Happy Thursday!

How is everybody, good? I hope so, because this chapter is... intense. Seriously, as I cried for most of the time I was writing it, and editing it was a constant game of "which line will make the author burst into tears?" I'm sure you guys are all way stronger than me, though, so you'll be okay!

Um, anything else? Oh, I guess this is relevant: the song I was listening to while writing this was The Southern Sea by Garth Stevenson, which is an incredibly beautiful piece of music and it's soft and soothing. Give it a listen, especially after this.

Okay! Chapter 10!

Kamui woke up the next morning feeling like he'd been beaten up, as if all the pain from the night before was in his muscles and bones rather than his heart. He rolled onto his back and looked over at Yuzuriha, sleeping soundly beside him. He smiled, grateful she'd stayed with him. He rubbed his eyes and got out of bed, then walked into his kitchen to check his phone. Sorata had left it plugged in there after taking it away from him at the bar, insisting it would make things less painful. Kamui picked it up with a shaking hand, but there were no new texts or missed calls. He'd expected this, but it hurt more than he could have imagined. Almost spitefully, he texted Subaru "Hey" before pressing his phone to his chest. Sighing heavily, he looked out of his tiny kitchen window. The city was covered in warm, soft sunlight, and Kamui wondered if the cold snap had finally lifted.

"Kamui?!" Yuzuriha's terrified voice rang out through the apartment.

"I'm in the kitchen!" He called to her. She came sprinting into the room, clutching her chest.

"You almost gave me a heart attack!" She said, furiously, taking deep breaths.

"Sorry!" He exclaimed, and he meant it. He placed his phone guiltily on the counter behind him, and Yuzuriha eyed it knowingly.

"Hear anything yet?" She asked, her voice softening kindly. Kamui shook his head, trying not to look too upset. She groaned sympathetically and squeezed his arm. "It's still super early, don't worry." Kamui nodded. "Speaking of, I need coffee. Do you want to get breakfast or something?" Kamui appreciated her attempt to distract him.

"Sure."

Subaru awoke in his dark bedroom, feeling drained and numb. He rolled over, though he already knew Seishiro wasn't there. He sat up, hugged his knees into his chest and rested his forehead on them. He wondered where Seishiro was, what he was thinking, but then just as quickly realized it didn't matter. He had to leave.

Molten fear surged through Subaru like an eruption. He closed his eyes and breathed, trying to calm down. He'd taken action in coming here and he had accepted the consequences; he would do the same in leaving, even though he hated himself for it. He'd given up his life, his job and his family, so sure it had been worth it, and now he'd be crawling back, begging for forgiveness.

Or was he? He didn't have to go back to Tokyo, at least not right away, before he was ready… but where would he go instead? What would he do? All of the unknowns in his future seemed to fall in upon him at once, and, unable to stand it, he sprang out of bed. He needed to wash and dress, at least to make himself feel slightly better. He paused on the way to the bathroom, staring at his coat where he'd left it on the back of the bedroom door. He reached into one of the pockets and pulled out his phone. Nothing from Seishiro, but- Subaru closed his eyes, willing himself not to start crying.

He replied to Kamui's text, "Hey… how are you?"

Kamui and Yuzuriha got bagels and coffee from a shop on Avenue A, then sat down on a scratched and graffitied bench in Tompkins Square Park to eat them. Kamui had watched this park evolve from essentially an open-air homeless shelter to a place where he and Kotori had played as children. However, it hadn't quite finished the transition: crust punks argued loudly in a far lawn as young couples pushed $1200 strollers towards the playground.

And there Kamui was, where his whole life had happened, sitting with his dear friend by day and selling drugs by night, admitting feelings for the guy he liked and fucking everything up. Enter, Kamui Shirou! Playing himself and hating it.

He drank more of his coffee and listened to Yuzuriha talk. She was trying to sound cheerful, and Kamui found her steady stream of words soothing, though he wondered if she still felt guilty. After a few minutes, he heard his phone ring, but the number wasn't one he recognized. "Hello?" He said, uncertainly, and Yuzuriha turned sharply to watch.

"Kamui? It's Fuuma." Kamui's breath caught in his chest.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I need to see you." Kamui closed his eyes, swallowing. He'd been intending on skipping his time with Fuuma today; he could go without selling for a week, but…

"I can be at your place in an hour."

"Good." The call ended.

"Who are you going to see?" Yuzuriha asked, sounding slightly concerned. Kamui sighed heavily, debating how to answer.

"The guy I liked before." Yuzuriha rubbed his back, groaning sympathetically. Another few minutes passed in silence.

"You have a message," Yuzuriha said, very quietly. Kamui looked down at his phone and almost cried out in disbelieving relief at Subaru's name. Yuzuriha smiled encouragingly and Kamui replied to the message at once.

"I'm just happy to hear from you! I guess we should talk?" The response came almost instantly.

