask, giggling as we get back in the car.
"Didn't you ever hear the term 'playful banter?'" Ashley jokes back.
I smirk, well, playfully at her. "I thought that was for couples."
"Oh, really? Then why are we doing it right now?" It's not meant to have an answer, I know. It's for me to think about it. The truth is, I know that we act like a couple. We hold hands, we hug all the time, we're both very physical with each other. But something in me won't let me cross that line. That line between us that divides us. And the funny thing is, I drew. I'm still holding the pencil, and I can just flip it over and erase the whole thing. But Ohio is back. I can't cross that line. I can't cross it because of Elle.
It's been three weeks since we listened to that speech. You know perfectly well which one. Elle and I had been cold. She wouldn't kiss me as often, and when she did, it felt like she was holding back. Scared. I'd try to talk about it, but she wouldn't. We'd been hanging out less and less. We'd had one date in those three weeks. She hardly even talked to Luke or James anymore. We all were getting really worried about her, me and Luke and James, that is, but none of us had that much experience with this type of situation. So one day, to save Elle, I made a phone call.
"Hello. This is Kim." Yes, the same Kim who had been verbally attacked in the park that day three weeks ago. The same Kim who had moved in here with her partner Dani just so they could have a better life. Kim worked at the music store on Rider. Elle and I would hang out there sometimes, just to talk to her. She didn't know about us, but I suspected that she had guessed.
"Hi, Kim. It's Spencer." My voice cracked as I said this, and I felt like I needed to cry.
Kim must've sensed it, because she quickly said, "You wanna come over?"
"Yeah." I hung up rudely, and then ran out of the house, down the street to Kim and Dani's house.
The door opened before I even rang the doorbell. At that point, I was too worried to even care who saw me go in. Normally, I would've been scared silly about being seen in their house, but my worry for my girlfriend overcame my fear.
"Spencer, what's the matter? You look like you're going through hell," Kim said sympathetically. "C'mon, let's go over and sit down."
So we sat on the couch, and I was feeling pretty numb at that point. "Kim... I'm gay. And Elle is my girlfriend."
Kim smiled. "I'd have bet on that. So what's wrong?"
I took a deep breath. "Ever since that speech a few weeks back, she's been acting, well... different. She barely even acts like she likes me anymore."
"It was her mom who made that speech, right?"
I nodded. Kim shook her head. "It amazes me how bigoted people can be still. But Elle seems to want acceptance from her mother, and the way she is, she can never get it. She'll never go to a therapist with this, so you have to be that therapist."
I looked down, uncomfortable and full of self-doubt. "I don't know how to do that."
Kim shifted on the couch. "Lucky for you, I had a girlfriend in the same situation as this. Lucky for me, I had my mom to talk to. She didn't care that I was gay. She told me that I just needed to confront my girlfriend and tell her why it's bothering me."
"Did it work?"
Kim shrugged. "For the most part. I told her about it, and then I listed all the good things about being gay that we never have to worry about, like birth control and stuff. She started laughing and then I showed her all these stories about people who have overcome even worse problems, and she got around to accepting herself for it. We stayed together for three years before we broke up, and that was just because we didn't have our old spark. It had nothing to do with us being a lesbian couple." She took a breath and flashed me a sad smile. "Did that help at all?"
For the first time, I thought that I might have a shot at winning Elle back. Winning us back. I made a plan to talk to her about it at the barbecue that night. But I never got the chance.
As I'm thinking about this, it hits me what the problem is. It's not Elle I can't forgive, because over the years, I've seen her side of the story. I get her motives. But what I can't do is accept the fact that it happened. By keeping this to myself, I can pretend it was a bad dream. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. It's what I'm thinking.
So I make a completely rash, split second decision to do something about it. "Ashley?"
"Hmm?" She's not really paying attention to me; she's looking around, taking in the sights of Harbor Hills.
"Turn around and take us home." I'm dead serious, and my tone conveys it.
