There was a sign that used to hang outside of the door of one of Riley's classes. It was one of the motivational posters that seemed to hang around every corner of every college campus that had ever been established. By the time she'd reached her second semester of school, she'd stopped really noticing the signs that surrounded her, but this one was different. This one promised that, "Everything that you want is on the other side of fear."
She's not sure why the memory of the stupid sign had come back to her, but it's what she thinks about as she gets out of bed the next morning. Lucas had slept on the couch the previous night and the bed had felt cold without him. She'd spent most of the night gazing up at the ceiling and wondering if she was ever going to feel warm again.
Her morning routine felt mechanical and she can barely train her mind on the tasks in front of her. She gets the twins ready for Claire and packs her bag for work. She's surprised when she finds Lucas looking out the window over the sink, when she descends the stairs.
It's not hard to figure out what he's thinking about.
"I love you. I know that I've made a lot of mistakes and that I've taken our relationship for granted when I shouldn't have, but I'm willing to fight for you. I'm willing to spend however long it takes making amends for hurting you and finding ways to show you that you're it for me. With or without the twins, I was always going to end up by your side. But I need to know that you're willing to fight for us, too. Are you?"
"I don't know," Riley admitted, unable to look at him.
"Let me know when you figure it out," Lucas snapped, the bedroom door slamming behind him.
"Morning," she offers, hesitantly, depositing Summer and Matt on a blanket that had been spread out on the floor.
"How'd you sleep?" he returned, not looking away from whatever had captivated his attention.
"Not well," she replied, honestly, "You?"
"I've slept better," he returned, turning around to look at her.
"Are you okay to wait for Claire to get here, I've got an early appointment," Riley informed him, folding her arms across her chest.
"I can wait," he sighed and there was something so defeated in his expression that Riley found herself rooted to the spot she was standing in, the entire length of the kitchen between them.
Once upon a time, they'd never had any trouble talking and now she can't find the right words to say. Now, she's not sure what he could say to make her feel differently, or what she could say to explain the feelings that are running through her heart.
The doorbell ringing causes Riley to break his gaze and she mindlessly makes her way to the front door, pulling it open and wincing at the cold air that hits her in its rush to get inside. There's white flakes, melting on impact with the ground, but enough to obscure her vision of the countryside outside of her front door.
"Good morning," Claire offered, cheerfully, as Riley stepped aside to let the woman in.
"I fed the twins," Riley supplied, closing the door and following Claire into the house, "I should be home at my normal time this evening."
Lucas was gone from the kitchen when they made their way to the family room and Riley assumed that he must have gone upstairs to get ready.
"Have a good day," Claire sunk down onto the couch and Riley nodded, debating whether she should go up the stairs and let Lucas know that she was leaving or head out.
A look at her phone confirmed that she was already running late and she grabbed her bag off of the floor and headed towards the door that led out to the garage. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was leaving something important behind, but she continued on, anyway.
The snow melted into her hair and she found herself shivering, as she headed into the bakery. Her eyes scanned the booths and she was relieved to find that it was mostly empty. The place was a hangout for most of the people at the hospital and Riley had been a handful of times, although she usually just grabbed things to go and she was currently trying to be good with her eating habits.
"What can I get you?" the teenager behind the counter questioned.
"I'll just have a glazed donut," Riley decided, pulling her wallet out of her pocket and offering the money across the counter top.
He grabbed the donut with a napkin and handed it over to her, peeling off a pair of gloves before he added the money to the cash register. Riley glanced around the room again and found the person she was supposed to be meeting settled into the shadows in the back.
Riley made her way across the room, trying not to flinch under the weight of her companion's gaze. The first thing she had ever noticed about Rebecca Friar was that she had the same eyes as Lucas, although Lucas's eyes had always been easier to read and they'd never left her feeling small.