"I need to figure some stuff out first, but I'll be in touch later. Please take care of yourself"

"You too!" Kamui held his phone in both hands and closed his eyes, his breath shaky.

"What's going on?" Yuzuriha asked, softly eager. Kamui swallowed.

"I'm not sure, he says he'll text me later, but at least we're on speaking terms."

"That's something!" Kamui nodded, returning her smile. It was all he could do. He was feeling too much at once to peel apart separate emotions.

They finished their breakfast and Kamui walked Yuzuriha back to her dorm under Union Square. "Be careful, okay?" She said, hugging him tightly.

"I will, don't worry about me." She laughed sadly and withdrew, smiling at him.

"Text me later? Please?"

"I will." She gave him one last hug and hurried into her dorm, waving at him over her shoulder. Kamui put on his headphones and proceeded west, wondering what catastrophic thing had happened to make Fuuma actually call him. He supposed he should be worried; Fuuma only reached out to him for serious shit, but he didn't have the energy. It felt like all his pain and sadness had wrapped around him, shielding him from thinking of anything else as well as from the warm sun overhead. He noticed a text from Sorata as he changed the song he was listening to.

"Hey man how's things?"

"Things are okay, not sure what's up yet but I'll keep you posted" He appreciated Sorata's concern more than he could say.

"Missy says she loves you" Kamui's eyes burned. How did he still have more tears to cry?

"I love you guys too. Talk to you soon" He gripped his phone tightly, acutely aware of how lucky he was to have such compassionate, supportive friends. Friends who were always there for him, friends he'd been lying to and keeping at a distance for years. His throat constricted painfully and he walked faster, turning up his music. In spite of himself, he thought of Subaru, for whom kindness and empathy came so naturally, but was totally not used to having it reciprocated. Kamui knew he shouldn't send him another text, knew he had to wait, but he was so afraid of losing him he couldn't stand it.

He arrived outside Fuuma's building and pressed his buzzer. Immediately he was let upstairs, and he noticed vaguely that he didn't feel at all excited or even curious. His worry and sadness had also frozen his insides, trapping all other emotions under a thick sheet of ice. Kamui took the elevator up to Fuuma's apartment, hurriedly stowing his headphones in his bag. Fuuma stood behind his counter with no shirt on, leaning over his laptop. He looked up, and Kamui knew immediately something was very wrong. "Come in," Fuuma said, imperiously. Kamui obeyed, dropping his bag and going to stand beside him. Fuuma closed his laptop and turned to Kamui. "Things are not good right now." Kamui's eyes widened, but he said nothing. There was no pull, no sexy smile, no power. Fuuma's composure was absolute as always, but it was cold, lifeless.

"What happened?" Kamui asked, very quietly. Fuuma stared down at him, and Kamui held his gaze.

"You know Kanoe?"

"Yes," Kamui replied, though he only knew the name.

"She's been arrested." Kamui's eyes widened further as he tried to remember everything he'd heard about this person.

"She… She thought there was an informant working for her or something, right?" He asked, slowly. Fuuma smiled.

"Sharp as ever." Kamui smiled back with tight lips. The complement tapped hopefully on the thick ice surrounding his heart, but couldn't penetrate it. Fuuma's words doing nothing was bizarre, and he wondered if he could sense it. "Turns out she was right. It was one of her bouncers who busted her."

"Oh fuck…" Kamui's heart began to race. He'd always known this could happen, that he could have his life totally destroyed at any moment, but he wasn't as afraid as he might have been, wrapped up in his worries about Subaru. In any case, he'd always been able to compartmentalize.

"Really," Fuuma replied, folding his arms in front of his chest.

"What are we going to do?" Kamui asked, trying to keep his tone businesslike. Fuuma sighed.

"What I do isn't your problem. What you should do," he said, very seriously, "is wait." Kamui said nothing. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you were never high up enough on my chain to be of any use to the law."

"That's fine with me," Kamui replied, before he could stop himself. Fuuma smiled and gently cupped the side of his face.

"I wanted to make you my protégé, but I knew you were only half in it." Fuuma's touch only registered dimly to Kamui, and he smiled sadly.

"I was in it for you, I didn't give a shit about the money," he said, truthfully. They looked at each other, and memories of the night they met seemed to rise between them.

Kamui had been working his old restaurant gig, and Fuuma had come in with a young man dressed in white, with light hair and sad eyes. They were Kamui's last table, but the young man had left early after receiving a phone call. Kamui had felt Fuuma's eyes on him all night, his enigmatic presence, his pull, though he had no idea what to do about it. His emotions and mind had been insane in the last two months. He'd gone to get their check and found he'd been tipped with three $100 bills. "I can't accept this, it's way too much!" Kamui hissed under his breath.

"That's not my problem," Fuuma replied. Kamui flushed. "What time are you done here?"

