All characters owned by JK Rowling of course. Other characters are owned by their authors. With special thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me and thanks for all the reviews! With special thanks for reviews from Cmar, Emma, Sennica and anyone else who has kindly reviewed me! All reviews/ideas welcome!

Chapter Ten - Harry Potter, The Time Turner and the Fire Whisky

The casino was full of the smells of cigarettes, whisky and smoke. The strange half-light in the casino gave the players the sort of look reserved for a black and white montage.

Bond put his hand in his pocket and looked at the bit of paper again. It was a receipt for $30 worth of chips. He also had another receipt for the bed and breakfast round the corner. They had had a memo round the office last week about "reckless expenditure of the expenses account." Now they were expected to have a receipt for everything they spent and not to stay at a hotel that cost more than $100 a night. That ruled out most of the hotels in Monaco. He would normally stay at the Hotel Monaco in the presidential suite. Now he was staying at the Hotelo Paridiso in the broom cupboard and he had to fight the cockroaches for his bed each night.

"Can I get you a drink, sir?" asked the waiter.

"Vodka martini, shaken…" He shuddered as he thought. "Make it a lemonade. Half a lemonade. Hold the ice. Not the expensive lemonade either." They weren't allowed alcohol on active duty now. "And give me a receipt for it as well." He was given twenty dollars a day "entertainment allowance," which of course he had to claim back from the government. He would rather be trapped in Russia surrounded by hundreds of soldiers whose mother's hygiene he had inadvertently insulted than face the expenses department again. To be honest the last time that happened it wasn't exactly his fault. I mean, he could speak six languages and everyone makes a mistake every now and then. It wasn't his fault the word for surrender and…

"James, you came," purred the sexy looking woman. She was Allia Clovesoff and she was the stunningly beautiful fiancée of Philip Tranter the nutty billionaire he was following.

"Just like you last night, Allia. Several times as I recall."

She giggled. "Philip Tranter is over there. I'm sure he knows about us." She took his hand. "Be careful James. I couldn't bear to lose you…"

"Allia, my dear." James took her hand and looked deeply into her auburn eyes. "Could I borrow a twenty? I'll pay you back? The expenses cheque is in the post. You know how it is?"

She looked fairly flustered at this but handed James a note from a small diamond encrusted purse. "Tranter is planning something, I know. He moved the light focussing device from…"

"I was wondering if you could let me borrow a fifty as well, it's just I'll need breakfast in the morning."

"Sure, sure," she said urgently. "He calls it Project Phoenix; he says the world will be reborn in a storm of fire in six…"

"If you could sign this bit of paper for me, please," said Bond, waving a bit of paper in front of her.

She signed it whilst still talking urgently. "He will destroy Switzerland first as a foretaste…" She suddenly thought for a moment. "What did I sign there?"

"If I borrow money on active service I have to declare it on my tax form."

FOOP!

With a strange sound, like someone bouncing an elephant off the Eiffel tower, three children appeared in front of James Bond they appeared rather moth eaten and battered and had the peculiar look of intensity that all drunk people got after a time. A strange green smoke surrounded them and for a short time the air was full of the smell of fried banjos (a side effect of the time turner).

"I'd better go," said Allia, giving the children the sort of look she normally reserved for insurance salesmen.

"Great we're in another bar!" Ron walked up to Bond. "I'm looking for Firewhisky mate."

"Try the bar," said Bond pointing. The tall red haired boy walked unsteadily over to the bar. Ron stood on a huge man's toe. The man, who must have had some bears in his ancestry, drew a gun. In a dazzling display, which Bond couldn't quite see how he did it; Ron had changed the gun for an empty bottle of Fire Whisky.

When he last saw Ron he was waving a gun at the barman and getting some remarkably quick service. Bond turned back. He had to concentrate on the mission. He walked to the roulette table where Tranter was. Bond started playing roulette. Like a miniature of life itself, the beautiful women were gathering around the winners and ignoring the losers.

James Bond was naturally good-looking and always lucky with gambling. He had dark hair and a small scar on his cheek. In front of him was a rapidly increasing pile of chips and behind him were two gorgeous women.

The man at the other side of the table had an eye patch and a huge scar down his cheek. "So, Mr Bond, you play for high stakes."

Bond gave a rare smile and lit a cigar. "You care to up the wager, Mr Tranter?"

"One hundred thousand dollars."

Bond shook his head. "No, you tell me what the Phoenix Project is, and one hundred thousand dollars." There was a muttering around the table and the man with the eye patch went pale.

"How do you get that name? Okay," he said, his face hardening. "Okay, but if you lose, Mr Fando," he pointed at a huge man standing behind him, "will take your head and I will turn it into a vase. One of those nice artistic ones with the floral arrangement in an embossed motif. I was thinking of painting it pink and putting it by that lovely clock I got in Florida. To be honest I need it to hide the horrible snow dome Blofeld gave me for Christmas. I would get rid of it but Erny likes to pop in at strange times and he would go loopy if I just threw it out. You know, once I didn't put sugar in his tea and he tried to destroy Ceylon simply because that is where the tea came from. It was lucky for them he couldn't find it on the map and he accidentally fried part of Australia instead. They didn't notice, they just got their barbies out instead. It was very embarrassing. Blofeld demanded that the Australian Prime Minister pay him one hundred billion dollars to stop, and he just asked Blofeld to turn up the heat as their chicken wings were nearly done. Anyway, I digress, is it a deal?"