"Thank you for being willing to meet with me," Rebecca greeted her, brushing a strand of blonde hair from her face, as she adjusted the position that she was seated in. She was wearing a pencil skirt that was stretched tightly across her crossed legs and a green, satin shirt that made the color in her eyes that much more apparent. However, Riley couldn't help noticing that there was something in the way her clothes hung around her that suggested she'd recently lost weight.
"I didn't see any way of avoiding this," Riley returned, setting the donut down and sliding across from the older woman.
"I remember the first time I met you," Rebecca admitted, pursing her lips, "It was at parent teacher conferences and Lucas pointed you out across the room before he led me over to introduce you. Do you remember?" Rebecca questioned.
"I don't," Riley lied, trying to forget the stuttering she'd done, while feeling trapped under a microscope.
"You were nervous and your smile looked forced, but what got me was the way that Lucas looked at you. I'd thought that the two of you would grow out of it, but neither of you did. No matter how many times the two of you mess things up, you end up right back where you started. Some people might call that persistence, but I would call it the very definition of insanity."
"You've never liked me with your son," Riley forced herself not to react to the words.
The first time Riley finds herself alone with Rebecca Friar is the summer of her freshman year of high school. She'd spent very little time at Lucas's house since becoming his girlfriend, though her father seemed to prefer it that way. Lucas had claimed that his parents were busy and rarely home, but Riley couldn't help thinking that there must have been more to the story.
The Minkus family were close friends with the Friars' and Riley had been invited to tag along to Farkle's summer residence. The first few days had been fun, mostly spent on the beach with Maya and Farkle, though she was eagerly anticipating the arrival of her boyfriend, along with his parent's for the upcoming Fourth of July weekend. She was missing him and the late night phone calls and constant texting didn't make up for the absence of his physical presence.
She'd waited eagerly on the front steps the day that Lucas was supposed to arrive and had thought she might burst from excitement when she saw their car pull up to the front of the house. Lucas appeared to be even more attractive then she remembered and she'd darted across the expansive front lawn and directly into his arms as soon as he'd emerged.
"Lucas, can you please grab the bags?" Rebecca had questioned, Riley's face mirrored in the lenses of Rebecca's sunglasses, as the woman emerged from the car.
"Of course, Mom," Lucas agreed, pulling out of Riley's arms and moving towards the back of the car.
"It's nice to see you again, Mrs. Friar," Riley had greeted her, as her eyes had scanned the front of the house before returning to Riley.
"High school certainly hasn't changed you," Rebecca had offered, a mocking smile curving across her face before she brushed passed Riley and into the house.
"She's upset about my father staying back in the city to work, he was supposed to come," Lucas had apologized, wheeling a Louis Vuitton suitcase behind him and slinging a duffel bag over his shoulder.
"Farkle and Maya are waiting inside," Riley changed the subject, leading him into the house.
The rest of the day hadn't improved Rebecca's mood. She'd retreated into one of the guest bedrooms for most of the afternoon and left with Farkle's mother to go shopping in the early evening. Farkle's mother had extended an invite for Maya and Riley to tag along, but there hadn't had to have been a discussion for Riley and Maya to know that they couldn't afford anything that Rebecca and Jennifer were buying.
The teens had spent the afternoon playing in the pool before setting up a bonfire on the beach for dinner. Riley had been headed inside to grab drinks for the group when she found herself alone with Rebecca Friar in the kitchen.
Rebecca was leaning against the kitchen counter, a glass of wine in one hand and her cell phone in the other. There was something contemplative and sad about the way she was looking at the floor, but Riley had no doubt that it would disappear the moment that Riley entered the kitchen.
Riley hesitated in the doorway before deciding that she wasn't going to let Lucas's mother deter her from entering the house. She did, however, ignore Rebecca, as she made her way to the fridge and grabbed the requested sodas from the fridge.
"It won't last; you know?" Rebecca spoke, her eyes not leaving the tile that she was staring intently at.
"I'm sorry?" Riley replied, looking up in shock.