"Um, I get off in an hour…"

"Come out with me, I don't mind waiting."

"I did try to protect you," Fuuma said, his hand still cupping Kamui's face. Kamui snorted softly. He'd always felt Fuuma had saved him from himself, from the downward spiral he'd been on since his mother had died. Even if it was just seduction through power and promises, it had given him direction.

When Kamui had left work, exhausted and feet aching, he found Fuuma outside waiting for him, smoking. "Get in," he said, indicating the car next to him. Kamui stared at him incredulously.

"You think I'm fucking stupid?" He asked, sharply. Fuuma laughed and put out his cigarette.

"Of course not, we're just going across the street." He nodded at a small venue, illuminated by soft, blue lights.

"Don't test me," Kamui told him, coldly. He wasn't scared of anyone, who did this guy think he was? Fuuma bowed his head.

"I'm sorry, that was disrespectful."

"Yeah the fuck it was." Again, Kamui could feel his pull, but stood his ground.

"Come have one drink, after that I'll leave you alone, I swear." Kamui knew if he said yes there was no way in hell it would just be one drink. However, he also knew the last thing he wanted to do was go back to his apartment so full of his mother but where she was so conspicuously absent. He craved oblivion, and if this hot guy was buying it for him…

"Fine." Fuuma smiled. They'd gone across the street and immediately been let in. It was a small, dark place, and Fuuma led Kamui to a table in the way back, secluded from the rest of the main floor. Everything was lit with soft, blue and white lights, and music echoed from speakers on every wall. They sat down, and immediately a group of men in suits and attractive women in tight dresses swarmed the table. Fuuma talked to them all, enigmatic smile firm upon his face, and Kamui felt distinctly out of place, wishing all these people would go the fuck away. A young woman approached their table, holding a tray of champagne and flutes. She opened the bottle and poured the glasses before leaving everything and disappearing. Kamui seized one and drank deeply from it, trying not to think.

At last, Fuuma managed to shake everyone off and picked up a glass of champagne. "So, Kamui," he said, and Kamui shivered slightly. "What do you do?"

"You saw," Kamui replied, irritably, drinking deeply from his glass. Fuuma laughed.

"I mean besides that. Are you in school?" Kamui snorted.

"Why are you asking me all this?" He didn't care about being rude. He didn't care about anything. What was the point? Everything could be taken away from you after one conversation with your mother, or one phone call from a hospital in a foreign country. People you loved could vanish off the face of the Earth like there were no consequences, like your pain was for nothing. Fuuma just watched him, waiting. Kamui drained his glass and Fuuma refilled it. "I was in school, but I had to drop out."

"Why's that?" Kamui held his glass tightly as he kept drinking.

"My mother died, and-" his voice broke and Fuuma made a sympathetic noise in his throat.

"I'm so sorry…" Kamui shook his head, trying to collect himself.

"Thanks."

"So you had to leave school to work?" Kamui nodded, his mind beginning to cloud and his body starting to relax. "What did you study?"

"It doesn't matter, I always hated school." Fuuma laughed.

"I'm the same way. I got a degree in business, never used it for anything legit." Kamui looked up at him, at last feeling curious.

"What do you do?" Fuuma's lip curled.

"I sell drugs."

"So, we're not going to see each other for a while, are we?" Kamui asked, slowly. Finally, Fuuma took his hand away.

"I'll contact you when I think we're okay." Kamui felt the beginnings of something in his chest under the frozen sadness. The impending loss burned his throat and spread downwards. "Relax, I haven't been arrested yet," Fuuma said, smiling his charismatic smile.

"Yeah, well, you're freaking me out," Kamui told him, crossly. Fuuma leaned forward and kissed him. Kamui expected to feel that familiar longing for him, but all he felt was fear of the unknown, his future once again completely uncertain. Again, his mind went to Subaru, the person he really wanted to kiss, and Fuuma withdrew, a knowing look on his face.

"So no break up sex?" He asked, a teasing note in his voice. No threat, no displeasure, but Kamui couldn't look him in the face as he replied,

"No." Fuuma sighed heavily and reached for his cigarettes.

"Do you want the rest of my weed? I don't care what you do with it as long as it's out of my house." Kamui rolled his eyes. Back to business as always.

"Sure." Fuuma loaded Kamui up and said goodbye to him at the elevator. Kamui felt the closure, even as Fuuma assured him he'd contact him the second everything had calmed down.

"You put in good work for me," Fuuma said.

"Thank you." They stared at each other, quiet, waiting. Kamui extended his hand, and Fuuma shook it, smirking.

"Take care of yourself, Kamui."

"You too." The elevator arrived and Kamui stepped into it, just as he'd done countless times before. The doors closed, and Kamui watched Fuuma vanish behind them, his composure absolute. The loss began to tug at Kamui's heart, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as watching Subaru run away through the bar the night before. It was a soft, nostalgic pain.

