I was extremely lucky today. Ever since what happened the other day with Hannah Meller, she's been avoiding me like the plague. It's been great. I don't have to worry about her and Carly is coming home tomorrow.
The only bad part is I haven't heard from Sam yet. I've begun planning and searching for other places to look for her at. I decided to go to the Groovy Smoothie after school today and have a smoothie. I knew it wouldn't be the same without Sam drinking most of my drink and throwing food at me.
I sat in there for about an hour, just sitting and drinking, and thinking. It felt weird, being there alone. I could practically hear Sam's voice...
"The hell you talkin bout?" She slurred. I looked around, her voice, it sounded so real...
"Aaaw fuck off. Leave me alone," She laughed now. That loud and girly laugh she had...
I looked behind me, toward the counter. I saw that the back door was open and T-Bo was looking outside, as if he was talking to someone. I saw a mass of blonde curls and I felt something in my stomach.
That voice, that hair... It was all too familiar.
"Dammit T-Bo, if I take the pancake on a stick will you leave me the fuck alone?" I heard her slur, and I was positive. I quickly got up out of my seat and jumped over the counter before I could even think it through.
I ran up to the door, and T-Bo, and he turned to look at me.
"How did you get back here? Neva' mind that. You wanna buy some Pancake-on-a-stick?" He asked, holding up a stick with eight or nine pancakes stuffed on there.
"Umm, no thank you," My mother raised me to be polite... I looked around him and saw her.
Sam.
T-Bo scoffed and backed up behind me, but not before he turned to Sam,
"Just hurry up and leave. If the cops come by I'm singin' like a canedy!" He exclaimed.
"Uh, it's canary..." I corrected but he waved me off and went back to his customers.
I turned back around to Sam, afraid if I looked away for too long then she would disappear again.
She wasn't alone. A girl was sitting beside her. She had short, black and styled hair, a piercing on her eyebrow, and tired looking eyes. They were both holding Vodka bottles and leaning against each other for support.
"Sam?" I asked, still not believing that I had found her. And in one of the most obvious places...
She squinted up at me, she had a confused look on her face.
"Freddie," I said, walking out of the doorway and shutting the door behind me. "Benson. Icarly?"
She looked up at me for another minute or so, and I mean really looked me over. Everywhere. I shifted my eyes in embarrassment but continued to wait for her realization.
"OH!" She exclaimed suddenly, causing me to jump. "Freddaweirdo! How ya been buddy!" She asked excitedly, then turned to the girl and pointed to me, "That's my friend Freddalupah. The one I told you about," She nudged her and they both laughed, looking up at me. The hell? How wasted is she?
"Sam?" I asked, letting my confusion leak through in my voice. One problem at a time. I told myself. I looked pointedly at the girl sitting next to Sam, and after a few minutes, she caught on.
"Oh! Oh yeah! This is... haha this is Robin! I met her... anyway, she's been letting me crash with her... Oh! And we have a band!" Sam said excitedly, looking up at me and pointing at herself and Robin. Robin looked to be about nineteen or so, she couldn't be much older than us. Twenty one at the oldest; nineteen at the youngest.
And what is this she's talking about a band? Of course that does kind of explain their drinking. I know Sam, and I know that if she would ever join a band, it would be hard rock and somewhat like The Runaways, plenty of drinking included.
"Yeah, I invited Sam into my band. I found her just wandering the streets, singing a Beatles song. She saw me sitting outside of Club Dorango and asked if she could have some of my drink. I told her she had a nice voice and that she just had to be in the band." Robin spoke, her voice was deep and soothing. It mad me think of the stereotypical vampire figures. While she was speaking, I noticed that she also has a piercing on her tongue. She wasn't speaking as slurred as Sam. I mean, and I thought Sam was good because she doesn't stutter or anything...
She was wearing red lipstick, which made me think of blood, and eyeliner, heavily applied. Seriously, she is going for the whole vampire thing. She was wearing an amulet around her neck, a bottle filled with something red. I couldn't see anything else, for they were both covered with a large, dark green blanket.
"I know! I mean, you should see us Fredly, we rock SO hard!" Sam enthused, smiling broadly. I was shocked, Sam didn't smile like that often, well unless she's drunk. Of course. Living up to the rockstar image.