"Why?" she asks even as she begins a U-turn.
"Because I want to tell you. I want to tell about Elle. I want to tell you about Ohio." She nods and we drive the rest of the way back in silence. My heart is going crazy, and I can tell that hers is too. She keeps shooting glances at me, like she needs me to say something. My throat's tensing up so much, I don't even know if I can. But I told her I would. So I will.
Ashley kills the engine and makes her way to the door. She's there before me, waiting, bouncing on the balls of her feet. I open the house, and a quick sweep tells me that Chelsea and Chris aren't back. Clay's at work, so we don't have to worry about him.
"Let's go to the bedroom," I manage weakly. She squeezes my hand for support, but I don't let her let go. I hold it all the way up the stairs, down the hall, into the room, onto her bed. Our bed.
"Start from the beginning," she whispers, her voice raspy like it gets when she's sad or scared.
I take a deep breath, and I start. I tell her about my family and how close we were, then I tell her about Luke and his coming out. I tell her about me and Elle's first kiss and our first date. I tell her about the Thinking Tree and our moms. I tell her about the speech and our crumbling relationship. I tell about talking to Kim. And then I tell her about the barbecue.
"So that night was our town barbecue. We had one every year on the Fourth of July. It's like a big fair, and everyone comes out and celebrates the holiday. There's fireworks and pie eating contests and a dunk tank, and it's generally really fun. I was planning on talking to Elle about what Kim said- I'd even found the Matthew Shepard story and printed it out for her." I pause and Ashley pulls me closer so that I'm leaning up against her chest. She knows that having her arms around my body calms me down, and she can sense that I need that right now.
"I spotted Elle hanging around at the dunk tank, which was pretty much the most popular at the place. I went up and told her that we needed to talk. She just shook her head. I told her that I'd talked to Kim, and she tried to walk away. I insisted that it was really important, and grabbed her arm to stop her from moving." I try not cry as I reach the next part, but it doesn't work. I can't help but let the tears fall. Ashley holds me tighter and runs her fingers through my hair. I can do this. I can finish. I can get it out.
"And then she screams, 'Get your filthy hands off me, lesbian!'" Ashley gasps audibly at this, but doesn't say anything. She sits there in silence. "I look at her like I don't know what she's talking about, but suddenly all the heads in the place turn and stare. She pulled her hand away and starts going off to me about how I've been trying to date her and kiss her against her will. How awful I am that I have to do this to another person. I didn't do a thing but cry. Her mom heard the whole thing, and came running. She hugged Elle tight, but she slapped me full in the face." At that point, I notice something wet on my head, and realize that it's one of Ashley's tears. She's crying too, even though I know she's trying to be strong for me. But it makes me feel even better that she's crying with me, that she understands my story.
"My mom came and stared at me like she had just learned I was pregnant or a murderer or something awful. She told me to get out and that she didn't want me in her house. I didn't even defend myself against the accusations; I didn't even try to say it had been consensual. Me and Elle just stood there kind of shell-shocked at each other, like she was just realizing what she had done, until Clay came over and took me in his car, saying that if I wanted to be safe, I should leave for the night. He told me that he didn't care if I was gay, and then we drove to a Wal-Mart parking lot about a half hour away where we spent the night." My tears pour down hard as ever. "That's what happened. That's why I hate it here."
"Oh, Spencer," is all she says before kissing me on the top of the head and burying me in her arms. I give myself over to the warm feeling in her, the mixed feelings in me that make me happy for finally getting it out in the open to someone and making it real, and the other feelings that just plain hurt because remembering that still hurt.
I give myself over to her and her comforting words and her soft arms and her gentle touch and her loving eyes, feeling a warm wave wash over me.
Safety.
Tenderness.
Caring.
Innocence.
Those are the feelings I get when I let myself fully allow Ashley in my life.
I finally recognize those feelings for what they are, what they can become.
And for the first time in five years, I allow myself to fall in love with a woman.