Kamui put on his music, remembering the rest of his and Fuuma's first night together as he stepped out into the warm sunlight. Fuuma had kissed him softly at their table, and they'd held hands on the walk back to his apartment. The second they were in Fuuma's kitchen, he'd shoved Kamui up against the wall, kissing him with a ferocity, a need. Kamui had given in immediately and gladly, and it had been the best sex of his life. They'd gone for hours, and Fuuma could satisfy him as he'd never been before, it was… there were no words. When they were both finally completely spent, they'd sat together in Fuuma's living room in front of the huge windows, watching the sunrise. Kamui was wearing one of Fuuma's t-shirts and had bite marks and scratches all over his neck, shoulders and chest.

"So… do you want to start work?" Kamui looked into Fuuma's eyes, eyes that had bored into his as he'd fucked him into oblivion, made him scream and beg for more.

"Yes…" Kamui said, unable to stop himself. Fuuma smiled and kissed him.

"You can keep that shirt, if you want."

Kamui blinked furiously. He swallowed and pressed his hand to his face, finding it streaked with tears. When had he started crying? And why? This didn't hurt, it had to happen, it was for the best! And yet… Kamui rubbed his eyes with his fists, crying softly the entire walk home.

Subaru spent the next few hours on the couch, waiting for Seishiro to come back so they could talk. He had thought of maybe packing, or doing something proactive about… about leaving, but even thinking about it made him feel sick. He stared up at the ceiling with his headphones on, feeling stuck even though he'd made his choice. He wanted to text Kamui, at least to feel less alone, but resisted: he'd be the first person he contacted after speaking to Seishiro, regardless of how the conversation went. Subaru's heart was pumping and his palms were sweaty, but he was keeping his mind calm, waiting and listening.

At last, he heard the door open and sat up. His hands shook as he took off his headphones and placed them next to him on the couch. Seishiro came slowly down the hall, eyeing Subaru but not speaking. Subaru swallowed, gathering his courage. "Seishiro? Can we talk?" He asked, very quietly. Seishiro tilted his head to the side, his expression dispassionate, and Subaru felt the familiar ripple of fear in his chest.

"We can." He sat down next to Subaru. No fear, no apprehension, just cold judgment. "What?" Subaru closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry, and began.

"I, I don't think this is going to work."

"What isn't going to work?" Subaru took a deep breath in.

"Us, being together."

"Oh? Why not?" Seishiro's expression darkened and his lip was already curling, but Subaru wouldn't let himself be intimidated. He was angry with Seishiro, he was dissatisfied, and he would express it.

"Because I'm not happy," he said, bluntly. Seishiro raised his eyebrows, but didn't respond. "All we do is argue, and I feel like I can't do anything right." Seishiro made an incredulous noise, and Subaru actually raised his voice, the words pouring out of his mouth in a vicious cascade. "I've been trying so hard to make this work, but I get nothing in return! You're angry with me all the time, for things I don't even remember doing, but you never say you are!" He took several deep breaths before continuing. "I feel so used. Like I could be anyone, and you wouldn't care." His throat constricted painfully around the words. Seishiro's eyes narrowed behind his glasses.

"How long have you felt this way?" There was no concern, no sadness. It was just a request for information. Subaru sighed hopelessly.

"Too long, and nothing's changed."

"You never told me any of this," Seishiro said dismissively, and anger flashed in Subaru's chest again.

"All those fights we had and I didn't tell you?! I told you, you just didn't listen!" Seishiro moved a fraction of an inch closer to Subaru, and he felt a spasm of fear, heart pounding and eyes wide.

"No, you didn't listen," Seishiro told him, his voice lowering dangerously. "I told you from the start how this would be, it's not my fault you had different expectations and were disappointed." Subaru glared back at Seishiro, fury and indignation overriding his fear.

"No! This is exactly what I mean! Everything is always my fault! You just string me along and expect me to follow you and do what you want, then you get angry at me for asking for more! If you loved me you'd fight for me, but you couldn't care less! I'm done! I never should have come here with you!" His voice broke, but he wouldn't cry, even as saying all of this was like taking a knife to his very soul. Seishiro made a small, contemptuous noise and stood up. Subaru watched him, body suddenly alive with fear.

"Fine, leave if you want to leave," Seishiro said, softly. His tone was casual, but Subaru felt his blood turn to ice as they locked eyes with each other. "I never asked you to come here," he continued. He reached for Subaru's headphones and picked them up. Subaru made a small, fearful noise of protest in his throat. "You chose to follow me." The snapping noise cracked through the air like a breaking bone, and Seishiro dropped the pieces of the headphones, still connected by a sad, tiny wire, back onto the couch. Subaru kept his eyes on Seishiro. His expression was one of utter, cold contempt. "Get out. Come back for the rest of your things when I'm not here." He turned and walked towards the bedroom, pausing to rip one of Subaru's wards off the door, then slammed it shut.