"I bet you do Sam," I let out a small smile, but I wasn't really feeling it, "But... Why haven't you answered your phone or anything?" I ask, looking at her warily. She looked at me with that confused look again and then she burst out laughing.
"OH! Dude, I didn't want anyone breathing all in my grill. Chill out. I was going to get in contact with you at some point... I think." She shook her head, still laughing. Breathing in my grill? What happened to her?
I looked at Sam once again and was shocked by the bold changes in her I had stupidly missed. She was wearing makeup, just like Robin, and it was an odd thing for Sam. Usually she's too lazy to put on anything other than lip gloss. Today though, she had heavily applied eyeliner and soft red lip stain (I knew it wasn't lipstick because... well I mean I have a mom so...), it was applied as to where it looked like her lips were naturally a deep pink, light red color. I'm pretty sure she's wearing mascara because her already long lashes look thicker and even longer. She also had glittery cheeks, that looked pink, and even though it's so different from the Sam I'm used to, she looks pretty good.
Of course Sam could pull off a lot, I mean, she would probably still be hot as a nun, but I mean... It's just odd seeing her change right in front of me. I haven't seen her in, what, eight days? And already she's turning into a brand new person.
"Well... Sam..." I start off slow, knowing that her cheery drunken mood could backlash on me when I get the words out. "Are you- are you going to come home?" I ask her, fiddling with my hands and avoiding her eyes. "Because... because we um... We miss you, Sam," Oh is that a rock by my foot? Well isn't that so interesting...
She's quiet for a while, both of them are. Robin, I can guess, probably doesn't want to interfere with the reunion, and Sam... Well, I don't know what Sam's thinking. And she's drunk so that just makes it worse.
I fear that maybe she'll get mad and yell at me again.
I see her stand in my peripheral vision. I raise my head and look at her. I can see what she's wearing and my jaw hits the ground.
Sam was never really one for... fashion. Well not for modern fashion, she has her own fashion. Her own style. This though, what she's wearing now... This isn't her.
I'm really hoping this is just because she's drunk, I hope she's just like this because she's not herself right now.
When is she ever herself anymore?
She's wearing a red midriff top that's a v-neck so if she were to bend over I could see right down her shirt. In fact, I'm taller than her so if she were to step close I would get a glimpse...
Anyway, that alone is giving off a view of a lot of skin. Not to mention the plump breasts beneath that I keep getting a peek at...
Get your brain out of the gutter Benson!
She's wearing shorts, which isn't really not normal for her, but they're shorter shorts and add that to her shirt...
Okay so basically I'm restricting myself from the urge to jump her bones right here and now...
She's wearing black converse shoes and a necklace that says 'REAL EYES REALIZE REAL LIES' The thing that really shocks me though, is her stomach.
Aside from the plain beauty of it; the flat, slightly tanned surface, that makes me want to reach out and touch the soft warmth of it. There is her belly button.
Now, yeah it's just a normal belly button, but the thing she has on it...
That's right. A piercing. I stare down at the red ball sticking out of her stomach and belly button. I notice that there are black stripes on it.
"Fredward," She says softly, jostling my attention away from the naval piercing and back to her. I look at her for a moment while I wait for her to continue. I mean I really look at her.
I try hard to stare into her. To stare into the blue abyss of her eyes. Try to stare through them and see what's hiding behind them.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and I'm trying hard to find hers.
I just want to know what happened to my friend.
"This is who I am now," She says as if she's read my mind, "This is where I belong." She says, sounding more sober now than she was before. Maybe a serious conversation brings out sobering conversation skills.
"Who are you?" I ask her looking at her hard and watching her flinch, "Because I just don't know who you are anymore. Ever since this," I snatch the vodka bottle from her hand and she's so drunk she makes no attempt to take it back, "happened... You've changed. Ever since this thing with Carly," She flinches, "You've changed."
I hear a song playing in my head, realizing it goes great with the situtation at hand.
I'm looking through you, where did you go
I thought I knew you, what did I know
You don't look different, but you have changed
I'm looking through you, you're not the same
"Maybe I have changed," She held her head a little bit higher, "But what was I supposed to do Fredly? The drinking? The band? The attitude? This is who I am! This is what runs in my blood. This is the last flaw my father gave me. The last curse he put upon me. I'm tired of putting up with shit. I'm tired of pretending. Here," She looks around and motions to the now dark alley, "I don't have to. No one expects anything from me, and I can be whoever I want to be. Do you want to take that from me?" She asks, looking at me with the eyes I had seen too many times to count. The eyes that said 'Hit me with your best shot. I'll hit yo uback harder', the challenging eyes. And I knew that I wouldn't win, knew that she would beat me, again. But I had to try.