Bond didn't twitch at all at these stakes. "Agreed." He lit his cigar and calmly exhaled.

"Ooh, this looks fun!" said Harry, looking at the table. "What are these little plastic chip things?"

"Put those down!" said Tranter.

"What happened to your face, mate? It's horrible!" said Harry to Tranter. Ron was busy talking to the barman about fire whisky, he had already sold the gun to buy a bottle of normal whisky.

"Budge up! Budge up!" said Hermione to Bond. She pushed Bond to the edge of his seat. "You are a nice looking one, aren't you?"

Bond tried to ignore this interruption. "One hundred thousand on red. If I win…" He let the words trail off.

Tranter chuckled. "Mr Bond, this is my casino…" He moved his pile of chips onto the table. "One hundred thousand on black."

"This is exciting, isn't it!" said Hermione. "You are rather good looking, you know. You put me in a mind of an older version of Oliver Twist." Unfortunately her being well-read did not put Hermione in a good position in the flirting game. She smouldered. "With possibly a dash of Fagin." She carried on smouldering.

She looked down in shock at where the smoke was coming from. It was her sleeve! Bond's cigar had accidentally caught the hem of her cloak. "Aaaah!" she squealed and poured Bond's lemonade over the flames.

"What have you done!" shouted Bond. "Do you know how difficult it is to claim for drinks, being a spy?" The room went silent and several dozen sinister looking men brought various guns and knives into view. "I mean a spyrochracter," said Bond, thinking quickly. "I look after backs. I do massages. Anyone want a massage?" Several dozen women and four gay men put up their hands. "Just leave me your names, I'll get back to you." He sat back down at the table and leapt up when he realised someone was already sitting there.

"Excuse me, mate," said Ron, who was sitting there. "You're talking to Hermione. She's my girl!"

"No! No I'm not!" said Hermione, shaking her head. "I'm my own girl! I'm not his girl! I can be your girl if you like?" She waggled her eyebrows at him. This had the unfortunate effect of making her face look like it was under attack by some dancing caterpillars.

"I am trying to gamble for the future of civilisation, would you please go away!"

"I'll go with you anytime," said Hermione, running a finger seductively up Bond's jacket. The effect was rather spoiled when she caught her finger on the pin holding his carnation in and spent thirty seconds hopping up and down and swearing.

"Are all bets in?" said the dealer on the roulette table. "Right, I'm spinning the wheel."

Tranter looked closely at the wheel as the ball started bouncing around as it started slowing down.

Ron picked it up from the wheel. "What's this for then, mate?" he asked Bond.

There was a collective gasp of shock around him. "Put that back!" he hissed.

"Okay mate." He threw it back into the roulette wheel and it landed in black.

Tranter chuckled. "You owe me a hundred thousand dollars and your head, Mr Bond. The world will perish in a rain of fire!"

"Sure, sure," said Bond calmly. "I've got $50,000 dollars here and my car is worth $50,000, is that alright?"

Tranter was grinning with victory. "Excellent!"

Bond got out a form. "This form is just for tax purposes and to sign over the car. If you could just sign here…" He pointed at one section. "And here. Here as well, if you want the optional salt corrosion paint. Here for the two years warranty. And here for the cuddly toy. No? It is a purple teddy bear? Part of the Fluffy Cuddly Happy Animal collection? Yes? Wise choice. Thanks, and here, saying you've read the guarantee. Thanks. And just sign here saying you intend to take over the world. Right, thanks. There is a small multiple choice here. Are you trying to take over the world with a nuclear weapon? No. Good. A new line of supermarkets? No. Good. To be honest I think that Walmart has that part of the world pretty much sewn up. A big death ray laser? Yes! Good! Whereabouts is it? In space, right. If you could just put in the details. Good. Good. If you could just write in the stop code and the radio frequency to disable it here. Thanks. If you could just put your signature to this confession. I appreciate that, thanks. Excellent. If you could just mention what other crimes you've done or any other world domination plans. You invented the TV programs Big Brother and Stars in Their Eyes? You sick puppy! What, Simon Cowell is one of your evil agents! I hope they throw away the key! If you could put your fingers on this ink pad and put them on this paper. Good, now we have your fingerprints.

"We'll take a front picture." There was a flash as Bond took his picture. "Thanks, now a side profile. Try and look mean. Thank you." There was another flash and Bond put the camera down. "We'll take a dab of blood for DNA. This might hurt a bit?" There was an ouch sound. "Sorry about that. And now if you could put your hands into this pair of handcuffs and accompany this police officer to the station." A police officer had appeared by Bond and arrested Tranter and his henchman. "Thank you very much, you've been a wonderful villain, you really have."

Hermione, Ron and Harry hadn't seen this because they had disappeared again…