A full minute passed in ringing silence.

Subaru's lip trembled as he picked up the pieces of his headphones and held them to his chest. Tears came before he could stop them, but he knew what he had to do. He gathered his bag full of his onmyo supplies and added his laptop, keys and wallet. He put his headphones in as well, very carefully, as though tucking them in. Still crying openly, he picked up his phone and called Kamui, praying he would answer.

"Hello?" Subaru made sure one last time he had everything, then hurried down the hall.

"Kamui? Um, I know this is out of nowhere, but," his voice shook and he took a deep breath in, trying to control his crying.

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Do you need help?!" Subaru felt the last question right in his chest and couldn't stifle his small sob. "Subaru! Where are you? I'll come get you!" Subaru stepped into his shoes, gasping.

"No! No it's fine! Can I just come over?"

"Yes! Are you sure you don't need me to come get you?"

"Yes! I'll be there soon!" Subaru ended the call and wrenched the door open. Without looking back, he ran towards the elevators, out of the building, away from Seishiro.

Kamui clutched his phone, Subaru's call still sending waves of panic crashing through him. What had happened? Had his boyfriend done something to him? Had he been hurt? The unknowable questions churned Kamui's brain and he kept taking deep breaths, trying to remain calm. He paced back and forth across his apartment, unable to sit still, listening with all his might for the sound of his buzzer. Every creak of the floor under his feet, every cry from the street below, every rustle of the wind in the trees was magnified in his agitation and fear. Back and forth Kamui paced, his knuckles white around his cellphone. The seconds dragged by, tightening his heartstrings. Then, finally, he heard his buzzer. He let Subaru upstairs at once, then stood on his threshold holding the door open.

Subaru appeared at the top of the stairs, and he looked terrible. His eyes were swollen and his face was red, tear stained and anguished. "Oh my god, what-" but Subaru fell forward into Kamui's arms, grabbing him and holding him so tightly it felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "Subaru!" Kamui gasped, terrified at what he was about to find out. "Inside, come on," he said, weakly but coaxingly, pulling Subaru over the threshold. Subaru took a deep, shuddering breath and let go of Kamui.

"Sorry," he choked, rubbing his eyes. Kamui shut the door, took Subaru's hand and guided him to the living room.

"It's okay!" Subaru sank onto the couch and Kamui sprinted into his bedroom to retrieve the box of tissues from his bedside table. "What happened?!" He demanded, sitting down beside Subaru, feeling as though his heart might burst with fear. Subaru wiped his eyes with one of the tissues and took several deep breaths, gasping and shivering. Kamui rubbed his back, trying his hardest to be patient.

"We split up," Subaru said, finally, in a hurt and brittle voice.

"Oh, fuck…" Kamui breathed softly, feeling Subaru's pain in his chest. Subaru nodded, looking down, tears falling into his lap. "I'm so sorry," Kamui said, wrapping his arms tight around him. Subaru held onto Kamui like his life depended on it. His very breath seemed to hurt; each inhale ripped the wound in his heart open as his exhales fought to sew it shut. "I'm so sorry," Kamui said again, his voice constricted. Subaru sighed heavily, drawing comfort from Kamui's embrace, from being in his warm, safe apartment.

"It's, it's what I wanted, so," he began, but dissolved into more tears.

"Oh god," Kamui whispered, hating this. Subaru was in terrible pain and all he could do was be a witness. "What happened?" He asked, pulling away. Subaru closed his eyes for a second before straightening up and reaching for his bag. He carefully took out his broken headphones and placed them on the coffee table. "What…?"

"He told me he never wanted me to come here, that I just followed him!" Kamui's eyes widened. He felt both disgusted by the words and fearful of Subaru's raised voice.

"When you ended it?" Subaru covered his face with his hands and told Kamui everything. "He never cared, he just kept me around to screw with my head, and I fell for it, like-" his voice broke and he fell forward onto his knees, crying without restraint.

Kamui rubbed his back, hating to see this, hating to think how much pain and suffering this person had caused Subaru, the most loving and compassionate person he'd ever met. He hated his ex. Hated him as he'd hated those people who'd crashed into Saya and Kotori, or the person who had detonated the bomb in his mother's hotel. Kamui closed his eyes, feeling like he might burst into tears himself. Finally, all he could think of to say was, "We could probably fix your headphones with superglue." It was the only thing he could even begin to think of a solution to.

Subaru looked up at him, tears pouring down his face. It didn't seem like much, but at that moment it was everything, and he couldn't even begin to express it. He started to cry again in earnest, and Kamui could tell there was no getting another sensible word out of him. He stood up, shaking Subaru's shoulder very gently. "Come lie down," he said, and Subaru nodded. Kamui took his hand, pulled him to his feet and led him to his bedroom.

