"You have to eat sometime, you know," said Circe, otherwise known as Poison Ivy, as she smiled at Joker over the rim of her glass.
"For the last time, I am not playing Russian Roulette with my own crew," snapped Joker. "I'm not gonna have them turn back into men, and then for things to be awkward because I ate one of 'em!"
"They will never turn back into men," retorted Ivy. "They are now their true form. And they deserve to be a meal on my table," she added, removing the cover from a dish to reveal a suckling pig.
"Gee, I really hope that isn't Rocco," muttered Joker, examining it. "Probably a little thin to be him, though."
"You should eat," insisted Ivy. "Starving yourself to death out of mere stubbornness is not a fitting end for the hero of Troy. Besides, any other man in your position would be thrilled. I have spared you when I have transformed your crew, and you are on a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I have it on good authority that that's Lois of Troy," retorted Joker. "Apparently the gods declared her that and everything."
"Well, what do gods know?" retorted Ivy.
"At least we agree on something," said Joker, nodding.
"I think we probably agree on many things," said Ivy. "Like me, you have a low opinion of humanity."
"Unlike you, I don't think plants are somehow superior," retorted Joker. "Nor do I have a specific dislike for men."
"Perhaps if men had hurt you as they hurt me, you would," replied Ivy.
"Don't give me a sob story – that ain't gonna help with your attempted seduction," retorted Joker. "I have no pity and no sympathy, and some would say no heart."
"And yet you're very determined to return to this wife of yours," said Ivy. "And you show great loyalty to her. That shows some heart at least."
"You must have a really high opinion of yourself, toots, to think that if I wasn't married, I would instantly jump in the sack with you," said Joker. "Despite what you may believe, most men aren't ready to just get it on with a random woman with terrifying plant powers, no matter how attractive."
"You do yourself a disservice to compare yourself to other men," replied Ivy. "You are anything but a normal man, and a particularly exceptional one. That's why you are so fascinating to me. I don't keep just anyone trapped here."
"I'm flattered," said Joker, sarcastically. "And if this is your attempt at seduction, I'm not impressed."
"Mmm, I think you will be," murmured Ivy, smiling at him while she applied some lipstick. "I can be very, very persuasive."
"Yeah, putting on lipstick ain't gonna do it," retorted Joker.
"This is a very special kind of lipstick," she murmured. "Do you know anything about plant attraction?"
"Can't say that I do, having never been attracted to a plant," retorted Joker.
"Some of them use pheromones in order to entice what they want," continued Ivy. "They release them into the air, and it infects the object of their attraction, luring them so they are irresistibly drawn toward the plant. Well, I've done something similar with my own pheromone signature," she said, smiling. "Except mine's a lipstick that I spread on, which instantly begins releasing chemicals which can ensnare a man's brain and heart, and any other part of him I want," she purred, approaching him. "You should be feeling the effects of it just about now."
"Look, it's gonna take a lot more than some creepy plant chemicals to…" began Joker, but he trailed off suddenly.
"It's working, isn't it?" purred Ivy. "You're feeling inexplicably drawn toward me. Resisting me has suddenly become a very difficult thing to do, hasn't it?"
Joker said nothing, but she was correct. He was suddenly fixated on Ivy, and he began to notice just how attractive a woman she was. His brain felt like it was in a heavy fog, dull and slow, whose only preoccupation was Ivy, and how he could have her.
"Good boy," murmured Ivy, bending down to kiss him. "Now just relax and surrender to me…"
With a last burst of effort, Joker shoved her away, and bolted from the room. Every inch of his body was begging him to return to Ivy, but he still retained some sense of himself, and that sense told him to run as far away as possible from the plant witch.
But he still couldn't escape the island, he realized, as he reached the shore again. And if she kept wearing that lipstick, sooner or later, he was bound to give in.
"Need some help getting off?" asked a voice suddenly. Joker turned to see Wonder Woman standing on the beach. "Getting off the island, not anything funny," she added, smiling at him.
"Yeah, great, just what I need, another one of you nymphomaniac dames!" snapped Joker.
"I beg your pardon?" asked Wonder Woman.
"Sorry, it's just the last thing I wanna see right now is another woman who wants to sleep with me," said Joker. "I can barely shake one, let alone two."
"I don't want to sleep with you – I'm trying to help you get home to your wife," retorted Wonder Woman. "Just like I was when I helped you win the Trojan War."
"Yeah, well, that was a picnic compared to the pickle I'm in now," muttered Joker. "There's a crazy plant lady on this island who has magic powers that can turn men into pigs, and sex-obsessed fiends. Which I suppose is kinda similar…"
"Well, I actually didn't come here to help you with Ivy," interrupted Wonder Woman. "Although if you need some help with her, I'll oblige. She gives women a bad name – men and women shouldn't be enemies trying to punish each other. We should be allies in building a greater, more perfect world together as equals…"
"Yeah, that'll be the day," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, if you didn't come here to help me with the Plant Freak, what are you doing here?"
"I was visiting the underworld recently, and I came across someone who claims to be an old friend of yours," replied Wonder Woman. "Harvey Dent."
"Harvey?" repeated Joker. "Harvey's…dead?"
"Apparently so," said Wonder Woman, nodding. "He is a restless spirit – apparently his death was very sudden and very violent, and he cannot be at peace until someone living travels to the underworld and makes the necessary sacrifices to the God of Death on his behalf so that he may rest in peace. Otherwise he will remain a restless spirit for all eternity, wandering the shores of the River Styx forever, unable to cross over to his eternal rest."