"Right now, everything is wonderful. He loves you and you love him and your future is wide open with possibilities, but it doesn't last," she clarified, her eyes flickering to Riley, as she took a sip of her drink.
It happened to be one of the fears that consumed Riley's nights before the morning came, along with Lucas and Maya to walk her to school, and she let the fears melt under the sunshine and warmth that came from being surrounded by the people that she loved most in the world.
The kind of fear that should have been laid to rest, along with their love triangle. But there was still some small part of her that couldn't allow herself to hope for a future with Lucas. Maybe it was too many times of hearing Maya doubt or maybe it was just the insecurities that looked back at her from the mirror, but hearing his mother say it made her blood run cold.
"That's a cynical way to look at the world," Riley forced herself to say, closing the fridge door and turning back towards the exit.
"Maybe, but Lucas is a lot like his dad. They throw themselves into something with fervor, make these eloquent speeches that make you willing to follow them to the ends of the earth, and then decide somewhere along the way that there must be something better then what they already have. It's all smoke and mirrors and fantasy. It's all very pretty, but one day, you'll look up and the pretty world you've constructed around you will crumble to dust."
"I don't believe that," Riley insisted, forcing the doubts within herself to be quiet.
"Neither did I, in the beginning," Rebecca offered, setting her glass in the sinking and disappearing down the hallway.
"Your relationship is toxic, it's destructive. You're looking for a fairytale and he's chasing after something to fill the void, but at the end of the day, both of you will be disappointed," Rebecca replied, shaking her head.
"Well, if that's all you wanted to say," Riley grabbed her things, getting ready to leave.
"That's not why I asked you to meet me," Rebecca informed her and Riley paused, "I actually came to see Doctor Mathews."
"Excuse me?" Riley choked out, wondering whether she should laugh or cry.
"My doctor found an ovarian mass," Rebecca explained, "Based on the images that they took of it, it's pretty big."
"You didn't even want me to deliver Maya's baby, why would you come to me with your own health problems?" Riley asked, looking at her incredulously.
"Because if there's one thing that I know about you, it's that you love my son, and you know that my son loves me. Who's going to fight harder to save my life then someone who knows that the person who they love will never forgive them if they don't?"
"I don't know how someone like you raised a son like Lucas," Riley offered, standing up, donut forgotten on the table.
"When you've raised your own children, when you've buried one, when you've spent a lifetime with a man whose entire world becomes whatever his current obsession is, then maybe you'll understand. You do what you have to protect your family and survive, the rest is just collateral damage."
Riley sunk down into her desk chair, placing her head in her hands, as tears fell from her eyes onto the surface of her desk. She couldn't remember the drive from the bakery back to the office, but somehow she found herself sitting and staring at the stained floorboards.
"Doctor Mathews?" Jennifer's voice came from the doorway, as she hesitantly slipped through the doorway.
"Is everything okay?" Riley wiped furiously at her eyes, forcing a smile and looking up at the younger girl.
"You just seemed kind of distracted when you came in," Jennifer paused in front of the desk.
"It's just been a bad couple of days," Riley offered, leaning back in her chair.
"I can relate," Jennifer snorted, sinking down in the chair across from her, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"The first time that I was given the chance to perform a C-section, I froze. I was so terrified of messing up, of killing someone, that I couldn't move. That was the first time that I had ever felt that kind of terror and now I feel the exact same way. I'm terrified that whatever move I make next, is going to be a mistake, is going to mess everything up. So, I'm sitting here and I'm not moving," Riley explained.
"For how long?" Jennifer questioned.
"Until the hypothermia sets in."
I apologize for how long this chapter has taken to get up. My class schedule has proven to be a lot heavier then I planned on, but things should get better if I can just get through the next four weeks. Thanks to everyone who continues to support this story and I would love it if you would review!
To the person who implied that I plagiarized the last chapter: I did borrow some of the text from Josh's book from my other story, Heat Stroke, but it's modified and while you can plagiarize yourself, this isn't an academic paper, so I think I'm probably safe.