Subaru crawled into bed and pulled all the covers tight around him. Immediately, he felt calmer, warm in Kamui's bed, surrounded by soft pillows and blankets. "Better?" Kamui asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He tenderly brushed Subaru's hair off his face, and he closed his eyes at his touch.

"I'm sorry about all this," he said, his voice muffled by the pillows. Kamui tried to smile reassuringly.

"Don't worry about it," he said, taking Subaru's hand again. "Try and rest, okay?" Subaru squeezed Kamui's hand and closed his eyes, exhaling sharply. Kamui let out a deep, slow sigh, sifting through all the memories and new information. He felt horrified, repulsed, at what Subaru had told him, and was deeply thankful that he'd gotten out before anything worse could have happened.

However, now they were both in terrible places. Kamui had, essentially, lost his job, and if someone turned him in he'd be totally screwed. He couldn't think of anyone who would, but it was a terrifying possibility. And Fuuma… what would happen to Fuuma? Subaru's grip on his hand slackened; he must have fallen asleep, but Kamui held on tightly, staring down at him. His soft, beautiful face, swollen and blotchy from his tears.

It absolutely destroyed Kamui to think of anyone causing Subaru pain, of making him cry. Kamui couldn't imagine ever wanting to treat Subaru badly, or being able to stand to see him go. 'I'd fight for you always,' he thought, furiously. 'If we were together, I-' His heart and brain seemed to short-circuit. They could actually be together now, couldn't they? He had a sudden vision of Subaru coming home to him after completing some onmyoji work, of the two of them wandering around the city on warm summer nights, spending time with all of his friends, of- he blushed furiously, of all of those things he'd been fantasizing about that set his body on fire.

Kamui shivered and shook his head. How the fuck was he thinking about stuff like that now? He closed his eyes, still holding tight to Subaru's hand. Even as the wonderful vision of a happy, bright future together played in his mind, the reality of their situation swallowed it whole. They were more or less in the same position, even if Subaru's boyfriend was out of the picture. Subaru definitely shouldn't get into anything with someone else right now, and Kamui didn't want to be a rebound or a replacement. 'This fucking sucks,' he thought, bitterly.

Besides, he also had no idea if Subaru would even stay in New York now he and his boyfriend had split up. Kamui closed his eyes, riding the wave of panic that had risen shockingly in his chest. 'Please don't leave,' he pleaded, mentally. He opened his eyes, unable to bear the thought of Subaru just vanishing. Of course, it was incredibly selfish to want him to stay: his whole life was in Tokyo, and he'd given it up for the person he loved. Kamui couldn't ask him to stay just for him. He wasn't worth it.

Sadness welled up inside Kamui and tears finally came. He cried for everything: for Subaru's pain, for his own fear of losing him, for his total lack of any idea of what to do and, even as he tried to suppress it, for losing Fuuma. He held Subaru's hand in both his own and hunched over, crying so hard his shoulders shook. They stayed that way for hours. The sun sank lower and lower outside the windows, filling the room with orange light and long shadows. Eventually, Kamui managed to control himself, and he just watched Subaru sleep until, at last, he began to stir. He gripped Kamui's hand, then opened his eyes slowly.

It took him a second to remember why he was in Kamui's bed, what all had happened to make him feel so sad and exhausted. "You're awake," Kamui said, smiling.

"You were holding my hand the whole time I was asleep?" Subaru asked, his voice heavy with tiredness and emotion. Kamui nodded, flushing. Subaru gave his hand one last squeeze before finally letting go. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, feeling weak and achy, like he was recovering from an illness. It was a relief to know he could talk without crying, though. He hugged his knees into his chest and rested his chin upon them.

"How are you feeling?" Kamui asked, watching him with concerned eyes.

"Better, but…"

"Not good?" Subaru nodded.

"I'm sorry to put all this on you, I-"

"Stop," Kamui said, very firmly. "I got you, whatever you need I'm here." Subaru sighed heavily, but nodded, and Kamui smiled encouragingly. "You can stay with me as long as you want."

"Really?"

"Mmhmm." Subaru managed a weak smile.

"Thank you." A pause. "I have no idea what's going to happen to me," he said, gazing away hopelessly.

"We'll figure it out as it comes," Kamui said, trying to be proactive. "Honestly right now I just want you to feel better." Subaru looked away. It seemed impossible that he'd ever feel better again, but he'd try his best for Kamui.

"Okay." Kamui smiled, and Subaru tried to be proactive too. "I need to get the rest of my stuff from," he paused. "From my ex's apartment." 'My ex, wow…'

"When should we do that?"

"What? No, I'll go by myself, it's-" but Kamui cut him off.

"Get the fuck out of here you'll go there by yourself," he said, sounding almost angry. Subaru's eyes widened.

"But-"

"I'm not letting you do that, too the fuck bad." Kamui's expression was fierce and his tone was impossible to contradict.