"Well, that's…kinda crap for him," said Joker, slowly. "But I don't know what you expect me to do about it."
"As a living man, you have the power to perform this sacrifice for him, if you sail to the underworld and confront the God of Death yourself," said Wonder Woman.
"Look, I like Harvey – he's a good guy," said Joker. "But I got problems of my own. Even if I could get off this island, which I can't right now, what makes you think I could sail to the underworld when Aquaman crashes my ship every time I set sail?"
"The entrance to the underworld is not far," said Wonder Woman. "I could escort you there, to ensure Aquaman does not bother you. And once you are in the underworld, he will not dare trouble you – he is afraid of the God of Death. And assuming you leave the underworld, you can probably sneak out without him noticing. It will be a good way to lose his attention."
"Wait, what do you mean 'assuming I leave the underworld'?" repeated Joker.
"Well, not many who travel there do," replied Wonder Woman. "The God of Death is not usually a benevolent and merciful god, and he has the power to destroy whomever he sees fit. You may not leave his realm alive, and if you are not alive, you will not leave his realm at all."
"Uh...huh," said Joker, slowly. "Well, tell Harvey that I'm really sorry, but I just can't risk helping him out right now…"
"Yes, you will," interrupted Wonder Woman. "Or you will remain trapped on this island forever. I will help you subdue Ivy and leave here, but only if you travel to the underworld and help Harvey in return."
"Oh, why do you care about him?" demanded Joker.
"I don't," retorted Wonder Woman. "But I do care about justice. And leaving so great and mighty a warrior to a horrible fate is not just."
"Yeah, plus he ain't bad looking," retorted Joker. "That's probably it. I know women."
"He's dead, so nothing can really happen between us…" began Wonder Woman.
"Fine, if it gets me off this island with the Plant Nympho, I'll do anything," agreed Joker. "Even sail to the underworld and confront the stupid God of Death. He's gotta be less scary than the Plant Lady in a frisky mood anyway."
"Good," said Wonder Woman, smiling. "And now I will help you with Ivy. Here," she said, handing him a lasso.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" asked Joker.
"Tie her up," replied Wonder Woman.
"Really? That's your plan?" asked Joker. "Because she can control these plants which can probably untie her pretty quick…"
"My lasso is special," interrupted Wonder Woman. "Anyone tied up with it must obey the wielder of the lasso. And tell the truth. That's why it's called the Lasso of Truth."
"Catchy," commented Joker. "Ok, let's hope this works," he sighed, heading back toward Ivy's home. "Hey, sweetheart!" he called. "I'm finally ready to give in to you! But I'm a guy who enjoys a little kinkiness, so how about you let me tie you up?"
"I think I'd prefer to tie you up," said Ivy, appearing in front of him with a grin. "I prefer to be the dominant partner."
"I never would have guessed that," said Joker. "But trust me, toots, it'll be better with you tied up. We'll take turns, and next time you can be the dominant partner."
Ivy shrugged. "Ok," she said, holding out her wrists. Joker tied the lasso over them, and then pulled it tight.
"All right, now you listen to me, toots," he hissed. "You are gonna turn my crew back into men, and your plants are gonna rebuild our boat so we can get off this island. And then you're gonna seriously re-evaluate your life and your sweeping hatred of an entire gender. I mean, what's with the man-hating anyway?"
"I was hurt deeply by a man I'm still very much in love with," replied Ivy, clearly against her will. "So I use hatred to mask my own deep insecurity and fear that I'll never be loved again. I'm secretly very lonely and afraid of dying alone, which is why I keep random men as prisoners."
"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Joker. "They say the truth will set you free, toots. But it won't, until you do the rest of what I told you to do. See, it's not nice to be ordered about, is it?" he asked with a grin.
"No," agreed Ivy. "But secretly I'm a little turned on."
Joker shook his head. "Nothing but freaks on these islands," he muttered. "Now get to changing the crew back."
"Boss, am I glad to see you!" exclaimed Rocco, when he had resumed his human form.
"Me too, Roc!" exclaimed Joker. "I'm real glad she didn't eat you – any idea who she did eat?"
"Probably no one important – like a nameless side character," said Rocco. "Wow, you got a new ship and everything!" he exclaimed, as they all boarded the craft the plants had built. "So where to?"
"The underworld," sighed Joker. "Unfortunately."
Rocco stared at him. "You wanna repeat that, boss?"
"We gotta go to the underworld, to help Harvey," retorted Joker. "It's not my first choice either, but agreeing to do it was the only way I could get off Plant Freak Island. If I tried double crossing Wonder Woman, she'd just kill me now and send me to the underworld anyway. At least I have a chance of getting out if I'm still alive."
"But…but boss…nobody ever leaves the underworld," said Rocco, slowly. "You know what the God of Death is like – he's crazy. He'll try and keep us there forever."
"If I was afraid of gods, I wouldn't be in this mess," retorted Joker. "And I ain't afraid of him. Don't worry, Roc – we'll get outta there and get home, I promise."
"But you know the stories about the underworld, boss," protested Rocco. "People spend eternity there doing the same things over and over until it drives them all insane."
"I know," sighed Joker. "But we don't have a choice. Set a course for Gotham."