"No, Sam I don't want to take that from you. I just want you to be happy. But I want you to be happ y at home. Where you belong. Sam, we don't care what problems you think you have and what mistakes you make, we care about you. And we all want you home." I plead, holding onto only the hope I've built up around myself for the past week. Holding onto the fantasy that she'll take my hand and we'll skip home and work on getting rid of her addiction. Thinking only of the fantasy of that happy ending.
Before Sam can reply, we hear a voice. Robin is speaking.
"Sam, I hate to interrupt... But umm... Ryan and Michael are here." She points to a car pulling up into the alley. I see two guys sitting in the front, they trn around and look at Robin through the window. They start waving their arms, telling her to come on. Robin looks at Sam and points to the car again. She starts picking up their stuff and Sam turns back to face me.
"Sam, don't." I start shaking my head, I reach out and grab her hand, "Please," I look into her eyes, pleading.
She looks torn. She glances from my eyes and back behind her at Robin, getting in the car. Robin motions again and climbs into the back seat.
Sam turns around and silently grabs the vodka bottle, her other hand still in mine.
"I'll call you. I promise." She says, leaning in and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
"Sam-" I start but she cuts me off.
"I'm sorry" She says. Then she pulls her hand out from mine and runs to catch her ride.
I watch her climb in the back seat of the car and settle in next to Robin. I continue to watch the car. Even when it takes off down the alley, disappearing around the corner.
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{seperate}
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Later on that night, I was laying on my bed, staring up at my ceiling and just thinking. Wondering really. Who are Ryan and Michael? And how does Sam know them? What are they doing right now? Why were they in such a hurry?
Why did Sam go?
So bascially, I have a ton of questions, and no answers. Ever since I found Sam... It's been hard.
She's all I've been thinking about. Of course that didn't really change much because that's how it was before. Bu t now, I'm remembering her tonight, and her during the other times I've seen her drunk.
I just don't get it. There's something... different... about her now. Something different about how she is drunk this way. And I just don't get it.
"Do you regret doing this?" Sam asked me. Drunk, as usual. She reached down and took a gulp of the drink she had poured herself.
"Doing what?" I asked, watching her flip channels on the TV. She stopped on Spongebob and Patrick came into view being 'beat up' by Spongebob. Sam started laughing loudly, her body shaking.
"This," She said throwing her arm up in the air and watching it fall back down. "Me. Hanging out with me. Letting me get wasted in your living room while your mom is at work. And taking care of me while I do it? I mean, don't you have a ny better things to do? Even nubs have lives." She said, laughing again at Spongebob, not really realizing how... deep her question was. She'd said it so nonchalantly and friendly... you'd think they were talking about what they were doing that weekend, not whether or not they regret something.
"Nah, Sam, I don't regret any of this," I'd said, knowing it was true. I didn't have much of a life other than Sam.. well and Carly, but she'd just been so busy lately. Really there was nothing else I could do...
I thought back, all of those days I'd spent with Sam, watching TV or looking out over the city. It was all Sam. Always. I never really noticed how much she made up my day until she was gone.
Man, I'm pathetic.
I decide to go to bed, checkingmy phone and putting it on the charger on the nightstand by my bed. Then I turn off the light and get under the covers and drift off to sleep.
I don't know how long I've slept, when my phone goes off, waking me up. My head shoots up and I glance at my digital alrm clock.
3:23 AM.
I pick up my ringing phone and answer it, pressing it to my ear, without checking the caller ID.
As soon as I hear the background noise, I know that the person is clearly outside.I jump up and throw my shoes on, which were by my bed, and grab my hoodie off of my desk chair.
"Hello," I say, already knowing who it was and what they might be calling for. I open my bedroom door. I walk right to the front door, stopping only to grab the car keys.
"Hey," The voice says, pausing for a minute and I'm walking down the stairs to the lobby. By the time I reach the car, the voice contnues.
"It's Sam."