"O-okay," Subaru replied, shakily, and Kamui's expression softened.

"You reached out to me, so you're stuck with me, sorry," He said, and Subaru managed another weak smile. "We'll go get your stuff together, and we can ask Sorata or someone to come with us." Subaru's eyes widened.

"No, that's-" He felt ashamed enough as it was, the thought of other people knowing made his skin crawl. Kamui moved closer to him and rubbed his back, and he closed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed.

"All I'll tell them is that you guys broke up." Subaru's lip trembled. "We want to help, let us help you." Subaru pressed his lips tightly together and nodded. He didn't have the energy to fight, and he knew on some level that Kamui was right. Kamui leaned forward and embraced him. "Everything will be okay," he said, quietly, with as much conviction as he could muster. Subaru buried his face in his neck, breathing deeply.

"You've been so good to me," he whispered.

"It's easy, trust me." Subaru didn't believe him, but appreciated it anyway. Kamui withdrew. "Do you want to shower? That always helps me feel better." Subaru nodded. "Go ahead, I'll bring you clean clothes." Again, Subaru nodded. They both stood up, and Subaru headed down the hall into the bathroom. As he shut the door, he caught his own eye in the mirror above the sink. He looked pale, but better than he had that morning. He turned on the shower, grateful to know at least some of what was to come. He'd stay with Kamui for the time being, and they'd go get the rest of his things in a day or two. They could go during a weekday, when no one would be home. He was afraid of seeing Seishiro, and though he'd been resistant at first, he knew it would all be easier if Kamui were there.

Subaru never thought he'd feel so safe and reassured by someone else, especially when he'd spent the last four months asking for reassurance and never getting it. Even when he and Seishiro were happy together, everything always felt tenuous, like the happiness was never a guarantee.

He watched himself get undressed in the mirror and folded his clothes neatly on the edge of the sink before stepping into the bath. He turned on the water and immediately felt it start to burn through his numbness. He reached for the soap and began to scrub himself clean. It did make him feel slightly better; washing the day away, even if it was just psychological. There was a knock on the door. "I've got clean clothes and a towel for you, can I come in?" Subaru blushed. He made sure the shower curtain was completely covering him before responding.

"Come in!" Kamui swallowed and opened the door. He kept his eyes averted, feeling discomposed and embarrassed all of a sudden.

"I'll leave everything here, so, take as long as you need." Subaru bit his lip, facing the wall as he rinsed off. He felt intensely aware of Kamui, as he had done the night they'd slept next to each other, or when they'd danced together a million years ago…

"Thank you," he said, rather awkwardly. Kamui wanted to run, but for some reason felt totally unable to do so. He hung the towel on the back of the door and laid the clothes on the edge of the sink. His heart beat faster as his hand brushed against the clothes Subaru had so recently taken off.

"Um, I was going to order dinner, are you hungry?" Subaru reached for shampoo and inhaled the smell that had been all over his pillows, then in his mind for days afterwards.

"Y-yeah," he replied. "I don't mind, order whatever you like."

"Okay!" At last Kamui retreated. He closed the door behind him and rested his back against it. 'Fuck,' he thought, wearily, before returning to his living room. He ordered pizza, the first thing he could think of, then sank onto his couch, trying to collect himself. 'I should let everyone know what's up,' he thought, after a few seconds. He texted Arashi and Yuzuriha "Subaru and his boyfriend broke up, he's staying with me for now. He's okay, I'll keep you posted" then called Sorata.

"Hey! What's up?" Kamui smiled in spite of the situation.

"Um, things are sort of fucked up right now."

"Why, what happened?"

"Subaru and his boyfriend broke up." Sorata sighed heavily.

"Oh shit, is he okay?"

"I have no idea," Kamui replied, his voice lowering sadly. "I think he'll be all right but he's pretty devastated. He's staying with me until he figures shit out."

"Yeah for sure." Sorata paused. "How are you?"

"Don't worry about me, at least not right now," Kamui said, forestalling Sorata's protests. "Um, I do need your help, though."

"I'm there, what do you need?" Gratitude rose up, warm and soft, inside Kamui.

"We need to go get the rest of his stuff out of his ex's apartment, could you come with us? I don't know how it's going to be, and-"

"Of course! When?" Kamui felt another rush of gratitude.

"I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know."

"Word we can go whenever. I can take the day off work, it's no problem."

"Thanks, Sorata, seriously, I," the bathroom door opened and Subaru entered the room, his skin flushed. "Listen I gotta go, I really appreciate your help."

"No doubt, call me if you need anything. Tell Subaru I hope he feels better!"

"I will, have a good rest of your night." Kamui ended the call as Subaru sat down next to him. He was wearing Fuuma's old shirt, and it was sort of trippy to see. They said nothing for a while, intensely aware of each other, wondering what the other was thinking.

"Who were you talking to?" Subaru asked, finally.

"Sorata," he replied, eyes still on his phone. "He says he's ready when you are to go get the rest of your stuff."

"We can go tomorrow, I just want to get it over with."

"I'll tell him." Subaru nodded, and silence fell between them again. He watched Kamui send the message, return his phone to the coffee table and curl his legs up under him. "Can I ask you something?" Kamui asked, looking up at Subaru, his voice quiet and expression full of nervous meaning.

"Certainly." Kamui swallowed, hating himself for wanting to know already, but with so many unknowns ahead of him, he needed at least something tangeable. "I know this is fucked up and insensitive, but…"

"What is it?" Subaru's eyes widened in concern and his heart sped up sharply.

"Are you… Are you going to go back to Tokyo, now that-" he didn't finish the sentence and blushed deeply.

"I don't know," Subaru replied softly, his heart aching. "Honestly, I, I don't really miss Tokyo, at least not like I thought I would. Does that make sense?" Kamui nodded vigorously, listening with rapt attention. "You and your friends have been so good to me, and I," his throat constricted and he looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know how happy my sister would be to have me back," he finished, returning his gaze to Kamui.

"Well, for what it's worth, I'd love you to stay," he said, feeling cautiously relieved.

"Really?"

"Yeah! I mean," Kamui struggled with the words, not wanting to say anything before he was ready. "You know I'd be devastated if you left." Saying it out loud seemed to make it more real for both of them. Subaru took Kamui's hand and he shivered, feeling the touch all the way up his arm. All of a sudden, last night seemed to permeate the room: all the questions they would have asked each other, all the things they would have finally talked about had everything not gone crazy…

"Kamui, I-" The buzzer sounded, slicing through the tension between them. Kamui sighed irritably and got up to answer the door, agitated and awkward. Subaru wrapped his arms around himself, feeling rather shivery as well. Kamui returned to the living room after a minute or so and placed the pizza box on the coffee table. Subaru wasn't really hungry, but knew he should eat something. Kamui picked up a slice, folded it in half and devoured it.

"What time do you want to go tomorrow?" He asked, after a few minutes. Subaru paused, pizza halfway to his mouth, and swallowed.

"In the morning, I suppose, while," he paused again, remembering Seishiro's words. 'Get out. Come back for the rest of your things when I'm not here.' Subaru closed his eyes, hating himself for remembering. "When no one will be home," he finished. Kamui nodded, acutely aware of Subaru's pain. He texted Sorata, telling him where to meet and when.

Neither of them spoke for a long time. Kamui put on soft, soothing music to fill the space. Subaru's fears about the following day seemed to have dulled his senses, but at the same time, he was painfully aware of each passing second, like he was watching himself from behind a pane of glass. He would have been fine to sit there, doing and feeling nothing, while Kamui moved around him, forever. "Subaru?" Came Kamui's voice, bringing him back to Earth. "Do you want to call it a night?" Subaru nodded. "You can sleep in my bed," Kamui continued, trying not to blush.

"Okay," Subaru replied, very softly. Kamui shut off the overhead light and they went into the bedroom. He seized some clothes from his chest of drawers and scurried to the bathroom to change. Subaru lay down and curled up under the covers. It seemed impossible that twenty-four hours ago, he was enjoying drinks with friends, looking at old photos and laughing, ignoring his feelings for Kamui and pretending he and Seishiro were okay.

Kamui appeared in the doorway and tossed his day clothes into the laundry hamper next to the door. He climbed into bed beside Subaru. For a bizarre second, Subaru's mind showed Kamui crawling up next to him, wrapping his arms around him… but no, he shouldn't think things like that. Not yet anyway. "Does the music bother you?" Kamui asked, softly. Subaru hadn't even realized it was still on.

"No," he replied, very quietly.

"Everything will be okay," Kamui said, just as quietly, trying to sound reassuring for the both of them. In spite of himself, Subaru moved closer to Kamui. Their backs were touching, and it was so warm, so soft… Subaru fell asleep almost at once; the small loving touches and sounds seemed to patch over the gaping void in his chest.

However, Kamui lay awake for a while. Now Subaru was safely asleep, it seemed he was free to think about Fuuma. Kamui had always known on some level that this would happen, that it never could have lasted. However, it still didn't seem real, and he knew it wouldn't until Fuuma was actually arrested. If he was arrested. Truthfully, Kamui didn't want to think about that possibility. He was scared of being without Fuuma, of what his life would be without him. Kamui had suspected, almost hoped at times, that he would die in that life, so he could escape the pain he'd been running from forever. Now, though, his means of escape were cut off. A shiver ran through Kamui's body and he shut his eyes tight, the uncertainty of it all absolutely terrifying. However, as he felt Subaru's gentle breathing against his back, he knew he would have to stop running, regardless of whatever else happened.

At the very least, he had to be there for Subaru. Be strong for Subaru.

I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!